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I had one of those sessions yesterday that was just profoundly uncomfortable and I felt like my T had to drag stuff out of me. I had to go someplace I really didn't want to go and it felt like I fought it every step of the way. The weird thing is that I realize we did really good work yesterday, I had a major realization and connected some major dots especially as it related to my self-esteem and how I perceive my attractiveness (mainly physical but in all senses of the word). I found a long buried belief that I wasn't supposed to talk about it, or even entertain the thought that I could be attractive and then made the connection that I had been told by my father (more than likely numberous times) how unattractive I was so that I would believe he was the only place I had to go. It kept me close so I was handy to abuse. I am struggling with a lot of feelings in response to the realization, mainly rage and grief.

The worst part though is that although I keep going over in my head what happened in the appt and I realize that my T was right there and available and all the stuff he should be, I just didn't feel connected. When I left it felt like I hadn't even seen him. I spent the rest of yesterday struggling with the feeling that I was in trouble (whenever I discuss the stuff I was told I shouldn't talk about I feel this way. Go figure.) and that my T was annoyed and exasperated, etc with me.

I realized this morning that I wasn't going to be able to reason my way out of this one, so I called. It didn't go well. My T said all the right things (he even told me to breathe Smiler) but I was just totally convinced he was COMPLETELY annoyed with me calling. It felt like I just made it worse. Now I know, from long experience, that this is me and really has nothing to do with reality. But I also know that when I call and that happens that my only choice is just ride the feelings out. Which isn't a lot of fun.

And while I was typing this I realize that part of the reason I don't want to go near my T is that if I do I'm going to experience the feelings about this which feel too big and scary to handle. Sometimes I just wish this weren't so damn hard. And painful. In my better moments I know it's more than worth it to do this work, my life is so much better, but occasionally when I'm in a valley, it feels hard to go on. Feeling this way won't change what I'll do, which is continue working in therapy and trusting my T even when my insides are screaming I shouldn't, but I just needed to say how I felt.

Love that 24 hour club, somebody hand me a Ramones T-shirt. Smiler

AG
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quote:
I had been told by my father (more than likely numberous times) how unattractive I was so that I would believe he was the only place I had to go. It kept me close so I was handy to abuse. I am struggling with a lot of feelings in response to the realization, mainly rage and grief.

That is horrible AG! I am so sorry for you and that little girl part of you. It reminds me of how my ex-husband used to treat me and how he primed me for abuse by attacking my self-esteem (what I had of it). It's bad enough when anyone does this, but when a primary attachment figure does so it is a deeper breach. This is a definite pattern of abuse to keep the victim a victim and to even blame the victim for what is happening to them so that the victim even believes it is their fault. It is sick, twisted, and demented, but it works. While it served its purpose to enable the perpetrator to keep on abusing it holds its victims as prisoners for a long time even after the abuse stops. But we are no longer victims, we are survivors. We are triumphant and we will prevail!

(((HUG)))
JM
JM,
Thank you, you're reaction to that, calling it horrible, sick, twisted and demented is really validating. I think part of why I'm struggling with the realization is that it's SO horrible that I can't get my brain around it. My father damaged me in such a way that I carried it for years, just for his own selfish purposes. Thank you for you're anger on my behalf. It says I matter.

And you're right about no longer being a victim, but overcoming as a survivor. I have lived long enough in thrall to lies and evil deeds. I told my T near the end of the appointment that my father had clipped my wings when I was meant to fly. We're fixing my wings so that I can fly.

