Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting, although I have been reading invisibly for many weeks now. What a fabulous community you all have here! It's been so interesting to observe and to learn a little bit about some other people's experiences in and perspectives regarding therapy.

I started therapy a couple months ago. This is the first time I've worked with a therapist and it's been really good. I was initially quite choosy about selecting a therapist and I'm glad because I've been quite happy with the one I've chosen. I'm in therapy for a variety of issues-- phobia, anxiety, depression, an on and off problem with SI, adjustment disorder, etc. Lol, typing the litany out in a list like that makes it all look rather daunting. It's weird because most of the time I feel fine and most people would have no idea there's anything "wrong" with me (at least I don't think so), other than occasional nervousness. Anyway.

I've been making progress in therapy and it's generally been going on swimmingly. Then, just a few days ago, I unexpectedly discovered that I am pregnant. Oh gracious. I've gone through sooo many feelings in the last few days-- fear, excitement, happiness, joy, confusion, acceptance, embarrassment, calm, nervousness, etc. But what I'm mostly feeling right now is fear of telling my T.

What on earth will she think? How on earth will she react? She's bound to think I'm crazy and irresponsible, I fear, and I just don't want to deal with judgement and negativity from her. A simple congratulations would be great, but I find myself expecting disapproval. Even though I'm an adult in a stable and mostly happy marriage, it's hard to imagine that she would consider me psychologically fit enough to be taking on a pregnancy. In a way I agree, but. . . these things happen. I just wish I knew how she is likely to respond, or even what sort of response would be most appropriate. I feel like an unwed teen about to break the news to the parents, lol. Lots of trepidation.

Can anyone relate to this? Any advice, suggestions, predictions?

My next session is tomorrow evening, btw.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: heldincompassion,

Hey Draggers,

Thanks so much for the kind reply and the congratulations. It's awesome that your T had such a positive attitude towards your pregnancy. That was a good story for me to hear. It hasn't even occurred to me to hope for that from mine. . . I've just been hoping she'll be able to control how aghast she appears, lol. It would be wonderful to be pleasantly surprised by a positive response.

Welcome to the forum, Heldincompassion! Love the name.

I'm guessing that this is your first pregnancy? My first was also unexpected...and I was NOT married at the time (although I married the father a few months later and am still married to him, and that baby now has a sibling ). I wasn't in therapy at the time, and I can't now give you an exact list of my diagnoses (although my T recently gave me the diagnosis of "adjustment disorder" because the insurance wouldn't pay up unless she was more specific), but I can most definitely relate to a sense of panic at finding out I was going to be a MOTHER, because I knew enough about myself to know I was going to have plenty of challenges filling that role. I had actually planned on staying single with NO children, so...obviously my plans changed. But at the time, just thinking about that MOTHER label being applied to me send me into a panic for many days after finding out I was pregnant, as it did again once that baby was outside my body. I think maybe you have similar fears coming up, and are thinking your T will have the same fears...but it will be okay, I think your T will be very happy for you...and you WILL "grow into" your new role, as I have (and still am!! ). So with that...WELCOME...and CONGRATULATIONS, "Mom"!! You will be great!!

Peace,
SG

p.s. There was a very lovely poem on the wall of the room where I gave birth to my first child, and I wish I could remember what it was called. I've searched the internet with what I remember but I can't find it. It was something like no one can be a "perfect" mom, but that you will be perfect enough for the child you are given...I cried when I read it...it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear at that moment, because I was feeling SO overwhelmed. If I find it I'll share it with you.

Hi Heldincompassion (great name!)

Welcome to the forums! I don't have much to add to the wonderful wisdom you've already heard from Draggers and SG which I very much agree with. I think your therapist will be very happy for you. I was in therapy when I got pregnant with both my kids and my T was thrilled for me. And give yourself credit that you are dealing with your issues NOW, which will really help you as a parent. You will make a great mother. I've never seen a BAD mother worry about her parenting skills. The fact that you're scared means you're taking your responsibility to your child seriously.

I'm so glad you decided to post and ask for support. Looking forward to getting to know you.

AG

Strummergirl--

Thanks for the welcome and the encouraging reply. You're right-- I'm probably projecting my own fears and sense of inadequacy on my T. I just have this scary vision of her saying, "Girl, I can't handle the stupid choices you make anymore! Consider yourself terminated."

Anyway. I'm certainly going to give motherhood my best shot. It seems a bit overwhelming right now, but one day at a time. At least I do love babies.

Attachment Girl--

Thanks. I hope you are right that working on my issues now will turn out to be best for my baby. I guess I'm a little concerned about how pregnancy is going to effect the work I'm doing in therapy. It just seems like I was making so much progress (at least I thought so) and that now is not a great time for a "complication" like this to arise. Surely my T will think the same? Oh well. I'll find out tomorrow.

Thanks permafrost! I will definitely update this thread to let everyone know how it goes.

It's funny that you used to speculate about how your T would react to an unexpected pregnancy. I used to wonder that about my parents a lot when I was single, even though at the time I wasn't up to anything that could at all result in pregnancy, haha. Maybe it's just a way of wondering how competent our authority figures really think we are? Or maybe it's a way of wondering how accepting and supportive they would be if needed.

Welcome heldincompassion!

