deleted for personal reason, no big deal

This message has been edited. Last edited by: janedoe,

JD,

I'm so sorry for all that you have been through. That is so much for anyone to be able to cope with.

It sounds like (if I am reading this correctly) that you ARE getting attached to this T, but on some level (most likely your nervous system) you are putting up defenses to prevent that from happening. It sounds like intellectually you are ok with everything between you and the relationship that you have with her, but on a body level you are throwing up the defenses in order to prevent getting hurt again. Totally and completely understandable! I think it is something that needs to be worked with carefully and the more positive experiences of safety and caring you have with your T the more those defenses will calm down and you will be able to let her in and feel and accept the caring.

Sorry, I probably could say way more, but I'm getting ready to leave for T.

STRM, You made it....

JD,
I agree with STRM that your nervous system may be preventing you from connecting completely. I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing though. I think listening to it and honoring it are an important part of working through it. It sounds to me like your body is being cautious in a healthy way. It makes sense that it will take time to trust again at all after all that you have been through. I know it can be so easy to find fault in ourselves when things don't go the way we want them to (boy do I know ), but trying to be patient with yourself and accepting that whatever comes up is really important and often the therapy itself.(my T's words - easier said than done for sure!).

The other thought I had is that because of all the work you have done since April (I think that is when you said you were in intensive treatment), maybe your body is experiencing this new way of being, but doesn't quite know what to do with it. The reactive patterns you had in place before are no longer helpful and you are no longer using them, but maybe your nervous system needs time to establish solid new ways of reacting/coping/etc.

Don't know if this is at all helpful, but regardless I am wishing you good things.

thank you so much for the feedback and encouragement. It's stuck in my mind (in a very good way) as I have tried to process this more and sit with it. I actually dared to talk about how I was feeling about my T with my T today. Although she is somewhat baffled about the changes in me, and what I am feeling, she was very accepting and kind. Which of course kinda weirded me out more. We talked about the eq T, and letting myself just feel ok. My T reminded me that if things get scary again, I have handled it in the past, and I can handle it much better now. It was super helpful to just talk and bring it out in the open.

seablue - I like the way you put it. It makes a lot of sense that my nervous system is putting up defenses to prevent myself from being vulnerable from being hurt again.

STRM -

quote:

maybe your body is experiencing this new way of being, but doesn't quite know what to do with it. The reactive patterns you had in place before are no longer helpful and you are no longer using them, but maybe your nervous system needs time to establish solid new ways of reacting/coping/etc.

yeah, maybe that's why everything tends to feel physically so different. wow...

This message has been edited. Last edited by: janedoe,