welcome, River... nice to see new people posting!
Sorry, I don't have any bright thoughts on your post... but thinking...

Scott et all

River,
I've never experienced transference as strongly as I have with my current T but I really think that's because he's given a space to express it and deal with it. I definitely went through a time with my first T, a woman, in which I intensely wished she was my mother but never really talked to her about it. But all through my adult life I've had a series of "crushes" which I wasn't able to really see until I started working on the transference issue. For me, the transference has turned out to be a need for a secure attachment, I think in some ways that has been what I've been searching for my whole life and has affected most of my close relationships. I have revealed my feelings in varying degrees depending on the person. I will say that for someone not trained to handle it, it can look pretty weird. So I think its good to be careful how much you talk to someone about how you feel. On the other hand, if they can handle it, and let you work through it, it can be incredibly healing. Sorry I know how crazymaking this can feel, but it really does come from a healthly place. These kinds of feelings are a sign that you are seeking connection and relationshp which is exactly what you should be doing.

AG

AG,
I am coming to accept that having these "crushes" is actually a good thing even though it feels like torture because I am trying not to scare anyone off. I haven't yet been able to express any of these feelings to anyone but my T and even that took a really long time. I guess I am afraid that if I reveal myself even a little bit then I am wide open to rejection but if I hide too much then I am invisible. Relating to people just does not come naturally for me, I always feel like I am trying to learn a foreign language. So, is there anyway to find "relief" from the crush experience with someone if you are pretty sure you won't be able to talk to them about it?

-River

River,
I think you're doing it actually. The best way to find relief in the long term is talk about the feelings with your therapist. Working through them and getting to the root of them can solve the "longing" allowing us to be more balanced in our relationships. I know that doesn't much help in the short term. For someone you really can't talk to I would probably try to limit contact as much as is practically possible. I really relate to how scary it is to reveal yourself. I've spent my whole life believing that if someone actually knew all of me they would leave. That real intimacy was impossible because it would end the relationship. That's at the heart of my transference with my T. Is he really going to stay? Is it really safe to express all my feelings? etc etc. Its a very different experience and sometimes its unspeakably wonderful and at other times its sheer hell. But I will say that its getting steadily better, just at a much slower pace than I would prefer (which would be instantaneous. ) Sorry not to be more practical help but I can always listen!

AG

I have recently found out some information that is really bothering me. I have talked about my "crush" on my boss in therapy a couple of times. This last time though my T felt compelled to confess that she knows this person. Turns out that her kid and my boss' kid are friends. Anyway, she told me because she thought that I might figure it out on my own eventually so better to be upfront about it. OK, I agree, I appreciate the honesty. But this collision of my worlds feels like an emotional car crash! What are the chances that out of everybody in town I happen to have transference issues with these two? The two people that I have such deep feelings for and whom I would love to be best friends with may actually be friends with each other and I won't ever be a real friend to either of them. I feel this horrible rejection and betrayal at the thought that they may be friends. Intellectually I know that there is no actual rejection or betrayal but it feels devastating nonetheless. I loathe transference.

phew... that's a tough one! *cyber hugs*
robin

River,
I'd have a really tough time with that too. Both the collision of my two worlds. And its hard enough to deal with boundaries without having to know someone who can cross them. I'm really sorry.
(((((((River)))))))

AG

Interesting... some of the insiders here want to desperately to know what our T does all the time... where she eats, where she spends her free time, etc. We had many a discussion about boundaries, and 'personal life' vs 'work life'. But when it comes down to it, I think have the 'two worlds collide' as AG put it, would be stressful and would put one in a difficult position. That being said, we did see a T years ago who also went to our 'sister church' which meant we would see her 'private life' often... in church meetings etc. It put an interesting spin on therapy at times, and once got us into trouble for 'sharing' her views on church politics with others!
Antoni

I believe some T's keep quiet about themselves because their clients aren't required to keep anything they say confidential like they have to with us.
It does drive me crazy sometimes not knowing much about my T's "outside" life. My last T was very open about hers so when I started with this T I didn't understand why she never told me anything about herself. I figured she didn't trust me to respect her privacy and that really annoyed me until we finally talked about it and she explained the whole "blank page" thing. She didn't mention the transference stuff then but now I wish she had. I struggled with those feelings for a long time before I found out it was normal.
I talked to my T yesterday about my problem with her and my boss being friends. OMG! It was so hard to talk about. I felt so embarrassed because my feelings had no logic to them. But I finally spit it all out but was still afraid to ask if they really are friends. Luckily she saw my struggle and volunteered the information that no, they are not friends just acquaintances. Well, that information as well as finally spilling my guts and not being judged at all or thought ridiculous has really made me feel worlds better!
When I think about all of this, I think what I really wanted was to know if I could trust my T. Would she really protect our relationship? Is this new level of intimacy going to backfire on me like it has with others in the past? So far so good. Hopefully the next time something like this comes up I will just be able to ask the question instead of getting all tied up into knots.
Thank you guys for your support this week. It meant a lot to not be alone.

