I'm baffled about my last horse therapy session. Before I went, I was struggling with feeling silly and ashamed to tell my T that I liked being one on one with her, it didn't scare me, like it does with most Ts, and most people in any helping profession. Then I had the session and whoa... I didn't ever tell my T that I liked being one on one with her, but wow, we really did explore that very thing.

It wasn't anything really actually that huge that happened - except, well, it was for me. And my T knew it. And it was all ok. just ok.

I don't know how to explain what happened or what I feel in any kind short or concise way. I keep tryig to write something shorter, but can't find the words or a way to summarize it, so I am tempted to not post anything at all. Yet, I've never had any experience like this in any kind of therapy ever. I'm going to post it anyhow... It's ok if no one gets a chance to read the mini-novel of a post this will be. Just posting it partly to put it out there, gaet it outside of myself and my journal. And if anyone does have a chance to read and has any thoughts or feedback - that would be wonderful! If not, that's ok too. It is gonna be looong... hope this ok ok to post anyhow.
~ jane

first, the funniest thing that happened: in the middle of a somewhat serious moment with my T, the horse we were working with reached down and so gracefully... ate horse manure. (ew.) I could not help but start laughing. So did my T.

ah, comic relief.

AnYhOw...

It was a rather striking session, even though what we did was so "small."

I'm generally "solidly assertive" (as my "regular" non-eq T puts it) and find it "easy" to know and communicate my boundaries, what I want and need, IF/WHEN things feel dangerous, or boundaries that are really critical, or if there is something I feel I really need to be safe in the most basic sense. But when it comes to what I just like, prefer, want, feels more comfortable or more ok with when things are not intense? well, that's much harder for me.

It's not just about communicating it, although I can find that hard to do. It's hard for me to figure out WHAT it is I like or what I want. This is true for me "even" in relationship with a horse. At my last eq t session, my T and I talked about this. She asked if I was up for exploring it more with the horses. I was totally up for it. She asked, "is there any particular way you wanted to explore that more. One on one with a horse or out with one of the herds?" I told the T I wasn't sure, but was up for anything. (how ironic.) She assured me that if I picked to chose one way, we could always switch to something else. She said "I want to encourage you to check in with the horses and notice how your body feels when you are around them and see if there is something you are drawn to or just notice any feelings or thoughts that come to mind."

Just notice what I feel? ok... so... I walked around saw the herd and then into the barn with the horses. A year ago this kind of stuff would have driven me nutty. I would have been so uncomfortable with being so present with my body and so slow. I probably would have so badly wanted the T to pick something, anything! Tell me what to do or I will pick something that intellectually seems "ok enough" and just go with it. Let's find some path and not stand in this unknown ambiguity!

But I didn't feel that way in that moment. Lately, I have found that slowing down, and even connecting with my own body, in this process has been good for me. I wonder if my T ever thinks shiesh, what's taking so long, but she's always SAYING take my time, no rush. (maybe I should listen to what she says instead of try to mind read so much? sigh.) I think it helps that I enjoy going up to the horses and just seeing what they are up to and jus touching/petting them if they are close and seem like they want attention. It seems silly, almost, but they always make me smile. My T says I have great obversations of them too.

After a few minutes, I said to the T, "what if we start out with one horse, and then maybe move to the herd?" She said that sounds good and asked which horse did I want to start with. I told her I was torn between three and pointed to them. (Then I began to think come on -jane-, just pick a horse!)

But my T said to go up to each one and see if there was any body part that felt different around each horse. It's not about feeling like the horse is doing something funky to my body or that there is a jedi force kind of thing going on. It's litterally a very deliberate process to just connect with how I feel. (I think.)

I did it, and I didn't really have any shift in my body like that, but just by thinking of how I felt, I realized I was curious about two of them, but I felt something in my heart, more than curious, when I was with one horse, Galen. So I deceided to see what would happen with her.

Galen is a "lead horse," meaning that in a herd, she is the top horse. It's not like being an alpha dog. It's not about being the biggest or most agressive. As the top of the hierarchy of her herd, she is very aware of things going on in the distance, as most lead horses are. It's their "job" to warn the herd of any incomming danger. Galen also seems to have a very steady spirit. She is very responsive to very small things, without being very reactive, and also seems to sorta meet her own needs while watching over the herd.

