...but most everyone seems to 'get' intuitively....

hope this helps those of us who DON'T seem to 'get' the rules, and have unresolved hurt...and maybe PROTECT the new people here who could benefit from this insight before they get hurt.

...my public service offering to this community...

Hi Jill,
It's pretty obvious that you are feeling hurt about something and feel like you broken some unseen rules and are frustrated by not knowing them. If you're comfortable talking about it, can you be more specific about the situation you're upset about. It's difficult to know how to respond without knowing what you're feeling like you did wrong. I'm sorry you're feeling this way and even more sorry if I contributed to making you feel this way. I would want the forum to be a safe place for people to be. I respect your willingness to talk about this openly.

AG

Jill,
We haven't met, so want to first say hello and welcome. I know you have been here a little while, but you started posting during a 'break.' for me.

I am sorry you are feeling hurt about posting/not posting and feeling uncertain where the boundaries are.

I certainly don't have the answers, but I can tell you that you're not alone. I, too can get really worked up with fear of offending people here by saying the wrong thing, being too selfish or needy in my posts, not having anything helpful to say especially when other people are so helpful to me. I can get pretty down on myself about it. I don't know to what degree, but I am almost certain others here share that fear??


The one thing I know for sure is that people here really truly care and have a real desire to help each other. I can't count the number of times I have been brought to tears by reading the heartfelt posts here.

I also know that there are many reasons someone may or may not respond to a certain post - mood, triggering content, ability/inability to relate, and so many more. It is easy to take things personally and it is likely not intended to be personal.

I hope you can find a way to feel more comfortable and find the support you are needing.

Just wanted you to know you aren't alone.

quote:

I certainly don't have the answers, but I can tell you that you're not alone. I, too can get really worked up with fear of offending people here by saying the wrong thing, being too selfish or needy in my posts, not having anything helpful to say especially when other people are so helpful to me. I can get pretty down on myself about it. I don't know to what degree, but I am almost certain others here share that fear??

Seablue,
Just wanted you to know that I could have written the above. I find it much easier to respond to other people sometimes also, and not post about my own stuff which I think can give a false impression of having it too together, when actually I can be a huge mass of twitching insecurity and neediness. So you're definitely not alone in struggling with feeling that way.

quote:

I also know that there are many reasons someone may or may not respond to a certain post - mood, triggering content, ability/inability to relate, and so many more. It is easy to take things personally and it is likely not intended to be personal.

I also wanted to say how much I agreed with this. I know my posting can get really erratic depending on what's going on in my life. Sometimes I don't have the energy to respond, sometimes I can get so triggered I don't feel like I can respond and sometimes I feel like what I would have said has already been said. The other big one for me, that I know other people have mentioned, is that my family can get upset with too much computer time on my part. I do know one thing though, my lack of posting is about me, not about the other person.

AG

Jill ~

Thanks for asking - this is a very good question. I'm a little but passionate about this. Frankly, I hate unpoken rules. So please please take my response with a grain, no, a lot of salt. It can be potentially dangerous or hurtful for any of us to expect others to just "automatically know" awhat the boundaries or rules are, so I'm really glad you asked this if it was on your mind.

From my very passionate and biased perspective, I think if rules/boundaries are 'unoffical' and not spoken outloud (so to speak) then they are not rules/boundaries at all.

If there is something that someone here on the forum doesn't feel ok about, then we gotta say that - gently but clearly, so it can be worked out.

Yeah, I too get nervous about offending people - but with the freedom to post comes the freedom to unintentionally stay stupid stuff. (of which I have probably said a lot.) We are all people working on our stuff... and sometimes we may unintentionally step on each other's toes.

As far as if there are unoffical and/or unspoken forum wide rules - I'm not sure there are any. If there are, then we need to speak them. For my sake just as much as anyone else!

I don't think there are really rules about posting. I have read where people will sometimes hold back from reading when they are in a tough place so that they don't get triggered. That sucks. Yet, I hope this is a place where we can keep the freedom to write the things we need to say and process - while also having respect for each other. I think there are boundaries that we all have, and we all have a responsibility to speak them for ourselves - but as far as forum wide boundaries... I dunno...

I just hope there are no forum wide unoffical or unspoken rules and I really hope that everyone here takes the freedom (and responsibility?) to speak the personal boundaries they need for themselves.

oh, I'm just rambling in circles. What do you think Jill? are there things you feel are rules or boundaries that are not clear?

Good question and issue to bring out into the open. thanks jill.

oh I started writing my response and then others posted before I did, and my response is a bit out of sync. they have great words - much better than mine.

I have a question about rules/guidelines of posting too:

I’ll just say it- it seems like no one talks about sex on here. Is that just not a part of people’s therapies? Or do people think it’s too personal? Would it not be appropriate if I said something about talking about sex in therapy? It seems like I say the word “sex” about a hundred times a session…. Sex/relationships are just a big part of my therapy… So it seems like if I have a question regarding something that my T and I talked about in therapy the word sex would be thrown around in there. Is that okay, or should I just find a way around the actually word “sex” and phrase it differently?

