TN, thanks for your thoughtful reply. i did tell t3 that i felt safer with men, and that i am having issues fearing her turning on me, being female, that i didn't feel with him. i must just have to gross her out that she should dump me, i shoot myself in the foot. but i will say, therapy with a male and female, for ME, is vastly different. and sadly, i know some of that male t stuff is being more pleasing, as i guess, i can read their 'liking' me and trust it more clearly than i can trust a woman.

ooohhh, a messed and tangled web i see.

TN, thanks for your insight. and compassion!! women DO have a corner on the compassion, i have found.

xxoo jill

wow, PG, go girl. glad you won your case!!

y'no, i don't know that he is sue-able, although my current t sure thinks he did as much damage as good, by the retraumatization of again, a flipping caretaker person in my life being 'flat' to my needs. she said he was a combination of arrogance and ignorance, after their 'exchange' of info.

i have too much anger to my parents to gather up more for him, so i am moving on. what made his deal worse, was that he had a masters in divinity, so i assumed he was compassionate and 'right', kindof like a kid assumes her parents know 'best'...NOT TRUE EITHER WAY!

good for speaking up for yourself, i have thought of writing a letter, but haven't done anything yet. thx, jill

Jill,
I can almost feel your anguish. I can't believe he actually made a physical ref sign when you suggested meeting the kids. We are all proud of our kids. That's basic. I too would have felt such angst towards him for that. I really hope your new T works out for you.
KOI

I have had both a woman and a man therapist. I had the woman years ago, and I am currently in therapy with a man. I have been trying to think about the differences. I feel like I have been so fortunate because both of these people have been so helpful to me in so many ways. My background is abuse (several types, parental-mother, and others)

I definitely had a maternal transference with the woman years ago, but because of the depression fog I was in many times I did not feel those feelings so extremely. TG. She was personable, warm, great sense of humor, patient, safe, and she cared about me a great deal, as I also cared about her. I saw her for 8 years weekly. We became so very close. I believe she saved my life. I had been extremely suicidal at that time. I do remember that it took a really long time to trust her and even to go into her office, but what really did the trick was that I started to feel close to one of the dogs she had and one day when he went into her office and sat by her, I decided if he could do it, it must be safe.

I currently have a male therapist and have been seeing him for about 15 months now. I think one difference I have noticed is how safe he helps me to feel and how protective he seems to be, which I really like, and helps me to feel so safe in therapy. But he is also so warm, caring, transparent, and has shared information about his own struggles which really made all the difference for me in helping me to trust him, at least to start to trust him after about a year into therapy. Hee also has a great sense of humor and he teases me gently, which I just love. That might be a difference between a male and female therapist. He is not cold or distant at all, and in fact his caring seems to seep across the room to me, and I believe that is what reached my walls and started to melt them. I really had no chance. One time I asked if he gave hugs and he said no, then said it depends on where you are in therapy. Several months ago after a difficult session he asked if he could hug me, and I said yes. Since then we hug after each session. These are safe hugs, and this is a safe relationship. I will admit that I have a paternal transference to him that is so intense that at times I can hardly stand how I feel. So there are times in therapy when I feel completely ridiculous because here I am approaching my late 50's, feeling like a 2 year old in therapy, wanting to merge with this therapist, kind of like an emotional merging, and the little girl inside wishes I could just lay my head on his shoulder. The adult will not let that happen, and she hates the little girl right now, so she nows she has some work to do in therapy! The feelings this time are much more intense, probably because of a few things. First, I am not depressed right now but recovering from some ptsd stuff, secondly I never really knew my dad because he became ill and was hospitaized when I was 2, and I am learning not to numb out but to try to face my feelings (I am not there yet, just trying!) Plus my mother was one of the people who abused me. The ptsd just started several months ago when having abuse flashbacks and emotional flooding related to unprocessed and new abuse awareness. I suspect one of the reasons this happened is because I started to trust my therapist and my little girl inside felt it was safe to finally share this new information which was not processed in my earlier therapy because I really was not aware of it.

I loved/love both my female and now my male therapist because of the relationship they developed with me which was what I have needed at the time. Both of them were/are warm and caring. I often see tears in the eyes of my male therapist, and we have had many close moments. This was also the case for my female therpist years ago. Truthfully what I think made the difference along with the relationship of trust and safety, is that I truly knew and know that both of these therapists love/loved me, which I realize is a taboo word in psychotherapy these days, and probably sounds hokey. I am not talking about eros here, but the kind of love that wishes for the good of another, agape love. But for me this is what has made all the difference. Of this I am sure. My male therapist started out as a client many years ago recovering from addiction and he went through a 12 step program as well. Perhaps this background has contributed to his warmth, caring, transparency, and vulnerability. Do I love him? Yes. Sometimes that love shows up in different ways which can feel uncomfortable, or as the most wonderful, protective feeling imaginable. So I guess my conclusion is that for me the gender of the therapist really is not so important as the personal characteristics the therapists have, and their ability to understand, listen, care, be transparent, be vulnerable, and truly be present for their clients. I believe the relationship is the key to healing, because for me that has been and is now the case. FYI, I first requested a female therapist this time, but one was not available unless I drove a distance, so I set up an apt. with the male therpist, and am so very glad I did that!

Hello Jackson and welcome to the forum! I’m glad you brought this thread up as the whole issue of male v female Ts has been dogging me again.

Thank you for sharing your story - I’m sorry you have suffered abuse in the past and I’m glad you’ve had relationships with Ts that have been supportive and caring - facets of therapy that seem to be in short supply right now! (I’m referring to the many sad stories of rupture and termination that have been unfolding this month.)

Your progress reminds me of that of another member on here who started with a female T and did good work, then went onto a male T who continued the work related to abuse - it seemed like a good and natural progression to work through all issues in relation to both genders.

But I also think you’re right with your last comments, that it’s not necessarily the gender of the T but the quality of the T and the relationship itself that counts the most.

Since starting to look again (for the umpteenth time) for a new T these last few weeks I started out preferring to work with a female T but the approaches and experience I am looking for seemed to belong more to male Ts. In the end I gave up looking just for females and started including men in the search - ironically it’s male Ts whom I ended up seeing and it’s a man I’m going to start therapy again with.

Which has raised all sorts of fears and issues with me!

Ha ha you ended up with a male T so as not to have to drive for miles, I’m the complete opposite, I have to make a HUGE drive to see the T I’ve decided on and hate it, wish I could have found one much closer to home. I only hope the effort is going to be worth it!

Look forward to hearing more of your story Jackson. (By the way, nearly snap for our ages )

LL