This should not be a big deal... but somehow, it feels like I really screwed up with my T today.

This afternoon I called my T to ask about when something was scheduled for. She said she would send me an email yesterday or today - because it would have been yesterday or today. I didn't get any email, and my email server was down. So I called. Except for my very first call to make the very first appointment with my T, we have never actually talked on the phone. We have texted or emailed... and it has worked well. Today, I called. (Which I am totally welcome to do) and I got the secretary. She put me through to my T and she surprisingly picked up. I just hung up. I couldn't even say my name... seriously... I called from my work number, and I don't think my T could have known from caller ID it was me, but still. I hung up on her. ugh. I am such a dork.

I think it is likely that she will figure out it was me that hung up. I told the secretary I was calling to ask about scheduling. She could tell my T that the person who hung up on her was asking about that. After I hung up, I text my T after I hung up. I didn't mention calling, but just texted to ask about the same scheduling thing.

About and hour later, I called and someone else was answering the phones and they easily gave me confirmation that what was going to be scheduled for yesterday or today was moved to next week. Then they asked my name... I said oh, I'll just follow up with (my T). They said ok and we ended the call. Ugh. I just keep making this worse.

I do have the info I wanted now. So now I'm just left with the reality that I hung up on my T. And that she probably knows I did all of this about a rather simple thing, so neurotically. And there is the text I sent her that she will probably respond to eventually.

I feel amazingly anxious about what I did and sick with worry about what my T thinks. It's been a very long times since I have felt this way... and it hasn't been this bad about something like this very many times in my life - but today, I feel almost paranoid about this. I don't even know what I am fearing exactly. I mean really, what could the long term consequences of this nuttiness of mine today have? I hope not many, and not very bad ones...

On a deeper level, I think I am struggling with something with both of my Ts. I don't quite know what it is, but I think it is related to attachment. It has been a very hard week. It feels like my defenses are melting in the mix of deep pain.

I'm also just plain worn out.

Maybe that's why this thing about calling my T is really getting to me. I wish I hadn't tried so hard to call her only to just hang up. I should have just let it all be. Yet what happened, happened. And it triggered me deeply. It's just a call, not a good thing to hang up, but shiesh, I am still beating myself up for this minor thing. Why? It's not helping me. My inner critic doesn't actually help me be a better person - not when I get this hard on me.

I took the battery out of my phone, and can't bring myself to put it back in and see if I got a text back from her. I'm terribly worked up about this, and it shouldn't be this hard.

sorry to rant on and on about this battle with myself.

Jane,

It sounds like you were so shocked that she answered that you almost reflexively hung up the phone. I'm sorry it is so unsettling for you.

I wish I had something more helpful or insightful for you. Thinking of you. (((hugs)))

Jane, it's not a rant. It's been a hard week, and it seems, month, year, etc. It's OK when we get ambushed by our feelings and react in ways we don't understand and aren't happy with. I'm sure, even if your T knows it was you, there won't be any long-term consequences to hanging up. It's not like you threatened her or made an obscene call. For all she knows, there was a disconnection during the transfer or someone lost signal. Even if she thinks it was you, I'm sure your T, knowing where you are at about this particular thing you were asking for the schedule on (read your previous post) and understands you getting overwhelmed. It will absolutely be OK! I wish I could offer you some more comfort, but I'm here for you, thinking of and praying for you and sending all the virtual hugs you can manage to endure! (((((((((((((((Jane))))))))))))))))

Thanks STRM and Yaku... I will come back to respond later. I had to take an anti-anxiety med that I haven't had to take in a long time and I'm very sleepy... which is good. My reg T today said I looked really tired and like I needed sleep and even though she didn't know of this mess that ha ppened later on, she still suggested I try it for a night or two to get sleep. I hope some good sleep wwill help me wake up and see things a little betterr. Thanks for your compassionate responses. I hope so much that my T won't be mad or think I'm being too much of a mess aboutr this .
good night all.
thank you
very sleepy jane

Sweet dreams, Jane. ((((((((hugs)))))))))

I wouldn't call it obsessive and neurotic, but in the large scheme of things, I don't think it will matter, other than to explore how you feel about what happened. I'm glad you were able to sleep, but sorry for the nightmares. I've been waking up several times a night from a dead sleep in a panic, almost like happens when you have somewhere to be and feel like you've overslept...except I have nowhere to be. Let me know what day the ceremony is, if you like, and I'll definitely be praying for you. I know it might be a challenging experience. ((((((((Jane))))))))

quote:

My inner critic doesn't actually help me be a better person - not when I get this hard on me.

