I'm just wondering if anyone else does this or not. I went to T on Wednesday and mentioned that there was concern that T was going to be unavailable from Thurs to Mon. It was mainly one of the little parts who gets very nervous when T is out of reach and also worries anytime she travels that she is going to have an accident and die. Anyway, I brought it up in T and T said that actually she was going to be in town on Friday (the day that we often have extra sessions if needed). She said that she is taking the day off to spend with her daughter who is visiting from out of town, but she could get away and come in to her office to see me if needed. She said to call her cell phone if I need to. Of course, I haven't tried to call her cell since the night she didn't answer when I was in crisis. So the offer sounds genuine and it was a very generous offer for her to make and one that she didn't have to offer.....

So, why don't I believe that? It's not that I don't believe that if I called that she would meet me. It's more that I believe that she would be mad at me or somehow resent me for reaching out to her. I feel like she put it out there as an offer knowing that I would never act on it because I would feel way too guilty about it. I know this isn't the case and is just my twisted brain working, but ugh! I hate that I feel like that. Knowing that I can call her if I have to is getting me through, but I know in the back of my mind that I wouldn't really call because I would feel horrible for interrupting her visit with her daughter.

What is wrong with me?! Seriously, I used to be able to manage completely on my own and keep it all together and now I can hardly go from Wed to Mon without my T. I hate being needy and I hate being dependent.

STRM,
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you!! You are way more brave in facing this difficult work, than many other people who just "keep it together." I really believe a good T (sounds like yours is) will not offer something they cannot give without resentment because they know it will play out negatively in some way within the relationship. You are doing some really really tough work with your T right now. Of course you need her and have anxiety about her being out of reach. She knows that and it is why she has made the offer to you. But, yes it is SOOOOOOO hard to trust, so I completely get why you are struggling with it. And to add even more difficulty, your last experience in trying to reach out to her did not go well. I am sorry you are going through this. Separation is extremely tough, especially when they are out of town. STRM, call her if you need to.

I also have separation anxiety whenever my T goes out of town or takes time off. And, yes I am also talking about Weds to Mon length of time, not the horribly painful 2-3 (or more) weeks that others here endure. I feel your pain, STRM.

Thanks Seablue. I'm sure you are right and in my head I know that she wouldn't put it out there if she didn't mean it, but the emotion part is lagging behind that logic.

I'm sorry you experience separation anxiety as well. I have no idea how some on here have gone weeks without seeing their T's. I think I would lose it if my T said she was going to be gone for 3, 4, 5 + weeks.

Thanks for the support and understanding. It helps to hear that others understand what this feels like.

STRM

I've posted a reply on another thread, which I'll transfer over here.I have no doubt that her offer was genuine STRM, if not she wouldn't have offered. I know that she let you down once before and that it's where your seeds of doubt probably come from now; but I don't think for a minute she would offer if she didn't mean it. My T says that I can ring if I need to, I always smile inside because I know that the offer is genuine BUT she is impossible to get hold of, and so I would never try, in case I really needed her and she wasn't available. I tend to e-mail, which works better. I think what I'm trying to say to you is that their offers are genuine, but maybe their human and can't always fulfil whati they hope to.... but the intention remains sound.

I don't know if that helps STRM, I do feel for you, because it's horrid to have these doubts. I hope her actions and constancy will help you to see that she means what she says.


DF,

quote:

I hate being needy to and dependent..because it makes me so vulnerable like i was when i was little.And there's this part of me that vowed i would never need anyone again so that I would never have to feel that amount of hurt again

oh absolutely yes, 100% yes from me. Part of that dislike of feeling needy for me is the fact that if I ask for help it might never come, like it never did in the past. And that feeling is undoubtedly worse for me than the actual feeling of needing help in the fist place. So I am really Miss Independent, would rather struggle on my own than need anybody....spent years with my T waiting for her to get up and leave, when I told her anything remotely difficult. It's changed now and I have learned that she is not going anywhere, but it'a hard lesson to learn when you have previously been so let down by others in the past.

And DF, your post made perfect sense, even with a fried brain - sorry for that, I hope you can find a bit of rest and peace somewhere this weekend.

starfish

Thanks DF and Starfish.

DF, your post made perfect sense and I could have written what you wrote myself. I definitely am Miss. Independent (most of my parts adult parts anyway) and the idea of needing someone and being vulnerable is just not ok. I too was rejected by my mother any time I asked for any sort of support. If I tried to hug her she pushed me away, if I asked for emotional support she said that I was being ridiculous etc. That is why it is so hard to reach out to anyone now because that fear of rejection is still there. It is too painful to experience that again so I just won't try.

I'm not going to call my T. I don't feel great, but it isn't anything bad enough to call her and have her interrupt her visit with her daughter. I see her on Monday and that isn't that far away at this point.

Thanks for the support and reassurance SB, SF, and DF!

