I’ve been doing a load more reading about attachment theory, and the more I read the more I’m finding that the literature is becoming as reductionist as Freudian theory was. As far as I can tell there’s only four attachment ‘styles’ and though I assume that these four global styles aren’t really intended as a one size fits all thing, it does appear to be going that way.

Here’s a link for anyone who wants a potted description of the styles. I’ve come across a lot of confusion in labelling as well, so while for CHILREN the styles seem to be: Secure, Ambivalent, Avoidant, and Disorganized, for ADULTS the fourth category seems to change according to who you read or what questionnaire the interviewer/researcher is using. Thus you get either Disorganized, or Fearful Avoidant, or Unresolved. The literature uses all these terms more or less interchangeably, though they definitely have different meanings.

Adult Attachment Styles

I also have trouble trying to reconcile the fact of the whole population fitting neatly into one or other of the four categories. You would expect there to be sub categories and mixes and overlaps, yet the literature consistently stays talking about four distinct categories (with most attention paid to the first three). If anyone has any links or books or articles that do go into more detail on the (what I expect should be) inevitable complexity of trying to define people according to their attachment style, I’d love to read them.


I’ve never been able to figure out my attachment style, but the more I read the more I seem to fit (some of) the descriptions of preoccupied/ambivalent. But I do baulk at that characterization because I REALLY disagree with the main descriptor, that of hyperactivating or ‘exaggerating’ feelings to ensure as much as possible grabbing the attention of a caregiver/attachment figure. And yes, the word exaggerating is used extensively in the literature. I think it’s a very perjorative word and implies that the person is deliberately and consciously magnifying feelings for effect, and that they’re not genuine, so I’m not terribly happy with its use

I’m inclined to think I actually belong more in the ‘fearful/avoidant’ category, but there’s not a lot of stuff out there defining that category so it’s hard to tell. Again if anyone has any more info on these different categories, I’d love to get my hands on it.

I also want to ask if anyone who thinks they fit the preoccupied/ambivalent style, whether they think they DO ‘exaggerate’ their feelings. (Fwiw in the literature I’ve been reading, borderlines seem to be considered preoccupied/ambivalent par excellence, and while I can see probable links between having to have developed a hyperactivating attachment ‘strategy’ to get care in the past, and the apparent overwhelming affect that borderlines supposedly experience, I should think that anyone who considers themselves borderline would also be pretty offended at being told they were ‘exaggerating’… or not?)


Anyway the point of this thread is to see what other people think of their perceived attachment style, and whether they feel they fit into one or other of the categories.

Any thoughts anyone?

LL

LL,

I understand what you mean about the four categories being reductionist. Part of the problem is that human beings behaviors are a complex interplay between genetics and environment and comprised of so many aspects, that whenever you focus in on one aspect of behavior, you are going to lose sight of some of that complexity. However, if you don't paint with broad strokes, it becomes impossible to discuss any aspect of human behavior or development. So I think the most important thing to remember is that while identifying an attachment style may help you understand yourself, you are NOT an attachment style, nor is it even close to be the only lens through which you can seek understanding of your behavior.

As for a source, by far the best book I have ever read is David Wallin's Attachment in Psychotherapy. Heavy going, but it does treat the subject in a more complex manner that I think you're looking for.

And last but not least, the use of "exaggerated" is not meant to describe a conscious or manipulative behavior on the part of the "anxious" person (btw, I have disorganized attachment and am the opposite of DF as I lean more towards anxious than avoidant although both are there.) This is an unconscious action learned because it was difficult to attract the caregiver's attention. So when the child was distressed, they would often have to express it more strongly in order to attract attention. In some ways, the lack of consistency could teach a child to feel things MORE keenly as the only way to have their needs met.

So a person with anxious attachment is reporting their actual feelings but probably feel more strongly in reaction to situations than a person with secure attachment.

My T had a great analogy for it. If a person in the US gets hungry, it's just not a big deal. They get up, walk to the fridge and grab a bite. Therefore, hunger does not feel threatening. But take someone in the Sudan who may not know where there next meal is coming from and getting hungry is incredibly scary and threatening. The same thing is true of a person with an anxious attachment style, we feel much MORE threatened by feeling lonely or abandoned or angry because we cannot be sure that someone will hear us or meet our needs. Hope that helps.