I can relate to this a bit. I don't have a "list" of diagnoses, but T and I are using DID as a working diagnosis. I probably won't get pregnant unexpectedly, because I had to use Clomid to get pregnant with my first daughter, but even after we started talking diagnosis, my T asked me about whether we thought we'd like Boo (who is nearly three) to have more siblings. It was a hard question for me to hear, because: 1. H is not willing until finances are better; and 2. I didn't think it was OK for me to want to have another with where I'm at in this whole therapy thing. It hurts, because now is around when I would want to be trying to get pregnant. Anyway, that aside, when I told him "probably not" and got upset, he asked, "Why not?" and genuinely seemed to think we should have more eventually. He didn't push me on it (that would have been weird), but he thinks I'm a great mom to Boo and didn't see anything he knows from our experiences together in therapy as a barrier to me having more kids. So, I wouldn't necessarily expect a bad reaction from your therapist. I do agree with your last comment about the competence and acceptance of past authority figures factoring in to how we predict our Ts will react.

A side note, I had the BEST experience in the bathroom outside of the therapy office the other day. I was interacting with Boo, unaware that anyone else was in the bathroom. Just usual Mommy stuff, getting her to use the potty, wash her hands, being playful and talking with her. A woman (stranger) comes out and says, "You know, you're a really great mom!" and engages me in a bit of chat about it. Two weeks later, I see this woman in the lobby of the therapy office (it's in a big office building, so I assumed she worked elsewhere)...turns out she is a T. So, a T observing me how I normally am with my daughter when no one is around said I am a great mom! Not the best, not perfect. Anyway, I know a lot of the people on here are moms and really great ones, even if they don't feel great about it all the time. I agree with the others that being concerned about what sort of parent you are or will be is part of what makes a great parent. That sort of introspection will go a long way.

Hi heldincompassion,

CONGRATULATIONS

That's lovely news! Well I have 2 children and lots of difficulties but what I experienced has made me even more determined to be the best mum I could possibly be. My kids are both at Uni now, but I know that they know they are loved and cared for and that there has never been a day when they would not have known that. In return I know they love and care for me and DH and are not afraid to say so.

Whatever I have to confess to experiencing in T in my past, that so affects me now, and whatever I struggle with in life, I know that my T knows I am a good mum and has told me so many a time.

Enjoy your pregnancy, it's a really special time. Look after you and get rest when you can. I am sure your T will be as thrilled as we all are here.

starfishy

Thanks yakuso and starfish! It's great to know that so many on here are fabulous moms who have their Ts cheering them on! I feel inspired (and a bit more hopeful).

Hello, Held...congratulations on bringing a beautiful new life into the world. Welcome here. I was initially diagnosed with adjustment disorder, too, unfortunately my dx was changed to something a bit more serious, but at the time I thought "what the heck is that?" At that time, my T assured me that it is considered the mildest diagnoses, and that it fits so many people. So that was a relief! So just know that you are not crazy person to be having a child, that many people suffer with the same issues and make marvelous parents. I have a sister with PTSD and she is truly the best mom, and her kids are fine, happy, and as well-adjusted as anybody can be..
I also wanted to share, that even when I was in a very deep depression, I once told my T that I wanted another child, and all he said was "that is wonderful!" I am sure that your T will be supportive! Being a parent is sure scary, and we all make a lot of mistakes, but it is also the best, really- the best. You are going to love it.

Hugs and welcome!

BB

Congrats. I agree with what others have said - Bad mothers never ask themselves if they are going a good or bad job - they just do. They don't review, adapt, improve or think introspectively.

If you are thinking about all this now, you are preparing and adjusting - this is all a great thing.

When people ask or comment or think about whether a pregnancy is unexpected or not - I think EVERY pregnancy is unexpected - it is never a given. Even if ppl are trying, are fertile, everything is perfect, everyone in good health, they are happy, secure, finances are great - you know my point - the perfect situation - if you get pregnant - it is still unexpected. You still have a large period of adjustment - and then when the baby comes - everything changes and you have to go through more adjustment.

In a way those of us who regularly see T's - we are better positioned to be helping ourselves adjust and cope because we have professional help on hand.

I severely struggled with my first child because I had no idea what was 'normal'. There were a lot of changes in my life and I didn't know what was happening. Then depression hit me and I had to get T help. But,,,, for my next pregnancies I was proactive and did many preventative sessions with T while I was pregnant and after. I joined support groups, surrounded myself with other mums and mums to be, i listened and learned and asked for help. It was still hard - but I wasn't naive or as hard on myself.

Having a T already is the best thing in my opinion. I wonder how you went with her today? let us know.

Heldincompassion,

I just realized I left out the most important part! Congratulations! You're bringing a new life into the world! (sorry this part is a little late.

AG

First of all, thanks for the additional support, congratulations, and encouragement, blackbird, Some Days, and AttachmentGirl. I love that I'm getting such positive responses around here!

So, my session today was fun, actually. It went a lot better than I was initially fearing. My T seemed to agree that the timing wasn't perfectly ideal (there are a variety of reasons for that, no need to get into them all here), but she didn't give a hint of a breath of disapproval or doubt of my potential to be a decent parent. She spoke positively of what she called my strength, competence, and capabilities. It was actually pretty sweet, the whole session. It felt warm, supportive, and nurturing. At one point I found myself looking intently at her to gauge her reaction, and she was smiling at me, very sincerely and with a lot of gentleness. The accepting, friendly, and helpful vibe she was giving off through the whole session was so great after all the worries I had, lol.

Thanks again to everyone here for your perspectives and encouragement that it would not be so terrible today. Turns out you all were right!

Welcome to the forum HIC
Big congratulations on your pregnancy, so exciting, and so pleased your session was such a happy time!
, Morgs

great news- thanks so much for updating. I love that your T was so warm and supportive. She sounds great!

How are you feeling these days? btw, I highly recommend "preggie pops" for morning sickness!

hug,

Beebs