Thanks for telling me your story SBR. Good for you going back to your former T after months, that was very brave of you. I doubt id have the guts to do something like that.

It scares me to think that the pain of transference really doesnt go away. I cant imagine living like this forever. How long would you say it took for it to become at least manageable? Also, besides the anti-depressants, did anything else change in your life that might have affected the strength of the transference, making it more tolerable. Perhaps you found a new friend/partner that helped fill part of the void. I ask this because im currently on anti-depressants as well, so what im feeling right now wont be getting more tolerable from my meds. I am also pretty alone, so im worried that without any other type of relationships outside of therapy, the chances of my transference getting better are slimmer since i really have no one else to distract me, or fill that attachment i need.

Thanks,
Josh

Hi Josh,

I believe that I am starting to feel the pain of transfernece lessen right now. It's always hard to say for sure because it's such a slow and gradual process. Josh, it takes time. Give yourself time to heal. The pain won't last forever, so I'm told. I definately feel better now than I did 2 months ago.

Everybody's journey through transfernce will be different because everybody has a different situation that they need to heal from. One of the most difficult things about this pain is that there is no road map to find healing. There is no recipe to fix it. You have to find your own way. But this entire group here on this forum is here to listen whenever you need. This group was one of the biggest and most important aspects to my healing.

As for my situation, I am married. My marriage wasn't going well. I was in pain for a long long time. So when I found support through marriage counseling, I found someone who I thought could cure the pain I was in. My marriage counselor understood me. She sympathized with me. I did not want a divorce. But I felt that I did not love my wife anymore. I loved my marriage T. I still kind of feel that way. I too, felt alone. My situation was not going to change. I either had to find a way to fall back in love with my wife or live in pain for the rest of my life. And honestly, I'm still working on that.

Josh, you need to stay positive. Things will change. If you have nobody except for your T right now, then their is still an opportunity for that void to be filled. You could bump into somebody today and it may make you think..."Therapist who?", "transference what?".

I hope that helps.

-SBR

PS:
(((((Liese))))))
So good to hear from you. I hope you are doing well!

quote:

Originally posted by StuckBetweenRock and HardPlace:
I hope that helps.

-SBR

It does! Thanks a bunch SBR!!!

Hi guys!

I dont want to continue sounding like a pest, but i have one more thing to ask. I took the advice of someone else earlier in this thread and decided to write a letter to my therapist about all the thoughts that are going through my mind right now, transference and everything else, and the plan is to give it to her the next time i see her (as long as i dont chicken out). This way if i forget to say something next session, or run out of time, she could still read everything that was going through my mind. Anyways, the letter is kind of long, and im not sure if its good or not and could use some feedback, its pretty personal, and some things in it i havent discussed here, but i want to make sure its good. Would anyone be willing to read it and let me know what they think?

Hi SGJ,
I don't mind reading it at all, but I am wondering when your next session is? I am just concerned I may not be able to get back to you in a timely manner. But feel free to PM me the letter and when you need it back by and I can let you know. Thanks.

AG

Sent. Thanks a bunch. My next session isnt till next Thursday so you have plenty of time.

If anyone else would like to read it, let me know.

Hi everyone,

I can see that there haven't been any new posts on this thread in a while, but this is the thread that helped me find this whole website, and the main reason I went looking for answers online.

I've been in therapy for about six months, and I think I've been feeling transference with my therapist. I did not understand what was going on with my emotions, so I did some research online and finally found out about "transference." I am thankful to everyone on here for showing me that I am not crazy, that these feelings are normal and happen to lots of people. That in itself is comforting.

Lately I have been having a lot of anxiety (in general and) about my life (finding a job in my field, dealing with a relationship that is ending, not having much of a social life, etc..) I find that I feel much better after a therapy session, and this seems to be the only time I feel good at all.