AG
ha! ok, i wil explain that questun! (scott goin 'huh?')

angels fly, and nothin can stop them! i believ in buterfly angels which are tiny angels lukin like buterflies and sometimes invisible.

sometimes i can send them to people and em can fel the angel wings around their heads. them is soft and quiet and calm. them can help people get their wings!

but, yuo gota believe in angels first ya know?

i supose i'm rather an odd ball though.

samy
So the grieving has given way to processing. I have felt really confused and all over the map emotionally this week, struggling with feeling like I don’t know what I’m doing in therapy or even where I’m trying to get to and then, out of nowhere stuff starts emerging. Like another part of my brain, out of consciousness has been wrestling and finally decides to speak up. I’ve did some journaling last night and worked a few things out, which I think I’m going to discuss with my T and REALLY don’t want to. I know, what’s new? Big Grin

I’ve been thinking a lot about attractiveness and how I feel about it. And that whole feeling that its bad to think about being attractive. It’s just starting to dawn on me that its ok to recognize your good points and even enjoy the things you do well. Of course, that trips off feelings in me of being arrogant and conceited and vain and how wrong it is. I’m beginning to believe that those beliefs could be wrong.

This is an area in which I think my T provides a good example. He is a very humble man in a lot of ways, who approaches his responsibilities with a lot of humility. He’s open to the fact that he makes mistakes and he doesn’t have all the answers which I really appreciate. But he also has an honest, realistic assessment of his abilities as an effective therapist. That seems like a good combination to me.

So last night in my journal, I decided to make a list of qualities I thought I possessed that other people find attractive (then I was going to burn the journal. You have NO idea how uncomfortable the thought of doing that list, even in complete privacy, made me.) I ended up coming up with a longer list than I expected! Which was a real shock. (Side note: I’m sure that what’s running through all your heads reading the previous sentences is, well isn’t she full of herself? See it’s relentless. Do NOT reassure me here, it only feeds the beast. Smiler )

I want to talk to my T about it. Letting myself even contemplate the thought that I might be attractive to other people is like learning to speak another language. I am so dreading talking about this.

Part of my discomfort is that the erotic/romantic aspects of my relationship with my T have been really strong this week probably because I'm grappling with the whole concept of being attractive and how scary it is on some levels. And as soon as I start talking about whether or not I think I'm attractive it's like standing in the middle of his office screaming "do you find me attractive?" which I know I'll never know. But him not saying anything just feels like a confirmation of me being unattractive even though I know he has good reasons to not go there. I am really looking forward to being on the other side of this conversation.

AG
Hi Incognito,
You have no idea how much your response buoyed me up. I don't feel courageous at all, but to know that I am helping someone else by talking about my struggles makes them more meaningful.

Although the jury should probably remain out on the whole courage thing until we see if I manage to actually talk to my T about all this. Big Grin

But seriously, thank you.

AG
Today's session went so much better than anything I ever could have expected. This past 11 days between appointments were difficult (ok, that's a slight understatment Smiler). I did a lot of grieving about what my dad did to me, about what I may have lost all these years by believing what he told me. I spent time being angry that I lost what I did and for his selfish purpose. I spent time grieving that it was my father who did this to me. Then I spent time processing. Of thinking about the very foreign concept that what my father told me was a lie. That I wasn't unloveable and so unattractvie in every way that no one else would want me. I posted some of my struggles with that above.

I was really braced to go talk about all this this morning, feeling very anxious and scared, but I had a dream just before I woke up. At my last session, one of the things my T and I talked about was that I often have my eyes closed and my hands over my head when things get intense and I'm always a little shocked when I open my eyes to find the room full of light because it feels so dark. He has been encouraging me to try and keep my eyes open as much as possible so I can take in that I'm here and not there. Later in the session, I told him that I keep looking up expecting to see the walls of a cell, but realizing I'm in the middle of a field with no walls around me. (I definitely see my healing as an expansion of light, space and choices, so I often use spatial analogies). He asked me how I felt about being in that field (he is a therapist!) and I told him that I felt scared because I wasn't sure what to do. He said that the cell would have the advantage of at least being familiar. But then I realized something really good and told him that I also feel excited about being in the field, that it might be exciting to go see what's over the hill. But what if I picked the wrong direction or something bad was over the hill? And he answered, that then I could go over the next hill. That to be human is to have those choices and go over those hills. That led into a discussion of feeling like I was meant to have flown and my father clipped my wings. We're repairing them. OK, I told you all that so you would understand why the dream was important.

