Monte

quote:

I reckon the absence of a box of tissues might be any Ts undoing.

Well, a few weeks ago the tissue box ran out, not me crying I hasten to add (!) but she had a bit of a cold. True disaster - like an artist without a brush methinks - so we made do with a loo roll on the table-with-the-lamp-and-plant-and-clock-and-the-NO-TISSES

Not the same by any means lol

starfish

Probably the single most helpful (and ground shifting) thing my ex-T did was to let me get angry at him and he responded with total acceptance. In fact he continued to positively encourage me to get angry at him. I wasn’t only just getting permission to express hostile critical feelings at him but was being actively encouraged. That really made a huge difference to my understanding of what I needed, and also let me experience that it was actually possible to get some of what I need.

He also did and offered lots of other less ground shifting good things that all contributed to making me feel accepted in a global kind of way, little things that when I compare them to other Ts I’ve seen make me realize how his whole personal approach is uncommonly really helpful and positive.

Stuff like having a glass of water ready, (yes and the big box of tissues, right within handy reach). Being flexible with time boundaries - he wasn’t at all rigid about starting and finishing exactly on time, which actually became a benchmark for me in meeting with new Ts. He is accessible out of hours and spent a lot of his own unpaid time reading through novels that I wrote for him. He didn’t charge for the initial first (long) session and wouldn’t take money for cancelled sessions and the last session when we finished he wouldn’t take money for that. I WAS SO IMPRESSED by that and having come across Ts who seem to be concerned with extracting as much moolah as they can for as little input as possible I realize just how much integrity he has in terms of doing his job genuinely, rather than it’s being just a job. (The last nasty T I saw who terminated with me actually charged me for that session! Did even less to endear her to me lol).

But generally he was so accepting and never judged or criticized me and never held it against me when I kept challenging him about his not doing in therapy what I thought I needed. On the whole, a pretty good therapist! (Now what were my reasons for leaving...)

Lamplighter

STRM I missed the second question in your original post about what would make an ideal T and that’s got me thinking (another excuse to post a long ramble lol).

My ideal T would be someone who not only understands the words I am saying but listens for and understands the experience I’m trying to convey with those words (after all it’s not very often in therapy I would be describing some objective situation, it’s more common for me to be talking about what’s going on inside me - subjectively). My set up seems to be so unusual that I have real problems trying to get anyone to understand it so I really crave someone who has some inkling of what I’m talking about. So a T who accepts they don’t understand me and is willing over and over and over to get inside my head with me in order to understand would be fantastic!

S/he would nod, smile or frown at exactly the right time, would say the right thing that I’m needing to hear at the right time and would ask the RIGHT question at the right time. That’s a really important thing for me - to have a T who knows both to ask questions and to get the questions right.

But most of all my ideal T would be someone who is not only totally comfortable with and accepting of EVERYTHING I might feel, but actively encourages me to feel everything I’m feeling - who focuses almost exclusively on my feelings and what they mean to me and doesn’t get all caught up in intellectualizing or talking about or looking for explanations or solutions (or trying to push ME into finding explanations and solutions).

I did say ideal, didn’t I!

Lamplighter

Hm I seem to be turning into a thread killer. Well never mind here’s another helpful thing I’ve come across recently with a new T - she is the first and ONLY T in all my dealings with different therapists (trotting out the same old story) who recognized and openly acknowledged the utter horror and terrible aftereffects of a psychotic episode I had when I was young. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt that a T has taken it seriously, seriously enough to see how it was for me and how badly it affected me (usually I end up trying to ‘prove’ to Ts how unutterably awful it was and even then they don’t seem to get it). It’s the first time ever that my experience of it was validated. That’s not just helpful, it’s bloody well unbelievably amazing!!

Lamplighter the thread killer

{{{{{{{{Lamplighter}}}}}}}}}
I just want to echo what Jones said on another thread, you are not a "thread-killer", LL. Like she said, there really does seem to be an "ebb and flow" to the board, as well as to individual members posting. Right now I'm going through another period of feeling shut down and cut off even though I am reading the posts every day, wanting to respond to so many but my responses get all jumbled up before I can get them out and so I kind of "freeze" for a while. I don't know why it happens but eventually something will click back into place and I'll jump back in again like nothing happened. And it also seems that every once in a while several of our silences coincide and there's not much activity on the board in general for a while. One time in particular, I think it was around November or December of last year (?), one of those overall board silences happened when I didn't happen to be in shut-down mode, and it was really lonely for a while. I was beginning to wonder if anyone was "coming back"! There were whole days where no one posted at all. So please don't think it's because of you...it's not. The boards will pick up again eventually. They always do.

Hugs,
SG

Aw rhanks SG and Monte - I wrote the thread killer thing sort of as a joke because I ended up posting three different posts on the trot so felt like I was hogging the thread. But yeah I understand about the ebb and flow, I think I'm in running off at the mouth mode now and everyone else is laying low - bad timing lol.