AG

quote:

In general, going out in the world, I approach with a dismissive style - however, if someone gets past that and I do actually become attached to them (in a usually codependent way, I might add - where I attach a lot of my happiness to their happiness (i.e.: If I can't make you happy, I'm not happy and I'm worthless and incapable is the mantra)). So I switch from not wanting a relationship, to, if one is established I do begin to get scared of abandonment

Wow, DF, that is like the perfect description...except, once someone is past my defenses, if I have allowed a genuine connection/attachment, I do get very clingy...and then swing to avoidant resentment about that.

I agree with what DF has said here, regarding there being factors of temperament and other issues which can kind of influence things that are perceived as "attachment" related behaviors, but could have other sources. I used to identify with the preoccupied attachment style, but that was because I only looked at the relationships which were already very intimate (at the time, it amounted to one or two) and not my style of relating as a whole, which was to avoid ever getting into intimate relationships in the first place, because once I did, the troublesome clinging would arise.

I actually do find myself constantly testing and worrying whether I am exaggerating my feelings to get attention and even confessed that to my T very early on, before I even came on this forum. I think there are several reasons, in my particular case, for this concern. First, I stigmatize attention-seeking, not only because it as seen in a negative light in the world in general, but being noticed was very dangerous and being invisible (living up to expectations, never complaining) was safe. My nearly always performing and never sharing my feelings at home was the difference between my oldest sister getting kicked out dozens of times and me getting kicked out only a few. It was the difference between my mom having screaming matches with others in the street and me getting yelled at in private. It was why I was only rarely physically threatened and most of the bad stuff that happened was the result of being caught in the crossfire. So, the whole concept of wanting attention fills me with anxiety.

The second reason I think I tend to feel like I am attention-seeking, even though I objectively know I am being honest about my internal experience, is that what I now know as dissociation meant I might feel completely overwhelmed one minute and literally numb and detached from those feelings the next. So, to the part who can go, "Whatever? Who the f--- cares?" the freak-out seems totally out of proportion, nonsensical, and so must be attention-seeking. I think this manifests on the forum a lot when I will post something freaking out and delete it less than an hour later, because I am convinced those feelings were never true and I must have made them up somehow. I feel like I've somehow tried to get attention and support when I obviously don't really need or deserve it for something so lame. Then, I project those feelings onto those who are reading and delete the post in a panic. Again, this doesn't directly relate to attachment, but just the sense of exaggeration. One lucky thing about parts work is that I am now a lot less confused in therapy, because I can tell my T the simultaneous reactions I am having all the time, like when I want to get close, but there is also fear, resentment, a desire to quit and never come back. Or, I can tell him about something that was very upsetting to me, while at the same time communicating that it feels like no big deal elsewhere inside, and the feedback I am getting to STFU and get over it already.

I have noticed that there doesn't tend to be a lot of information on the avoidant style, which I would like to see more of, because it seems to be what I consciously chose to do from my early 20s until last year, when therapy triggered the anxious parts. I have called it pathological independence and it meant I literally was only vulnerable with one person, my H, and if I could have avoided that and still called it a marriage, I probably would have. I would not allow myself to rely on, receive from, attach to, crave connection with, any other person, for nearly a decade. And, those were the most stable years of my entire life. It was a sort of phobia of closeness, because it is such a trigger for me.

I have read a lot about disorganized attachment recently, just because it seems to come up in a lot of articles on dissociative disorders, and also BPD and CPTSD. Ugh, I don't feel like I've maybe given much useful at all here. But, I'm sure one of our resident experts can come in here and provide some guidance.

DF, AG and Yaku thanks SO much for your replies. Given me lots to think about - which I'll go away and do and come back later to pick your brains some more, if that's ok.

LL

Hi Lamplighter!

Great thread and great discussion. I think I might have started out one way ... maybe preoccupied but then became avoidant after some bad experiences but still have the preoccupied part and so I'm thinking that now I must have evolved into disorganized. Because God knows I haven't been able to attach to anyone successfully in a really long time. And, so I tend to agree with you that it might not quite as simple as the literature makes it out to be.

I have just started to read Attached by Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. It is primarily about attachment styles in relationships - it is a pretty easy read.

It is about working out your attachment style and your partners and understanding the relationship. It only uses 3 modes - Anxious, Avoidant and Secure. I am only starting out with this attachment stuff - so I am finding this book easier for me to grasp as it applies it to your relationships and I am finding it less confronting.

So far I am avoidant - but I am keeping an open mind.