Galen, the T, and I went into a larger arena and T encouraged me to walk around with Ginger on the halter and think about what I want with the horse, with the time at the farm, and even about things I want in relationships elsewhere and what I want in life, what I like, what I am passionate about - and to notice how that felt inside and how it feels with the horse. I'm glad I picked Galen. She is so steady and yet so responsive, it was ok if my head wandered off for a moment about some bigger life thing... she was just right there, "following" beside me, her shoulder inline with my body as we walked.

I thought of things I am struggling with to figure out what I want and things I know for sure that I want. I thought of this sweet horse who so steadily stuck with me. I of big stuff, like school and my family. I thought of how Galen's hair is so many shades of brown and how I wanted the flies to leave her alone! I noticed that as we walked, Galen walked closer to me than before, yet still was watching things going on around us as we walked.

I talked with the T - do I want Galen to be close or far away? What do I like, what do I prefer? I didn't know. I took the halter off and I walked around to see how it felt to stand far away from her, or very close, trying to see, where do I want her to be in relationship to me physically. Galen stayed where she was, watching me, watching the T, seeing what was off in the distance, kinda doing her own thing yet always being aware what the T and I were doing,

The T and I talked about how I felt some kind of tension when I was really far away, and some kind of tension when I was up really super close. I think I'm ok with either, but I'd prefer to be somewhere in between. The T encouraged me to find the litteral physical space that felt the most uncomfortable to stand in relation to standing far away from Ginger, the place where I felt the most uncomfortable, the most tension. I found that spot. The T asked me to stay there, as long as it "feels safe to do so, even if it feels uncomfortable." She asked what it feels like in my body, any colors, or emotions, or words that come to mind. I moved in and out of that spot - close and far away, trying to tell what I was feeling. None of it was an intense feeling - and my T assured me it was exactly what we were exploring - to feel and notice things when they are not feeling intense.

Then she encouraged me to move close and find where it feels the most uncomfortable to be standing when I am close. I found that spot and my T told me to notice the same things. I told her I want to stay and almost hug Ginger and then when I realize that, and just let it sink in how close I was to this large, strong, and gentle creature, I want to move away or think of anything else but what I felt inside... When I stayed aware of what I felt, I just physically wanted to move away from Ginger. So my T said to do that. "Be close and stay with the feeling, and then when you feel like you wanna move back, do that. Even make it big. Don't be afraid to just feel whatever is going on inside and act it out."

Do that? feel that? move close and away? I was bewildered, but tried it anyhow.

It was so hard. It's a horse. One that didn't need anything from me and also didn't run away. One that lets me stand far away and close. One that didn't ever judge what I wanted. My head knew it was ok to act it out, yet it was hard to let myself be *that* authentic and real to act out what I wanted to do because of how I felt.

My T encouraged me to do it several times. At the end, she said she noticed that each time I got close, I stood there a little longer, and when I inevitably backed up, I didn't just back up, I actually got a little smaller first, and then totally turned around, back to the horse... yet I never walked very far away. We talked about it more about what it felt like to want be close and to want to not be close. I told her something feels like a light that is just too bright, too much, and something makes me also feel almost teary in a very different way. I have no idea how to make sense of it... The T said "it's ok, it doesn't need to make sense. It sounds like really good information to notice."

I asked her, "is it weird?"

"No, not at all, it makes sense and seems very real and natural to me."

Then the T encouraged me to find where it felt the most comfortable to stand. It was easy to do! I felt kinda proud that I figured out where I prefered to stand.

The T and I then talked about someone riding off in the distance (ah, distraction). As our attention went back to Galen, the T asked if I would be willing to try it with her - the T - to go through the same kind of thing and see what that feels like and where I like standing in relation with her. She assured me that it was very ok if I didn't want to, and explained that it's usually harder with humans, but she was interested in seeing how it would be, "if you are up for it." She explained that she would stand at the other side of the arena and then when I was ready, walk closer. And then if I notice anything feels different, or shifts inside, then to raise my hand and she would step back and we would talk.

For a moment, a very long moment, my head frooze. It was at that moment that Ginger reached down and started eating horse poo. Really. After a moment of smiling and laughing about it with the T, I said, "um, find the space with you? Like I did with the horse? That is uncomfortable... but at the same time, I like that I found where I like to stand with Galen, I like being able to know that. I'm up for trying this. I may start, and then bail out and say nah, not today... but I want to try and see." The T said that that was great.

