Mad Hatter,

I can relate exactly to what you are saying. I know I am way too conscientious of my T's needs. I too always watched the clock and the minute time was up I would acknowledge it and get up. My T kept telling me that she was in charge of the time. I just didn't want to take advantage of her. She finally decided to turn the clock around when I came in. Also, I am so worried that she is going to "kick me out" because she thinks I don't need her anymore. I think she will get tired of listening to me ramble on about my problems. She always reassures me that she will never abandon me and I can stay as long as I need too. For some reason, I still continue to panic about this. I think I am so bent on being nice to her and being a good patient. I guess this is what I do to everybody in my life. I hate conflict and just always want to keep the peace. My T tells me we'll know we're making progress when I can express any kind of anger towards her or even disagree with her! I can't imagine me doing that but guess that's one of the reasons I'm in therapy.....

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My T tells me we'll know we're making progress when I can express any kind of anger towards her or even disagree with her! I can't imagine me doing that but guess that's one of the reasons I'm in therapy.....

Curious, I just did this (not to my T's face but in a letter I sent her where I expressed my anger), and I have been vascillating back and forth between anger and panic/regret ever since. Maybe I made a huge mistake and she really didn't deserve it. Maybe I hurt her and our relationship. Maybe I have made myself look like such an immature fool. I have been considering an apology to recant it all when I see her next. But I can also see myself going back to being secretly angry after my apology. I have such a hard time being assertive. Until your post I hadn't thought much about the possibility my T would think my angry letter was a sign of progress. Is it possible she could actually take it as a compliment and not be offended?

MH, when do you see your T again, so you can find out what her reaction was? I would be on pins and needles too. Regardless of her reaction though I think you were right to be honest because, like you said, you'd only be secretly angry later if you weren't, or if you "took it back".

The "watching the clock" issue is a sore one for me. My ex-T was weird about that. I've told the story below, but before I say anything else, let me just say that my new T doesn't expect me to watch the clock. In fact, she turns it away from me now so I don't get distracted by it. And that is as it should be. It is her job to watch the clock and make sure we end on time. And she does.

When I started therapy with my ex-T, I had no idea of therapeutic boundaries at all. But I understood that the sessions were only an hour long and I respected that. I used to arrive at the clinic early in case I needed to use the restroom (it was a 30-minute drive from my home) and because I didn't mind sitting in the waiting room looking at magazines (it's about the only chance I ever get to do that). Also, I'm the kind of person who likes a certain amount of "buffer" time or transition time between changing activities. I don't know why, but when I arrive somewhere "just in time" to do the next thing, I feel rushed.

Anyway, the first couple of sessions, my ex-T came out about 10 minutes early to get me, but I didn't think much of it. I thought he must not have had anyone before me and got bored sitting in his office. The second session, we also ended up going a few minutes over because right at the top of the hour, we happened to be at a difficult part of the story I was telling (dealing with rape) and I wanted to finish the thought (we were reading through a narrative I had written). He mentioned that we were over, but we still needed to calm things down by talking about something else...and he appeared irritated and anxious that we'd gone over.

Next session, he came out early to get me again, still appearing anxious and uptight, and said this: "Now I know we're starting early, but we're going to end early, too. We can't go over. It's about boundaries but we really don't need to get into that." I felt mortified, like I had just been severely scolded, and like he really did think I was just a pain-in-the-butt patient, as if a few extra minutes was torture to him. He proceeded to jump right into the story with no warm up, no joking around this time, very business-like. Which was very painful because we were still in the middle of discussing sexual issues. I just wanted to run out of the room, or crawl under the couch. But we plowed right on through and at the end of the session, I felt like raw hamburger.

He made a big deal out of making sure we ended 10 minutes early, then asked me if I'd learned anything new on the guitar. I couldn't think of anything to say because I was so numb and in shock by that point, I could barely speak. So he talked about guitar for 10 minutes and then I left. Cried all the way home, had to take the night off of work, and almost bolted. I also felt angry that he thought I was trying to take advantage of his time, which wasn't the case at all.

Before the next session, a book I had ordered finally arrived: In Session by Deborah Lott. And it was there that I learned about the importance of therapeutic boundaries, such as not extending sessions. So I thought, so that's what he's worried about. So I decided not to take it personally even though he wasn't very graceful about it.

After that, I was very careful to arrive at the clinic "just in time" for my appointments. If I was early, I sat in my car for a few minutes, or if I had to go to the bathroom first, I asked the receptionist to not page him right away so he wouldn't feel pressured. And in session I watched the clock constantly. I even insisted on ending on time a few times when he wanted me to go on a little more about a particular subject.

At the beginning of one of the later sessions, he said he noticed I wasn't coming 20 minutes early any more. Then he said, "Because you know I'm not going to give you any extra time, right?" That stung so I didn't say anything. Then he said, "I didn't mean that...I didn't mean that." But it really pissed me off later when I thought about it again.

In a later session, I tried to bring all of this up. I said I wasn't trying to angle for more time by coming early, and that it hurt when he said that. But in another conversation, I had told him that sometimes I wished I could spend more time with him (doing therapy) because I never seem to get out even half of what I want to say. He reminded me of that, and I said yes, that's true. So he said, Well, let's be honest, then. Which pissed me off again because he was missing the point entirely. He was putting these two things together and assuming I was being manipulative, but I wasn't.

Sorry this got long but it is a good example of the kind of misattunement that I really truly do not miss at all. It sounds like what I ran into is not the usual attitude of T's and that's a good thing.

