I am up getting ready for an inspection.

I saw my old T for well over a decade and I really thought that we were going to be friends when she retired. But no that was not the case. She did things that clearly lead me to believe we'd be friends. ANyway, long story short I had that maternal longing with her too and I have to tell you that it is all but dead in me now. I doubt I will ever seek that out again. I realize now that I will never be able to replace what I lost. I can only grieve it and get support for it. But facing that loss leaves me feeling dead inside. I have been told that there is another side to this that will eventually emerge but I don't see that light at the end of the tunnel yet.

My new T wants me to have these feelings toward her. I can tell she does because she keeps saying that it's okay if I do. She says that whenever I tell her that my feelings toward her are not as intense as toward my old T and that I don't think they ever will be that intense. That is why I am sticking with the new t for now. Because I don't want all that agony right now. Plus I really think I finally have that it is irreplacable and impossible to make up for what I lost in childhood.

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Plus I really think I finally have that it is irreplacable and impossible to make up for what I lost in childhood.

Dear Jo,
I stated those very feelings to my T and she insists that those feelings are capable of being completely healed. Even when you lose a loved one in death it never feels like you will ever get over it and that a it will hurt this way forever, but eventually that does fade.

In this case what has happened to us as far as the attachment process goes, the brains neuroplasticity is amazing and it can be restored. Despite what you are going through with your new T I wanted to pass this along because neurologically speaking there is hope and I want you to know that.

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The problem is that this unconscious fantasy completely conflicts with the intense anger that I also have for him, and this generates an incredible amount of anxiety. Does this make sense?

This is a pretty new development, so I'm not sure what we'll do about it. But it is scaring the living crap out of me.

Oh Russ, this must be so agonizing and yes, it makes complete sense! I can't help but to relate to the anxiety and torment in this way; that as a child we are so vulnerable and willling to just lay our hearts wide open for our parents expecting and wanting them to fill it with love and gentle caring and we have every right to expect that. Instead we get it ripped apart by their sometimes "selfish" inability to understand their vital role in our most intimate needs. We are helpless infants when we enter their lives and we remain feeling helpless and hopeless throughout life when they fail to provide for our innate needs. It's frustrating w/o having to even be aware of it because the vital neurological connections that were never made just keep misfiring deep inside.

It's no wonder why some of us long and ache for our T's in the way that we do and that it manifests itself with a sexual pull, another inate desire that is strongly connected with loving and being loved.

Lately I have noticed that I've been doing a lot of eye searching in my T. Looking deep into her eyes and following them very closely. I am thinking this is an infantile process like when a nursing baby peers deeply into his/her mothers eyes. I feel a strong connection with her this way, like there is a whole other unspoken conversation taking place between us.

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Lately I have noticed that I've been doing a lot of eye searching in my T. Looking deep into her eyes and following them very closely. I am thinking this is an infantile process like when a nursing baby peers deeply into his/her mothers eyes. I feel a strong connection with her this way, like there is a whole other unspoken conversation taking place between us.

JM,
Thanks for posting about this. I've been thinking about making a point of seeking out eye contact since I had such a crisis of trust since my last appt. That I need to look into my Ts eye to seek out the "realness" of the relationship. I know that in times in the past, when I've had deep eye contact (usually not for very long, because I get too embarrassed) I really see home in his eyes. The place where I'm accepted for who I am, cherished for who I am and welcomed. Its incredibly healing. Reading your post is such an encouragement to look my Ts in the eye tomorrow.

I remember reading in General Theory of Love that our nervous systems are open, when we make deep eye contact with another human being, our nervous systems actually join in a closed loop formed by our limbic systems. You are not imagining that whole other conversation. It's deep and non-verbal but very real.

AG

BTW, CT, I just wanted to add that I experience both a very intense erotic transference and paternal transference with my T. And I understand the EWWWW factor. I was sexually abused by my dad and sometimes I think the erotic transference is an attempt to make this go the way I think it "should" go. Actually my T has explained a number of times that I tend to eroticize all my relationships because sex was part of a relationship where it should never have been and part of the damage is that on some level I think all relationships with men should involve sex.