I dreamt that my husband and I were staying at friends and they lived in a house that was at the bottom of a long grassy hill, there was land all around. My husband and I were walking up the hill towards the sound of bells. As we crested the hill, you see spires of all kinds of churchs and buildings and bell towers (reminded me of Cambridge, England) and bells were ringing everywhere and sounded really beautiful. I suddenly realized that I was in bare feet and we couldn't go to where we were going unless I had shoes on. So I told my husband to keep going, I would go back and get my shoes and catch back up. The whole dream was permeated with a feeling of well being but when I turned to go down the hill, I got this wonderful sense of playfulness and joy and thought how much fun it would be to run down the hill. I took off running and then I started jumping, and because it was a dream, they were really long jumps, like being on the moon, so that I was almost flying down the hill. Then I woke up. As the dream came back to me, I made the connection to the field I had talked to my T about it. And I realized that in my dream, the field was a beautiful place and that I took off running with excitement and joy and no fear and then was almost flying. It was then I realized that sometime during that long 11 days I had broken the power of another lie. That not only did I realize a new freedom but it was wonderful to have. I was suddenly looking forward to my appointment. Smiler

When my T asked how I was, I told him better than I realized. Smiler I told him about the dream and he thought it was a really positive sign. He asked what feelings I was having when I was running down the hill and I told him that there was an incredible sense of joy and being full of life. That things were perfect the way they can be in a dream, that I was so present and reveling in the feel of the wind, the sunlight, the feel of the grass. That I was so in the moment that I realized that this is what being alive was really like. He added something really interesting that I hadn't thought of, that not only was I enjoying the freedom but in going back for the shoes I was going back to get what I needed to move on. That was very cool.

So we spent the rest of the session talking about alot of my realizations about believing that I was worthless and unattractive in every way, and would be rejected was a lie. Those beliefs were shackles I have carried my whole life. That I was seeing a glimmer of what it would be like to believe that I was ok. I asked my T "but how can you know that what you believe are your good qualities are really good qualities?" He said, "you can't, not on your own." I keep forgetting that. Smiler That's the point of having someone validate you so that you can learn that your ok. But when you hear something else you take it in on such a deep level that when later you see evidence to the contrary you can't trust it because you believe the truth is that you can't be good. And ANYTHING bad that happens, and bad things happen in all relationships because they're between human beings, that only serves as confirmation that you were right, you are bad.

I have yearned my whole life to feel as if I was worthwhile, loveable, attractive, to be able to rest knowing that I was ok. I believed that it would NEVER happen, that it was an impossibility. I had learned to live with my despair, we're old companions. But once again, my T showed me the way out of despair (what a strange and unexpected thing, to be able to move to the other side of despair, it never feels like there is one.) I am still learning, I know I'll relapse but I can accept that my being ok is within the realm of possibility. That's something I didn't believe before.

We talked about all my anxieties about our relationship being me looking for confirmation of my badness. But he just kept holding still and listening and reassuring me until I could believe that he really thinks I'm ok. And once I believed he believed it, I could believe it. I really love that man with a very deep feeling of gratitude. I've done a lot of hard work to get here, but I also couldn't have done it without him. I'm so grateful to have him as my therapist.

And I feel wonderful! Life seems filled with possibility and anticipation. I can't remember the last time I felt like this and I'm planning on enjoying it. Thanks for giving me a place to share this.

AG
AG I just want to add my happiness at hearing your story of today's session. It's these kinds of posts that give us all hope to be in that happy and full of life place one day. I also love the part about going back for your shoes... and the way your very wise T interpreted that. The man is a gem... a real keeper and I understand that feeling of gratitude you have for him. I am thrilled that you came out of today's session in such a joyous place. I hope it continues.

TN
That is so awesome AG! Thank you for taking the time to describe everything so well. A lot of what you have said has really resonated with me and it is so good to hear about the light at the end of the tunnel. I hadn't thought of all those messages of my worthlessness as a child as being lies. I feel a little light bulb glowing on top of my head. I think I will have something very interesting to think about for the next few days. Thank you for letting us rejoice with you and thank you for sharing the good and the bad with us again and again.

All of the smileys are ready to party with you!
Smiler Big Grin Wink Razzer Cool

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