Looking at that Wiki link to attachment - generally I am either dismissive-avoidant or fearful-avoidant (or both) and with my attached people - ie childT, was youngT and hopefully T - I am moving toward anxious-preoccupied.

Does this sound right? For me it looks like I am moving from never being attached to anyone (and not really caring) to being attached to youngT (my first ever attachment in my life) and once I want and need that attachment - I am then anxious-preoccupied with it.

In regard to exaggerating problems etc - I under-do it. My T said to me the other day that she realised very early on that if I said 'things are bad' that it has taken a very long time for me to admit that and I needed help a long time ago. Attention seeking also - not part of my thing.

I am desperate for my attached people to be close to me for survival and I crave that someone thinks I matter and that they "see me". i have spent my life trying to be invisible. i want them to care for me - I don't want every friend I know to care for me - as their care doesn't matter to me.

Am I making any sense? I think i am making some important connections as I type here. Though provoking.

Ok I’ve been thinking about this, and about the comments you guys have made, lol now I’m back with more questions and more stuff to say.

You know DF you’ve made a really important point there with querying whether the way a person is, is actually a mix of different things and not simply one attachment ‘style’. And AG too, that human behaviour is a complex interplay of many different aspects – both of your posts gave me a much needed reality jolt. And Yaku too. Thank you. I was (am) in danger of getting hooked into the stuff I’m reading and seeing EVERYTHING solely in terms of attachment – which is actually easy to do because it does seem to explain an awful lot – but the literature itself presents only attachment theory and doesn’t consider it as part of a greater whole and so it sort of becomes the be all and end all of psychology.

DF if your T hadn’t told you she thought you had a disorganized style, would you have come to that conclusion yourself? I’ve never been diagnosed with anything even when I’ve point blank asked Ts, Ps and the like ‘wtf is wrong with me????’ and I also get the impression that attachment theory hasn’t filtered down to the ground very much in this country so most Ts if I asked, what do you think my attachment ‘strategy’ is, wouldn’t know what the hell I’m on about.

I suppose I’d like very much to just ‘know’ what’s wrong with me so I can set about fixing it. If I could fit myself into one of the attachment styles I’d feel a whole lot more certain about things. It’s the not knowing that does my head in.

AG, Wallin’s book was the very first one I read about attachment (I bought it on the back of your original recommendation, if I remember rightly, way back in another thread on forum). Since then I’ve read so much about this theory and I guess I’m calling it reductionist because where I expected the research and the literature to present a fundamentally simple concept in much more complex detail, it just seems to be becoming more and more rigid and repetitive and narrow instead. Very frustrating. That’s why I so liked that book I recommended in the book forum, on child abuse and neglect in attachment terms, because it related the theory to people. I digress…

Oh and I loved your analogy about being starving. That really does put this whole 'exaggeration' idea into perspective. Thank you.

Found this quote in the current book I’m reading which supports what AG and DF and Yaku are saying, am including it to remind myself in the future not to get too caught up in finding a nice simple answer to who I am.

quote:

‘Although certain dynamics may be associated with a particular attachment style, they are not equivalent to each other… There is little to be gained by attempting to ‘squeeze’ or reduce idiosyncratic clinical patterns into one or other ‘standard’ attachment category when there is not a good fit. Given the current popularity of attachment theory, this is a real danger. This misuse of attachment ideas will not do justice to the complexity of the clinical phenomena. It is also likely that in the course of trying to squeeze everything into the framework of attachment theory, the central concepts, ideas, and hypotheses of that theory will become so diluted as to lose any precision of meaning and any possibility of empirical test. It must be acknowledged that although attachment is a vital area of human functioning and experience, it does not constitute all of personality development and functioning.’

Anyway, what I’m finding interesting in the replies here (thanks also Liese and Somedays) is that no-one is coming straight out and saying hey I’m x attachment style. I’m wondering if attachment styles might fit children much more closely (which is where it all originated anyway) and that by the time we grow up and as we get older too, things become much more complex and get modified and change and overlap etc.

