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This message has been edited. Last edited by: mia,

Draggers and Monte your relationship with your T's sounds beautiful x Reading your posts made me feel quite sad coz i don't feel like I will ever have that kind of relationhip with my T. I'm feeling really disconected with my T since her holidays and i told her last night if therapy was to end with her, I wouldn't be bothered about it and now she has another holiday at the end of the month for about 6 weeks

Sometimes I feel im just wasting my time with this therapy lark coz i don't think i can allow myself to get close to her.

I'm tired of thinking and trying to work out what im feeling

Hev

Ok this post triggered somrthing in me, just phoned T and waiting for her to return my call

Hey Draggers i'm ok, you do not have to delete your post honest. I think i felt sad because I really want to feel close to my T but I just can't seem to stop pushing her away.

T called me back and im feeling better

Hev x

((((Hev)))) I'm sorry that you are so upset, but glad your T called back and you are feeling better. I would be devastated if my T took breaks that were that long and so close together.

I've only been with my T for a little over a year, but the thought of leaving her scares me to my core. My old T I saw for about 4 years and the end with her came pretty naturally. However, I also knew it wasn't really the total end because we had a relationship outside of T after I left and I knew I could always call her. I had moved on to other big things in my life (I was pregnant at the time) so it just seemed to fit to stop therapy.

This time is different. Myself and others (especially the littles) are so attached to our T. Some inside aren't yet and that is ok, but many of us are and the thought of being separated from her is something that comes up often and always with a flood of tears. T and I have talked about it often, but it is usually in the context of unplanned separation (something happening to her etc.) rather than ending therapy. That is so far down the road at this point that we have not talked about it. I do fear that I'll get about 75% of the way there and then she will retire or something. That scares me a ton! I just hope that if and when the day comes to leave her that I will be ready and it won't be a repeat of feeling abandoned. I think that if it were a sudden separation and one that I did not want that it would darn near kill me. That is something that my husband does not understand at all. He thinks it is wrong that I feel so attached to someone outside of our family and does not get it other than to say that I'm trying to replace my mom. No, not really, but I am trying to heal from what I didn't get from her.

Me three ((((STRMS))))

Make it four please...

(((STRMS, DF, Hev)))

starfish

quote:

You - and all the others who agreed with you - are a step ahead of me. I know I should be aiming for that also, but I know I'm still trying to secure a dad for the trapped little thing inside me. Recipe for heartbreak...but maybe it has to break

Monte,

Well, if I thought I actually could have her replace my mom then I would, but I know that isn't possible or practical. Heck, I have no idea what she is like with her adult daughters. She could totally suck as a mom (totally doubt that...can't even fathom it). Actually, at this point I'd settle for being one of her cats. They get to hang out and be with her every day all curled up in her lap. Ugh, now I just sound pathetic. Really, the adult me doesn't want that, it's the littles that think that sounds like a good idea.

Hugs back to all who feel the same as well.

DF: Wow, that is so nice that your T said that she loves you. I'm sure it was nice for CP's and for you to hear that. I can't imagine my T saying that, but you never know. Right now the littles both want to be with her (feeling safe) and also can't figure out why she is so nice to them. It is so foreign to them.

quote:

What damage is done when such a healing relationship must be ripped from your life? Surely everything will be undone. Or am I seeing it like that because I am yet to heal and so all I see is more abandonment looming?

Hi Monte
Since you opened it up, I thought I'd throw a few thoughts in the ring (as tough as it is to follow STRM and DF! )

My first T retired after we had worked together for over 20 years (there were some breaks, but we spent a significant part of that time in weekly therapy and even one 15 week group therapy of which she was co-facilitator.) It was a very deep, trusting relationship from which I learned a tremendous amount. I really related to what you said about your T watching you and your kids grow up. I started with my T for pre-marital counseling and moved into individual counseling so she went with me through the early years of my marriage, having children, raising children, job changes, my dad's death, and so on. All the stuff life can throw at you landed in her lap. She helped me recover and process all my memories of the abuse, gave me a safe place where I could start to learn who I am, and helped me find my voice. She is, without a doubt, one of the most important people in my life.

