I feel like such a failure. I see my T twice a week and I was doing pretty well. This past weekend was full of triggers and I (mainly other parts) fell apart a bit and now I am falling apart. Saw T yesterday and a little part processed more of a really hard memory. That should have made things better, but she still isn't better. There are these memories that were in parts and now they are all coming together and it is really hard. Saw T for extra appointment today (she had a cancellation thankfully) and she thought hypnosis or guided imagery would help. She did that and recorded it to give to me later, but it ended up upsetting a young part so then now I'm not sure she will give it to me or not. Some parts really want it and I'm afraid that T won't let me have it now. Then the little part felt like T was going to be mad because the hypnosis didn't work. She wasn't of course, but it was a fear.

So, T seems to be getting frustrated and wants someone who knows the lay of the land inside to come and help her know what to do. So I did, but if I freaking knew what to do then I'd be doing it. T is really patient thankfully and she didn't get mad. Anyway, I am going back in the morning to start work on processing all of this crap. It is going to be really rough. Yesterday was extremely hard and I don't even remember most of it. Then T says that I might have to go into the hospital over the weekend if tomorrow's session doesn't help. I don't understand that. I'm not suicidal and I'm not going to hurt anybody else either. I told her that being put in the hospital and drugged and surrounded by strangers would seriously send me into a tailspin and no way did I think that was a good idea. Not gonna happen. So, she backed off on that thankfully.

I hope that we are able to make some headway tomorrow. It is too much to get through in one session though and I know that it is going be hard.

Why can't there just be a magic wand to make all of this go away.

{{{{{{{{STRM}}}}}}}}

STRM I wish I could wave that magic wand for you. I cannot even imagine what it is like to suffer such horrible abuse that you had to divide yourself into parts to survive it, much less to integrate your individual selves back together, and to process traumatic memories while you are doing it. The only thing I can relate it to (and I'm sure this is a very poor and inadequate comparison) is how I feel after watching a violent or abusive scene in a movie (which I strenuously avoid if at all possible). It literally feels like poison, and makes me go numb. STRM, if I had actually experienced things like this, it would be so much worse in orders of magnitude...again forgive me, I know this is a bad comparison, what I am trying to say is that it is just beyond my comprehension, what you are dealing with. So please go easy on yourself, okay?

From where I am sitting you look to be running a triple marathon, and you're doing it with amazing courage and strength. I don't think you have stopped doing well...rather it sounds like you've hit a nasty uphill spot in your marathon. I can totally understand not wanting to go into the hospital and I'm glad your T backed off. I'm sorry you are facing such hard work tomorrow...I hope it helps but you know yourself, and it sounds like you know how hard it's going to be...are there friends or family who can come alongside you this weekend and help out, if necessary? And post here too, if you can, and if it helps...and either way I'll be pulling for you and your littles tomorrow.

Hugs,
SG

Thank you SG. Your post really helped.

I think you are right and I like you analogy about the uphill spot in the marathon. This isn't the first one that I've hit and it won't be the last I'm sure. I am still functioning day to day quite well. I just have to tone things down and step up the visits with T every now and then when this happens. It's just hard and I get frustrated.

I do have support at home. My husband is great and bless his heart he wants to do something to help me, but he can't fix it and that kills him. He fed the kids and put them to bed for me tonight. If I need to, I can literally spend the weekend in bed and do nothing and he would let me. I might have a week of house cleaning to show for it, but he would give me the space to do that if I needed to. I have some really good friends as well, but most of my friends aren't too aware of what is going on.

Thanks again for the support. I appreciate it.

Thank you Monte. I'm happy that you have a great husband as well. I did get lucky on that front and it sounds like you did too.

I am in the process of making a list for my session tomorrow of things that my T and I can do to help the little part in the processing. Hopefully that will help make it not so intense.

Thank you for the support. It means a great deal.

STRM,

I wanted to offer my support even though I have no words of wisdom, and damn I don't have a magic wand either.

What you are going through sounds so completely excruciating and exhausting. The process being bumpy and not going the way or as quickly as you would choose does not make you a failure. I hope you can see that.

I am so glad you have the support of your husband. I hope you can take full advantage of that to take care of yourself until you are feeling a bit more up to things.

I am really sorry you have to go through this.