Somedays I found it interesting what you said about moving from avoidant to becoming anxious-preoccupied once you found an attachment figure. I suspect I’m something like that, that normally I’m pretty avoidant of intimate relationships – lol when they’re on offer that is, which is not TOO often – but that that is a defence of the really needy stuff underneath. I wonder if attachment styles aren’t so much ‘strategies’ as defences. Because for sure if I exaggerated my feelings when I was a kid no way in hell would that have gotten me the caregiving I might have been after, quite the reverse. Yet to all intents and purposes I’ve ended up totally trapped in the preoccupied neediness for certainty and reassurance and the terror of rejection and abandonment etc and use the so-called avoidant strategy purely as a defence. Dunno what I’m saying here, just musing aloud I think. Actually yes, I think I’ll start modifying what I’ve learnt about attachment in light of my own experience, and start seeing my ‘style’ whatever that is, as a defence, not as a strategy. Lol because if it’s a strategy, it sure as hell hasn’t worked!

Anyway Somedays I wanted to ask whether if you have been pretty much avoidant most of your life and suddenly whammo, you’ve gotten attached – that must have been pretty unsettling, to say the least? Did it seem ‘out of character’ to you?

Yaku you’ve said something similar too, that you’ve actually been avoidant generally but the preoccupied ‘style’ is what takes over when you’re in a close relationship. It sounds like you’ve got the reverse of the ‘exaggeration’, that YOU think you’re exaggerating, making your feelings up. I wonder if that’s because of the avoidant aspect? Makes me think that actually we could have aspects of all the styles which end up conflicting with each other. Hm, which again says to me it’s all defensive, not strategic...

Hey on the contrary, Yaku, what you’ve written was really helpful and interesting too – and thank you for being so open about yourself Oh re avoidant style, I acquired a book which dealt specifically with it called ‘Trauma and the Avoidant Client’ by Robert Muller. I don’t remember much of it, but know that it dealt specifically with avoidant clients in therapy. Here’s the google book link to it if you want to peruse some pages.

Trauma and the Avoidant Client

Liese interesting that you too seem to shuttle between styles and can’t pin it down to one or the other. I guess I just assumed that most people did fit a style and knew it too, but maybe in the end attachment theory is just a useful paradigm that points the way, rather than being a definitive categorization of who people are.

I see I’ve written an enormous reply and though there’s tons of stuff I still want to know, perhaps I’d better stop for now. I’d still like to hear from more people what they think, especially if they do think they fit a particular style, or conversely, have further ideas about this whole attachment style idea.

Thanks all

LL

Hmm. Looking on Wiki thing, I would say that I am anxious-preoccupied attachment. I have a history of being involved with a few people who are usually very fearul-avoidant. A recipe for emotional chaos unfortunately because the more I clinged, the more they cut themselves off.

These days I feel that I am tending toward dismissive-avoidant with friends and the like.

I just seem to get IMMEDIATELY very, very anxious and preoccupied in intimate relationships. It's terrible. I loose my appetite quickly and they quickly become the centre of my universe. Nothing else matters but them. I think this is what puts me off having an intimate relationship. Though I yearn for it and have done for 10 years (I am a fantasist, wanting the 'perfect' relationship), I am getting to a point where I seem to be setting up walls around me and actively keeping relatively distant from people.

This is ONLY with intimate relationships. With pretty much all other relationships the avoidant/dismissive sort of attachment style comes to me very naturally. I could travel across the other side the world and not miss anyone really.

Strangely though, my attachment to my therapist is not 'romantic' and I am very attached to her. In saying this I remember when I was a child at school and I used to become attached to a few middle aged female teachers. 3 if I remember. They were authoritative but very kind and helpful. T echoes those teachers. I told her that at times she encompasses everything from mother, aunt, sister, friend, lover but I see her as a reflection of those teachers. I have experienced erotic transference and sometimes I feel that I still do but I'm really not sure. I can't fathom the different between attachment and attraction with her. Confusing..

I don't really know why it's getting worse. I guess in therapy I am addressing all sorts of things right now. Who knows.

LL,
The quote you put in your post was very much what I was trying to say. Each person in therapy is unique and I think a good clinician has a LOT of stuff in their toolbox, across a wide range of modalities. If you get too locked into a modality, then there is a tendency to fit a client to a solution, rather than solve what they're facing. It's the old cliche of "if all you have is a hammer, then every problem looks like a nail."

My T's original training was in Behaviorial therapy but he's very well read and has also learned a tremendous amount through actually being a therapist for 30 years. So his approach is to just "be" with the client and see where it goes and he uses anything he needs to. So although attachment theory was quite important to me, and as a matter of fact, I believe key to my healing, it wasn't the only thing we used or did.

