Hi AG,

I think that depends on the individual therapist and your particular relationship with him. I see flowers on my T’s desk from time to time and much of the clutter in her office is from well meaning gifts from appreciative clients. The only gift I have ever given my T is a copy of a book that I finished writing for my daughter that she expressed interest in reading, and manuscripts from my current book that she has encouraged me to publish. But my heart certainly wells up with deep appreciation from time to time and being the type of person who loves to give gifts, I sometimes think it would be nice.

You may consider if you see other items in his office that hint as to whether or not he accepts gifts from clients and go from there. Your gift sounds appropriate enough and would certainly seem to fit the theme in a therapist’s office.

I like that, “Breathe.” (Deep inhale)
Thanks I needed that. I forgot to do that today. Of course it could be the blonde in me that has to be reminded to breathe (te he). I can say that since I am truly blonde and not just a wanna be.

quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
Hey, either it goes over well, or we'll have something to discuss that session! Besides, it will take me a while to finish it, so I can think about it while I do it.

You’re right on there AG! We always have the “we can always discuss it” option open. I doubt that he would, I hate to use this word, reject your gift. If he could not accept it, it would be for good reason. But I don’t think that would happen.

I’ve written all sorts of stuff over the years, including a fictional novel loosely based on my real life friendships that I never finished. (But I would love to).

The book I wrote for my daughter is Titled- "From My Heart- a mother’s guidebook for her adult daughter." It was a project that helped me to work through the emotions and feelings of abandonment by my daughter growing up and moving out before I was ready. I compiled all the thoughts, fears, and missed advice that came to me during my many sleepless nights of worrying, “Did I prepare her well enough for a life on her own?” It of course was a serious book intertwined with my irrevocable humor while revealing my rawest emotions that led me to recognize the hyper vigilance that I had been trying to right every wrong with my childhood through hers. Which paved the way for my most recent book which is sort of a “self help memoir” or should I say a “so help me memoir” about my therapeutic experience in treating my PTSD and multiple childhood traumas through EMDR, and the subsequent attachment that developed with my T. (Something no one here would understand I am sure. )

The nicest thing though is my T has encouraged me to publish because she has never read this sort of account from a client’s point of view. She says the way I capture the essence of the attachment process and my awareness of my little girl self is something that would be beneficial for other clients and therapists to read. In fact, she has asked my permission to read excerpts to colleagues and to other clients when they get stuck. She even began reading it to me one day when I was stuck. I smiled and said to her “Where’d you get that? That’s brilliant.”

Honestly, since I've found this website, I see a lot of well articulated accounts just as deserving of those remarks.

Funny coincidence. Earlier this year I came across a quote that I knew instantly my T would love. Being a crafter and gift giver I cross stitched the quote with a border of flowers and leaves around it. It was one of those perfect gifts that you come up with for someone that you know will mean something to them (I love it when that happens!) Anyway, when I was almost done I started getting worried that she wouldn't accept it. There is really no evidence of her having received other gifts and she is very good about the boundaries so I really didn't know if this was a good idea. Could I handle the rejection of such a perfect gift? So instead of surprising her with it, I asked her about the gift thing and if she would accept a gift from me. I didn't tell her what it was just that is was very inexpensive so she didn't have to worry about the whole money thing. She of course wanted me to explain why I wanted to give this to her and we discussed some of the meaning behind it. So, although in general she doesn't accept gifts, she thought that this would be OK because my motivation behind it wasn't inappropriate to our relationship. A couple of weeks later, after I finished it, I gave it to her and I even unknowingly used her favorite colors in the design. It was a treat for me to be able to do that for her. I think I appreciated her accepting it more than she appreciated receiving it. Anyway, it is still in her office. I of course, think that is the perfect place for it.

So I would suggest asking about his gift receiving policy first so that you'll know before you get too attached to the idea of making something special for him.

Well, maybe you don't have to ask him right away. When I started my cross stitch it was like 2-3 months before I talked to her about it. While I was working on it and not sure if I would even have the guts to give it to her or if she'd take it I decided to have the attitude of "this work of art is dedicated to T" so even if I never mentioned it and kept it for myself I was still able to pour out all of the love and gratitude it was meant to express into it. Kind of like when someone dedicates a book to someone. I really needed a physical way to get all of those feelings out especially since I was barely able to acknowledge them in her presence. (I still didn't know what transference was then, I was afraid I was getting obsessed or something.) Anyway, I am glad I took the plunge and asked her and of course I am glad she accepted it but just the act of creating something that had a lot of meaning to me was very (dare I say it?) therapeutic.

