I saw my therapist Wednesday morning. I’m really starting to feel comfortable with him and open up. One of the things I’ve liked most about him is that he doesn’t over-react to anything I say. He doesn’t really react much at all, but has great insight and asks such good questions that make me really think. I love that.

Wednesday though… he had previously mentioned a chapter he wrote in a book that he wanted me to read. So I read it as it may apply to me. I took notes, shared thoughts and showed up Wednesday with 2 pages typed about how what I read does and doesn’t apply to me. When he was reading it, there were a few spots where his facial expression was “surprised” or “shocked”, which caught me off guard. Then when we were talking about one of the things I said, he said “I just experienced counter-transference, what you said just made me really sad, that’s a very sad thing”. When he got sad, I got sad. I don’t know if I was sad because he was sad, or if I was sad because he reacted to me. I have issues with people feeling bad for me. Anyways, if what we were talking about made him sad, I’m worried he can’t handle the rest. What made him sad was like a 2 on the scale of sad things, and I definitely have some 10+ stuff.

Here’s the thing though… now I feel like I need to protect him. I always feel like I take on the role of mother with everyone, and now I feel like I need to mother my therapist and make sure he’s ok.

I don't want to talk to him about this because I don't want him to censor himself with me. I just wish that his genuine self didn't get sad for me.

Thoughts?

I think that is another thing to discuss with your T, about how you feel about him getting sad for you.

The truth of it is, all of our T's get sad for us sometimes (at least I hope they do, I know mine has). Otherwise they wouldn't be human or compassionate, right? The thing is, they went into the line of work they are in because they enjoy feeling compassion and don't mind feeling sadness or other feelings for their clients in the service of helping them. Also they have been trained to manage these feelings for themselves. So I know this probably doesn't make you feel any better. I think it's totally reasonable to not want someone else to have to feel sad for you. But it's still OK to try letting it happen and then work through with your T how you feel about it.

In talking about boundary issues with my T, she said something that I think might be applicable here. I am constantly pushing to know more about her and her life and she said one of the main things she wants to avoid is when I start trying to take care of her because of something going on in her life. Therapy is supposed to be about you and not the T. They are human and can have reactions but its important that the focus remains on you. This seems especially true if you tend to nurture others even at a time when you are in need of nurturing yourself. I encourage you to tell your T about your reservations with respect to his feelings or reactions to your disclosures. Its important because you deserve to be nurtured too.

Hi Tightrope! Welcome to the forum!

The last T I had was also not reactive, but she was very responsive and asked a lot of good questions, too. I'm so glad you have a T like that. They are awesome.

So I can see why his reaction to your letter, his facial and verbal expressions, were upsetting to you. The way he described it is interesting...it almost sounds like he was trying to be clinical about it...going from making him sad, to it's a really sad thing...like he accidentally let the boundary slip a little, and then tried to put it back up, maybe?

No matter what the reason, it would probably be good to bring this up with him. It sounds like he's been a good T for you so far, so hopefully the two of you can work through this. Please let us know how it goes.

SG

Thank you.

You all brought up very good points and reading your replies has been very helpful to me. I'm really glad I registered and posted. I know it doesn't really seem like a big deal, but it was too big for me to share with people who knew me (did I mention I don't like people to care about me?), and I needed to get some feedback... this was the perfect medium for that!

I think I'll stick around

quote:

I think I'll stick around

Yay!!

(((Tightrope))) Lovely that you are sticking around! I've never come across such a lovely forum of people here. Looking forward to you being here more.

I have queried my T as to whether she was experienced enough to help me. I am extremely guarded with trust and love etc. So much so that I internalize closeness and neutralize it so that I do not manage to feel as much as I want and need to. Those darn boundaries.

I think what helps here is that you have a compassionate T. This is brilliant news. I can totally understand your concern because, after all, we are human. SG and hoosiers advice was great. Talk to T. I'm sure it's going to be fine and little by little you can show more of yourself when you are ready. That's whats so great about T's. They'll give you enough room to explore and they'll give you the patience that you have needed.

Good luck

Thanks everyone

I wrote him a letter, I'm going to give it to him tomorrow - tell me what you think?

Dear T,

Every time I write anything down I keep telling myself that if I’m not honest with you, you can’t help me – it’s pushing me slightly past my comfort zone but writing is easier for me to expand on information because I can think about it and think about sharing it before I do. I trust you, and you officially know more about me than any one other person does now. You make me think and very few people have been able to do that. I really hesitated to keep this next part here, and even though I wanted to delete it, I am not deleting it…

When you got sad last week, I got sad. I don’t want you to feel sad for me. I don’t want anyone to feel sad for me. When empathy is directed towards me it’s painful.

Now I feel like I need to take care of you so that I don’t break you. If that made you sad, I’m worried you can’t handle the rest of my stuff. What made you sad was like a 2 on the scale of sad. I have stuff that is 10+.

I need to know you’re not going to censor yourself, and I need to know that I’m not scaring you or if I am scaring you that you’re ok and not overwhelmed – that you are taking care of yourself. I need to know you feel capable of dealing with me and are not going to kick me out of therapy. The thing is, I like your humanity; I am really learning a lot from you and I don’t want that to change. I don’t want you to change what you’re doing.

Sharing that with you makes me feel vulnerable, like you’re going to want me to stop coming here, and I’m starting to feel safe here.

TR

Well TR, I can only imagine, but I think if I were a T, getting a note like that would feel like Christmas to me

Good luck with your ongoing efforts! Sounds like you are doing great work.

I think that's an awesome letter, it says it all and it's to the point and direct. If I were a T I would love to get a letter like that, because it makes what you are dealing with clear! go for it! I hope it went well..

Welcome here, by the way, sorry so late, my computer has been not working off and on.

BB