When she announced her retirement, it was NOT welcome news. I think I've posted about it somewhere else on the forum but the beginning of that year had seen my MIL hospitalized for three weeks during which she almost died, an extremely close friend who was a second mother to my girls died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 53, my mother was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphonma (she's fine now, chemo worked!) and my FIL died of advanced Alzheimer's. To say it was bad timing was kind of like saying Niagra Falls is a little damp.

BUT I want to tell you that as devastating as it felt when she first told me, it was a good ending and in the long run turned out to be a good thing for me. She ended it right by giving me almost five months notice and I continued to see her weekly right up to the end (actually it was really important because I had left therapy with her once by disappearing for a few years, and it was important to me that I see it through.) I remember thinking at the time that I wasn't sure how I would get through it. One thing that helped me was that my husband and I were seeing my current T for marital counseling at the time and he understood just how significant this was.

We were able to reflect back on our relationship, how far we had come, and we laughed and cried and laughed again. She was able to hear my anger and sadness and fear about her going away (as much as I was willing to express) and I will never forget our last appt. We both had gifts for each other, and I was taking a large pillow from her office that I always used to hug during sessions and asked if I could take it with me. At the end of the session, we both got up and went to hug each other at the same time. It was long, intense hug but the best thing was that we said almost exactly at the same time "I love you." I really, really already knew that she felt that way, and she knew I felt that way but we had never said it. I was so grateful we said it at the same time because it didn't feel like anyone "had" to say it in response, you know? It was a very precious gift that I still carry with me.

I don't want to act like it was easy, I did mourn for awhile (we've had no contact since, I never thought to ask honestly, because I just assumed it wasn't allowed). But like all grief, it healed and now I have her back. She is a wonderful memory and I carry her with me at all times. She is an integral part of me, woven into the fabric of my being, I couldn't lose her if I wanted to. So I didn't lose the work I did with her, and in some ways, I didn't lose her. I can still hear her sometimes or know what she would say.

The truth is, that loss is at the heart of every relationship. Death is an unavoidable part of every life and every relationship we have eventually will end. Ending a significant relationship with a therapist is a unique opportunity to do so in a way which allows you to look at the goodbye and express your feelings and be heard in a way you rarely get.

So why do we move closer to a therapist knowing, KNOWING, that one day it will end? This isn't the question at the heart of therapy, it's the question at the heart of life. Why do human beings move closer to anyone knowing that there is an inevitable loss. Because what we gain in moving closer is more than worth the price we will pay in grief. And that when we learn to carry each other in our hearts, the connection transcends even death and allows us to transcend our pain.

Of course it looks terrifying to you right now, you're not ready to go. You're making such great strides in opening up and moving closer to your T. This fear is your amgydala's way of trying to keep you from going further into dangerous territory. It's a worry for another day, you have enough for the here and now.

I'm going through the process (very very slowly mind you) with my present T and I am only moving away as fast as is comfortable, giving myself time to look at everything getting kicked up by moving away. There was a time where I believed that I would have died if I had tried to do this, but here I am. When it's time, you'll know and you'll have the strength.

Although I must admit that since I'm the one doing the leaving this time, I am deriving a great deal of comfort from the fact that my T has made it abundantly clear that his door is always open and I can call anytime even if I'm not seeing him regularly. And your T is not going to just boot you out one day nor is there any reason you ever have to leave. So as difficult as it is to actually do, you can try not to worry about it right now. (And yes, I know that's the epitome of easier said than done. )

AG

quote:

We were able to reflect back on our relationship, how far we had come, and we laughed and cried and laughed again. She was able to hear my anger and sadness and fear about her going away (as much as I was willing to express) and I will never forget our last appt. We both had gifts for each other, and I was taking a large pillow from her office that I always used to hug during sessions and asked if I could take it with me. At the end of the session, we both got up and went to hug each other at the same time. It was long, intense hug but the best thing was that we said almost exactly at the same time "I love you." I really, really already knew that she felt that way, and she knew I felt that way but we had never said it. I was so grateful we said it at the same time because it didn't feel like anyone "had" to say it in response, you know? It was a very precious gift that I still carry with me.

Thank you for sharing your story AG. This brought tears to my eyes. I could just feel the intensity on both sides with the way you wrote this. What a beautiful and heartfelt ending.

I will choose to remain in total denial at this point that I will ever have to say goodbye to my T. Nope, not gonna happen. Harumph (she says with arms crossed!).