So therapy (and my therapist) is ALL I can think about. I think about my therapist every day. I have spent a lot of time googling her (all searches always come up with nothing, and yet I keep it up.) I have driven to her office on a couple occasions when I did not have an appt scheduled. I can't even explain why I did this, it's as if I had no control over my actions. Once I was there I got terrified that she would walk out at any moment, see me, and wonder what I was doing there, so I left quickly. I felt like such a stalker.

I feel an intense curiosity about her and her life outside of therapy. What would she say and/or do if I were to see her in the grocery store, for instance? We live in the same town so that is a real possibility. Would she be the same warm, caring person she is when we are in session? Or would she brush me aside (I don't think so, but I sometimes wonder if she is genuinely interested in me, or if I am just "part of the job.") I guess I suffer from low self esteem, as well as anxiety.

I find I am struggling with the one-sided-ness of our conversations. She does share some things about herself from time to time, when it will help her make a point or show me that I am not alone, etc. So I do not feel like she is deliberately hiding anything from me. I have just never asked her about herself, because I didn't know what (if anything) would be appropriate, and I would hate to have her tell me she didn't want to share something.

I do not want anything sexual. And I know I can't be her friend, but I still want more from her emotionally. I think. I don't actually understand all of what I am feeling so I don't know exactly what would make it better. But I feel like I want to go to therapy every day. I haven't asked if we could start doing two sessions per week instead of just one. I'm not sure if that would be acceptable and I don't think I could handle it right now if she said no.

I don't understand these feelings! I did not have a traumatic childhood, I was not neglected or abused, or anything I can think of where these feelings could be coming from. I am frustrated, as one person in this thread said, that no one told me that this would (or could) happen. It is unlike anything I have ever experienced...very strange and unexpected, and yet very intense.

I am afraid to tell my therapist about these feelings because I just can't imagine talking so candidly about such intense feelings in the present- it's easier to talk about the past. It's also easier to talk about other people or other things rather than what, or who, is right in front of me. And then the fear of not knowing how she will respond. I believe she would respond in an appropriate manner....I think she is well educated and experienced and therefore probably has had clients experience this before. And I realize that from what I have read on here that this is probably most important to talk about, but I cannot see myself doing it. It is too scary. And embarassing. How do you work up to it?

Any responses would be greatly appreciated....thanks! Sorry so long, this is my first time on any type of forum...I just had to get these feelings out somehow.

Hi Coco...

I'm glad you found us and that what you read here was helpful. I am also pleased that you decided to post. I know it can be scary the first time but it will be worth it to join the community and share and get lots of support and understanding.

As you may have learned, all of what you feel and what you are doing we have all done too in one way or another. When you want to be near your T or you search on line for information you are proximity seeking... you long to be near her because this makes you feel calm and more secure. I believe she has become an attachment figure for you. You say you didn't have a traumatic childhood but perhaps you did not have a proper attachment to your parents/caregivers and this wound is unhealed and why you are reacting in this way regarding your T.

Have you read any of the threads on here about attachment? I would also recommend highly AG's (Attachment Girl) blog where she writes so well about feelings that develop in therapy with your therapist. There is a link for this on any of her posts.

I know it's scary to discuss all of this with your T. I would suggest that maybe you just ask her what she knows about attachment or attachment injury or insecure or unresolved attachments. If you feel that you need to be in therapy twice per week and that you feel you are working and have a lot to discuss or address then I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for twice a week sessions. I see my T twice a week and it really helps me to get from session to session.

I hope to hear more of your story and why you decided to go to therapy and I also hope you find support and reassurance here on the Board.

TN

Hey Coco!

I am feeling so uninspired right now that I really can't think of anything useful to tell you. Umm, transference sucks! Talking about it is really scary and usually feels humiliating to me. But...it can be done. My T says that when something is hard to talk about, it's OK to spend a while talking about the difficulty of talking itself. Weirdly, I've found this to actually help.

I hope you find lots of help here and certainly most of us know exactly what you are dealing with, which might make it a little more bearable.

Coco, hi.