There's also the belief that the only way I can get some of what I need is to take care of someone else's needs. So for a long time, I unconsciously believed that unless I had sex with my T, I could not get what I needed from him. There was one time when I was working through really not wanting to trust my T because I believed I would just get hurt again (I did a LOT of that) and I actually asked him (I flinch when I think of this now, comparing him to my father) what the difference was between him and my father? Why should I expect anything different to happen? He gave me a very simple but powerful answer. He told me "your relationship with me is all about your needs, your relationship with your father was, wrongly, all about his needs."

So I get why its all jumbled up for mel. Because it was all jumbled up and at a time where it should distinctly not have been. There's a reason that sex is an adult activity.

One other thing, I have come to realize over time that strong erotic feelings are usually a sign that I'm trying to avoid something painful. I seem to seek merger and or power balance more at times when I'm trying to avoid grief.

So I totally get both going on.

AG

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That I need to look into my Ts eye to seek out the "realness" of the relationship.

this sounds like an incredibly wonderful and at the same time VERY scary thing to do!!! thanks so much for posting this jm and ag, it gives me a bit of courage to perhaps contemplate it myself... (one day)

Songbird,
Wonderful and scary is an excellent way to put it!

AG

how do you do think though all that fear though??? my brain gets the idea of it but the rest just can't seem to go there. i'm trying little bits at a time but only ever feeling drenched in tears or dead scared seems no way forward!

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when we make deep eye contact with another human being, our nervous systems actually join in a closed loop formed by our limbic systems. You are not imagining that whole other conversation. It's deep and non-verbal but very real.

AG,
That is exactly what I was thinking when I was posting that. Thank you! I loved that book because of the way it explains what is going on and thus made me feel that what I am experiencing is ok and even scientific. I don't think that w/o knowing this I would have let myself experience this prolonged eye contact with my T. It is sort of uncomfortable at first because in most cases we make eye contact with people with intermitten shifts away. But this has been piercing eye contact right to the soul where I feel her energy transmitting toward me. Very real, very genuine, and very deep. ANd she so willingly shares this deep connection with me and I know she must feel it too. I can't help but feel that she is so kind and loving to give this much of herself. She is always talking, in fact she reminded me as I left last week that there is a part of her that exists within me and is mine to draw on whenever I need it. *lump in throat*

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how do you do think though all that fear though???

SB,
I don't believe any thinking is involved, in fact thinking sometimes needs to be pushed aside to make room for the emotional processing. The whole left brain/right brain struggle cna be tedious, but eventually we get there...slooooowly. All the tears you are drenched in are what you need to experience. Allow yourself to experience the feelings, not the thinking. You're doing just what you brain needs to do. But I know the inate need to want to intellectualize every thing to give it validity. But it really needs to be emotional and those are very seperate aspects of our brain.

In short, I guess what I'm saying SB, is even though it doesn't feel like it, you're doing good.

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In this case what has happened to us as far as the attachment process goes, the brains neuroplasticity is amazing and it can be restored. Despite what you are going through with your new T I wanted to pass this along because neurologically speaking there is hope and I want you to know that.

Thank you JM for giving me that bit of hope. It's very hard to grasp though. It feels like it's going to kill ya when you're in it. I guess that's why I have always sought out a "replacement mom" because to stop doing that means I am hit with this wall of impossible grief. The truth is I am standing on the ledge about to dive in. Searching for that mother figure has proven to be so painful in and of itself.

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Searching for that mother figure has proven to be so painful in and of itself.

Yes, I know. Jo, I always thought I was the only personage in the universe who was constantly searching for a mother. It is such a painful process going through life looking at prospective options and silently questioning; "Will you be my mother?"

