HB

Thanks! Early morning for you, evening for me - I'm gonna go to bed with a grin on my face.

I know the support, advice and tremendous amount of strength you guys all give me, helped. I did tell my T that I have a bunch of cyber friends that I talk to every day, and that we talk about these things. I think it kind of amused her at first, but now I think she sees the benefit of it. You have helped me to get past some of the most terrifying things that I am afraid to say. All of you guys ROCK!

PL

That's GREAT PL!!!

I can't tell you have relieved I am...reading your post. I am sooooo glad that it went the way it did for you. Remember it...always.

((((PL))))

here's a puppy for you....

SD

Thanks so much. I will remember this and it will be a warm feeling in my heart for a very long time.

Thanks for the darling puppy. He makes me melt. Just wish I could take him out out that cage.

PL

Oh PL!!!!!!
I have the biggest smile on my heart and a joyful tear in my eye for you right now. From the way you have described your T I knew that she would be so warm and caring. What a heartwarming experience. Thank you for sharing. You probably woke up with that smile on your face too didn't you? I know you did. I am sure your T had a smile the rest of the day too.

I get to see "my T mommy" today. I swear I am turning into the biggest baby. That is how I truly feel about her though. When I say I want my mommy that is who I mean. I get so lonely for her between sessions that it feels unbearable anymore. I told her that on the phone yesterday. She returned my call from Monday night and I told her I was feeling a lot better now, but that I like hearing from her anyway, and she sort of laughed. I think it was a good laugh. She said that I can have appts twice a week for a while if I need to (again) so I will go in today and she will let me know what she has available for Friday. I hate spending this kind of money...I'd rather save my $$$ for "retail therapy" but I need this more. Not to mention, retail therapy is actually more expensive. Ssshh! Don't tell hubby.

I sure hope I get somewhere today. I've been spending a lot of time crying during my sessions, audibly sobs too. I never seem to get to finsish one thiing before several other things come up each week that I am having to turn my attention to. I think you mentioned that problem too PL? Does anybody else have that experience? Like you have so much going on that is so important that you can never seem to finsih anything? I guess therapy isn't a neat orderly process anyway. My T doesn't seem too concerned and thinks we will get to everything, eventually. I guess she is planning on me sticking around for a long time too. ($cha-ching$) Last week she seemed reluctant to putting off the CSA issue, but she also knew that my abandonment issues came up really strong and hard and I needed to confront those feelings.

I can't believe how wild my emotions are lately. It makes me a little nervous to be so emtionally open. I would never have allowed this exposure 2 years ago. I feel like such a little kid and there is no stopping it now.
Lord help me!
JM

quote:

Originally posted by Just Me:

I never seem to get to finsish one thiing before several other things come up each week that I am having to turn my attention to. I think you mentioned that problem too PL? Does anybody else have that experience? Like you have so much going on that is so important that you can never seem to finsih anything?

JM,

All the time...and I go THREE times a week.

Russ

JM

Yes, I'm still grinning from ear to ear! Thanks for your happiness for me. I have more to say about what you posted, but got to get to school right now. As much as I love that we are from all over the world here, I wish we were in the same time zone. It would make talking to each other so much easier. You're probably ready for a morning snack and I'm just shoveling breakfast into me!

I'll get back to you later.

PL

PL,
That is so awesome! I know what kind of courage it took to talk to your T about this; you took an incredible step to risk asking about this. And your T sounds wonderful, she responded so perfectly. And I know how much that handshake means. I did fail to mention that although my T is strictly no hugs, he shakes my hand on my way out at the end of each session. That handshake and the eye contact that goes with it provides me with what I need to get to the next session.

Savor the joy and know that although there may be times where it feels scary again, you've made permanant headway in your healing.

You've made my heart glad.

AG

JM,
Once again you sound perfectly normal to me.
(I know, I know, you have to consider the source!) Therapy is very messy. I think its one of the most confusing things you'll ever do. But that makes sense, the nature of trauma is that it comes at you too hard and fast so of course it feels overwhelming and confusing when you're trying to sort it out.

And you're right to worry about the secure base ahead of the actual trauma. You can't process the trauma without feeling safe enough to do so. So although you feel like you're not getting anywhere, you're actually galloping full speed. I hope you have a wonderful session with your amazing T and can feel more stable and secure.

And Russ you sound pretty normal too.

AG

quote:

I hate spending this kind of money...I'd rather save my $$$ for "retail therapy" but I need this more.

JM

I really understand this. It costs so much to go to therapy and sometimes I feel like I am spending too much money on myself that could be used for my family. But someone else told me that I should look at how much my going to therapy IS helping my family. When I look at it like that, I can see that she is right. My family is benefiting greatly from the changes I am making in myself. Although, I haven't told my husband I am going TWO times a week. I just don't know how to explain to him that I need her that much.