Thanks Seablue. The upside of being me is that I don't have many feelings and can get things done. The bad side is that I'm a perfectionist and want things done a certain way and on a certain timetable. This isn't one of those things that lends itself to that rigidity. I had to take over 100% today because the constant panic attacks were throwing my entire inside system into a tizzy. Ack!

I hope that my talking about my inner parts doesn't freak everyone out. I know that not many of us here talk about it even if we do have DID. I used to hide it more, but you know what? I didn't choose it and I certainly didn't choose what caused it so it feels like I shouldn't have to hide it. However, I also don't want to make others here uncomfortable.

STRM, I actually want to thank you for talking about your inner parts like this. It certainly doesn't freak me out, though I'm really sorry you are having to work *so* hard at the moment to keep things together, and that you and your T both seem to feel stuck with what to do next. I'm really hoping for you that tomorrow offers some kind of forward movement.

When you and Draggers write about (or through) the different parts it feels really special for me for a couple of reasons. One is that I know there's a whole lot of trust involved in sharing this with us. The other is that I (and I believe others) relate to the feelings you describe so powerfully, even though I don't have any experience of DID. I think for me it is like seeing a really clear painting of something that is foggy inside me. Like I have different emotional 'bits' of me that work in their own ways that I need to get to know and understand and maybe integrate, though they are not for me different states of consciousness. You have whole characters, whole identities inside you, and it's like seeing that process in incredibly vivid detail. I really value reading about that experience.

I am sorry your T suggested hospital when it's not a good option right now, that would be really awful. I love SG's triple marathon image and I think that's right. I hope you can get all the gentle care you need to set things upright again - and that the run gets much easier for you very soon.

J

STRM - Jones just said PERFECTLY how I feel about it when you and Draggers talk about (and through) your different parts. So I would just like to strenuously second what she said.

SG

No, I really feel that it is a gift to us that you and Dragonfly are open about your DID. It's a gift of trust, and we certainly will do everything we can not to damage that trust, here...oh, we are rooting for you while you chug along up that hill!
I am so sorry for the pain of your little one, there...I know the words are not adequate, but I hope the little one will feel safer and calmer soon, STRM.

BB

Hi STRMS,
you started this thread when i was in the land of nod,so i am sorry its taken a while for me to respond.
I am so sorry that you are finding things tough too with your processing....if its any comfort, i am struggling too with sophie and her memories.I so dont want to write about me,and appear self centred etc...but i dont know how to respond to you with out doing it.........so i am sorry and forgive us.
It sounds like you have got into a position where i was at with sophie a couple of weeks ago.she just couldn't pull it all together and it sounds like your little is stuggling to cope too.
My T uses guided imagery too...it can be extremely helpful in recall.....is it really important to you to have this tape? would it be better if your little told your T what was troubling her and what part of the content she didn't want anyone to hear and then your T could either erase it ?
i totally understand how it can be so frightening for our littles to hear these things on tape.....how vulnerable it makes them feel...they dont have our adult resoning and mine equally get upset and scared.....look what happened on here not long ago. i was happy to write a novel about my system, name them all and tell everyone about them and they slowly, one by one went into melt down
oh, i just read abit further and you say that the hypnosis didn't work.....ohhhh

quote:

So, T seems to be getting frustrated and wants someone who knows the lay of the land inside to come and help her know what to do. So I did, but if I freaking knew what to do then I'd be doing it.

well, i have got to say, i wouldn't know what to do either!!!I'm not sure how you being up front was going to help really,except to stop her being so scared.

I was put in hospital 2 weeks ago , because of Sophie STRMS...She was so out of control and so was my system that I had to go for my own safety..my littles and i were absolutely petrified,and that is an understatement!!!!! I too wasn't suicidal.but she did want to cut.....i am normally extremely stable, i have never been in hospital ever......but even i realised rationally that i had to go...i think you know when you need to do something and it sounds like you haven't reached that point.
I just want to say to you, that i wasn't drugged and locked in some dark little room..... i had a very nice en suite room over looking the gardens of the hospital...i was obviously surrounded by people i didnt know....which actually scared the living daylights out of me as well......but i had my T and P with me, when they could get away....they were very helpful and we did some extremely difficult processing whilst in there.......what was horrendous for me was the other patients, they terrified me and my CP's.so they let me stay in my room and let me have a tv so i didn't have to go and sit with the other patients.
This all said, i am glad that your T backed off......its hard enough to deal with these memories and even harder to have CP's that are recounting their stories and feeling total overwhelm....you dont need to be somewhere and be terrified and feel unsafe as well.
good luck in your session......hugs from my littles to yours .
dragonfly

Jones: Thank you. I appreciate your words and acceptance. It means so much.