So make it and give yourself the freedom to give or not give. Enjoy the creative process for a while without the pressure of his possible response. Plus you can always save it and give it to him on your last day of therapy (I know, in like a 100 years from now) but I bet he wouldn't refuse it then.

I've given a few gifts... one was a silly button that says 'that was easy' when you press it. My T always says 'tell me more' and we figured she needed a button to say that but all we could find was an 'easy' button.

I also made a mini book which is in her waiting room.

The idea, I think, behind NOT accepting gifts is that it's not reciprocal (that is, your T can't give gifts back really) and it's a boundary issue (payment via gifts).

Anyhow, i'm way tired here so hope I'm making sense!

Robin

I have given gifts to various therapists just to say thanks for their help. I have given gift certificates to restaurants for a holiday gift, Starbucks gift cards, movie tickets, and CDs. The therapists have always been appreciative and I don't think they mind the gifts at all.I work in dentistry and my patients give me gifts too and it doesn't bother me. I appreciate their thoughtfullness.Occasionally the gift was given because the shrink had to endure so much verbal crap from my son that I just felt a need to say I'm sorry and thanks for all your help, in spite of the way my son treated you. He has ODD and can be quite a difficult patient.

I have also received a gift from my son's psychiatrist.He once gave me a cute ceramic piece at Halloween time. It was kind of spontaneous.The piece was holding Halloween candy and he had run out of candy so he just handed me the little ceramic candy dish and told me to take it.I tried to decline it but he insisted that I have it.I thought that was so sweet and I treasure my cheap little candy dish to this day. Did he go beyond the boundaries by giving me this little token? I don't know but it made me feel good.

Interesting topic....

My T's boundaries are VERY tight...so I'm quite certain that she does not accept many gifts. However...when I first started seeing her. I was very grateful that anyone would see me. I was in a bit of a bind, abandoned in a hospital by my previous T. I could not get out of the hospital without a T...and could not get one while I was in the hospital. Now THAT is a frustrating circumstance. I was in for 3 months...and it sucked. My insurance ran out and they came to me and asked me if I knew I was using my lifetime medicare days? Well...no...I didn't know that...how could I? I then demanded release, which I know what hard on my psychiatrist. But he let me go...as long as I agreed to come back to the hospital to sleep at night. At least it freed up my days to interview T's.

So...back to topic...after I had been seeing my T for some time. I felt inclined to give her a card to thank her is some way. I also gave her a bugs bunny blanket that said "What's up doc?" The blanket was actually for me to use...so not so much a gift as a necessity.
I thought the blanket was funny...I don't think she did. She glares at me when I enter the office and say: "What's up doc?" But I just laugh at her and tell her not to be so uptight. She has the degree...why not appreciate it. Maybe she views my remark as condescending. LOL weirdo.
But...she loved the card and the little shell that accompanied it. Ever since...she has had that card taped to her wall at eye level in front of her desk...and the shell resides on her bookcase. It's been there for at least 15 years. So there is some meaning for her in those small gifts. I have no idea what I wrote in the card...maybe I should ask to see it?
Anyway...that is the extent of my gift giving to her. OH...I did give her a little night lite when her daughter was born...but she did ask me why I felt compelled to do that...so I got the idea that it was not really appropriate and crossed her boundary.
I don't see that she really has many gift type items in her office so believe that it is her general policy to refuse them.

She did give me one once, when I entered a long term chemo treatment for HCV. It's a little stuffy of a fish. She called it my Hep Sea buddy. I suppose she felt I might need a transitional object since I would be missing some of my sessions. I still have it...and it now has friends...I added a few.

I have given her a few of my drawings that she seemed to resonate with. I'm sure they are in my file box. (I'm sure my file must fill an entire box by now.) LOL... And I have given her alot of my written work but don't think that really counts as a gift. (It's not very pleasant.)

So in summary...I would say an occasional gift is usually pretty well received. I would just say don't do it very often. That is when it becomes a problem.

SD

I usually give gifts to therapists and teachers, I always have. Its usually on there birthday or christmas. I have only had one therapist who declined to recieve a gift it was just a card and chocolates, Then she tried to give me a christmas card and some candy, so i said "Oh, Im not sure if i can accept this I took the card and left the candy. She was just a weirdo though.


My current therapist is very nice about accepting gifts, she has a few things that i have brought for her sitting on her desk.

She also keeps cards and letters that I have wrote to her.

I never buy anything expensive because i know then that she will not accept it. She always smiles, I only ever buy a gift at christmas but i will write cards at anytime.