Okay, folks, this is a huge post, processing what you said. So I’ll start out by saying THANK YOU for your responses. It is so encouraging and helps so much to sort out what is going on, so I have some hope of discussing this with my T and making some sense. I never would have stayed in therapy to this point without you. Thank you!!!
AG,
quote:
I don't so much hate my T as worry that he isn't the person I thought he was.
Thank you, AG! This is what I was trying to say. You said it perfectly. But then I go even further and imagine the creep he might actually be. And I get quite detailed about it.
quote:
So you're feelings about your T will probably be all over the map, but your responsibility is to bring them ALL into the room.
I’ve been telling him about the feelings…but I’m more afraid to tell him the thoughts that stem from those feelings. I am afraid he will take it personally, or as an accusation, because they’re so irrational and mean.
quote:
Being able to recognize that you feel like he's a "hateful" person but then compare that against what you know of your T allows you to see how your feelings can feel like reality, and the truth when sometimes they're not an accurate reflection of what's going on but a filter through which you're interpreting things.
The way I’m understanding what you said, “filter” is just another word for “transference”, right? I’ve got a pretty mean “filter”.
It makes sense that it might be my own mom's meanness toward me, transferring to my therapist, but it still feels like it's part of me...like I'm just a mean-spirited person who wants to think the worst of people.
At the same time, I really do adore my T.
And it's not just because he gives me undivided attention in sessions, although that feels pretty wonderful. He also has a very lovable, playful, genuine spirit. He's funny, intelligent, articulate, sexy...I want to be like him when I grow up.
Will that ever happen? Seriously, here is one of my main therapy goals: I would like to grow up before I die.
quote:
At first it only felt safe to be angry at myself, then as my T welcomed and understood my anger it got safe to be angry with him and finally I learned not to be terrified of my anger and could actually direct it to its source.
Wow, thanks! I really recognize that first part: it’s only safe to be angry at myself. But almost 40 years of this…that anger gets pretty heavy. The rest of what you said gives me hope that we’re heading in the right direction.
TN,
Thanks for the welcome! It's good to "meet" you. I've read many of your posts too and see so much strength and courage in you.
quote:
Today I told him that after our last session where I revealed some painful things that he now does not want to speak to me and has totally changed his feelings towards me and the he'd rather not have to deal with all of my issues.
This is a pretty regular one for me too, although it happens between sessions. Seems like I can’t really sort out my reactions while I’m right there in front of him.
quote:
I also find that I think bad thoughts about him when I need to push him away from me. When he is getting too close or I have just revealed something I find shameful I find a reason to be mad at him because he had done SOMETHING wrong. I need to distance myself so I look for reasons.
Yes! Thank you, this sounds more right. I look for reasons to push him away. I just have a really good imagination for building up big stories with very little information.
A good example is something that came up a few sessions ago. I was trying to tell him about my feelings for him. At one point I told him that I like it when he tells me things about himself, and I’ve wished many times I could ask him personal questions, but I don’t, because I know I’m not “supposed to.”
So I said I sometimes come up with my own explanations. He asked me what some of them were. This was a great question because it brought out one of the “monsters” I thought he might be. I had taken a few things he had said, and a few observations of my own, and built up this monster: He had been hurt in the past by a girlfriend in college who cheated on him, so when he met me and my husband, and realized that I’d had a fantasy emotional “affair”, it triggered unresolved anger and a desire for revenge in him. This meant that 1) he felt sick when he saw my name on his schedule, and 2) he was setting me up to get attached to him so he could hurt me as a way of getting back at his girlfriend.
He seemed a little overwhelmed at first…he remarked that this was a very detailed story. But then he used this to teach me how to ask questions when something he says triggers fear in me. So I eventually asked if there was any truth to the conclusions I had drawn. His response negated the conclusions: he said he never dated a girl with that name, never had a girlfriend in college who cheated on him, and if he felt sick when he saw a patient’s name on his schedule, he would have to transfer them to another T because he wouldn’t be able to help them.
quote:
He smiles at me and reassures me that is not how he feels and now that we are talking do I still feel the same way? Of course I don't because he is totally accepting of me and kind and gentle and I know I'm safe with him.
This is how I felt immediately after the session I just described. He stayed with me, taught me how to ask the questions, and traced it back with me to fear of abandonment. I felt so happy, safe, and grateful after that session - if I could have hugged him, I would have.
But now…I’m making up another “monster.” I suppose I’ll have to tell him about this one too. It really ticks me off that I have to do this again. I’m back to worrying that I’m wearing him out, insulting him, turning casual remarks he makes in session against him.
I just want him to tell me straight out that he likes me and will never abandon me. But he won’t do that. I know this means he’s a good therapist, but…I want that gratification thang. (can you hear me whining and stamping my foot?)
quote:
And when you feel the need to run you will find all types of creative reasons as to why he is dangerous and untrustworthy and you feel the urge to flee from him.
So this is about “feeling a need to run” and finding “creative reasons” to do so.
Argh...I wish we could go back to weekly appointments. I want to talk to my T so badly right now about all of this. I'm really grateful for this board, and for you. I can't say that enough times.
I'd better stop here...is there a character limit to these posts? I've got to be pushing it.
Take care, everyone...thanks for listening and responding. You're the best.
SG