The thing about getting sidetracked by many other issues can be disconcerting for me too. Sometimes I feel like I had a really good session and I've made a breakthrough, and I'm looking forward to discussing it more at the next session, and then something else happens. I'm so upset about the new thing and we spend the whole session talking about that. Then I'm angry on my way home because I feel I got jipped out of what I wanted to talk about. I've mentioned this to my T and told her that I sometimes resent spending my session talking about other things (my son for instance). She says, "But these things are about you too. We are still working on you." She is right and she also doesn't seem concerned about this (like your T JM). I just know how hard it is to have so many things hanging around being unresolved.

So JM, you make a whole lot of sense. I hope your session goes well today. And welcome to the two times a week club. Does this mean we are nuttier than everyone else?? Just kidding. No, I like to look at is as getting more of my needs filled, because I would be really nutty if I didn't see her two times a week!

PL

Soulful did you draw that puppy?

If you did you did a great job!

I see my therapist two to three times a week right now and I feel that I can't even begin to touch on even half or a fourth of what is happening for me. I know how you feel Russ.

I am going to be seeing my T twice a week for a while starting this week. I go back again Friday. I've done it before and it is very helpful. So I hope it wiil help this time. I just feel like I am in such a bind.

And those maternal feelings are extremely strong with intermittent erotic feelings just passing through often enough to make sure I don't forget they exist too. But I have noticed something about them that tells me about myself and my needs which have absolutely nothing to do with sex. (Thankfully) Although I am not sure they are not related to my CSA on occaission. But they are what they are and I am much more accepting of them than I used to be. Seriously before I found MyShrink and this forum I was a mess over it! My T could not get me to accept it no matter how much we addressed it and I squirmed and stuttered and hid my face. Now i can at least briefly look her in the eye when it is mentioned.

That IS a nice drawing SD. DID you draw that?
JM

quote:

Originally posted by Jo:
Soulful did you draw that puppy?

If you did you did a great job!

Yes...I did draw the puppy. And thanks...
Jo and JM...

I draw sometimes when I find a feeling that is difficult to express. This one is the first in a series of pound puppies that I had an idea for. Then I got sidetracked and he was left in my WIP file. He has a few technical problems but I like him. I couldn't resist the urge to post it for PL...she had such a great breakthrough. She is now free from HER cage!

Most of my drawings are more emotional in content. Some could be triggering. I keep running across themes in these threads that seem to fit what I express in drawings. I'm just not sure it is appropriate to put them in a thread. So I've held back.
I don't want to put a watermark on them but some of them are up for sale. So, I don't know how long I can leave them up.
Let me know if you want to see any more of them...I don't want to overwhelm the threads with them.
I would love to see what anyone else expresses in their artistic way.
I guess maybe the photo gallery is where I "should" post them but when I get the inclination to do so it is usually in relationship to what is being said in the threads.
Please let me know if they bother or annoy and I will take them down.
I am not seeking any particular attention or praise for them...but sometimes I like to know what people think about them and what comes up for them when they see them. Because they are a big part of my therapy...I sometimes need to make sense of what they mean and having input from other people helps alot. They are mostly symbolic, much like a dream.
Let me know if any of you are interested in seeing any more. And if so...let me know where you would prefer that I post them...ie: in the related thread or in the photo gallery? I have over 250 of them at this point.

I actually didn't know I could draw until about 9 months ago....go figure. Just another of my "weird" quirks. I had an "activation" of sorts...meaning the alter that draws "woke" up. She does not speak so this is her form of expression.
My partner asked me if I could draw something besides people...so I went to my office/studio and came back with this little guy...she looked at me quizzically and said: "Wow...what else can you do that I don't know about?" My lame response was...."I dunno...I guess we'll find out."

Anyway...thanks again...and I'm glad you like my little pound puppy. Maybe I should see if my local humane society wants him? Hmmmm.... Or maybe I'll submit him to Best Friends magazine since they are located in my region. Anyone ever watch Dogtown on the Nat Geo channel?

Sorry about the cage...PL I sooo want to take him out of it too. I think that was the purpose of the drawing.
I believe he is a representation of my experience in finding my dog Bodhi.

SD

quote:

I couldn't resist the urge to post it for PL...she had such a great breakthrough. She is now free from HER cage!

SD

Thanks so much. That makes it even more special. I would love to see your drawings. Let me know where you post them. And thanks for caring so much. Yeah, I now have maybe a foot outside my cage.

PL

Hello Cafe fam,

I found this page by searching Google for materials on erotic transference. I'm trying to understand what it is, what it means, where it comes from and if I "absolutely have to" open up to my therapist about my feeling for her, because I am caught up in this funky little web...

Needless to say, I'm reading, hearing and learning that I "do" and "should" put this out there, but I am so scared...scared... and more scared... I'm afraid that my therapist will ignore me, say that I'm crazy, withdraw from me, reject me and even laugh at me. and I'm afraid that that laugh is the laugh that would kill me. Of course my therapist is nothing like these thoughts that I have... but this is my story of fear...

I want to tell her so bad and open the windows up (if not just myself) in my session.

I really need some help... and even though I am in therapy - which is an ideal place to help me with something like this... I am stuck behind this wall, and I want out.

thanks to everybody for opening up about this and sharing it in this place. it gives me a bit more courage today than I had yesterday.

I hope to have great news a little later about spilling the beans.
until then, take care and enjoy.