How did I feel with her standing across the ring? Did I want my T to stay there? no. I wanted her to stand closer. She walked closer - directly in line towards me - and something shifted. I have no idea what I felt, but I told her I have an urge to take a step to the side. Just walk one foot to the side so she wasn't walking straight at me. She said to go ahead and do that and see what it was like for me. Then I said "ok, you can come closer again." She walked closer, in the same line as before - not right at me, but still moving closer. Then Galen, who had been standing near me walked in between us and rolled on the ground. I started giggling again... Ginger got up and walked near me. ah, I was so glad for her My T walked towards me again and at one point, something felt different again. I didn't know any of what I was feeling. Throughout it all there was a layer of self conisous awkwardness (thus the giggles) but that feeling stayed consistent. Something else was shifting. I couldn't tell what. I told her I wanted to move in small directions and felt an urge to find my feet or something... I did the same thing when I was close with the horse figuring out this with the horse. So the T said to do that! Do that? shiesh. I did. As I did, I felt hesitant to move too far back or too far close. It felt easiest to move side to side. I had no idea where I "prefered" to stand or what fel tthe most comfortable.

My T asked me to show her where I hesitated in moving close to her. I did. She said where I physically stopped moving forward towards her, was almost on the edge of her "personal comfort space in this particular moment." She said I could have moved closer or futher away, and both would have been fine, but the spot where I hesitated to move closer was about where she felt the most comfortable in that moment. It felt too close to me, but I didn't know where I liked the best, I just did feel very hesitant to move any closer than that spot. It surprised me that it was where my T's "personal comfort zone" was. We were about maybe 7-8 feet away, maybe further. Many times the T and I have stood much closer, and both of us felt ok with it. I told her it was hard to stand this "close" for me and I couldn't tell what I felt, even though we had stood closer in many other moments - like learning to halter or care for the horse or sitting on the fence talking about them. Sometimes inches away - especially when her hands were showing me what to do. I checked with the T, none of that was uncomfortable for her either. So why now was the "comfortable" spot further way? The T explained yeah, when we, as humans, look intensely at the relationship itself, it's natural for it to be more uncomfortable. But then when we have our focus on the horse, then it's easier to be closer because the focus isn't on the connection between the humans... and she assured me, all those times it was very ok to be as close as we were, just in this excerise, that's where she felt the most ok. She asked me if I had felt ok when we stood closer - and I told her yeah, I didn't know what I prefered or felt, but I never felt unsafe or like it wasn't ok...

I was also surprised I hesitated moving forward so close to the spot where the edge of my T's "comfort zone" was in this moment. (She assured me more than once, don't be afraid, it would have been ok with her if I had been closer.) My T said it didn't surprise her actually. She said she would watch me do the same thing with the horses. She said I would go close, and if the horse sent some kind of signal or backed up in the smallest way, I would stop, the horse would stop, and often come closer to me. I was very inutively respectful of the horse's boundaries. I didn't really notice this with myself... She wonders if I somehow was picking up on her boundary too. (I think... maybe I was...or maybe it's what I ate for lunch... who knows.)

The T also said that she felt like whatever connection or feelings there are when we face each other and walk towards each other directly, feels more intense to her, and less intense when I stepped to the side. In fact, when I moved just a step over, we kept eye contact amount the same.

She said she felt something really sweet inside about all of it towards me.

I just kinda felt dumbfounded and really unsure what I felt. I knew I wouldn't let myself feel very much about any of it.

As the T and I chatted while walking back to the barns with Galen, (walking inches from each other, side by side) I told the T it was really easy to let whatever I felt with the horse sink in, and easy to be close when walking with the horse, attention on the horse, but so much harder with her, with humans, especially when the attention is on that relationship. What I feel is even physically more superfical, and I am so much more unsure of what I feel, especially when I feel safe.

The T said "next time, if you are up for it, let's talk and work with what makes it easier for horses and harder with humans and see if we can get the two to be closer."

I have no idea why it's so much easier w/ the horses, or how to make it easier w/ humans... but I'm looking forward to next time. Awkward moments, horse poo, mixed up feelings and all...

This message has been edited. Last edited by: janedoe,

Hi jane, I just want to thank you for writing about your equine therapy here. It is very different, but also very interesting... the parallels and insights you share from these horse interactions are simple yet profound.

