I'm sorry you aren't able to see your couples T any more. I know how difficult it is terminating with a therapist, especially before you are ready to do so. I hope your new T is able to help you through this difficult transition.

I also hope that your couples T will be able to put things in terms that your wife will understand. It sounds as though even though she doesn't necessarily understand the concept of transference, she is accepting of it.

Stuck - I just want to say that you are so brave. I have been trying to explain my "dad" transference to H (and how it interferes with our marriage when I am not finding understanding/acceptance at home, but AM in therapy) and he doesn't really get it. We're OK, but I get that feeling of disconnect and how hard it is to have someone you love very much and you're working hard to connect with be hurt and angered by your honest communication.

I'm sorry not being with T is hurting you so much, but so glad you seem to have your new T to walk through it with. I get what you mean about transference feeling like it will never end, but I really hope that's not true! Because, my goal is to be able to see T and still care about that connection, but not in a way that feels like I will die once we finish our work together. H is pretty adamant about a very firm end, for now at least, so I'm scared if these feelings never go away or diminish, I will be suffering so much and most likely be even closer and more dependent by then. I have to imagine once it internally connects with what it is about, it gets easier...right? Please!!! Hopefully, your mourning process will also be something that can connect to what your transference is about.

Hi Yak,

I have known what my transference is about for some time. I got the support and validation that I needed from my wife through my T. I really hate to say that does not make anything any easier.

I do believe that what my T has done, while it pains me so much, is in my best interest as far as not seeing me anymore for individual sessions. Because of my feelings, I can not see her for couples sessions either. I don't think she fully understands this or maybe she is trying to go easy on me by leaving me a way in.

I'm sorry to say that. Hang in there.

Stuck - What I mean by "connect" is not knowledge, really. I know exactly what my transference feelings are about. Often, I can point out exactly what specific things T says or does to trigger them. I can give him a list of incidents that were similar in my past. But, if you asked me if I felt anything about those things that happened in the past, nope! I don't feel hurt/upset/angry that my dad was in and out of my life, in an out-of-sight-out-of-mind sort of way. The most I can remember about being told that my step-mom was "done raising kids" and I wasn't welcome to live with my dad is confusion and surrendering to that reality. The feelings I remember about my mom's abuse and neglect are feelings of pride for being "better" and sacrificing for the benefit of my family. So, I'm hoping that if my feelings of abandonment, fear, etc. can feel like they are ABOUT those past events, I will be less afraid of losing my T. Right now, I intellectually know they're not about him, but they FEEL about him anyway. Also, some of the stuff is so far back that I can't remember it. Mom left me alone in cribs/playpens for hours, sometimes crying the whole time, according to other family members. My parents split when I was one for a couple of years (and then they were off and on), so my dad disappeared on me quite a bit before my earliest memories. So, whatever injuries are related to that infant/toddler era, I'm not sure I can do much about...but I am hopeful! I guess if it doesn't get better after a period of time, I'll just have to give it up and endure the "abandonment" again.

Aw, SBR- I'm sorry your are hurting so much inside. I wish there was a way that you could take that pain to your wife and let her comfort some of it, I wonder if she would be able to support you in that way...just to give you a hug or be with you in a bit- that would be so nice. I used to be able to let my H comfort me in the transference pain, but lately that has gotten too difficult so I know how hard it is to feel you have to bear it alone. I'm very glad that you have the other T to help you, as I can see that you decision is made.
((((hugs)))) I hope we can support you in this really difficult time. Here is one place at least where we can all understand the pain of losing a beloved T.

BB

Greetings.

Is transference something you can manage? I welcomed it when I discovered what was happening because I feel like I trust her enough to explore these things no matter how awkward it may be at times, but at the same time I didn't bargain for all of this. I could be walking my dog in a park full of vampires at midnight, and all I think about is sitting in that chair talking to her. I'm giving myself 2 weeks to get past this or I will quit seeing her. I do not want to let it get to a point where I'm calling her or any of that nonsense. To put it simply, this sucks and it's getting worse every day.

And can someone recommend a cool signature for a psych board? Thanks.

Hello Analyze This and welcome to the forum. Sorry that I have no experience of positive transference (my speciality is full on negative stuff!) but there are loads of others on here who know what you are talking about and will be able to comment.

Just wanted to say hi.

LL

p.s. can't help with the signature either, as you can see I haven't even managed an avatar let alone a sig.

well, what is the difference between positive and negative? i'm not exactly having a good time here

Thanks for the reply

I'm trying to understand if this is more transference or just attachment to your therapist. My experience of transference is that I feel my T as a parental figure. I want want things from him that I would want from a good parent. I am scared he will abandon me and disappear from my life, like my father did. When he acts/talks certain ways, I get triggered into seeing him in ways that are not congruent with our actual relationship and my experiences of his kindness and caring. So, for me, the positive transference experiences are things like wanting him to take care of me, wanting to just be with him all the time, being anxious about being separated from him, wanting him to hug me, etc. It isn't positive in terms that it always feels good. It's positive in terms that I am reacting to him as if he is a "good parental figure" from my childhood. T is good and safe = positive. T feels like my dad and I feel like his kiddo = transference of the therapeutic relationship into one that feels like parent-child. Negative transference experiences for me are things like being sure he is going to abandon me, abuse me, is thinking nasty things about me, hates me, etc. T is mean and unsafe to rely on = negative. T feels neglectful, abusive and abandoning like many of my actual experiences with my mom and dad = transference.

