probably triggering post if you have had to deal with stupid insurance people

I'm really upset and triggered. I have health insurance and technically it covers mental health care. However, because of them screwing up something in the past very badly - I don't go through them and my T sees me at a reduced rate. I do not go through them for anything with my therapy at all.

Through a really crummy serious of circumstances where an ombudsman for the insurance company said, "it's like the whole system failed in your case" the insurance company had a case manager call me and tell me point blank I "don't deserve treatment" and I should be "fully recovered" from everything I sought therapy for and I am clearly "not invested in my treatment" and it's "costing the company."

Again, they don't pay a time for any of my treatment. They pay for medical care, and they have not denied anything with my medical care.

I am not sure how this even all came about and why in the world this case manager would call me, let alone say this. They continued on to say they are mad my T won't contract with them. (yeah, she won't because of what they have done in the past.) How can I be costing them money... yet they deny nothing medically... and are demanding that they basically be responsible for paying my T? what the heck?

ok, so none of it makes sense.

Yet the words about not deserving treatment and not being better soon enough are really upsetting me. My T has said to me I have made really "amazing" progress... but now I feel like I am disgusting. I feel ashamed. I feel like a failure. I hate me and I hate the insurance.

I thought I was getting better...

I think one of the things that makes me feel even worse is feeling like I recently took really new and good steps in my therapy and have been through very healing experiences that I haven't been able to do or handle before... and then right on the heels of it, I get hit with this. Not enough. Never enough.

This hurts.

And I want to say: No. I won't believe this. I won't let them take the good things away from me. I have worked hard. I'm tired of shame. I really have had real genuine progress and I won't let them take it from me. I do deserve treatment...

but I keep landing back at: I hate me.



I probably won't keep this up for long. I dunno why. It's awful.

jane

Oh, Jane! Don't hate you. You are wonderful!!! Insurance companies make me sick. Being told I don't deserve something is one of the most triggering things in the world...because I have always tried to ask for so little, so when even what I truly can admit needing gets refused me, it's like I am worth nothing. I know how you feel. You are valuable. Your T's willingness to work directly with you shows that someone believes that. I believe it. I bet you will get a ton of other people here saying the same thing. I know it can be hard to believe it for yourself, but I hope maybe we can convince you!

(((((JANE))))

That's awful. I can't believe they called you like that. It's unconscionable! Don't let them take all the good from you. Please tell your T.

quote:

ACcept her comment as ignorance and accept yourself as the kick-ass girl we know you are.

I could not have said it any better myself!! I'm sorry that they said such ignorant things to you Jane. (((hugs)))

quote:

ACcept her comment as ignorance and accept yourself as the kick-ass girl we know you are.


I could not have said it any better myself!! I'm sorry that they said such ignorant things to you Jane. (((hugs)))

I third this Jane! More hugs to you!
(((((Jane)))))

Yaku, Liese, DF, STRM, R2G ~ wow, thank you so much. I feel awful about what they said... it hit some kind of sore spot for me. Thanks for your kind words. Triggery day today, and it helps to read your responses. Will write more later...
~jd

such a weird day. I felt numb after the person said I didn't deserve treatment. I think they said something about eating disorders after. Something about just eating. I don't remember well, I wasn't really listening well - I was trying to not freak out about what they said about not deserving treatment. Ever since the conversation, I'm really feeling a strong urge to not eat well... as if to prove the guy's point. Like I can't get well, so I might as well give in. I know this is not right thinking, but the thoughts are there... I haven't had any eating disorder kind of urges in a while. I keep telling myself to put off acting on the urge for another 10 minutes, and I've made it 24 hours so far. The urges are still there. It's gonna be a long day. I did call my T, even though she is on vacation. She called me back and I couldn't talk. My shame got the better of me. I pretty much only said "hi" and "I'm not doing so good." and then got silent and couldn't even answer any questions from her about how I wasn't doing so well. She said she could try calling back later, and I did tell her that would be good. She hasn't called back, but my phone is being glitchy and I figure she is busy on her vacation anyhow. I am kind of glad she hasn't because I'm not sure I could say anymore to her right now. I'm just shut off. Hmm, reminds me of something I read somewhere about how eating disorder stuff can be a way to numb out feelings. I seem to do that just fine without the disordered eating. stupid insurance company.

((((JD)))) I am so sorry for the way you have been treated. I'm really glad you rang your T and I hope she calls you back soon. I'm sorry you have ed urges...please don't let these ignorant people get the better for you...you are worth so much more.

Hugs
Butterfly

(((((JD))))) I'm glad you have been able to take it moment by moment and take care of yourself. Still here for you. I hope you are able to talk more with T when she calls back. Thinking of and praying for you!

thanks yaku and butterfly

((((Jane))))

I'm sorry you are having such a rough day. I am happy to hear that you reached out to your T even though it was hard to talk when she called. I hope that when she calls back you will be in a better place and able to talk a bit more and allow her to help you. WTG making it 24 hours resisting the urges. That is really something to be proud of.

Keep posting here and reaching out. We are here for you. (((hugs)))

thank you STRM for your encouragement. I hope my T calls me back soon.

I made it 24 hours, but not 48 hours resisting the ed urge. trying to not beat myself up even more about it. i so wish i hadn't done that.

quote:

Originally posted by janedoe:
I made it 24 hours, but not 48 hours resisting the ed urge. trying to not beat myself up even more about it. i so wish i hadn't done that.

You know what? It's okay. You can start a new 24 hours now...or one hour or whatever interval feels like you can make. Trust me, I understand. I don't think I've hit 24 hours without SI in the past week, but the only thing to do is just start over and go forward.

I hope you hear from your T. (((hugs)))

I know it feels like starting from scratch, but each hour, each moment even, is a victory. And the fact that one moment was not a victory does not lessen the victory of the current moment. ((((((((HUGS))))))))) I just blew eight days without hurting myself on Friday, so I am trying to claim this for myself as well.