Russ,

I know about the frightening and painful head fog. Do you ask your T about the other side of it? I'm going to. They should be able to provide some kind of answer. I am just starting to be able to make the emotional connections. And, then, I guess I will be better able to identify my "triggers". We haven't gotten that far in my therapy yet but I'm sensing we're getting there since I'm just starting to be able to make the connections. Have you talked to your T about not being able to make the connections?

I feel like my emotions have just been a big big blur for the past 3 years (well my whole life, but I'm only counting since i've been in therapy). Sometimes I think that the pain is hard to see clearly, like I'm protecting myself from myself. And it's only been lately that maybe I was strong enough to face the pain?

Maybe you're getting close, Russ, but just not quite ready. It's so brutal, huh? You sound very frustrated.

Liese,

I'm starting to realize that my T doesn't have any single answer that will "cure" me. He can't reach inside my head and sort out all the emotions and re-wire my neural pathways. Instead, I think the answer(s) is/are inside me, and my T is really just there as a guide. And if I'm lucky, my relationship with him will somehow open a pathway for me to get to those things that need to be felt, faced, processed, remembered, or whatever.

My T does have some very definite ideas about what's causing my problems, but, as he's said many times, what he thinks and understands doesn't mean much if I don't see it, understand it and, most importantly, feel it.

Yes, my T and I often talk about missed connections, or as he puts it, "linkages." There are all sorts of things that are strikingly clear to him that are, at best, vague notions to me.

So, part of the work is getting me to make those connections and linkages, but there's only so much he can do. Somehow, I have to find a way to do a lot of this stuff myself, with him as my guide.

quote:

Originally posted by Liese:
Sometimes I think that the pain is hard to see clearly, like I'm protecting myself from myself.

You are by no means alone here. Here's where the discussion about defenses comes in. Here's an example.

Let's say that a part of you that you're not really aware of is attempting to experience a particular feeling that you're also not very aware of; maybe a painful feeling from the past. If that particular feeling - hurt, shame, whatever - is unacceptable and/or incongruent to your ego - meaning the part of you that you are aware of, the "you" that you see in the mirror and that know yourself as - then that part of you will automatically throw up a defense against that...or maybe even a complex set of defenses, depending on how objectionable the feeling might be to your ego consciousness.

So, in that sense we do "protect" ourselves, but of course, it's a double-edged sword in a lot of cases because it may be that the price you pay for not feeling that feeling is some other symptom...depression, anxiety, OCD, etc.

Best,

Russ

Emerald,

I am so sorry that we hijacked this thread. Last conversation and then we can take it somewhere else.

Russ,

That's interesting that you can't see the links. So your T actually points them out to you? I do think and my t would never admit this andI know this sounds paranoid but I do think my T shifts things in our relationship a little, just a little, to get me to SEE/FEEL things. I also think the way he runs his office can bring up a lot of issues. So he kind of uses the setting of his office to work on things - so that stuff seems natural and just kind of occurring in nature. I'll give you an example. When I was first seeing him, I saw him every week but then i wasn't sure he liked me so I suggested I come every other week. And, he said, that's fine, I like independence, come every other week. But I hadn't really come to a definite decision and I was upset that he wasn't giving me what I wanted, which was that I was welcome to stay every week and of course, he liked me. So then, he had his secretary call me three times before my next appointment and she kept asking me if I was going to drop down to every other week because she needed to know. I was really pissed off well, because you know why I was pissed off ... because I didn't mean it and I felt pushed out. I was fishing for something else. And, I was pissed off because I knew that he knew I was fishing for something else and felt it was a breach of our relationship that he told he secretary to call me. But I could never articulate that to him. And still haven't. Anyway, I do remember getting really upset and I think I must have called to speak with him and he called me on the phone and told me I should call him if I get upset in between sessions. I really wasn't sure what his angle was with the whole thing. I just kind of assumed he wanted me to know that I could call him in between sessions. And I tend to mostly give him the benefit of the doubt, that if he is jerking me a little here and there, it's to help me. Maybe he was trying to get me to be more direct about what I was asking for. That if I do that kind of stuff out there in the real world, people are going to respond to what I say and that I'll very often wind up feeling frustrated because I'm not asking for what I want and not getting what I need.


But that scenario probably happened 2 1/2 years ago and we're just getting to the "you need to be more direct" converssation. Therapy is an interesting journey, huh?

My last T was definitely doing things on purpose to get reactions out of me. I think my current T said she "created situations" .... I probably shouldn't be talking about this because everyone will start getting paranoid. But my last T made comments about things, like not being able to get reactions out of me, etc., ... and she was a really bad actress and gave a lot away non-verbally so I never really felt like the relationship was genuine. Current T knows all about her and promises that he won't do anything like that but I just think he's better and more subtle than she was. And, as he said, "You hired me to help you".

I know we've strayed from the transference/countertransference topic. So sorry again, Emerald.

Here's a thought on the countertransference. One time I thought he was using it to get me to see something that was bothering me. For example, I'm not sure he was really experiencing countertransference or if he was pretending to. I Thought he was really experiencing it at the time. But afterwards, decided he was pretending to. Anyway, he mentioned the word frustrated. And, so then a week or so later, I went in and asked if he got frustrated with me. And, he said, no never. It's all on my time. My pace. However fast or slow I want to go. So, now what do I believe? Either he was really frustrated with me and was not being honest with me two weeks later. Or he knew what I was experiencing and didn't want to come right out and tell me, so he kind of acted frustrated, threw the word in there and waited for me to come back to him with it. And, so is that a trust issue? Should I ask him, well you said you were frustrated two weeks ago? And, now you're saying you're never frustrated with me? So, in which instance were you not telling me the truth? Or do I really need to know that. Is the important thing that he never gets frustrated with me? As long as I can believe it?