Could MyShrink add a separate forum for Adults of Alcoholics?

I have looked for one outside of here, but can't find one that is very active.

I know that a lot of members have similar issues with their parents' drinking and perhaps a forum just for that would help us.

Thanks.

Spagirl,
I think that's a good idea. Let me talk to Shrinklady and if she's ok about it, I'll set it up. I was thinking an open forum which would provide an indentified place to discuss the issues. But were you thinking a closed forum like the Intimate Discussions or Sensitive Issues?

AG

I think a forum like this would be great, too. I personally think it should be an open forum, as more people could benefit that way.

I know when I first realized that my parents were addicts, it was really, really hard for me to seek out any face-to-face help, and like Jane said, the forums I found were so not helpful.

Open or Closed? I don't know. Hadn't thought about it. But I guess open would be my first choice. I don't know the difference. But there is nothing worse than searching the internet for a place to put your feelings and get the "you have to be a member first" message.

I was leaning towards open myself, but wanted to double-check. I'm waiting to hear back from Shrinklady. If she's ok with it, I'll set it up.

AG

Great.

I was also thinking that if there could be someone (professional) who could jump in with "yes, these behaviors speak to alcoholism" - like a Dr. Drew would, then we wouldn't be supporting ourselves.

Spagirl
Were you thinking of any particular professional? I know that Shrinklady is often too busy to spend time monitoring the forum. This is in essence a peer support group. If you're looking for professional input on the subject, I'm not sure this is the appropriate place to find it.

AG

So how will we know if a behavior is typical of alcoholism or could be a sign of something more?

Spagirl...really glad you suggested the ACOA forum. I am an adult child of an alcoholic, as well as a recovering alcoholic myself (since I was 21 yrs old...kinda ironic ) so I am really looking forward to participating in the forum.

And thank you, AG and Shrinklady, for responding so quickly in setting up the forum. Especially AG, for taking the time, when you are incredibly busy right now. Very generous of you, and much appreciated.

But the request for professional help has me a little concerned. Spagirl, it sounds like you are asking for two different things here. Programs like ACOA offer a certain kind of help, but diagnosing the other's behavior is not part of that, as far as I know. Let me explain.

The point of ACOA (and Al-Anon) is to look at ourselves and what WE can do differently, to live OUR lives as healthy as possible, irrespective of what the alcoholic is doing. Focusing on what the alcoholic is doing and trying to change THEM, is pointedly and specifically discouraged.

When we live with alcoholics in our lives, especially when we are really young, we have to change our behaviors in order to cope with theirs. Because their behaviors are unhealthy, the behaviors we develop in order to cope are unhealthy as well...but it "works", as long as both are willing to stay in that "dance". But at some point, hopefully, one "partner" decides they want to dance a healthier "dance" (sounds like you). Which can be really hard to do even when both decide to change...but even harder, if the other "partner" (your mom) has no interest in changing their "dance". What can happen is they might try to get you to go back to dancing the old way, because it feels more comfortable for them. So you will need a whole lot of support in changing your own steps.

So my point is that figuring out and changing your mom is not the point of these programs. The point is to look at how you are reacting to her, and how you can regain control of your own life and live it more freely, more like how you would like to, irrespective of what your mom is doing. If that is what you are looking for, then ACOA (or Al-Anon) can be really helpful to you, in giving you the support to make your own "dance" healthier. And from reading your posts, it sounds like you'd really like to do that.

But if you are looking to diagnose your mom more specifically, if maybe you are concerned that her problems are more medical than behavioral, then the person to talk to is her doctor. There is no way anyone in ACOA or Al-Anon can really help with that. As I said, their focus is completely different.

I hope this helps. I've followed along with your posts and really feel for all the pain your mother's behavior is causing for you, as my own mother has struggled with various kinds of addictions, and I've had to work really hard to break free from old patterns, set new boundaries, learn what's mine and what's hers. The battle isn't over but it's a lot better than it was. And since I've changed, my mom has learned some new and healthier behaviors, too, which is never guaranteed, but good when it happens that way. I really hope you can use the support of these programs like ACOA to work toward your own freedom, even if your mother never decides to change.

Good luck!

SG

What about if it was a forum for all chemical dependencies and from every angle?

call it alcohol and chemical dependencies or just addictions

It the write up about the group it is people dealing with it from all angles, where it is a child, a partner, a person with an addiction. It for topics that arise out of substance use to cope by someone. Even if it is that someone needs to talk about a one time bender to escape an issue.

CNC

The suggestion is for some sort of adviser: a moderator. What I have found in these forums is supportive, with the Big Hugs and the "Everything will be okay" type of support, but what if we need a little more?

It's nice to have the hugs and all - and that should obviously continue. And yes, unfortunately, it becomes all about us changing ourselves (which is REALLY tiring, I might add). And, those who know a little about me and why I write here will know that my "problems" come from my Mom and HER cyclical craziness which I have observed intensifies with alcohol use.

I think gathering all of us in one forum will show how we deal with similar issues. But what if we could have someone who has come out of this and could interject what worked for them (or multiple people).

Spagirl- I also suggest you find a therapist if you are looking for committed professional support. Shrinklady does not provide us with free online therapy- nor should she be expected to. This is, as DF said- a peer support group, that Shrinklady already very generously (and I'm sure, at expense) provides for us- and the people here offer whatever they want to or feel able to without any obligations whatsoever. A moderator is just someone who makes sure that people follow the basic rules of respect on a forum, and is not an advisor or therapist for individual issues. I also found your comment about "the big hugs and everything" to be really disrespectful and ungrateful for the support I have seen you receive in this place.

BB

SG,

I agree with BB and DF here. I think what you are looking for is something that you are only going to find with professional support and that is not something you are going to find for free on a peer support forum.

I've followed your posts and I understand how crazymaking your mother's behavior is. It sounds like you are exhausted having to deal with her behavior all of the time and even a professional isn't going to be able to take that away. I'm wondering if professional support might help you to distance from the relationship and set some clearer boundaries to protect yourself so you aren't so exhausted all of the time. There are many of us who have had to end relationships (even with parents) in order to protect ourselves both physically and mentally. It might be worth exploring with a professional. I'm sure that you could also get great peer support here from those dealing with similar issues, but I'm not sure that is what you are seeking at this time.

This post has been removed by me as not in keeping with the spirit of the forum. My apologies.

AG

I think people were just trying to point out to Spagirl that her continuing demands and comments were pretty inappropriate to this forum, and her dismissive comments hurtful. It is hard not to bring any emotion into that. When people make comments that are hurtful and that dismiss others, while making demands for special treatment- we have a right to point out that error to them and to say what we feel about their behavior without feeling guilty about that. It doesn't make SG a bad person to have had it pointed out to her rather forcefully, in this case, that she may need to seek therapy if that is what she is looking for from this place.
Spagirl you are welcome here and always have been, but there are parameters and boundaries to this place and what it is able to offer- just as there are in life, and that is a learning curve we are all on, to one extent or another. That is all that AG or any of us was trying to point out. this is a good place to hang out and practice these types of interactions, and what boundaries look like- and that may well be a valuable way for you to use this place. We all have problems that we are trying to get past.