I don't know about you but I often felt confused and even guilty for already having a mom and needing a mother so badly that it hurt. I never found anyone who was willing to fill in, or more likely that I allowed in. As much as I searched and longed for it, I wouldn't allow myself to receive it and believed there was something frighteningly wrong with me. I still feel the power of self rejection as projected rejection. It hurts so deeply and I get so sad when I reach out and don't get a response. This little girl inside of me still feels all alone.

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think though all that fear though

that's such a freudian slip - was meant to read 'get through'. but it feels sooooo hard at the moment that i'm probably looking for an easy way out. ha!

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As much as I searched and longed for it, I wouldn't allow myself to receive it and believed there was something frighteningly wrong with me. I still feel the power of self rejection as projected rejection. It hurts so deeply and I get so sad when I reach out and don't get a response. This little girl inside of me still feels all alone.

YES! I know exactly how you feel. I thought there was something terribly wrong with me too. Sometimes I still do. That's why this online group is so cool because here is a group of people who are not only talking openly about their very private experiences but they (we) are also giving each other support. I can't talk to my friends about the stuff we talk about here. It's odd to find this sort of thing online of all places.

About your little girl inside... Have you ever seen her? If so what did you do? I saw mine and immediately I wanted to pawn her off to someone else. Then I had this dream that I was walking along the river shore like I often do. And there was this little girl about 4 years old and I picked her up and brushed the hair out of her face and silently carried her on my walk. I know it was my inner child. It was an odd dream. I felt connected yet in some ways really did not want it. I am not sure she did either.

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Have you ever seen her? If so what did you do? I saw mine and immediately I wanted to pawn her off to someone else. Then I had this dream that I was walking along the river shore like I often do. And there was this little girl about 4 years old and I picked her up and brushed the hair out of her face and silently carried her on my walk. I know it was my inner child. It was an odd dream. I felt connected yet in some ways really did not want it. I am not sure she did either.

*GULP*
Yes, I finally seen her for the first time about a year and a half ago. It was an emotionally haunting experience. I was able to see her curious eyes that looked as though she had been waiting for me to show up all these years and hoping I was ready for this incredible journey to begin. She tends to be quite percocious with so much to teach me, and other times she is a very sad, pitiful, little girl in need of "my love and understanding," ranging in age from about 3-10. My T encouraged me to take her by the hand and we've never parted since. Sometimes it is like I feel her tugging inside me trying to get my attention, though sometimes I feel that she has the floor and the little imp is not willing to give it up.

Lately, I have also discovered other personas within me that seem to be looking for a voice and i'm not sure what all of that signifies just yet. Could be just fragments but they are all male so far, so we shall see.

But I love how you dreamed of your little girl self, Jo. That is a very touching dream and I understand the hesistancy. It is a lack of self love and acceptance. I finally had to tearfully promise my little girl self that I would never supress or abandon her again. And I did this in front of my T who swore she'd never let me forget that promise either. And she doesn't.

my T is teaching me how to be that mother my little girl self has always been searching for.

JM- your post made me cry. I have rejected my little girl self over the years as someone I had no time for. I used to tell myself that she is in the past and I am an adult now.

I started to see her after everything that I went through and I literally took out pictures of myself as a toddler and would look at them and cry. I framed one and put it in my apartment where I can see it everyday. I don't cry when I think of or see that little girl anymore, but she wants her daddy and is looking all over for him.

I want Dr. X to be my daddy...and I want him to be my lover, so I know all about the mixed transference and the ick factor of it. I was ignored by my dad (unless he was verbally abusing me) and he only seemed to value very beautiful women who were usually naked or mostly naked, like the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, and this preference was proudly displayed. At the same time, I received all these negative messages about sex and how my status as female basically made me a liability because I could become pregnant and bring shame on the family. Oh the horror! So I think my worth in a man's eye is totally tied to if he finds me sexually desirable.

Back to that little girl, I have often felt like Dr. X took her little hand and walked with her when she needed it the most, when everyone else had just left her to fend for herself.

SG