I would definitely classify myself as having disorganized attachment, mainly because of the fact that I always longed for an intimate relationship where I could be fully known, but it terrified me because I also believed that anyone who really knew me would abandon me because I was so repulsive. So when I finally got someone promising that they would stay no matter what I showed them, I would have expected to just want to fight towards them, and work through my fear. But instead, I found myself desparately looking for reasons to leave because getting close was way TOO dangerous. I also based it on the fact that I had to fight through a lot of disassociation and that I was abused by a parent. Disorganized attachment happens most often in the case of abuse by a caregiver.

So I think where it gets confusing is that to be scared of attachment is not the same as being avoidant. Avoidant is someone who honestly believes they do NOT need anyone else. That it is possible to live as an island and always meet their own needs. They shut out the awareness of their own healthy need for connection. Anxious on the other had is someone who knows they need/want relationship but is aware that when they get too close they also get "too needy" and drive people away, so it's scary to get close. It's important to remember how these styles were formed. They were in reaction to the caregivers' actions or lack thereof. Avoidant was for parents who were never available, so you stop asking for something you're not going to get AND the caregiver is happier with you when you have no needs. Anxious was formed in response to someone who was unpredictably available; you stay focused on the caregiver in order not to miss care when it IS available and you "exaggerate" your affect in hopes of drawing out that elusive response. Disorganized was in reaction to an abuser. So you had to go towards for care, but had to stay away because of the danger. And sometimes you just froze.

I think the other confusing thing is that when we're in therapy we're working to change and form an "earned" secure attachment, so that our style should be moving away from the insecure style formed in childhood and towards a healthier way of relating.

So yeah, LL, it's not a real cut and dried kind of thing. There are actually some tests on the internet to analyze your attachment style, that I have taken several times over the course of my healing. The results are actually graphed in a quandrant system and I've watched my placement shift as I have healed.

AG

Ahhhhhh! Suddenly the penny has dropped for me. Thanks very much AG and DF for explaining more about the dismissing/avoidant style. That now makes perfect sense and yeah suddenly I can see the very clear distinction between ‘avoiding’ relationships, intimacy and well feelings generally, based on fear, and genuine ‘avoidance’ based on a true belief that relationships really aren’t necessary (sorry if I haven’t worded it correctly, that’s sort of my interpretation of what you DF specifically said.) Lol if I had a choice I’d opt for avoidant, seems to me that at least you get to experience a good sense of self esteem that isn’t endlessly dependent on the positive reflections of others. I don’t mean to belittle here either or make out that being avoidant is a barrel of laughs, it’s just that I turn myself inside out wondering what it would be like to feel ok about myself, you know, like gazing longingly at something you know you’re never going to get

When I think about my FOO I’d have thought I should have ended up avoidant as there was a nasty mix of abandonment (my mother left when I was 3), open rejection, dismissiveness, negation, arbitrary punishment, and outright physical and pretty vicious verbal abuse. Not much opportunity for a preoccupied ‘strategy’ to succeed and plenty of reason to decide that relationships and trying to get close to people was most definitely a bad idea. But maybe you can only implement a dismissive/avoidant ‘strategy’ if you have somehow managed to find a way of internalising a positive sense of self that then allows you to become not-needy, or maybe being independent got some sort of reinforcement or reward? I’m just speculating here, trying to imagine how different styles would develop from the child's point of view.

About disorganized attachment – would it be fair to say that the push/pull dynamic, the drive to connect and be known that seems to automatically set in motion an equal terror that – in my case anyway – results in an almost intolerable stuck no way in no way out position – both wanting and terrified of taking – would that be categorized as disorganized? From my reading of the attachment theory guff, there seems even less info on disorganized attachment than any of the other categories. But it now makes a whole lot more sense to me about what’s going on in me, taking into account the role of fear. Lol I do feel much better about it all now that this is clear. Right, I’m off now to exaggerate a few feelings, see where that gets me. Sorry bad taste joke.

DF you’re very much onto a wise thing there, with keeping away from researching all this stuff and just allowing the therapy itself to work without having to categorize everything your T does or know in advance what’s going on. I’ve heard you say that before and thought, now that’s smart I think I’m still at the point in my (new) therapy that I’m needing to KNOW everything all the time, too many crap experiences with crap therapists for me to trust that they know what they’re doing without my having some inside knowledge about what it’s all meant to be about. I’m hopeful though that my new T is good enough that one day soon I can drop all this having to know and understand everything and just let the relationship itself work its magic. Oh I live in constant hope. And it will save me a fortune in Amazon fees .