It is so hard living like this. My T has been on me about this recently. It's like the old tracks that play over and over were what helped me when I was in the thick of growing up the way I did, but now they are actually hurting me and preventing me from growing and fully living life.

quote:

I'm not sure what I am afraid of. I think in the grand scheme of things, it really is a small thing, and things will go on ok. I'm not even sure what I am trying to avoid.

It sounds like a great topic of conversation for your T

quote:

I'm awkward at times. I do stupid things like this too. But when I don't get mad at myself about it, then people have said my awkward moments just are actually endearing. I have no idea how it could be endearing...

I guess that people think it's endearing could be a good thing? I am very socially awkward and do dumb things on a very regular basis, and I am the first to jump in and beat the crap out of myself so no one else does.

I know you're in a rough spot right now. When I lost my first horse, that I had for 13 years, I felt like he took a bit of me with him. When I lost my first pony, it was a little easier, but not really. When animal sadness is being processed, life is way tougher, I think.

Sending warm fuzzies that you are able to move through the grief and the chaos as smoothly as possible.

(((((Jane)))))

Yaku ~ Thanks for the encouragement. I'm sorry you are struggling with sleep too. It really affects everything. Thanks so much for the prayers... I'll let you when it is.

R2G ~

quote:

It's like the old tracks that play over and over were what helped me when I was in the thick of growing up the way I did, but now they are actually hurting me and preventing me from growing and fully living life.

Well said. This is very much how it is for me too. I wish we could both just tell our inner critics to quit it.

being socially awkward as kids tends to lead to cruel treatment and as adults... too often it leads to a different but just as painful kind of cruelness... and it's the worst for me when it all comes from myself.

I have found that when I sorta say um yeah, so I know I am awkward... it sorta takes off the effect on people so much and people sorta actually end up being more ok with it - but it's only people who really know me - and it's hard when my awkwardness gets in the way of people knowing me.

Thanks for your understanding about the loss of this animal. It does seem to be wearing me down.



update:
no response from my T to my text. Of course my thoughts keep starting to wander down the path of fearing that it is because of a million awful and painful things... when really, I don't know. She could just be busy, it could be one of the awful reasons I fear, but I can't do anything about any of it. I don't know why. I may not know until I see her again. Part of me hopes maybe she hasn't responded for a good reason - like that she never got the text by some kind of cell phone transmission magic. if only.

working hard at keeping myself from freaking out about this,
~ jane

JD,

My first thought is that they probably think it was a dropped call. Nevertheless, I can see how this would consume you with worry, but I think you are probably putting a lot more thought into it than your T or her receptionist(s). I bet you weren't the only hangup that week, and maybe even not all day!

LG ~ Thanks, I hope so.

I know it feels wrong. I get these feelings all the time. Can you send her a text and let her know you're worrying that not having heard back from her means something is wrong and just wanted to reassure that it wasn't? I know those are hard to send, but I'd hate for you to either cancel your appointment needlessly or be in agony for three days! (((((((((((Jane)))))))))))

My T has still not responded. Every now and then, this fact crosses my mind along with a lot of dread. I'm so tired of fighting me, my fears, and my inner critic.

Oh Jane honey, I'm sorry to read this. You have been through so, so much lately. I know it would be hard, but I'd really love you to send another text, in case the other one didn't get through. It seems really important and I'm really sure your T wouldn't want to leave you hanging this way. ((((JD))))

Hi sweetie. I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. I hope that you hear from your T soon. I'm sure it's going to be ok. I agree with the others. You could just send one that says "just checking to see if you got my text.." maybe? I know how hard that spiral is. (((((((JD)))))))

Keep us posted, okay?

quote:

Originally posted by janedoe:
My T has still not responded. Every now and then, this fact crosses my mind along with a lot of dread. I'm so tired of fighting me, my fears, and my inner critic.

I think your T probably hasn't responded bc in their mind, this was a non-event and she probably doesn't even understand that you are stressed about this. Have you ever experienced a situation where someone apologized to your for something they said that they later worried was offensive to you and in your mind you were like, "What? what are they even talking about?" and you had not been offended or upset by anything they said and were surprised that they had even been concerning themselves with this? Well perhaps that is the case with this situation. Perhaps it simply does not occur to your T that this is a big deal because the hang ups didn't even register in her mind.