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This message has been edited. Last edited by: monte,

hi monte,
In a nutshell......YES! and i cant even bring myself to even think about having to cut my sessions down to once a fortnight, let alone never seeing her again. ...it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it right now.
Because of AG going through her ending with her T, i did pluck up the courage a couple of months ago to ask her what would be the procedure with me.......she told me......i went home and cried .....no i'll rephrase that.....i sobbed!!!!! uncontrollably for days!!!!!!!! ........it was the first time that i realised that our relationship isn't for keeps, that she will no longer be apart of my life and i am going to have to walk away from her.I was completely in denial i swear to you......it hurts so bad monte that even sitting here now, i feel like i want to run....lets just get this over and done with now.....because its like some ticking time bomb.I've lit the fuse by asking and acknowledging that i have to leave.
My mother rejected me at birth and i am going through all of those feelings about that and her rejecting me the other day in the car park......and i sat and thought...........what the hell am i doing here??? i love my T dearly and its going to feel like i have been rejected all over again........... i do wonder if i will have to have therapy to get over my T
My T has been with me through the conception of my children........ i dont mean literally! .....but the fear of pregnancy etc...... the fear of giving birth..... the actual horror of giving birth for me, cos that was just plain horrendous! mine has seen me grow up too seen me start to live, seen me make new friends and grow into the person i wanted to be .

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The bond of time and its events and twists and turns is so strong. For me. For him it's probably not nearly even minutely as powerful

i think it is monte as powerful for them.... if they love there job, how can it not be? when i bought up the subject of leaving , i told her that i would miss her terribly and that i would miss her even if i cut down my sessions to every fortnight.......she told me that she would miss me terribly too and i believe that she would....when she cries with me, when she holds me, i believe that to be genuine.
I have been waiting for 15 years for her to tell me that she loves me.....i never thought that she would ever go as far as saying it.. but the other day she actually said it to me.....do you know what i did and said?!!! zilch!!!!!!! i was so shocked and overwhelmed i said absolutely nothing!....but 'i love you' and the hug i received at the time from her too, will probably stay with me till the day i die....even when i leave, that i love you will get me through, becsuse i know that in loving me in a healthy way, she has had to let me go for my own good.......oh gosh.....big lump in throat and tears... sorry, i am not sure i can write about that any more..
I can totally get why you are fearing that new step up in your relationship...but i am living in hope that just as i would have flown the nest with my mother and left home... that i can do this with faith........that i know that she will always love me and be there for me for how ever long she can possibly be there for me......i hope that what i feel at the end is not abandonment again......but security in my ability to cope on my own, just with her nagging bloody voice still inside my tiny brain saying "Oh come on dragonfly,lets do this"

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What damage is done when such a healing relationship must be ripped from your life? Surely everything will be undone. Or am I seeing it like that because I am yet to heal and so all I see is more abandonment looming?

i would say if our relationship was to end now, it would be utter devastation for me and my CP's. i dont think i could ever get over it........but i've come a long way in my healing, so i hope that in a few more years, i will decide that i am leaving.... that our relationship wont be about her abandoning me..... but me abandoning her for the life i so deserve........ I think that is my ultimate goal and that every word I speak every memory i remember every hug I receive,every 'I love you's' i am told, is another step along that path.
its hard to let yourself be that vulnerable when you have had trauma and attachment injuries.....to let yourself feel that love and caring.........but once you have done it, you do realise that whilst it is so very scary, it also feels so good and so right.

hugs monte (((((((())))))))
draggers x

Draggers and Monte your relationship with your T's sounds beautiful x Reading your posts made me feel quite sad coz i don't feel like I will ever have that kind of relationhip with my T. I'm feeling really disconected with my T since her holidays and i told her last night if therapy was to end with her, I wouldn't be bothered about it and now she has another holiday at the end of the month for about 6 weeks

Sometimes I feel im just wasting my time with this therapy lark coz i don't think i can allow myself to get close to her.

I'm tired of thinking and trying to work out what im feeling

Hev

Ok this post triggered somrthing in me, just phoned T and waiting for her to return my call

((((((((H63)))))))))
i am so sorry if my post has made you feel really sad ...i swear that my relationship hasn't always been like that and i have been with her for a long time.....and gone through some really rough patches, including disconnections on a regular basis.
I am so sorry that you will have to have another 6 weeks off because your T has another holiday planned. She only just got back from the last one!!! ....no wonder you are feeling dejected and disconnected.......i'd definitely feel the same....you cant stay connected to a T if you keep having disruptions like that.Is there another T you can see whilst she is way, even if its just for a session?
To be honest Hev, if you are getting something out of your therapy and making headway, then i am not sure you need to get that close to her.It took me years to trust her enough to let her get close to me and allow myself to feel her caring...and if i am honest for me to allow myself to care and love her.....cos i would push her away.