SG: Thank you again for your kind words and acceptance as well.

BB: Thank you for the reassurance and kind words.

DF: Sharing your story and experience is not self centered and I gain so much from hearing your (and others) perspectives and how their stories relate. So, please always feel free to share your story and point of view!

It does sound similar to what Sophie has been going through. Fortunately, Little Kate is not the cutter so I don't have that concern. That is why I don't understand why the hospital would do anything other than scare the crap out of all of us right now. That loss of control right now would be devastating. Fortunately, I was able to explain that to T (having an overview of everyone myself) and she took that off the table. I'm not sure that I would even be able to see T while there. I guess it might be different if the purpose was to do some really intense processing with her while there, but really I think it would just be to put me somewhere between appointments. I might be miserable but I can keep myself safe and so can my husband.

Anyway, Little Kate wasn't upset by the hypnosis itself as much as she was upset that it didn't fix the problem. She felt like she did something wrong and that T was going to be mad or disappointed with her because she still felt bad. Of course T wasn't, but that fear is always there.

Thank you for the hugs and support. I am leaving in about an hour and will update later. We came up with a good list of things that might help during the session so I am hopeful that it won't be quite as stressful for Little Kate as it might otherwise be.

(((((STRMS and DF)))))))

I didn't see this until this morning also. I too want to heartily agree with what Jones said. The trust you display towards us is immense and I feel very honored to be on the other end of it. And you have my very deepest respect. I know what a struggle my life has been to handle marriage, children and healing from abuse and there have been so many points at which it really felt overwhelming and I was facing nowhere near the difficulties that both of you face in having so many of you to take care of. I honestly can't begin to imagine what you face on a daily basis, but yet you do it, and are working so hard to heal and then taking time out to help support other people. Your courage, strength and compassion are humbling and I feel so grateful for the example you set.

AG

STRMS
Oh I am only just in from work and so sorry I couldn't have replied sooner, but the others have really said all I wanted. STRMS, I am so very sorry that you have to go through this at all, I feel so sad for you and feel your pain through the words you wrote.

But also I read what you wrote and realised the power of the work you are doing with the difficult memory that you talk of; I can only imagine, yet I know that you will be going through a living hell to unearth and process it. It is such hard work STRMS, the impact of which is enormous. You are incredibly brave to keep battling at it, but you must, to free yourself of these dreadful memories and be free....the beautiful person that you are, wihout living in constant fear of the past. I tell myself this over and over...that someday I will be free of all this and you will too STRMS.

So let yourself be helped by people now, as you were not helped then, lean on those who want to walk with you and don't give yourself a second of a hard time. My T always tells me 'it's different now, you don't have to do this on your own any more.' And that's true, there will be an end to this particular memory, there may be more though that comes out with it, so bide your time and hold on tight, we are all with you.

Little Kate, you hang in there too and feel safe to tell all you need to. Nothing you did or can do now, is bad or wrong at all x

I hope your session today helps to make you feel safer, if only a little. Let your dear husband care and nurture you over the weekend, I know mine sometimes feels at a loss of how he can help, but just by being quietly there for you, looking after the children and letting you rest when you need, he is doing so much.

(((((((((((STRM))))))))))))

starfish

quote:

I didn't choose it and I certainly didn't choose what caused it so it feels like I shouldn't have to hide it.

You are absolutely right, STRM! This is not your shame! It has helped me so much to read your story. I appreciate and admire the strength you have to share it.

I hope today went well. Here's a big hug (((((STRM)))))and a cup of cold spring water <> for your journey. Take it and rest here in the shade. ^^^^^^^ You have worked very hard.

I hope you are surrounded with lots of support this weekend!

deeplyrooted

Thank you AG, Starfish and Deeplyrooted. Your support means so much to me. There is more I want to say, but this migraine is kicking my butt. The acceptance and compassion that you have all (everyone here) shown means so much.

Starfish: My T says that same thing to me all of the time. "It's over now, you don't have to go through it alone this time. We will go through this together". I swear sometimes I think we have the same T. I know we don't, but man!