Hi DF,
Dont be sorry about the thread it was lovely to hear what you all were saying, i just wished i had that back again. Sometimes i hate memories. I would love to tell you a little bit about my story, it might be a longish post though.

I have actually had to say goodbye to my ex T twice, once when i was younger and in the recent past (5yrs ago) there is a 20 year gap in between the two. Anyway i contacted my ex T, i had found out where she lived and had her phone number for quite a long time but did not contact her at all previously. i might add that what i am saying now i did not know 5 years ago i have figured things out in that time. But i contacted her because i was okay one day but went to sleep and woke up not myself at all, i did not know what had happened to me. Now my self diagnosis says it was PTSD. I could not focus or concentrate on anything and my life up to that point was spinning around in my head and i could not stop it, every bad thing, every memory, every feeling, every possible emotion and to top that off i was physically sick too because of the surgeries. I tried to talk to my family and friends but they did not want to know. I went on like that for two years, and then i decided to contact Joan (My Ex T). It had been twenty years since she had heard from me and was shocked but in a letter suggested that we could meet in the park for a chat,and there would be no charge of course. Because of my heightened feelings and anxiety, seeing her was like nothing else, i had come home, i had my guardian angel back, my comfort blanket, and i knew that she could not make things right, but i felt so safe. I had missed the sound of her voice, her smell, her smile, the way she says things. We met up a total of twelve times in the course of a year and the first few times were brilliant, then things started to change. I had been writing to her in between letting her know how i felt and feel about her and about things that had happened in my life since i last saw her, that was easier for me than actually speaking the words to her face. Then her whole demeanor changed, she was making excuses to not meet up, e.g Windy,Rainy,Cold and when we did meet up she was hurtful with her words. She told me that i did not love her because i do not know her, that i should stop being needy and clingy, she did not think that i needed Counselling because i knew what that was about (which i didn't) She told me that she had not read any of my letters and to not write to her anymore,she would tell me about what she had been doing on a particular day or at the weekend and then when i would ask her how it went of if she had a good time she would tell me that it was none of my concern. On the last visit with her she told me that she was not interested in my life, i lost about a minute or so of time because that floored me, she was talking but i didn't hear her. She told me that she can not be a part of my life, that we cannot and never will be friends. Then she played the age card, she is an old lady and is retired now, if i had of contacted her when she was working she could have helped me, and that i must remember that she is doing this with me voluntarily. As she walked away from me she looked back and told me that she did care, i watched her walk away then i crumbled inside, i could not think straight, my counselling had not even started and i had no where to go. A couple of weeks went by and i saw a lovely photo frame with some beautiful words in, so i sent it to her with a Thank You card for being there for me and that i really appreciated it. A few days later she called me, she thanked me for the gift, then said that i cannot bribe her with gifts to get her into my life. She lives about 1/2 a mile away from me so i see her often, but i asked her if she could possibly alter her journey because it upsets me to see her drive by, she told me no, if i dont like it i should move. She then wished me a good life and hoped i could be happy.
i have not contacted her at all since then, i still see her drive by now and then, she does not acknowledge me at all.
I think she had no idea how i felt about her, even though she should have done. She became defensive and although she said she did not she has rejected me and not validated my feelings at all. They say you cannot have Love without Hate, well i hate her so much.
Phew what a lot of my chest. Hope i have not put you to sleep. Thanx for reading.

Eve

Lizzygirl - I just saw your post tucked up in there and I'm so sorry to hear your T has just dropped in the possibility of his leaving like this!! That sounds really frightening, especially given how much he means to you in your life and relationship situation. It must be extra worrying not to have any clarity over this. Can you take it to him and ask him about what his plans are and what this means for your therapy? I know my T who left gave me three months notice, even though we didn't have nay treatment plan or anything. I DO think that really talking through the situation with him is essential and I'm surprised he dropped that on you without any proper follow up. It seems like beating yourself up feelings (the "pain in the butt" stuff) are really strong for you right now and that's not surprising - I had a lot of self-hatred going on as soon as my T said she was leaving - but it is NOT your fault, and you do NOT deserve this. In fact you deserve really good proper care to help you get through the impending separation and the uncertainty about it. I really hope you can ask him about this and let him know about how you're feeling about it. And I hope that you keep posting about it here - I think this message got missed accidentally by a few people as sometimes happens by chance, but your feelings are important.