In both positive and negative transference, my experiences of my T are either incongruent with or out of proportion to the reality of our interactions in a way that directly relates to my past experiences. Is this what you experience with your T? Or is it just that you feel safe with her and really want to talk to her? I have a feeling you mean the former, but I wanted to make sure. It's not a pleasant experience, but if your T is open and accepting of working through it and exploring it with you, I've found it can really move things along in a way that just talking about my past never has. So, I hope you can consider not giving up.

Hi Analyze This and welcome,

My experience was that it only got more difficult until I took action. In my case, I went to another T to tell him how I felt about my other T. I thought I could manage it. I thought it would fade away. For me, I developed transference for my marriage therapist which made things complicated because I had to hide the feelings and thoughts from my wife. I eventually told my marriage therapist how I felt. At first, I thought it went well. But after the smoke cleared, all my fears of abondonment by my marriage T came true. She would no longer see me on an individual basis.

Now because this is a couples therapist, my experience is different from what most people have to deal with in an individual therapist. But it still hurt just as bad. I've been dealing with this for 6 months and I hope I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

AT ~ hi, and welcome to the forum!

"Is transference something you can manage?" Yes, and actually, with some T’s, it can be a very useful tool for change. With some Ts – not so much. And sometimes counter-transference can get in the way too. If your T is an individual T, who does any kind of psychodynamic work, hopefully your T will be well versed in how to handle transference. It’s really rather common part of the therapy process.

Does your T meet needs of yours that haven’t been met elsewhere? This is a common place where transference happens. Whenever I have a close session with my T where she meets needs of mine, listens, helps me get through pain – especially in ways that haven’t been done before, I tend to think about her more and I notice a tendency for me to start to idealize her a bit. I remind myself that I am feeling this way not because of her, but because of the work we are doing. Then I try to think of other ways to work on the same issues outside of therapy, and on my own, and sometimes this helps me to not idealize her. My T is also really good at counter-acting any idealizing of her when I bring it up with her that my head is starting to go that way. A big part of managing the transference for me has been grieving the fact that my T does meet needs I needed met elsewhere when I was younger. I’m not sure how or why that helps, but it does.

Have you talked with your T about it? I think it would be really important to talk with her about it, especially if feeling this way is interfering with your life or is something that would lead you to quit therapy.

None of this may apply to your specific situation – take it all with a grain of salt. (or a pound or two).

It is great to meet you!



((((((Stuck)))) I'm so sorry about all the pain you are in and that your T didn't handle the transfernce well and wasn't able to help you through it.

Hey folks,

Just thought I'd check in. My experience is that if I don't unload here or with my new T, the build up makes things worse.

I was doing pretty good and then the past week has been rough. I really miss my old T. I try to remind myself that I miss what she provided me and not her. How can I miss someone I don't know. But I struggle with this reasoning sometimes.

I really miss her. At times I feel hurt. But I know that she did what she did in my best interest. It just sucks.

((Stuck))

I'm sorry. I can't imagine how hard it must feel to lose that. Even intellectually knowing that your feelings are about missing something somewhere else and that your old T was trying to do what she thought was best...I can't imagine that makes the actual feelings any easier. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself by talking with new T and to us here, rather than letting it build up inside.

Ninn - Hi and thanks for sharing. I can relate to a lot of what you said.

I also come from being raised by a mom who gave zero affection and affirmation, in addition to occasionally being quite abusive and threatening. My father is alive, but mostly disappeared from my life between 10 and 12 years old. I am wanting and needing hugs too, but my T is a guy and we're either not there yet or it's just something he won't do. I'm glad it is helping you though.

The wanting to talk, wanting a hug, enjoying her care, but being scared of it taken away, those are all really normal feelings (at least for myself and the people around this forum). My T has also said that he never pushes a client out, but I just can't seem to get my mind around it. Because of the transference I get with my dad, I am fairly certain he's about to go "poof" at any given time. It's hard. I hope it gets better (and sometimes it does, and then worse, and better again). It's a long journey. I find myself begging my H to quit it all the time too. But, it's unnatural to live the way I do, so cut off from myself. So, I keep trying to tell myself that the only way out is through and just keep taking another step. It's so hard to do, but I am (usually) able to sense it is also right. It is the very best thing for me. I trust my T that he has my well-being as his top priority, so if he wants to walk me through this pain and anger that I've shut out, then I have to believe I'll make it...

I totally get how you feel. My T has a spiritual angle, so it's always about strengthening my relationship to God, finding safety with Him, etc. I found that I just needed to outright tell T, more than once, "When I am feeling vulnerable and needy and you do the God stuff, it feels like you are pushing me away. It makes me feel like I am wrong and bad for having my needs met by you or anyone else, even if ultimately God has put those people in my life to do it." I've had to do stuff like specifically tell him that his "God bless" at the end of sessions sometimes sounds like "OK, F--- off now, go away!" I've had to ask him to pray 5-10 minutes before ending the session, so I don't feel like he's shoving me off on God. I've had to tell him that if I text in a really vulnerable state, not to do the, "I'm praying for you. Welcome your helplessness as a prerequisite for God carrying you." Basically, I let him know that him pushing me in that way was actually making me resentful toward the spirituality, rather than accepting of it, because it felt like he was trying to get rid of me. I've had to be very direct about it, saying I don't expect him to change what he believes (and I do too), but that there is a time and a place for him to communicate those ideas to me and a time and a place where I absolutely cannot hear it without transference stuff making it freak me out. Is it possible you could tell your T how it feels to be pushed off on your mom, sister and H like that? To let her know that there are times when her support of you building those relationships is received positively, but when you are trying to accept the feelings of need and comfort you have with her as your therapist, it makes you feel pushed away, lonely, scared, etc.? I know that's a scary conversation to have, but it was causing me so many problems in my case that I just had to do it. So far, it has been pretty helpful, at least in that one aspect.