quote:

Hi. I'm new here. Never done this forum or chat thing before, though have evesdropped many times!

Just wanted to say hi, tell you that this is all so real to me it is cool and scary at the same time. Feels like I have come home, yet validates my destructive thoughts more. Figure that?!

Hi JAW, welcome to the forum, I'm glad you decided to post and say hi. I'm really glad that you feel like you've found place where what you're feeling can be understood and that you can feel at home. For so many of us dealing with this stuff, that understanding and acceptance can be really helpful. I am sorry to hear that it validates destructive thoughts though as I wouldn't want you to think that ANYTHING justifies hurting yourself. I hope you'll be able to talk about what you're feeling and find support here.

I know you used the word self-indulgent to describe what we're doing here or how we're discussing it but I want to say that far from being self-indulgent, it has been my experience that the people who are willing to experience and face these feelings are very strong and courageous. Being able to stay and look at these feelings and dig underneath for the meaning is painstaking difficult work.

I'm looking forward to getting to know you.

AG

AG, TN, Summer, S,

What a hard thread to read! I can hardly stand the thoughts in my head and the torrent of emotions they stir. I can understand the rational for transference therapy but my heart feels deeply betrayed. Death is more inviting than to imagine anyone thinking I have some unconscious longing or desire for my therapist! I wish I had the words to explain how strongly I feel about this possibility. I did not sign up for this! I was not told by my T that the therapeutic relationship is most of what happens in therapy.

For the past few years, I mostly ignored the things she did that irritated me. Sometimes I could confront her or disagree with her but i did not try to make an issue of our differences. I needed her help and did not want to let the feelings I felt interfere. In an effort to understand the cause of and process for recovery of repressed memories, I read copiously. What a waste of time! I did not need to read, rather, I needed to let myself feel and bring those feelings to the therapy appointment. I still struggle to believe doing so is most important. Why didn't she tell me they were the key to healing? (Rhetorical question, I know.) I feel like such a fool. I feel incredibly ashamed and deeply saddened. It feels as though I've been purposely set up. I don't want this but I can't stop it and if I understand this, and other threads on the topic of transference, going through it is the only way out. How does one face this and continue to work full-time? What causes such an intense fear of exposure?

Deeply Rooted

Thanks AG. Means a lot. Want to open up on here maybe one time, but not not. Too much **** going on atm, and a VERY difficult day in store tomorrow.

Oh, and I was not accusing others of being self indulgent, just myself. Of course for others it is understandable and laudable to use these sites, it is only for me that it is self indulgent! ;-)

x

AG wrote:

quote:

I learned something about my feelings, this isn't a new problem. The incredible pain and longing I was feeling was actually about what I didn't get as a child as well as what I wasn't getting now. This pain and agony has been lingering for my whole life and driving me in so many ways that I was totally unaware of. The theraputic relationship isn't responsible for a new problem or pain in my life, it's a chance to be able to look at my existing pain and finally feel it, face it, mourn my losses and resolve these longings.

Earlier, I read how we are unable to think clearly while we are reacting emotionally. My last post is certainly embarrassing evidence of that truth. I am less emotional now and, hopefully, thinking more clearly. What I am learning from that outburst is how deeply afraid I am to face the truth of what is emerging from my repressed and/or dissociated memories. I am at least equally afraid that my T will leave me (physically or emotionally) to face those memories alone. I have no hard evidence that this will happen but the postings of abandonment, triggered me. I see that now. If I follow what AG is saying, then this pain is triggering my childhood fears of abandonment and that is a painful reality I need to mourn. In childhood, abandonment forced me to try to figure things out on my own. I had no one as a child whom I could depend upon or to help me process the painful events that were continually taking place; events that left me feeling helpless and powerless. Nothing I said or did could control how other people behaved or the effect their choices had on my life. In counseling, I am learning to find my voice, restore the power taken from me, and choose how I will respond to other people and the effect their choices have on my life. (Do not miss the point that I have not found a way to control what other people do or how they treat me). Learning how to recognize healthy people, living with boundaries, giving and receiving, and exercising trust are not easy lessons for me to learn.

I've thought about what I really want from my T and made a brief list:

I want her to explain things to me. That does not mean I always ask for an explanation but I am aware of that expectation. Knowledge IS power but it is not all there is to find healing.
• I want her to stay attuned to me and help me say or feel what I am unable to express on my own. This reminds me of what I read about shame. Apparently, it is the hardest emotion to process because, to feel it most deeply, it requires the eyes or ears of another. Healing from shame begins when shame meets acceptance in the eyes and ears of another.
• I need her comfort. I am not sure what form of comfort I need. If I asked for a hug she would give it but I am afraid I will enjoy it so I keep my distance.
• I want her to believe what I tell her.
• I want her to stay calm and collected.
• I want her to help me piece together what happened in my past and help me understand the impact it had on my life. My memories do not come in the usual fashion so everything is important.
• I need her objectivity and her help with making connections.
• I want her to be honest with me but not critical.
• I want her to give encouragement but not flattery.
• I want her to believe in me and see the best that I can be; not see only who I am today.
• I want her to warn me of danger I do not see and correct me when I am wrong.
• I want her to keep my confidence. I need to know my secrets are safe with her.
• I need for her to pay attention to the details and do what she is trained to do in order to help me.

Does this sound like I want her to re-parent me? It sounds like it, doesn't it. Yes, these points definitely reflect some of what I lacked growing up. And yet, are they not reasonable expectations of any relationship? Would not a person who grew up in a healthy home have these same desires and expectations?

Thanks to all of you who put so much time and thought in to sharing what you have learned from your journey's. This is definitely the most unpredictable roller coaster ride I have ever taken.

Deeply Rooted (this alias describes how I hope to become)