Eve, thank you for telling us your story. I'm so sorry you went through this with Joan, it sounds terribly painful. I felt angry and shocked reading about the way she treated you. It seems to me that if she couldn't provide any volunteer care for you, she should have simply made that very clear as soon as she knew that, and made it clear that this was about her and not about you, and helped you to get in touch with someone who actually could provide the kind of care you were in need of. It's terrible that she hurt you so much instead, and took away that sense of a protecting guardian angel that you so badly needed. To be honest, it sounds like she was at this stage a bit unstable herself and I wonder if age-related problems affected her moods and behaviours at all.

Have you thought about seeing another therapist? If I were in this situation i think I would really want the opportunity to heal some of that terrible hurt.

Take care,
Jones

Lizzygirl: My apologies as well, I missed your post tucked up there when I went through the first time. The possibility of your T leaving and just dropping that on you would be quite upsetting. I hope that you can get some clarification around that soon.

Eve: I'm so sorry that happened with your ex-T. Your story was heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing it here. I have so many more feelings about your story, but I'm just speechless.

AG,

This is a tough thread...so so hard to think of leaving our T's (as you well know!)...so thank you for generously sharing with us the experience of leaving your first T, as I'm sure talking about this must trigger your grief again. I can't even imagine leaving someone who had been that influential in my life, AG, or who has been with me that long. But your experience also gives the hope that it can be done. And when done at the right time and with love (extremely important!!), with the very painful and hugely REAL loss, also comes a priceless gift of each person having transformed the other at their core (and yes I'm including your T in that...I'm sure you transformed her too, dear AG). You described it so beautifully...I especially liked these paragraphs so I'm just going to quote you (it was all good but I added bold to the parts that really "got me" )

quote:

I don't want to act like it was easy, I did mourn for awhile (we've had no contact since, I never thought to ask honestly, because I just assumed it wasn't allowed). But like all grief, it healed and now I have her back. She is a wonderful memory and I carry her with me at all times. She is an integral part of me, woven into the fabric of my being, I couldn't lose her if I wanted to. So I didn't lose the work I did with her, and in some ways, I didn't lose her. I can still hear her sometimes or know what she would say.

The truth is, that loss is at the heart of every relationship. Death is an unavoidable part of every life and every relationship we have eventually will end. Ending a significant relationship with a therapist is a unique opportunity to do so in a way which allows you to look at the goodbye and express your feelings and be heard in a way you rarely get.

So why do we move closer to a therapist knowing, KNOWING, that one day it will end? This isn't the question at the heart of therapy, it's the question at the heart of life. Why do human beings move closer to anyone knowing that there is an inevitable loss. Because what we gain in moving closer is more than worth the price we will pay in grief. And that when we learn to carry each other in our hearts, the connection transcends even death and allows us to transcend our pain.

Thank you, {{{{{{AG}}}}}}

SG

{{{{{Lizzygirl}}}}}

What a strange (and rather careless IMO) remark to just drop into the conversation with you (taking a year trip this fall), without any explanation. I am so sorry, this has got to be torture, not knowing what this means for your therapy. In fact it sounds like there is a lot more you need to know in the way of details. If you are already afraid of being "too much" then I know it would be scary to ask, but...I hope you can find a way to ask him your questions at your next session, so at least you can know what to expect. Hang in there LG, and let us know how it's going for you.

Hugs,
SG

{{{{{{Eve}}}}}}

Having PTSD symptoms just suddenly appear like that must have been terrifying for you. And you went on like this for two years, and with no support from family and friends? No wonder you reached out to someone who had helped you before (I'm assuming...was she helpful the first time?).

It hurt SO MUCH to read what this woman did to you. To put your trust in her again, reveal your feelings, and have her turn away from you, and even turn ON you...well I wish I could say I can't imagine what that would feel like, but unfortunately I do. It is pretty horrible stuff and it doesn't really seem to go away, does it? I am totally not surprised that you are still hurting over this.

