I have never told my T of my attraction to him.
I kind of smile and giggle when I first see him but out of nervousness. Cant say I have ever flirted with him that I'm aware of. He's been a psychologist for 30 years. He must have had many patients develop transference feelings. Do you think they know? Obviously he doesnt know my thoughts/fantasies but I'm wondering just how much he might sense from me.

Shouldn't therapist's tell patients at the beginning of therapy about Transferrence? Wouldn't that help to understand what's happening from the get go, and have a discussion about what the plan would be if these feelings develop?

I just wonder, if people go to therapy and stay long enough to develop transference/feelings for the therapist... could it be that they just needed to stay longer and longer and keep coming.... I mean they could have left any time before getting attached - would they get their help without the need to get attached?
But anyway... if someone keeps coming and coming (no strong feelings yet) and eventually some feelings get stirred up, is this perhaps part of the chase they do in real life... so this time it is going to be different and safe...
Yeah, I wonder...
I think if someone was before in therapy knows and understands what to expect, what the transference is.
If someone is new and was told about the transference beforehand they probably would not understand, and it doesn't always have to be love or attraction. I guess the therapist can't really tell what feelings will come up.

I think before I started therapy I came across the statment that the therapist becomes the most important person (or at least very important). It meant nothing to me.
I thik I also read somewhere about transferring feelings for important other onto the therapist. I didn't pay much attention to it and still it meant nothing to me.
I also suspected that I may become attached (fall in love in my case) to the therapist and was trying to avoid it, because apparently I didn't understand anything of the above.
All I knew was that you are supposed to trust your therapist. I still didn't understand a thing.

I think if the therapist told the client that there may be involved feelings such and such, that would actually put pressure on the client to feel what they are supposed to feel and what the therapist may be expecting.
Hm... it is quite possible that if the therapist tried to explain what kind of feelings may the connection bring out, it would probably ruin the therapy from the start. That just me thinking aloud here.

Yes, I believe that a well trained therapist would be aware of transference in clients.

In response to what you said about a T telling his clients about transference in the beginning- I don’t personally think that would be helpful. Discovering things for yourself is such a critically important part of therapy, and my T is always reminding me of this. It means a lot more to experience something for yourself, and then come to your own conclusion about it, than to just have someone tell you and give you all the answers. Transference (whatever kind it may be) is part of the process. I think it’s important to talk about any feelings towards the T as they happen, because talking about it can further the relationship and create a stronger bond between T & C. For me, being able to talk about the feeling that I am having towards him, and hearing his responses, have made out relationship stronger, and I don’t think it would have had the same effect as if he had just told me about transference from the start.
Mac

Oh my, I really wish more Ts would talk about potential transferences AND all their unique boundaries straightaway. It is harder and more frustrating on us trying to figure out what boundaries are, and whether we should tell them about these strange fantasies and feelings we’ve been having about them.

I’m of the understanding that a wide range of Ts are not very familiar with or understanding of transference. It sort of can be hit or miss with any T. (I could be off-base, just my own experience and perception from other groups)

Some Ts seem to have experience and handle it well, and those are the ones that probably can pick up on your signals.

But other Ts, like my previous one, have no experience with it and are very unknowledgeable about it and ill-equipped to handle transference. When I finally told my previous T about my erotic transference she revealed that I was only the 2nd patient that felt this way for her in over 20 years of practice. I find that very hard to believe, (she was a very nice looking woman). So that just tells me that no one else said anything about their transference except us 2 and she never believed anyone else would’ve felt that way. Which is completely unbelievable to me. If one is a T they should know about all the potential issues of the t/patient relationship. And they should expect intimate feelings to develop, transference or not. So I don’t think she would’ve picked up on my feelings or trials with transference.

My current T says the t/patient relationship is an intimate one. And we did discuss potential transference early on, but I still worry about her ability to handle it.

I think the responsibility has been left to the client to ask initially, on the phone or at first meeting if the T has appropriate experience with the client’s issues, has transference experience, T’s general background, and any limitations, boundaries, or other issues that may obstruct care.

But since so many seeking care only know we are in a bad or not so ideal place in life, or for whatever reasons people have sought therapy, it may not be a place where these direct questions are even thought about let alone asked.

It actually offends me that Ts are not more sensitive to this. It seems to waste time being with a T that is not compatible when there may exist the option to see someone else. I also think that Ts tend to be like ostriches with their heads in the sand when it comes to having to recognize that a client might have transference. Some Ts call it “letting the client go at their pace and talk about things in their own time” I think that’s crap. What I would’ve liked is for my old T to say “you know, sometimes this relationship can be intense and lead to different intense feelings. I want to hear about them if you think you might be feeling them”. And then to check in on me every so often about it. But Noooooo.