I've been through some of what you are talking about. And, the feelings actually come and go (I've been with my T 21 months). They got pretty intense at some point in my early therapy and I did not talk about it with T (which I regret). I think it was just 3 months ago that I finally told her, "I just feel so attached to you." My T responded, "Why do you think that is?" In talking to her about my feelings, the intensity lessened, which was good for me, because it affected my daily life, thinking about her so much. I also had great worry about losing her (i.e. in ending therapy). She also comforted me by saying that her door is always open, and even if I took a break from therapy (or "ended" it) I could always go back.

quote:

How do you work up to it?

I think you may just do it when you feel ready. When you trust your T enough. When you are comfortable. It may just take time. I think it is a good sign that at the end of the session you feel pretty good.

Hi True North, BLT, and Ninn. Thank you for such speedy responses, and for such encouraging words and advice!

Have you read any of the threads on here about attachment?

I have read a bit about attachment, and honestly I don't really understand the difference between attachment and transference. They seem very similar to me, and similarly upsetting. I was not expecting anything like this to happen. I am still trying to just accept the fact that I even have these feelings, and how can they be real when I hardly know anything about my T?

I hope to hear more of your story and why you decided to go to therapy and I also hope you find support and reassurance here on the Board.

I started therapy originally because I was frustrated at always trying to lose weight and never reaching my goal. I am not severely overweight, and would often come within 5 or 10 pounds of my goal and then everything would change and I would gain weight again. I have realized since I started therapy that for me it is not really about the weight at all, but rather about being happy with my body and myself the way I am.

My T pointed out to me that I have low self esteem, and self confidence, so that is one thing I have been working on with her. I have also learned that I have issues with codependency, and this is another problem for me that I am trying to work on. But again, I don't understand where it came from as I was not abused as a child and there have never been alcoholics in my life. The one thing I can think of is that my mom has always been codependent/anxious/overprotecting/I-don't-want-to-disappoint-her. So maybe I just learned it all from her....that could maybe explain the attachment issues too I guess...

I also have a lot of anxiety, which seemed to get better for a while, but now that I am feeling this way about my T it has come back fairly strong. Whenever I even consider talking to her about this my chest tightens and heart starts to race and I have to try to just breathe through it. It's not sudden like panic attacks, it's more like a constant ache that only seems to go away occasionally.

Ultimately, I overeat, or eat comfort or sugary foods in order to try to feel better, so the weight and body issues will probably not be resolved until I am feeling better in general and more steady and grounded with my emotions.

TN[/QUOTE]

I tried reply with quotes from True North, but it didn't quite work right...can anyone tell me how to do this?

Also, BLT mentioned talking about the weirdness of talking. This sounds much more doable to me right now since it is really the talking about it that is freaking me out right now. thanks!

I have a session later today, and I am not planning on bringing up any transference or attachment issues (I am not ready yet), but maybe I will try sometime soon.

Hi Coco,
Welcome to the forums.

In order to quote someone, you click on the quotes button at the top of the reply window (there's a row of brown buttons). that will place the word quote in brackets followed by the word quote preceded by a backslash in brackets. Copy the text you want to quote, then click in the space between the ending bracket of the first quote and the beginning bracket of the ending quote quote] <click here>[/quo (I only used part of it since typing the whole thing would get it parsed). Then paste in the text (Ctrl-V).

As far as transference and attachment, I can see where there is some confusion as often the two go hand in hand. Attachment refers to our relationship to our therapist, in that for some people, the therapist becomes a "stronger, wiser other" upon whom we feel like we can depend to help us feel safe and handle our feelings. Once that attachment starts to form, people with insecure attachment styles tend to "transfer" the dynamics of their earliest interactions with their primary caregivers in childhood on to the relationship with the therapist. The therapeutic relationship functions on two levels: the real and symbolic. The real is about the here and now actual interactions while the symbolic is about the feelings and expectations you bring because of your past. It can be confusing and difficult to sort them out.

I know TN recommended reading my blog (Thanks TN! ) and I really think the article Disorganized Attachment or Why You Think You're Crazy but You Aren't? might really help.