But it does help to read your words because really I guess I freak out a bit at silences as Monte says taking it personally (though rationally I can argue against it - that's the only way I get to post at all actually is by squashing the inner sense that I'm talking bollocks and being incredibly presumptive at the same time.)

Also nice to know others have similar feelings sometimes. So thanks to both of you!

Lamplighter former thread killer

Oh, Lamplighter - the ebb and flow sucks, doesn't it? I tend to feel the same way. And it makes me want to stay away more. I also wholeheartedly agree with every word that SG said. I've never been able to put those same feelings into words (about the 'freeze), but she did. Sometimes I think it's me running away from getting better and improving myself. Because sometimes it's easy to pretend that life before entering therapy wasn't that bad. Ugh.

Oh and Lamplighter, you can't be a former thread killer if you never were one in the first place.

LL,

That sounds really positive about the T that recognized the magnitude of the psychotic break in your teens. I am happy to hear that you felt validated. That is so important.

I like your ideal T list. Seems reasonable to me!

Since I usually come on here to complain about T, I thought it might do me some good to contribute to this thread for a change.

My T reads to me-- erm, usually children's books.(helllllooooo transference) But it makes me feel so safe when I can curl up in a comfy chair with the blanket and he has the perfect story-telling voice.

He has this look he gives me sometimes, of sincere concern and sympathy/empathy.

He almost never breaks eye contact when I'm talking, even when I'm weeping and I honestly don't understand how he can tolerate looking at me when I'm like that, but he does.

Before I come into the office, he adjusts everything the way I like it. Two table lamps on, no overhead light, blinds closed, two water fountains on, computer and phone muted, the specific box of tissues I like next to where I sit. What a pain in the ass I am, but he never seems to mind any of this.

He knows I love to learn new words/expand my vocabulary so almost every session he tries to introduce a new word to me. (in context)

WLOH

WLOH,

That is great! Thank you for sharing the wonderful things that your T does for you. He sounds great.

Aww thanks STRM! i am fortunate to have him. most of the time

@ monte---I know, I know, right!! LMAO...I think a lot of us on here can relate to having an easier time remembering and holding onto the bad stuff. It's nice to have a thread where I can reflect on the good stuff.

She gives me a safe place to feel.
She waits for me.
She shares her experiences with me, when appropriate.
She is quick to see humor and laughs along with me.
She looks at me, sees me, hears me.
She believes me.
She "throws grace" on me.
And according to what she said today, I think a little bit of it is starting to "stick".

wow, i am impressed. this just makes me realize that i am correct in leaving T1. he tried, sometimes, and, i don't think he was being mean (ok, the child thinks he was withholding compassion in a MAJOR WAY), but the adult recons he just is not that way, a man who just doesn't get the nuances of these issues y'all discuss. one thing he did that i hated, was let his cell phone ring, he'd get up to turn it off, but truthfully, the ring tone scared the child in me. it was a really eerie sound and it scared me, and i told him and he didn't ALWAYS have it off.

i honestly think his counter-transference issues kept him from coming in too close, and i am not a narcissistic personality. (i talked to him alot about that, as my mom is and any 'becoming her' frightened me to death, and he assured me with many examples of why i am not...one being, it took me so long to get comfortable with the idea that therapy is about me, and that the spotlight on me making me uncomfortable, and the fact that i am PAYING someone to talk about me feeling so HORRIBLE, all of it just points to NOT narcissistic)

anyway, the positive note, as this is a positive thread. the things he DID do? he stayed awake (didnt know this was such a plus until T2), he was calm (maybe too calm, i'd like a little reaction to be able to feel my boundaries on sanity and insane talk)....still 'dis-ing' him....um, he....um,...he pointed me to my inexistant faith and turned that, in one sentance he said 'i don't see that you have any faith' and turned it into a, over the next long weekend, major REBIRTH that will ALWAYS be the thing i most appreciate and recall about him. so, just that one thing makes him worthwhile to me. but there is more, he validated the abuse and neglect. although that still needs, i guess, more opinions, he validated me.

so those two things are huge. but now i need a mommy to heal the inner child, and he is just not able to do that.

i am so glad to hear the things y'all say, as that gives me hope that there is someone who will be intrumental in healing that poor, broken, crumbling, frightened, insecure, crushed inner child.

mmmmmm.....

This message has been edited. Last edited by: jill,

Recently, the most helpful thing we have been doing has been an activity together.

We have been working on flashcards for me to use outside of therapy whenever I confront negative issues.

So we decided together what goes on the flashcard, and then she writes it out, and I bring stickers to decorate them with.

They are labeled on the back with a topic so I know which one to choose for a given situation.

This week I have been using the "self-motivation" one a lot because I was not feeling very motivated at work.

It really helps because they're in her handwriting so it really feels like a special message made by her just for me. And the bonus is that she sits on the couch next to me while we do them. My little me feels very special during those times.

It was my idea to do them, but I suppose she did not have to go along with it. I'm just glad she did.