Hello there FMN. Sounds like you’re feeling pretty confused about all this attachment stuff. (Me too, that’s why I keep researching and researching.) Interesting that you, too, see yourself as having one attachment style in intimate relationships, yet other relationships don’t seem to matter at all. Yaku above said something similar. Made me think, and I realized that actually, I’m the opposite, I regard EVERYONE as a potential AF – I don’t make much distinction between people in that way, though obviously in some cases the intensity of the feelings/neediness is less than in others. I WANT A MUMMY!!!!!!! Oops, that just slipped out, I suppose because that’s what’s behind my viewing everyone in this way. Lol someone the other day said that the forum was my AF and they were right. I wonder if anyone else feels that way about this place…

Got to go get dinner now, probably fortunately for everyone otherwise this reply could just go on and on and on...

LL

Yaku! What you wrote really said something to me about me. Wow. Thank you, you've woken me up a bit to questions about why I feel 'bad' for attention-seeking so much. You've given some very useful information, thankyou. The experiences you had really echo mine as well so its definitely some food for thought

quote:

I think this manifests on the forum a lot when I will post something freaking out and delete it less than an hour later, because I am convinced those feelings were never true and I must have made them up somehow

Often I have this habit too. I'll write something in my blog mainly and delete it not so long afterward because it didn't seem real at the time or too exxagurated or 'fake' or whatnot. I can hardly tell what I really feel. I've got used to being very apathetic and numb, so that when feelings come out, I am convinced that they arn't real. I look back on my last session with T where there was quite a bit of crying going on and I am partly convinced that I did it through deliberation, through thinking too much and getting to the point of tears. I tell myself 'You've just thought yourself into all this pain, it isn't real at all. Get over it. Live your life. You're absolutely fine!'. And then when I do have happier/content moments, then I simply justify to myself that I am indeed a happy person and all the past was just faked. Then I feel guilty for it and start monitoring my emotions with a fine tooth comb to convince myself that what I was feeling was at least a little bit real because if it wasn't then I am a bad, attention-seeking, narcissist fake who deserves to be left alone.

Hey LL, hope you are well. Yes it is very confusing. I am starting to wonder how many women I have been really attracted to and how many were simply due to a strong attachment I demonstrated. Hmm, I think there was a degree of attraction but the anxiety that formed from the attachment side of things blurred how strong or weak or how 'compatible' we were together. My last involvement with someone was extremely confusing. I just didn't get it.

It causes me to rethink my entire sexuality...I know I am attracted to women but to what extent? And perhaps I'm in a state of disassociation so much that whatever other feelings there might be, might not be in on the surface as I need them to be? All these questions. Ha..! I shall relay them to T when I see her next.

LL,

Just wondering out loud here if perhaps all the books sound so rigid is because they are all possibly saying the same thing over and over again? Like, how many different ways could someone write a book describing the different attachment styles without starting to sound redundant and rigid. Unless one of them came out with a new way to look at it, or perhaps showed how they can develop and change over the course of someone's life and impact their decisions and their life as well, then maybe it will all just sound rigid and simple, in a sense? I wonder if that's why that child welfare book was so good because it actually did take a different take on the issue?

I haven't done the reading you have so it's hard to say ... but I kind of feel like after reading Wallin's book, unless someone had something new to offer on the subject, I'm not sure if it just wouldn't be just chewing on the same stuff over and over again. Maybe you've identified a real need out there for a book that is more "meaty" so to speak. Anyone?

Deepfried,

Hi DF - I'm coming by with my links now.

Here's a long article on attachment.

Attachment, Detachment, Nonattachment: Achieving Synthesis

Maybe it will answer your questions, I don't know it's been years since I read this.

It's confusing because attachment theory is just one component of object relations theory. So if you look at attachment theory without it's parent object relations, you don't have the rest of the context to see the bigger picture. Besides, the 2 compliment each other. Attachment theory isn't designed as some stand alone explanation to apply to clinical therapy settings.

In object relations childhood attachment styles usually lead to adult personality patterns or maladaptive traits:

Dismissive:

-Avoidant (intensely crave relationships but too fearful)
-Narcissistic (avoid intimacy but seek gratification)
-Schizoid (don't need anybody don't want anybody)
-Obsessive Compulsive (to busy to need anybody; form attachments to non-people)

Anxious or preoccupied:

-Borderline (oscillate between avoidance and dependency)
-Histrionic (seek attachments for protection and self esteem maintenance)
-Codependent (people please to retain attachment)

You don't have to have a personality disorder to benefit from learning object relations! It explains the missing piece to the puzzle.