River,
I'm so glad you were able to discuss the situation with your T and even happier that the answer was a good one. It's amazing how much anxiety can build up and what a relief it is to pull it out in the open. And every time you do that makes it just a little easier to do it the next time. I completely understand wanting to know if you can trust your T. I am still struggling with it after alot of intense work (not due to any actions of him but just because its such a major issue with me). And I'm really glad to know you found support here.

AG

Hi everyone, such an interesting discussion about transference. It's definitely not easy. Just wanted to say that I know many people have been viewing it, and I imagine it's been very helpful for them. I'll put a link back to here on the transference article...maybe we can interest a few more folks to come by.

River, I was wondering if you could tell me more about the "blank slate" thing? I'm familiar with the term but I was just wondering what your perspective on it was.

Shrinklady

Hi Shrinklady,

The blank-slate concept I believe is my T's way of helping the transference happen by allowing me to see her in whatever way I needed to, like a mother, sister, or friend. Her personality, emotions, and reactions to things are genuine but she tells me very little about herself and she doesn't often share any of her experiences that may relate to mine. When I asked her about this (finally) she explained that this time was supposed to be about me and not her but I was welcome to ask her questions. So at least then I didn't feel like she didn't trust me or something.
When she did share a few more things about herself it really helped me relax and trust her more (and I told her this.) It was too easy to idealize her and think her life was way better than mine so she couldn't possibly really understand what I was going through. And one time when she shared something about herself that she has in common with me I swear I heard an almost audible "click" of connection and mutual understanding.
When I asked her what transference was was when she brought up the blank-slate idea. I can see why this is part of her standard operating procedure but I am very susceptible to transference and it would have happened no matter what. So for me the blank-slate has been frustrating but for others, it may be what they need to allow the transference to happen. I guess we don't know until we get there.

Thanks for that River. Nice explanation. Yeah, it's true...we don't know until we get there.

I appreciate the concept of therapists not disclosing too much of their lives in order to avoid having the focus be on them. I understand that there's sometimes a fine line there...giving enough of their own experience so the client feels understood but not too much that the client can't feel the transference or ends up taking on the therapist's own stuff (Frankly, I'm not altogether of the mind that it's necessary to encourage transference to happen...there might be other ways for healing to occur, but I also know in some cases it just pops right up there. I'm certainly not an expert on this subject either but I like exploring the ideas around it.)

But I also wonder to what degree therapists are emotionally available to clients. When I've read some of the comments in the articles, and feel the torment some people go through, I get the feeling that they aren't getting enough of the therapists' feelings about what's going on between the two of them. I get the sense that the therapist is not really "showing up". It's pretty hard to learn about connection when the therapist is invisible!

Being emotionally available to my clients is definitely not something that I learned about in my early training. (Heavens that just sounds barbaric when I think of it now.) Yet, we now know (from neuroscience) it's where it's at for creating therapeutic change. Thankfully, I learned how important it is through my own therapy and being in my study group. And, what's really interesting is that, I really "get" how it is that I can only take my clients as far as I am able to go myself.

Shrinklady

Shrinklady,

I am mystified by how therapists get through their work day. Seeing 8 to 10 clients in a day for 45min each one right after the other and being able to be focused and present and emotionally available to each one! It sounds impossible to me. I have always thought (and hated) that a therapist has to have a certain amount of clinical detachment to keep going. The therapist/client relationship is unusual and wierd. I find it difficult to learn about connecting to others through it since with everybody else I usually know them as well as they know me. And I don't have to squeeze a whole conversation into 45 minutes and then wait a whole week before we can talk again. I wish my life were that predictable and organized! Who set this system up? Does it really work for most people?

River,
I agree with you about the detachment. I've actually told my T I what to throw things at his head because I can't get a rise out of him. And the fact that he is impossible to pick a fight with it sometimes drives me nuts. But I also can't imagine how exhausted a T must be by the end of the day. But as artificial as the situation is, I also realize that without those boundaries I would never have allowed the kind of intimacy I have with my T to occur. If for no other reason than the fact that we're both married and getting this close to another man without those safeguards would feel really wrong. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the incredible freedom within therapy to be exactly who you are and express any and all of your feelings can only happen within the boundaries. Not sure I'm making any sense, I'm groping for what I mean, I think because I'm still trying to work it out. I agree with River though Shrinklady, how do you make it through your day?

AG