Hi all, I have been reading this post and i have been through an emotional rollercoaster reading the things you have said, i thought it was very touching, and i wish i had the same kind of ending as some of you. For me such a beautiful thing was ruined by words and i believe a rejection of my feelings. I feel pleased for all of you that you have such positive endings.

Eve

Ending a relationship with my T??? He mentioned traveling around the world for a year this fall, which I might interpret as retirement but I haven't had the nerve to ask as he hasn't mentioned it since. How many T/patient relationships are open ended? Does anyone's therapist provide a treatment plan with some goals to be obtained within a time frame? Mine doesn't, he gives me session notes from time to time which indicate how I am functioning. But, should there be talk of an ending? Some mutual understanding of these expectations? I have no clue how long I plan to be in therapy.
I continue to feel like he would like to get rid of me as I feel like I am not progressing much,
yet whenever I apologise for being needy or bugging him, or being a pain in the butt,
he just laughs it off and says I'm not. I know I am paying him, but honestly, T must have patients they wish had never set foot in their door. They can only have so much room in their hearts to deal with all their problems. I'm not thinking about this intellectually obviously. This is their profession, not their hobby.

Monte you must have edited your post because I had this reply all ready and went to post it and thought HUH? have I been having imaginary conversations in my head or what!

Anyway won't post what I was going to, will just leave the hug instead

(((( Monte ))))

LL

Monte thanks for reposting that - I don't think it's whiney or pathetic at all, I'm reading a lot of pain and fear and frustration in it. It's almost like you've been given a beautiful gift and suddenly had the giver say, oh no sorry kid that's just on loan I want it back sometime. Which rather makes the gift itself a bit meaningless.

The actual reply I wrote went something like this:

I was wondering what it was that's making you think that your T is going to ‘terminate’ you before you are ready to leave? My impression of ending therapy is that it finishes only when the client feels it’s time to go, no matter how long that takes. Maybe right now you can’t even begin to imagine that you would ever want to leave, but there’s no law says you have to! I've been quite amazed at the length of time some people have been in therapy (you and Draggers 15 years, AG 20) and it seems to me the T in that case really has become an integral part of a person's real life, I don't see at all why it's not possible that the T stay an important and present figure in your life for as long as you want him in it.

Has your T said something about finishing, or made references to life after therapy or something like that? Just wondering, as something must be stirring you up like this - is it that you’ve now had such a wonderful connection with him and starting to get what you’ve been needing from him and that’s bringing up all sorts of fears?

Sorry for the questions, just trying to guess what might be going on for you.

(((( Monte ))))

LL

quote:

Originally posted by monte:
I think these feelings have suddenly reared up with the sudden growth in my sense of connection and attachment to him. He is coaxing my 'little thing' out of its hole and this is the result...

Knew it would only lead to grief. Grrr

Monte

If you hadn't pointed this out, I was going to. I think this has everything to do with the recent developments in your relationship with him and the new closeness and inner work taking place. It is clear to me that it is a defense. You have allowed your inner most self to be seen and that feels so vulnerable. You've opened it all up and what I hear you saying is "wait a minute....I've opened this all up and what if it is all going to come back on me in the end". In other words, if you take this huge risk and really and truly open up all of these wounds and then he somehow abandons you then you are going to feel ten times worse than if you never risked it in the first place. My guess is that in the past being vulnerable meant being hurt and possibly abandoned (at least emotionally) and your new vulnerability with your T is bringing those defenses back up. I know you said it leads only to grief, but I believe that much of the healing lies in confronting the grief.

I am experiencing a bit of the same thing right now myself having recently gone much deeper with my T. It is a slippery slope and quite the paradox. I want the caring and the healing, but I'm scared to death of it at the same time. Sigh.

((((Monte))))

That is a tough memory. I'm so sorry that he did that to you. I had a similar experience with a female high teacher. She was there for me all through HS and was really great. I could call her on the phone, talk to her during or after school, I journaled for her (started w/ a class project, but she had me continue) and she would take me out to lunch to make sure I ate (eating disorder). Anyway, I talked to her a few times after I left for college and then one day I was back home and ran into her at the mall and she had NO idea who I was. I even told her my name and explained to her all we had done together and she was totally blank. It really hurt that she could just forget me like that. Anyway, my point is that I can relate.

Things like that make it so hard to open up and trust now. I know that your T will help you get there. He sounds like a keeper!