Maybe.
Give it a try.
I hope this helps and doesn't offend.

..outta here now

Ah, I love it when LL is on the forum... (Not to say that others don't have, too, ack! PAD attack!!!) It's just I so often relate so much... I have no idea what my attachment style is, just as, I am the only person I have ever met who has "failed" a Myer's-Briggs personality test... I just don't know the answers to the questions!! It's always different, every time! yarg.

FMG said:

quote:

Often I have this habit too. I'll write something in my blog mainly and delete it not so long afterward because it didn't seem real at the time or too exxagurated or 'fake' or whatnot. I can hardly tell what I really feel. I've got used to being very apathetic and numb, so that when feelings come out, I am convinced that they arn't real. I look back on my last session with T where there was quite a bit of crying going on and I am partly convinced that I did it through deliberation, through thinking too much and getting to the point of tears. I tell myself 'You've just thought yourself into all this pain, it isn't real at all. Get over it. Live your life. You're absolutely fine!'. And then when I do have happier/content moments, then I simply justify to myself that I am indeed a happy person and all the past was just faked. Then I feel guilty for it and start monitoring my emotions with a fine tooth comb to convince myself that what I was feeling was at least a little bit real because if it wasn't then I am a bad, attention-seeking, narcissist fake who deserves to be left alone.

Oh, my goodness, I have never had someone speak their thoughts and have them so deeply coincide with my own. It is just, really, really nice to know I am not alone, FMG!!! Even though...I am sorry you deal with this, too, cause it sucks. For me...it comes as a (very shameful) relief when I discover that others like my T or whatever) think I have clearly, problems...or I want a diagnoses! because it would just be a relief to have some kind of knowledge of myself, to know that my "pain" is justified and real. I don't believe in my own tears...I think they are a fake, and, most definitely manufactured to get attention. It would be so nice to feel "real." I find I guess, I rpobably most identify with this preoccupied/ambivalent...but I tend to think that most people are a mix, most likely, and you could probably get mor3e information by rating yourself as "most like" on a scale system. so that all the categories are included in the analysis, but you rate them according what is most dominant...to least dominant...but still presetn.

Anyway- thank for the thread LL...in answer to your question, yes, I often feel that I really do exaggerate my feelings in order to get attention, and this was particulalrly true in therapy...but I'm also really not sure if that is true, or if that was some kind of...defense agains the pian of experiencing the feelings as actually, real or not.

I can honestly say that I do not have any idea if I miss my T or not. Even though I can't believe how much I miss him. It is actually crazy-making.

Hugs, LL...and all here..

Beebs

Oh-i see. I thought you wanted me to post something. Maybe you were being silly or sarcastic Actually, i had another look at that article and thought it was really informative...it's over 90 pages long, so i doubt I'll get through it all.

Lamps, i thought Mr. Descriptive (Howe) from the other attachment thread we were in a week ago about his book explained it very throughly? Didn't you buy and read it???

I think childhood attachment style reflects your temperment you are born with, for the most part, then interacts dynamically with environment-especially your parent(s)own attachment style and behavior, but also your brothers and sisters (or lack of), grandparents and other relatives, family wealth, family loss at a young age, drug/alcohol abuse of parents, health issues...many variables. Environment ultimately affects or changes gene expression which then ultimately affects your overall personality development in becoming an adult. So your childhood attachment style doesn't necessarily stick with you.

Since your personality is not fully developed until you are about 20, so many variables could affect your adult attachment style regardless of the temperment you were born with. Some say childhood attachment styles or your parents attacment styles maybe moreso, predict your adult attachment style, but with all of those variables, and the spectrum concept (many children end up as attachment 'unclassified' in those studies), I am not so sure how accurate those studies are. So, it doesn't seem to be the most pragmatic way, imo, to look at oneself as an adult in order to gain understanding.

But I'll say this diagram is illustrative of the concept of spectrum range (a lot of people don't relate of fit into one 'category'), which is more aligned with my own thinking. It might be helpful to put a dot where you think you are...see where your strengths and weaknessess are. My take on it anyway.






Source: Four-category model of adult attachment (Griffin & Bartholomew, 1994b), Psycnet.apa.org

I hope this image doesn't come out huge like the last time i posted a picture. Well, gotta go finish making my shopping list/plan dinners to cook for the week.

Bye