BB wanted to wish you luck with your session - I hope it goes really well. Let us know how you are ok?

I can so much relate to your comments about seeming to need a ‘legitimate’ and recognized label to ‘justify’ how you feel (who you are?) Rather a lot I could say to that but at the moment feeling a bit stretched with talking too much about myself so if I may I’d like to come back to it later. (Lol by which time it won’t be relevant anymore - mind you that has never stopped me before!)

Hope you are doing ok ((( BB ))))

LL

Russ dream work seems to have been a big part of the ‘old fashioned’ psychoanalytic approach and maybe because of the bad press the ‘blank slate’ exclusively interpreting analysts have had since the humanistic movement began, dreams get sidelined as a therapeutic tool. But I agree with you, understanding, connections, and emotional meanings are just so much more immediately accessible through working with dreams - they are after all, created out of emotion and absolutely accurately reflect the state of a person’s mind/feelings/beliefs at any given time. I had a field day messing about with my dreams (on my own) - I even learned how to stop having nightmares, or rather, how to stop running in nightmares and face the fear - in the dream itself. Then I shut down on it all because I was making so many emotional connections and had no-one to talk to about it. Good on you and good for your T for using your dreams, apart from anything else it’s SO interesting!

I read you had a good birthday after all, I’m pleased for you - hope you manage the rest of the time waiting for T to come back without freaking too much. Here’s a cyber hug Russ, hope you don’t mind!

(((( Russ ))))

LL

Good luck today, BB...thinking of you and praying for connectedness with your T.

Thinking of you, BB. Good luck!!!!! ((((((BB))))))

((BB)) I am sorry for your pain. It does sound like depression but then again I'm no expert. I can relate to alot of what you described though. I hope you get through this quickly.(()) - one for the road!

BB

Thinking of you so much today and hoping that it went as well as it possibly could have for you. Please hold tight BB, and hang in there,there are lots of people here really rooting for you, feathery one

((((((BB)))))

little starfish

Wow, you guys...what can I say, thank you for the support and care! It means so much to see all your cheery little faces smiling out at me cheering me on...

I think the verdict is in, I think it's almost official...that my T is trustworthy, at last. I'm feeling so much more at peace with him lately, and therpay is no longer this terrifying thing that makes me stay awake all night in dread of the coming session! He's just simply, being nice to me now, and we are having good session and helpful ones. This will be (I think) the 4th one in a row where I wasn't spaced out in a fog of weird pain for days after. And what is really really good, is that while still I'm so attached to my T, it has lost it's anxious obsessive quality, and I just feel at peace and accepting of it and not so miserable at all, anymore. So I'm grateful for whatever has shifted, and I begin to really trust, that it HAS shifted and he isn't going to start judging me again. And ***drum roll*** I actually asked him today quite simply, what has changed, that it used to feel that he was mean to me and trying to get me to terminate, and now not, and why? Well, he answered me very kindly and honestly, and said that he had misjudged me before, hadn't understood some things or seen them, and hadn'
t understood how wounded I really am, (?) and that he was sorry about that. He even told me that he had asked for some input about me from fellow T's (some kind of supervisor thing) and that it helped him see things in a different light. I told him right then that I think he really does care about me, and he said very clearly "yes, I do." So whatever his reasons, I just just know it feels better, safer and more secure and I am beginning to open up more easily about things, and also to remember a lot of my sessions, which is SUCH a relief. I really was worried about not remembering sessions. I think I was just so anxious I would space everything out.

I even told him that I was feeling really down this week...again. He helped me see a lot of things that might be contributing to it. I understand on the head level, I suppose, but not the heart level, that I am not entirely to blame. He said some really nice things to me that made me feel much better about myself. And he helped me talk, didn't just leave me hanging there when I get unsure like he used to. He's so nice, I feel very relieved I have someone to turn to about my troubles and who can help me with what it is that is wrong in my life, to try to change it, and he isn't hurrying me at all. He repeats so I will eventually get it, I hope!
About depression, it even came up without me asking directly, that he doesn't like to call it depression, rather he thinks of it as woundedness, because he said, I should not think I am sick or wrong, rather hurting. I still struggle to see how it is I am wounded, but I think I will eventually understand. I am trying to see how it is, that my past would still be hurting so much as to make me unable to function well in the present. It comes and goes, but I'm not as worried about that either. He siad, we will talk about these things many times, and I don't have to understand it all today, there is lots of time. What a relief! He siad I need to talk about it, (the past) and that is anopther thing that was cleared up, because I thought I should not talk about it with him, that he didn't think it was neccessary. But he doesn't think I am bad, and that is what was hurting most for so long, it really felt like he thought I was bad and completely unmotivated and should just leave therapy because it couldn't help me. I felt so rejected, worse than anything. It got to be, there was so much I could not say to him that I needed his help with, because I was afraid how he would take it. (Things like saying, I feel like I don't care, he would misunderstand or dismiss it felt like)Now he helps me see, this isn't true, and it feels so good to have someone believe in me, that I could just cry for the relief. I can't understand what or why he has changed so much towards me, and I keep being afraid that I do not deserve it or that he has made a mistake and in fact what I deserve is the old mean way...but I am trying not to listen to those thoughts, and hope they will not overcome me.