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Ok this post triggered somrthing in me, just phoned T and waiting for her to return my call

I am so so sorry! do you want me to delete my post? because i will do quite happily if its upset you, because the likelyhood is that its upset other people too.

I hope you have got to speak to your T and that you are ok.

hugs DF x

Hey Draggers i'm ok, you do not have to delete your post honest. I think i felt sad because I really want to feel close to my T but I just can't seem to stop pushing her away.

T called me back and im feeling better

Hev x

((((Hev)))) I'm sorry that you are so upset, but glad your T called back and you are feeling better. I would be devastated if my T took breaks that were that long and so close together.

I've only been with my T for a little over a year, but the thought of leaving her scares me to my core. My old T I saw for about 4 years and the end with her came pretty naturally. However, I also knew it wasn't really the total end because we had a relationship outside of T after I left and I knew I could always call her. I had moved on to other big things in my life (I was pregnant at the time) so it just seemed to fit to stop therapy.

This time is different. Myself and others (especially the littles) are so attached to our T. Some inside aren't yet and that is ok, but many of us are and the thought of being separated from her is something that comes up often and always with a flood of tears. T and I have talked about it often, but it is usually in the context of unplanned separation (something happening to her etc.) rather than ending therapy. That is so far down the road at this point that we have not talked about it. I do fear that I'll get about 75% of the way there and then she will retire or something. That scares me a ton! I just hope that if and when the day comes to leave her that I will be ready and it won't be a repeat of feeling abandoned. I think that if it were a sudden separation and one that I did not want that it would darn near kill me. That is something that my husband does not understand at all. He thinks it is wrong that I feel so attached to someone outside of our family and does not get it other than to say that I'm trying to replace my mom. No, not really, but I am trying to heal from what I didn't get from her.

STRMS

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does not get it other than to say that I'm trying to replace my mom. No, not really, but I am trying to heal from what I didn't get from her.

Me too....hugs to you STRMS

Me three ((((STRMS))))

Make it four please...

(((STRMS, DF, Hev)))

starfish

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You - and all the others who agreed with you - are a step ahead of me. I know I should be aiming for that also, but I know I'm still trying to secure a dad for the trapped little thing inside me. Recipe for heartbreak...but maybe it has to break

Monte,

Well, if I thought I actually could have her replace my mom then I would, but I know that isn't possible or practical. Heck, I have no idea what she is like with her adult daughters. She could totally suck as a mom (totally doubt that...can't even fathom it). Actually, at this point I'd settle for being one of her cats. They get to hang out and be with her every day all curled up in her lap. Ugh, now I just sound pathetic. Really, the adult me doesn't want that, it's the littles that think that sounds like a good idea.

Hugs back to all who feel the same as well.

DF: Wow, that is so nice that your T said that she loves you. I'm sure it was nice for CP's and for you to hear that. I can't imagine my T saying that, but you never know. Right now the littles both want to be with her (feeling safe) and also can't figure out why she is so nice to them. It is so foreign to them.

STRMS........i couldn't ever imagine her saying it either, that is why it was such a shock and i said zilch in reply!!!!!!
My CP's are the same as yours....they so want to feel close to her , but mine are very mistrustful...being told that they were special and loved meant only one thing in there eyes.... but slowly they are coming around....it just takes such a long time .
i cant remember where you asked me about my rock so in answer to your question......its a white flat stone...nothing special to look at, but means the world to me!!!!!
we had a lump in our throat when you said about the warmth from your stone......ohhhhh tears spring from now where.
hugs DF

monte....it was extremely precious when she told me she loved me.I no longer felt worthless,disgusting and unlovable.she gave me back me.....

quote:

What damage is done when such a healing relationship must be ripped from your life? Surely everything will be undone. Or am I seeing it like that because I am yet to heal and so all I see is more abandonment looming?

Hi Monte
Since you opened it up, I thought I'd throw a few thoughts in the ring (as tough as it is to follow STRM and DF! )

My first T retired after we had worked together for over 20 years (there were some breaks, but we spent a significant part of that time in weekly therapy and even one 15 week group therapy of which she was co-facilitator.) It was a very deep, trusting relationship from which I learned a tremendous amount. I really related to what you said about your T watching you and your kids grow up. I started with my T for pre-marital counseling and moved into individual counseling so she went with me through the early years of my marriage, having children, raising children, job changes, my dad's death, and so on. All the stuff life can throw at you landed in her lap. She helped me recover and process all my memories of the abuse, gave me a safe place where I could start to learn who I am, and helped me find my voice. She is, without a doubt, one of the most important people in my life.