Oops Sorry, I’ve gone off on a bit of a rant, haven’t I?

I guess what I’m trying to say Lizzygirl is that he may suspect something if he has studied and has experience with transference. In 30 years one would think he has. But then again mine had 20+ years, so who’s to guess.

Can I ask how long you’ve been with him? Time may make a difference too. If he picks up on it because he has been noticing “something’s up” for the past few months may be different from noticing something from the past few weeks.

And yes, I absolutely agree with you, Ts should tell every patient about transference, (and be ABLE to tell about it) even if it’s just a clinical description of. Some type of acknowledgment that it exists and might one day happen, would go a long way.

Additionally, I’d like to add on that they should explicitly discuss the physical and emotional rules on boundaries that they personally have. Like some hug, some don’t. I hate that it’s a guessing game until you ask.

quote:

Originally posted by MacLove:
For me, being able to talk about the feeling that I am having towards him, and hearing his responses, have made out relationship stronger, and I don’t think it would have had the same effect as if he had just told me about transference from the start.

Oh, GOOD point Maclove!

I didn't consider this point of view when I was making my post. I just wanted to add on this though if that's ok, since I stated that I feel T's should talk about transference at the beginning.

I think it's awesome you and your T was able to talk about it and explore the feelings. That is idea too.

In my post (and biased pov) I was thinking about those clients who are not comfortable telling Ts about their feelings because these feelings may feel new, strange, and even unwanted. So there is this pressure of "feeling like a freak" or weird for having them. And not all Ts are good or foster good communication environments. (a big frustration of mine )

I think even if the client doesn't understand the concept of transference it can be discussed in a way that doesn't lead the client to feeling pressured to develop those feelings.

Just having the T say and reiterate that they WANT to know about the client's feelings about the relationship overall would be helpful. (from the perspective of someone who felt like my T did Not want to hear about them. and when I did finally say, she dismissed the feelings by saying "it happens" and they were never spoken about again)

So I could of course be biased in this point of view, but I have been around groups of people hurting over improperly handled transference.

I would say it's well worth discussing in the beginning if it does not cause pressure and if the main message isn't "you might love me one day", but rather "I think it's important to know how you feel about and interact with all the people in your life including me. Please share with me any thoughts or feelings you may have about your relationships, especially if they seem to remind you of other times in your life that you've felt this way."

Then that opens the discussion for anger, hurt, or love; whatever feelings that may occur without the pressure to love them or feel in any particular defined way.

does that make sense?

Forlorn-
I noticed that you said a couple times that you have a biased point of view. You are definitely not the only one who has a biased point of view. My response is biased to my experience also. (One of the synonyms for biased is ‘influenced’ which I think is a much nicer word. It’s not always necessarily being biased, but simply influenced by our own experiences.) I have a T who is always understanding of absolutely everything that I say. I know that I have been very lucky in that. So I tend to think that all other T’s must be as great as mine, and if you tell him about transference he has to respond in an understanding way because that’s all I’ve known with my therapist.

quote:

Originally posted by Forlorn:
I would say it's well worth discussing in the beginning if it does not cause pressure and if the main message isn't "you might love me one day", but rather "I think it's important to know how you feel about and interact with all the people in your life including me. Please share with me any thoughts or feelings you may have about your relationships, especially if they seem to remind you of other times in your life that you've felt this way."

Yes, totally understand what you’re saying, and I think this is a good idea. Not anything specifically about intense erotic feelings or anything, just to make sure that the C knows the T is open to talking about their relationship.

I have been seeing my T for about 3 years.
I think I began experiencing the transference
about a year ago. I can believe how dependent I have become on him, mainly to validate my present experiences with my husband. I could never tell him about the erotic fantasies, I would be too embarrassed (OMG) and worry he would leave me. If he asked me if I experienced any feeling for him, I think I would have a hard time lying but I believe I would try my darnest. I know I'm hearing here these feelings should be discussed. I dont think my transference is affecting the real work of my therapy.

Hi, Lizzygirl. It's a tough one. Good for you if you are able to keep the transference from affecting the work of tyour therapy. That would be impossible for me. I experienced strong transference from the first time I met my T. It is hard to deal with, very. I know my T said at one point that it was important to discuss all the feelings with him, but I do not think I would be able to really do that. I don't have the erotic kind of transference, or at least I keep it at bay, more of a strong paternal feeling. It must be very difficult to deal with those emotions.