I hope you don't mind, but at my last session I brought up your equine therapy stories with my T. I read her a few lines from your posts. I wanted to know if she had any experience with equine therapy, because I know she is a horse lover. Unfortunately, she neither does it nor knows anyone else in my area who does, but we did have a meaningful conversation about things you can learn from horses (she has 7 horses and trains them herself). She talked about her gentle approach to earning the trust of her horses, as opposed to the harsher method some trainers use to "break" a horse. I would love to observe her in action with a horse and find myself a bit envious of you! But maybe I can glean something vicariously from your posts. You have a way of relating through words which creates a good visual image in my mind, as well as an emotional impact. So thank you for sharing.

janedoe
Wow...you have just had me totally riveted by that post. I really felt I was almost there watching your T and Ginger work so closely and gently with you. Thank you for letting us in to share on this amazing but sensitive work, please keep us updated, I had NO idea about this work until recently and wish it was available to many more.

Thank you,

starfish

JD it’s amazing to read your post - I love the way you are able to describe it. Just wanted to say thank you for sharing that (I’m ALWAYS interested in how other people’s sessions go). I expect a lot of others have found it interesting too, so don’t want you to feel bad about posting it (that is, assuming you might )

LL

Your quote: "She said she felt something really sweet inside about all of it towards me."

that makes me melt, how incredible. what nice words to hear.

drink that in, janedoe, THAT sounds SO healing to me.

happy for you, and love hearing about this type of therapy, wish i could do it. jill

Thanks everyone!!! This process with the horses is so different for me, and unlike anything I've done before, so it helps to post it and I'm so glad for your kind responses!!! Thanks for reading all my rambling words

MH - oh, it is so simple and so profound. In the midst of my endless battle with shame, I think sometimes I feel almost silly about how simple it is and yet how much I let it affect me... but that's only about 5% of the time. The rest of the time, I just try to let it in, experience it.

quote:

Originally posted by Mad Hatter: I hope you don't mind, but at my last session I brought up your...stories with my T. I read her a few lines from your posts.

I don't mind at all, I'm so glad it helped lead to a good conversation with your T!

That's really neat that your T works with horses, and uses that way of working with them! At this farm too, it is all about earning the trust of the h, rather than breaking them down.

As I've come to know the T a bit, there are ways that she is with the h that she very naturally is with me too that really help me trust her (a little - I am so slow at trust.) being gentle and clear and aware and sensitive...

Starfish - I am constantly surprised by doing this! I will indeed probably post again Thanks for your encouragement. I do wish this was more availible to people...

LL - thanks for the reassurance!!! (I did feel a little "self concious" in a way)

Jill - yeah, when the T said she "felt something really sweet inside about it all towards me" - that's when I wanted to run away!!! but I didn't I'm just letting it sink in. Slowly... My super analytical brain wants to figure out how she could feel that or why exactly but, I almost don't want to know, and I don't need to know. I just like that it is how she felt towards me. Countertransferance in a good way? I wonder if I seemed scared and yet wanting to connect. I wonder what I felt inside. I wonder how it will be to be there again with her. hmmm. I'm not scared! Thanks for your encouragement jill. It warms my heart.

(edited to take out one insigificant personal detail)

This message has been edited. Last edited by: janedoe,

Hi JaneDoe,

Thank you for writing all of this down and posting it here! It is a pleasure to read. It is also incredibly inspiring to see how this is helping you to get to know yourself better, and how it is bringing you and your T closer together too. There is so much enthusiasm and heart in your posts these days, and I love it! All you needed was the right therapists (human AND equine ) and the room to stretch out and grow. Now you have that and there is no stopping you!

I thought of you in particular today, because it was the last day of our vacation and we spent part of it horseback riding. My horse's name was Memphis. The trail ride was only an hour, certainly not long enough to get to know the horses as well as you know the ones you work with, but long enough to see that each one most certainly has their own personality. (and on an unrelated note...it was also long enough to realize I need to add more inner thigh work to my aerobics workout. Talk about pain...I could barely walk afterward. )

So I just wanted to say thank you for writing these posts. I understand the therapeutic benefits and the healing that comes from writing things out for myself, even if no one else reads them, but I just wanted you to know, I'm reading and enjoying every word! And cheering you on every step of the way. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Many hugs,
SG

Thanks for sharing this JD. I have never really heard about this. It sounds like a peaceful way to work on things.