When she announced her retirement, it was NOT welcome news. I think I've posted about it somewhere else on the forum but the beginning of that year had seen my MIL hospitalized for three weeks during which she almost died, an extremely close friend who was a second mother to my girls died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 53, my mother was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphonma (she's fine now, chemo worked!) and my FIL died of advanced Alzheimer's. To say it was bad timing was kind of like saying Niagra Falls is a little damp.

BUT I want to tell you that as devastating as it felt when she first told me, it was a good ending and in the long run turned out to be a good thing for me. She ended it right by giving me almost five months notice and I continued to see her weekly right up to the end (actually it was really important because I had left therapy with her once by disappearing for a few years, and it was important to me that I see it through.) I remember thinking at the time that I wasn't sure how I would get through it. One thing that helped me was that my husband and I were seeing my current T for marital counseling at the time and he understood just how significant this was.

We were able to reflect back on our relationship, how far we had come, and we laughed and cried and laughed again. She was able to hear my anger and sadness and fear about her going away (as much as I was willing to express) and I will never forget our last appt. We both had gifts for each other, and I was taking a large pillow from her office that I always used to hug during sessions and asked if I could take it with me. At the end of the session, we both got up and went to hug each other at the same time. It was long, intense hug but the best thing was that we said almost exactly at the same time "I love you." I really, really already knew that she felt that way, and she knew I felt that way but we had never said it. I was so grateful we said it at the same time because it didn't feel like anyone "had" to say it in response, you know? It was a very precious gift that I still carry with me.

I don't want to act like it was easy, I did mourn for awhile (we've had no contact since, I never thought to ask honestly, because I just assumed it wasn't allowed). But like all grief, it healed and now I have her back. She is a wonderful memory and I carry her with me at all times. She is an integral part of me, woven into the fabric of my being, I couldn't lose her if I wanted to. So I didn't lose the work I did with her, and in some ways, I didn't lose her. I can still hear her sometimes or know what she would say.

The truth is, that loss is at the heart of every relationship. Death is an unavoidable part of every life and every relationship we have eventually will end. Ending a significant relationship with a therapist is a unique opportunity to do so in a way which allows you to look at the goodbye and express your feelings and be heard in a way you rarely get.

So why do we move closer to a therapist knowing, KNOWING, that one day it will end? This isn't the question at the heart of therapy, it's the question at the heart of life. Why do human beings move closer to anyone knowing that there is an inevitable loss. Because what we gain in moving closer is more than worth the price we will pay in grief. And that when we learn to carry each other in our hearts, the connection transcends even death and allows us to transcend our pain.

Of course it looks terrifying to you right now, you're not ready to go. You're making such great strides in opening up and moving closer to your T. This fear is your amgydala's way of trying to keep you from going further into dangerous territory. It's a worry for another day, you have enough for the here and now.

I'm going through the process (very very slowly mind you) with my present T and I am only moving away as fast as is comfortable, giving myself time to look at everything getting kicked up by moving away. There was a time where I believed that I would have died if I had tried to do this, but here I am. When it's time, you'll know and you'll have the strength.

Although I must admit that since I'm the one doing the leaving this time, I am deriving a great deal of comfort from the fact that my T has made it abundantly clear that his door is always open and I can call anytime even if I'm not seeing him regularly. And your T is not going to just boot you out one day nor is there any reason you ever have to leave. So as difficult as it is to actually do, you can try not to worry about it right now. (And yes, I know that's the epitome of easier said than done. )

AG

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We were able to reflect back on our relationship, how far we had come, and we laughed and cried and laughed again. She was able to hear my anger and sadness and fear about her going away (as much as I was willing to express) and I will never forget our last appt. We both had gifts for each other, and I was taking a large pillow from her office that I always used to hug during sessions and asked if I could take it with me. At the end of the session, we both got up and went to hug each other at the same time. It was long, intense hug but the best thing was that we said almost exactly at the same time "I love you." I really, really already knew that she felt that way, and she knew I felt that way but we had never said it. I was so grateful we said it at the same time because it didn't feel like anyone "had" to say it in response, you know? It was a very precious gift that I still carry with me.

Thank you for sharing your story AG. This brought tears to my eyes. I could just feel the intensity on both sides with the way you wrote this. What a beautiful and heartfelt ending.

I will choose to remain in total denial at this point that I will ever have to say goodbye to my T. Nope, not gonna happen. Harumph (she says with arms crossed!).

Hi all, I have been reading this post and i have been through an emotional rollercoaster reading the things you have said, i thought it was very touching, and i wish i had the same kind of ending as some of you. For me such a beautiful thing was ruined by words and i believe a rejection of my feelings. I feel pleased for all of you that you have such positive endings.

Eve