Thanks for listening,
SG

SG, I feel so bad for your experiences! I would be so devastated if my T said those kinds of things to me. I probably would have bolted. You say this was your ex-T. Have you ever had these same issues with your current T?

I have thought several times about purchasing the In Session book. The first time I saw it, it was available on Amazon for about $10 and I didn't buy it. Since then the price has never been near that low. In your opinion is the book worth it?

MH,

No, my current T is just the opposite. She watches the clock and actually turns it away from me now so I can't monitor it. I got so used to doing that with my former T and it's a hard habit to break.

When I told her this story I just posted, her reaction was "That's HIS job!" That, and the experiences shared here, helped me to realize that it wasn't just me, his reaction really was not okay and that I shouldn't have had to "take care" of that boundary. I'm very grateful to have a T now who keeps the boundaries so I can relax (so to speak) and spend my energy on the therapy.

What I experienced with him really was unusual so I'm sorry if it got you down. I'm glad to know other T's don't react like this. It really does point toward some kind of counter-transference issue on his part. And that means I can stop worrying about whether I did something wrong.

What is frustrating for me is that I seem to keep needing repeated reassurances even in the face of the obvious facts. Which means sometimes I post details of my former therapy to "check it out" with others on this board. And those details are invariably negative and I hate to get other people down with it. And I also don't want to get stuck dwelling on it. I am hoping that time with the new T will eventually cause this to "sink in" and I can get on with my life. Which is why I went to therapy in the first place!

Yes, I think it was worth it to read In Session. It is written with the patient's perspective in mind. It helped me to realize that developing feelings for the therapist is very normal and not something to be ashamed of or ignored. And IMHO, it should be required reading for ALL therapists in training.

SG

Hi SG,

Thank you for posting that story about your ex-T! It sounds to me like he was really careless about checking out his assumptions about you, your feelings and your motives - that would have felt awful. If it were me I would then have felt like I had to triple check myself all the time, so that I couldn't be misinterpreted in this way.

It does help to read this stuff, to be alert to the fallibility of therapists (in bad circumstances, downright incompetence...). Yes, trust in them is important, but trust in ourselves is also important. Reading stories like this reminds me that it's okay to pay due attention to any qualms or bad feelings I have - not as an excuse to bolt or stop engaging, but ideally to check them out properly and bring them to the work.

J

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Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
I know, I know, its their job to worry about us, but I'm having a difficult time right now not worrying about my therapist (who definitely wouldn't want me to be worrying about him).

Just revisiting the original topic because this sentence says exactly what I have been struggling with the past few days. In fact, I have been considering dropping out of therapy unless I can find a way to work through it.

My T disclosed to me something that I had suspected and had asked her in a round-about way -- that she was once a victim of SA. She did not burden me with any details at all, and I did not pry. Since I don't know her story, I can only imagine it. But it is really bothering me because I feel guilt that discussing my issues is causing her pain. I hurt for her. I want to protect her. I don't want to feel responsible for any more suffering. If I told her this, she would probably tell me that she has dealt with her issues and not to worry. She would probably be upset with herself for her one-sentence disclosure and decide it was not helpful to me after all. But I wanted to know it. I don't want her to withdraw all her realness from me and be a completely blank screen. I don't want to tell her this is a mental stumbling block, yet neither can I pretend I have no more need to discuss my own painful issues. I wish I could just cure myself by myself of all my stuff!

MH, I think you should keep trying.
I think what you just posted above is very important, they way you feel about your T's disclosure and sharing your issues.

Hi MH,
My first T was a woman and in the course of our work together (which stretched over a span of 20+ years on and off) she revealed to me that she had also suffered CSA. She definitely shared it to help me not feel so alone and to not be ashamed of myself for what was done to me.

I understand you being worried but there's something very important that would be extremely hard to get on a "gut" level from where you are now. Once someone has worked through their issues and feelings about CSA, it's not as difficult to hear about it from others. I mean, its still hard to watch someone else be in pain and you feel compassion for them, but it doesn't tend to trigger you or bring up feelings. And when it does, they're not the immediate "I'm experiencing it now" kind of stuff, but memories like other memories that we have. We can remember feeling something but aren't really feeling it in the here and now. And for someone who has healed from CSA, there is a tremendous satisfaction if being able to help someone else heal. It brings good out of the evil that was done to you.

Most Ts are doing what they're doing because they want to help other people heal. Especially if they themselves have done significant healing (I know that's a lot of my motivation for possibly going back to school and becoming a therapist (lots of difficult logistics to work out)). And a good T makes sure that they have somewhere to go and handle any feelings that come up. So if she is getting triggered, it is because she chooses to risk it and knows how to get help with it. But it would be perfectly ok to discuss this with her.

For people who suffered CSA, they often experienced themselves as caretakers of their parents because the relationship with their parents was about the parents needs instead of about theirs the way it should be. Because we learned to ignore and repress our own needs, we often repeat this pattern in therapy and try to take care of our Ts. That is one of the reasons that they are so careful about boundaries, so that we don't enter into a re-enactment of the same deprivation we experienced as children. This is another reason it would probably be a really good thing to discuss this with your T; to be able to explore if that dynamic is happening in your relationship with her.

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I wish I could just cure myself by myself of all my stuff!

Of course you feel that way! The last time you trusted someone to help you, it turned out really badly. The real bind of healing from CSA is that the very thing we need to heal, connection and intimacy with a caring other, is the very thing that terrifies us because we were so injured when we got close before. The only safety we knew was in being alone. So be patient with those feelings in yourself because there's a good reason you feel that way. But try not to let the fear stop you from opening up. This time you can trust the person on the other end no matter how much it feels like you can't.

AG