BB

BB, good luck to you with keeping the feelings at bay
I also had a strong parental kind of feeling, but since the guy is about my age, and good-looking and all, different kind of feelings arose and I am not trying to repress them anymore. He seems to be all accepting and welcoming, but I just don't know how to be with him having "these feelings", how to talk about it, how to sit, to look at him, to talk to him.
Every now and again I just stare at him and admire his body, his skin and freak out that he sees all this. This is the challenge for me, because saying to him that I love him was not a big deal at all, compared to "this"....

quote:

BB, good luck to you with keeping the feelings at bay

Thanks Amazon...ok, I feel shameful for admitting it. But this last session I got freaked out. My T always is like Gandalf to me. Old wise man, bearded and wise T, Please take me home with you and teach me how to live by the laws of the universe. I will be your disciple. groan.
But this last session-eek. He was wearing like a t-shirt or something. It ;looked weird to me. Whoa, there, wait a minute T you look like a human being in that. Then I realized...eek, he looks like a ...er...man in that. An old man, yeah, but a *darn* unbelievably manly old man. eek. It's disturbing me. I am not a person who feels guilty deep inside for feeling I can't help, but I do feel guilty that I know I would have no qualms about acting on them and that freaks me totally out, because I know, kind of from the outside, (if that makes sense) right from wrong. I'm married. Should I quit therapy if I had feelings like that? (For the record, I could never in ten zillion years tell my super religious T that stuff. I would rather croak)

BB

BB, no, you shouldn't quit therapy over this and because you are married.
These are feelings, we don't control our feelings, we may control ourselves not to act on them, but the feelings don't come to life on our demand.
I hope your T is willing to take on this stuff in therapy as well.
This is the way we are. We do have sexual feelings about people sometimes.
Now, intellecutally I understand this is normal and not such a big deal. But I do freak out and run away from this when it comes up in my sessions.

Aw, thanks for comforting words, Amazon. I think I will also continue to freak out and run away from this should it appear again. Fortunately I will never meet my T "live" so it's not as much of an issue. I guess he would be ok talking about it- I have no idea. But I'm not going there. I just can't kwim?

BB

I started this post a while back. Still have issues with transference. I have not discussed my feelings for him...Im chicken. But I have gotten upset with him when he couldn't see me, or changed my appointment, and he knows I feel insecure when he is on vacation...like now...seems like he has been on vacation more than in the office this year. That 5 weeker to Nepal almost killed me.
So this dependence on him....are these all transference issues? Or attachment feelings? He never brings any of this up in detail with me. Just mentions matter of fact like, "so you got panicky because I changed our appointment" Or, "what are you going to do when I go away, and he chuckles?" This just embarrasses me and I dont want to talk about it. Yet I long to hug him and plant a big kiss on him. He is not someone I would ever normally be attracted to which is also interesting. If he does pick up my signals, he is not disclosing it to me
which seems like the ethical thing to do from his perspective. He wouldn't want to encourage my transference if it is sexual right? I think he finds me attractive but thats it. But how does transference fit into the everyday therapeutic relationship? Should or Shouldn't it exist...doesn't this mean our relationship is working? It so confusing!!! I was late for a session, just by 10 minutes, and he called to find me sounding very concerned where I was. He is on vacation this week, and he asked if I wanted him to call me and I said yes. I'm trying to not be too dependent but like I said, maybe I'm supposed to be, but to what degree is healthy. Can anyone help me sort this out?

Hello Lizzy,

While in therapy, I always find it interesting to try to take a step back to put things in context (which usually brings clarity). For example, can you link this particular transference with a previous relationship you had or wished you had ? Or do you see any similarities between this and the symptoms/disorder that brought you to therapy ? Maybe you'd find something interesting by exploring these questions...

As a T, I always encourage the people I see to speak their mind. In your case you're 'aware' of your transference. That's half the battle. Transference in everydays life is the norm. The therapeutic setting is here, in part, to 'explore' the transference. Therapy enables the analysis of transference. Does it make sense ?

Do you think you could bring yourself to talk about it with your T ?

Well, I'm in therapy because of being in an abusive and alcholic marriage for over 30 years.
I need affection, security and trust in my life. And with the abuse, major validation needs, and I feel I need that from a man which is understandable to me.
No I couldn't ever bring myself to talk about the transference with him, unless I stumbled upon it with him or he mentions it.