Your T's behavior was just appalling, IMO. The negligence, for one thing. If helping you with your PTSD symptoms was out of her realm, then the least she could have done was get you a decent referral. How could she fail to try to help you, when you'd been suffering for two years? And then sought her out as someone who had helped you in the past?

And some of it sounds blatantly cruel IMO. The double messages with opening a personal topic, then slamming the door on you when you asked a follow-up question to the topic THEY OPENED...my ex-T liked to do that too. Bait and switch. What is up with that??? And the crack about the bribe was just plain inexcusable.

I'm sorry that your pain and your feelings have been so badly mishandled, Eve. I hope you can believe the truth that she has the problem, not you. Do you still suffer from the PTSD symptoms? Were you able to find someone who can help? Is your family & friends giving you more support? I hope you can keep posting here for the support we can give...and I hope things get better for you real soon.

Hugs,
SG

((((SG))))) Thank you so much for all your understanding and support. It means more than I can say that you can take hope from my experience as that's why I shared it.

((((Lizzygirl and Eve)))), I just want to ride on SG's coattails. She said exactly what I wanted to say (better than I could have said it.)

AG

Hi all,
Thanx for your comments, it is a big validation for me that you all say the same kind of things as i really feel, because sometimes i wonder if it is just me and just in my head. Just to clarify things, the last time i saw Joan was 5 years ago, i have been in therapy for 4 years now, when i contacted Joan i had already arranged to get some Counselling.
The first few times we met up she was responsive and friendly, she would put her arm on my shoulder or take my hand for a few seconds, and she even gave me a proper hug. I believe it was when she read my letters that she realised the enormity of things and maybe started to back away. I think she had the belief that i was coming back to her to try and get her back in my life but i was not, i must admit though that being around her again stirred all my feelings for her up again. It is nice to see her drive by sometimes and yet sad at others, but at least i know she is okay.
SG: I did not realise i had PTSD until after Joan had already gone, and she probably would not have known that either. I can't believe i still defend her!!!! My friends and family practically backed away from me not knowing what was going on, it took me a few years to work out i had PTSD with the help of my T of course. I find it hard to understand that she has the problem and not me being that she was a counsellor/pscychotherapist for 50 Years, but i am getting that slowly. My family do not know everything but i have mentioned about PTSD and tried to explain that to them.
I do feel as though my head is a lot clearer now and i am able to cope a lot better now. I am still in therapy and i am still working on issus as we all are, i am also glad that i found this wesite because it is helping me to heal and that i am not the only one.
Thanx to you all for your support
Eve xx

Eve, I can't imagine how hard for you this whole scenario must have been. I know what a knife in the heart it is every time my T makes some little accidental comment- I can't imagine how bad it must have felt to be treated that way. My heart goes out to you. It is good you have your T, and now it makes sense why you would have a hard time with being connected. I hope the two of you can get that all sorted.

Lizzygirl, so sorry to hear about the possibibility of your T going away. How awful. I hope you can talk it all over with him and get it sorted. No, i don't think he would think you are a pain or want to be rid of you. I always think that too, but I know it's not really true for either of us. But let us know what happens, ok?

Monte- oh, ugh, I think you and I are in the same boat, here. I too have been feeling more connected to my T, and am seriously tempted to question yet again the validity of the relationship...only for me right now it is because I pay him. That's my biggie. I can't think of leaving, it is just unthinkable.

I wanted to say sorry I didn't respond to your other thread, which was so amazing, but it keeps triggering me bad for some reason, so I had to stay away from it, I'm really sorry about that! I hope to read it in depth when I shake this mood I'm in off a little more...

BB

Draggers...I just wanted to say, ooooh, please don't torture yourslef with thinking about leaving your T right now, either...like it was said, it is another worry for another day...a looong way off, so why be scared about it now...when you are ready, well, you won't be scared, horrified, or miserable in the way it might seem like you would now, when you are not ready for such a step, true?

((((Draggers))))