AG

Coco, I have had a hard time too distinguishing between transference and attachment. There is so much overlap between the two.

Attachment can refer to any very close relationship such as a romantic partnership, but is most commonly refers to the relationship between a child and caregiver. Depending on personal history, the style of a therapist, and other factors, many of us form a kind of attachment relationship with our T's. Essentially the reason this happens is that we are trying to get from out T's something that we needed but didn't get from our parents when we were smaller. It doesn't mean you necessarily had an awful childhood. For example, I had a generally happy childhood, but my mother was emotionally volatile when I was little and I didn't feel like I could rely on my parents to be a stable base for me emotionally (they had their own problems), so I attached to my T trying to get this security I didn't have. Other people might have felt their parents didn't fully understand or pay attention to them in some way, or that they didn't do enough to affirm their worth, and look for these things in a T also.

You'll also hear people talk about "secure" versus "insecure" attachment and different attachment "styles." There is only one kind of secure attachment, which means that as a child you felt safe knowing that your caregiver would be there for you. In terms of insecure attachment, it's usually divided into three types: anxious/preoccupied, avoidant/dismissive, and disorganized. Anxious attachment means you behave in a clingy way because you're constantly afraid of your attachment figure not being there for you when needed. Avoidant means that you act as though you don't need close relationships at all, because your caregiver was so unavailable that you simply gave up on the whole thing and became very independent. Disorganized is the rarest type and means that you were actually afraid of your own caregiver (usually because of abuse) and so you weren't sure whether to move towards them to get the comfort of being close to someone, or to avoid them to avoid getting hurt. In practice some people might have a combination of these styles, depending on the circumstance.

Transference basically means that feelings, expectations, or dynamics from a previous relationship get transfered onto someone else, like your T. An example would be that if my parents yelled at me when I cried, I might be afraid to cry in front of my T and expect her to react in the same way. Transference actually happens all the time with people in our lives, but it can become amplified in therapy and therefore be more obvious.

The way these overlap is that if we do become attached to a T, it usually results in a LOT of very strong transference. All our longings, fears, expectations, etc. about our parents from our childhoods tend to play out all over again in our relationship with our T's. And whatever attachment style we had with our parents when we were little will usually transfer to our T's as well.

I hope that helped a little... It can still be really confusing at times.

Hi Coco, welcome to the forums!

Ah transference, been there, done that, got the t-shirt, like they say. Actually I'm still very much there. I've also been seeing my T for 6 months now, but I came across transference feelings sooner than that, maybe 2 months into therapy. Reading about everyone else's experience here helped immensely to feel "normal" and okay about it, having those kind of feelings about your T is so common and actually a sign that therapy is going well! I also suggest you read AG's blog and the threads here related to transference, post if you have questions or doubts, being informed about it is the best thing you can do to stop being afraid of it. I remember feeling "cheated" because I never knew feeling this way about a T could happen! It can be really scary.

But the truth is you and your T are both in a relationship, a therapeutic one yes, but nevertheless a relationship, of course people have feelings about it. I think about him ALL the time too, he has a little sofa in my right side lobe

Driving past a T's office outside therapy times is something I've read loads here, you're certainly not alone on that. The most I've done was googling him and finding his website (he asked before if I've seen it so I think he actually wanted me to look him up) and some of his articles. I ended up blocking his site from my computer, I don't want to be tempted to look him up. Sometimes I'm also scared that maybe one of these days these feelings will go out of proportion and I'll lose control/go completely insane and invade his privacy and behave inappropriately towards him, maybe he'll call the police and get angry at me and I'll never see him again. But I think this is a thought that comes from the fear of being rejected after exposing myself and my feelings to him.

Even if my feelings for him escalated to a point where I can't help myself and my actions I certainly wouldn't be the first nor the last.

I've never told him directly about my transference but I have mentioned that I do like to talk to him and that I find him interesting, and I found out that talking about it does help to regulate these emotions.

Best of luck to you Coco, and I hope I'll see you around