The other really lovely thing is that I just feel very accepted by him, which he alwyas said I needed to feel-still I could not feel it, and now I do. And it is becoming safer and safer feeling to say what comes into my head instead of stuffing it and just crying instead. And I can't say why, but at the end of the session he always used to ask me, if I wanted to continue, even when we had set it up ahead, and it would confuse me no end...but today he just looked very calmly and said, "do you have any last comments, because our session is over since we go for only one session today." I can't tell why but what an enormous relief that is to me. I used to get in a panic at the end, I now realize, trying to figure out if I should keep going longer or not. phew. I think he understands. It is better, so much better, and I don't think I want to quit all the time anymore!

I am sorry if this post is a little hard to understand or rambly, I am just so sleepy that I can't think very straight, but I wanted to post something and say thank you for the support. I maybe will write a bit more if I need to later?

Hugs all,

BB

Oh Blackbird! That is all just so wonderful. I am so happy for you!!!!

So happy for you BB!!! Especially that you asked him why he changed (very brave indeed - good for you BB!), and that you received such a kind and honest and humble response. He totally validated your perceptions, admitted he misjudged and sought help in understanding you...what a beautiful example of a therapeutic relationship not having to be perfect in order to be helpful, but that the repair process is what makes all the difference. This was just lovely to read, BB. I can see you poised for flight now...thank you so much for sharing this, you made my day!

Hugs,
SG

Hi Blackbird.

I’m just going to put this out there- Do with it what you wish.

For the past few months I’ve been taking a supplement called 5-HTP. It’s helped tremendously with my depression. I won’t go on and on about it but basically it’s an herbal over the counter supplement that converts into serotonin in your brain. I don’t know where you live, so I couldn’t tell you if it would be available for you or not- but if you interested I do recommend it. (5-HTP is a form of another supplement called tryptophan if you’ve heard of that).

Also, I loved reading about your success! I love it when I can just ask my therapist something flat out that I’ve wanted to say like you did with asking him what’s changed. And it’s so reassuring to get a good response!

MacLove

Hey there BB,

Good work feathery one

I think from reading your post it seems that you have both worked hard at repairing the slight disconnect you had your therapy; you in being (impressively) bold in asking his opinions about things you never would have before, and really working at sticking with it; and him for obviously doing a lot of self reflection and a bit of advice seeking in supervision, or from colleagues. And it seems tto have worked.

I am really glad for you BB, that real hard work cannot really begin without that connection and your assurity from him that he's completely on your side and accepted by him - that was always so important for you. I wonder if the shame factor will diminish a bit, now that you feel that acceptance? I don't know, I hope so, but I do feel accepted totally by my T, yet shame for me is still pretty dominant in my life.

Oh and I am so glad that he's changed the endings for you too, it must have been hard to always end on that uncertainty.

quote:

I think he understands. It is better, so much better, and I don't think I want to quit all the time anymore!

Brilliant

(very happy)starfish

So glad things went well for you BB!

BB, that is so awesome about how your T responded. I'm so happy for you that things felt so attuned. Yay!!

(((( BB ))))

Yay for you - what a great post to read. I am so happy you had such a good session and are feeling so much more attuned to your T.

Like SG said, it must mean a huge amount to you to have had him validate your own fears and perceptions about how he was towards you earlier in your therapy. It WASN’T YOU!!!! He really was relating to you from a totally different perspective. I remember one of your posts you were really spinning out about getting the impression from him that he was dismissing your issues, reflecting you as feeling better than you were and almost suggesting that you didn’t need therapy (making you feel as if you were making everything up, attention seeking all that stuff) - bad T smack his hand!!! Good T for having the humility to seek advice and admit to you his earlier thoughts and openly change his approach to you. Ten gold stars!!!

Good on you for hanging in there and pushing for what you need - it’s so good that he’s now got it and is able to be how you need him to be. You’re on your way now BB :hug:

LL

ooo, LL, you are a cheeky one for smacking my T's hand and then awarding him gold stars for good behavior! eeek, I have to admit I was squirming but laughing a bit too when I read that!

I really am feeling better, thank you so much everyone for such support and help...I wouldn't still be in therapy if it weren't for this place, or I would still be miserable, I am pretty sure. You all have shown me that I have to let my T see me if ithings are going to get better, and normalized for me opening up to T even when things were feeling impossible, and he has even said thanks to me for letting him see more than I used to, said that helped him to see what I need more. So thank you everyone on Shrink Forum, all of you, for so much valuable contribution towards helping eachother to get most out of counseling.

MacLove, I just wanted to say welcome to the forum, and thanks for your post! I actually had another friend recommend that same supplement to me, said it has helped her tremendously. My T wants me to try a special diet he found out about that ends up naturally manufacturing the chemicals needed in the brain. Also he recommended another supplement, I just have to remember to order it. Thank you for the suggestion, I will maybe run that by my T and see what he thinks! Supplements are so expensive, that I am afriad to try more than one thing at a time. Awesome suggestion, great to have another option, one that has now been recommended twice- thanks!

BB