Thanks, Maclove

ooo, Jill, good on you for starting this thread...I think it sounds like we can all relate to the idea of unwritten rules, and how confusing they can be...

I'm, looking forward to seeing more of this thread, and contributing some thoughts to it!

BB

quote:

Originally posted by janedoe:
oh I started writing my response and then others posted before I did, and my response is a bit out of sync. they have great words - much better than mine.

JD, Don't discount yourself! I love what you said about it being everyone's right and responsibility to speak the boundaries appropriate for themselves.

I know that many of us are in therapy to learn to do that very thing more effectively, so of course not all of us are great at it, but what a great place to practice.

I think it is important that we allow (and even expect) each other to make mistakes because we are all practicing, and it creates more opportunity for repairing?? Not sure that is relevant, but on my mind

MacLove ~ just did a search on the word "sex" on the forum and actually, people have posted about it and actually used the word. If it's about you and figuring out your stuff in therapy - I think it's ok, i.e. there's forum wide ban on using the word. Some may not join in the conversation, some might - but that's kinda how it is for all kinds of subjects here. Just my two cents.

Thanks, Janedoe.

I haven’t had time to read through all the posts since I’m new, so that’s why I figured I’d just ask. I did see some “sex talk” on the spouses and therapy discussion, but since I have never had a spouse I felt kind of out of the loop on that one (I’m only 19). But anyway, thanks!

i am here, and listening, too afraid to really speak out and don't care to point fingers, but think i sense others feel this way too.

one, i can talk about sex, macLove...i noticed that topic being 'not discussable', too.

two, i grew up in a marshmallow world...no rules, no boundaries, can go from 1 to 100 without it registering as change, blank faces, no impact...so, i am used to pushing to find a wall, so i am a bit unplugged on that, and so the points you said,janedoe,about boundaries are really an issue i need to address as i guess i push too hard to be accepted...or heard or noticed and don't respond well to feeling ignored, and take it personally when perhaps it is not personal. thanks for this point and your post.

BB, i know you have good things to add, so thanks for your comfort in being here!!

AG, thanks for getting the ball rolling... specifics?? nothing i feel comfy speaking right now, just a general sense of being on the list of 'bothersome posters'...hungry, needy, ignored. definitely old stuff trying to apply to present day stuff, when alot is just old tapes that don't fit the new, so that is a big learning issue i need to address..."assuming everyone now hates me as they all know how broken down, needy, sick, and stupid and selfish i am". perhaps, like you said, the 'well' part is speaking at times and people think i/you have it all together and are here to 'teach' (you, not me) and then you adopt that helper role and have no place to go for your pain. hugs to you, you've probably always been the glue that keeps people together. i used to be for my family of origin until all the boxes i had packed up, airtight in my 'attic' (head) finally broke the ceiling through to the basement and i have been in recovery mode ever since. i WAS the only one in my family NOT on the 'insanity' mode, til i caved as well. so, being 'the strong one' is a tough role. maybe i am overprojecting onto you, forgive me if i am. you just seem to be so strong in being the first to reply and in what you write that i sensed that. thank you.

seablue, love the serenity in your name and picture, first of all. and yes, down on myself is a tag i grab alot, too. thanks for pointing it out...and letting me know i am not alone on this, i too see how heartfelt most are on here, and it is beautiful, and something i don't want to have to run away from. love/addiction/hate...my circle.

even now, i get so mixed up in my head as to who said what (i can't follow the plot in a thirty minute 'sit-com') so, some of my not replying to everyone directly, like y'all are so adept at doing, keeps me from forming real relationships, so i will work on that, too. i just get dizzy in more than one on one...

thanks for the help, and i hope it helps others to have a place to put these questions.

dragonfly, you responded while i was posting so i just now got your thoughtful reply, and our issue was so helpful to me, so i can only thank you for your bravery in speaking up. that is old news, for me, and i think our pm's have validated our genuine sincerity towards one another. and the thank you's and acknowledgements are so important, i marvel at how y'all are all so good about that and i am learning from your cues in all of your posts. a lesson for real life, too, so, df, i am feeling better already. i was really circling the drain (still am most days) so i appreciate your post and feel my addiction for you all just growing and growing. gotta keep some balance though. thanks, df

quote:

Originally posted by dragonfly:

maclove i would love to talk about sex and giving birth!!!! i've got tones to say but felt that no one else would want to go there!!!!
so if you are up for it, so am i !!!!!!

dragonfly

You're so funny! Good to know!

quote:

Originally posted by MacLove:
I’ll just say it- it seems like no one talks about sex on here. Is that just not a part of people’s therapies? Or do people think it’s too personal? Would it not be appropriate if I said something about talking about sex in therapy?

I think this is probably something that everyone here has a personal opinion and comfort-level about. Personally, I am comfortable talking about sex in a therapy context, here. It might come down to, in an effort not to offend anyone, the need to post a content warning when posting about it.