((((STRM))))

I'm sorry for the doubt you feel. I often suffer with same. The care I do get from ,my T, I doubt, and find ways to think it isn't real, he doesn't men it, it's not really for me, if he knew me better, he wouldn't offer, etc. It's the need to stay independent of any care that isn't 100%, for me. So, for me, I need to accept care that isn't always 100%. I have no idea...about your T, she may be 100%. and in particular if she is willing to let you know, that you could interrupt a weekend with her daughter, and she would be willing to come in for you, well, that means a lot. I suspect she is trying to show you, that her care is genuine.
I understand not taking her up on it, though. That would be REALLY hard to do.
Hug, STRM...

Hope that gets better for you soon, trust is a hard one is it not?

BB

Thanks BB. Yes, I actually think her care and offer is genuine. The hangup is in my not believing that it is. I actually believe it on an intellectual level, but not on a feeling level. Often while working with T, I can feel her caring and then I know in my heart that it is genuine. I felt it when she made the offer about being willing to come in today. It's just when I step back and let the intellectual parts of myself start to analyze the interaction that I get into trouble. I think it is just another example of the push/pull of attachment that is typical of someone with a trauma background.

Ooooh, STRM...such a good question. Yup, I do this too, and it's directly proportional to the level of attachment. If they offer to do something for me, you can bet I will do everything I can think of to AVOID accepting or taking them up on whatever is offered to me. It's as if the offer goes through some kind of warped filter within me and I hear it this way: "Here is how you can drive me away and make me abandon you. Ask for this thing and it is a done deal that I will be gone before you know it." So there's no way I'm going to do it unless I'm really really hurting and desperate...and then you can bet I'm going to hit myself repeatedly with a very large hammer afterward.

And I'll bet you are totally correct, that it has to do with the trauma background. We were scolded and abandoned not only when we had needs, but often because we had them. So we are still expecting it today.

But as long as it's not me in the situation (you know how that goes ), it is very easy to see that your T probably meant exactly what she said. So I hope you ignore those old messages that are no longer true...take the leap and call her if you need to. And make sure to let us know how it goes, okay?

Hugs,
SG

quote:

"Here is how you can drive me away and make me abandon you. Ask for this thing and it is a done deal that I will be gone before you know it."

Ooooh, I could have written that! Thanks SG, you are always so wise. I did not call her today and now it is evening. I could call her if I needed to talk on the phone briefly, but at this point I think that would stir things up more than they already are. I survived today and now I only have to go two more days before I see her again.

STRM haven’t got any insights into the whys - but am exactly the same - I don’t for one moment believe that someone (not just T) saying they will be there for me if I need to call or get in touch or whatever actually means it and if I do act on that invitation inevitably my fears are proved right. SG’s comment that you quoted EXACTLY describes my fear lol.

Now part of me has a fair idea that that’s ME setting it up to happen like that but that doesn’t stop the crap that goes on in me. Because I don’t know why and making connections to possible past reasons though intellectually making sense, doesn’t help the fear and self loathing in the moment!

Before I get myself all tangled up in saying things I don’t know how to say I’ll do what DF said - just say that I’m like that too.

(((( STRM ))))


LL

STRM, Hope you are hanging in there OK. Only 2 more days!! I hope it goes quickly for you.

I really wish I knew the answer to your question. It seems to be the question for people with attachment issues/trauma history. I question how we work through that when the truth is that people are not always reliable. This is one of my biggest struggles right now and I am feeling pretty hopeless about it. I wish I could see it clearly enough to know how much is me expecting perfection and how much is the other person really not reliable.

I did not mean to hijack your thread, sorry. I really do hope you are taking care of yourself and you have had moments you have been able to find some peace. Thinking of you.

Thanks everyone! I don't feel like anyone hijacked anything. Everyone is welcome to contribute in any way that fits for them. I don't feel like it is "my thread" so no worries there.

UV: Yes, what you wrote makes sense. I was abused by both parents. More by my father (SA,physical, emotional etc.), but the betrayal by my mother in her failure to protect me definitely shows up now. The lie that was presented to everyone on the outside of the perfect family certainly makes me question the authenticity of most people.

I just hate it when it happens with my T because I know it is stuff from the past interjecting itself into our relationship. My T is great and despite some human error here and there, she really does care and has been there for me. It's my own hangups that won't allow me to reach out to her even when she offers. It's not her. Fortunately, my T is very well equipped to handle this and we work on these issues regularly.

We decided to go out of town for a few days so that is helping pass the time until my appointment on Monday. Triggers are everywhere, but I'm hanging in there. I brought my laptop and I have my stone that my T gave me so I can use that for grounding as well.

UV: Ok, so I missed the post about your T until I had already replied.

Hmmm, my first thought is why is your T telling you about a phone call with another patient or potential patient. That seems like a boundary to me. I would not want to spend any of my T time talking about another client. I'm not sure that I am understanding exactly what is bothering you, but I sense that it is that maybe you feel he wasn't completely honest and direct with the other client and therefore you wonder if he might also do that with you? If it is bothering you then I would definitely bring it up, otherwise it could interfere with your relationship.