Right now, Im about to see a new therapist. She called me the other day as my old therapist left for me to have a referal for when the new interns arrive. I miss her tons. Since she was an intern.... it's the nature of it all.... so termination was soo.... uncool. I guess it never is good but it's hard because our match was excellent in so many ways. Like she has a chronic pain disorder much like my own.... related even... and it really made a huge difference. Anyways.... we did a lot of work in trauma... exposure therapy (Yuk).... CBT... behavioral activation, supportive therapy etc.....

So now, I have this new therapist. She sounds nice but of course she would.... it's her job too.. hahaha. Anyways... I have an appointment with her Tuesday and i'm already feeling not only nervous but maybe eve scared.

I met with my new shrink yesterday and it was sooo odd going back to that clinic and not seeing Holly or my shrink... seeing new people.... it's part of life and this sytem but still... UGH. Made me feel real sad.

So now, i just don't know what to expect i've never transitioned in the middle of therapy to another therapist before. I hate that she has my record without my giving over some of my trust. It's like.. man.. she has access to my record and all this work/process i had with Holly and she csan read it.. and i dont know her AT ALL! I know she isn't going to bombard me right away and take time for us to get to know one another.... i mean.. i KNOW the drill.. but still, I have butterflies about seeing her.... fluttering HARD too!! I'm fighting the desire to quit before going@ That is so not me.... Im not that type of person! LOL.... But I feel it... I feel so vulnerable and Ive never met her. I wish I knew what she looked like ahead of time.... but don't.

Just worrying.. dont even know the point of this post besides venting a lot. !!

Sorry if Im not very coherent.... Im on really strong pain meds (Ms contin) and im not used to it. It's helping my pain a lot but it's making me loopy loo... haha.

Butterfly Warrior:

Anyone changing therapists before their work together is complete would be feeling as you do.....saying good-bye to "Holly" must have been very difficult.....I sense that you will find the strength and courage to meet with your new therapist.....perhaps even bond and connect with him/her in just the same way or perhaps even deeper than you did with Holly.....Always keep yourself open to the possibility......

Take good care of yourself.....
Deb

Hello-

Thanks Debra.... yes, Im trying hard to be open. I still think that Holly.. no one will be better than her... hahaha. We really had a lot in common... it's almost freaky to the point I even asked her HOW did we get put together. She said she doesnt believe in coincidences.. hehe. I mean... seriously.. it's STRANGE. We both went to the same undergrad university and even the same college within that university. We both paint, write poetry, read voraciously, are sarcastic... tend to be at least and deal with pain, etc with tons of humor (great defense, I know), we both have a very very similar unusual disease that started in childhood though I had it longer. We both love/adore health psychology/behaviora medicine .. but of course she has done much more work in it...

Anyyways... very..... strange... LOL. Oh yeh... she introduced me to punk music incidently... hehehe... and i adore it... lol. I learned stuff about ehr over time of course... and she was always professional about things but we definately had a very theraputic relationship and these other things really helped.

Anyways.. yeh.... it was sucky to have to terminate.. blah blah but it's life. I made her a special gift box... decorated it.. filled it with quotes (we both collect those as well).. painted it. etc... she loved it so much she said she was going to cry and im not supposed to make my therapist cry.. hehehe. Than she told me she also collects boxes! Ha...

Anyways, Im trying to keep in mind that... everyone can bring diffferent things in my healing journey.... these changesa re part of life and as Holly mentioned to me once.... it might be some practice in learnign to trust again... haha..

I had to laugh at your statemrnt about taking care of me because that has been a constant homework assignment from Holly and she also made me some relaxation tapes.. at the end, she left me a message and said.... well I have one last homework for you and i know you want to kick me but yuou cant cause its on tape.. hahah.... but Take Care of YOU!... etc.... Sigh... I miss her.. can you tell? haha.

I have been thinking about meeting my new therapist in 4.5 days. I'm trying to be open to what will come and happen but I just feel so reluctant. I really dispise trauma therapy while feeling the need for it.. i hate how it makes me feel... i hate it hate it hate it.. it's so unfair.... i just can't get past the u nfairness of it all.. all this crap we must endure all because of the hands of someone else that couldnt behave normaly or acceptably and IM the one suffering as a result. What about them.. the piece of craps... sigh

Okay i shoudl shut up...

thanks for responding

Butterfly Warrior:

If you are up for it, could you let me know how things go after your first meeting with the new therapist....also, I am curious, where did the name Butterfly Warrior come from?

Deb

Hi again

Yes im sure i will write how it goes. I wish i could will myself to stop worrying about it.... such a worry wort...

Butterfly warrior.... do you like it?

Let's see.. how to best explain. Basicaly, I've never liked the words 'abuse survivor".... it just... bugs me.. for various reasons but I hve never been able to come up with an acceptable alternative. Well this came up at some point in my therapy with Holly and she challenged me to come up with something that describes what I am in relation to the abuse and something like that.

So, after some comtemplation about things like.. my love for nature.... butterflies.... being in transition... change.... safe in a cacoon.... what a warrior is.... i thought... Ohh.... Warrior made sense for one having and still battling the effects of abuse .... the whole name is technicaly Butterfly Warrior over dark st(ages). The stages as in developmental and parenthesis around ages for the humor of pointing out dark ages..... and as holly pointed out... the reinassance (age of enlightment) came after so that fits too.

So long long story/explantion.... I am a butterfly warrior.... or wish to become.. or in the transition of being, internalizing this image as well as the characteristics I think she should represent for me...

Does this make sense?

Butterfly Warrior:

I can relate to the worrying concept....I too am a worrier.....and yes, what you wrote makes perfect sense....thank you for sharing....

Take good care of yourself....
Deb

I think the name 'butterfly warrior' is the best! I really like that. I also don't like the term 'abuse survivor' but I haven't actually come up with another term for myself!

dude

Good fortune coming up with something. It's quite empowering to do so and at least in my case, helped me define more of what I am trying to seek despite the pain.

I don't rememeber if I posted this poem on LOP... but I will post it here. It is one I wrote on "Survivor?" that sums up my feelings about it...

Survivor?
what does it mean to be a survivor?
Is it just a word?
assigning heroism
to be broken..
to be damaged..

I am a survivor...
I guess I am
Somehow I dont quite feel it
the meaning defies my
internalization
Uttering the words
they fall flat
echoing against a metal drum
empty feeling
frozen sound

I survived abuse
so what?
I dont want to be THAT type
of survivor
to take ownership
of pain?
of suffering?
acceptance?
forgiveness?

My survivor facade
covers over my melting tears
the burn in my face
drawing out fears

So I live while others die
I am assigned survivor
yet, my mind blind

Traumatized mind
restless sleep
confusion abounds
pain complete

Is this survivor?
Is that how it feels?
I cant own this pain
yet the feeling is so real
useless energy
taking up space
my spirit sodden
life will never be the same

Betrayal
anger
seething rage
questioning love
I dont understand
many questions remain..

So Im a survivor
I suppose I all
yet I dont feel it
not own it
I cant tell..

Butterfly Warrior

Wow!!!! Thank you so much for sharing your poem with us!!!! Having spent my childhood with a physically and emotionally abusive father, I can relate to much of what you have written......Have you written other poems?

Deb

Wow, that's beautiful. Thank-you for posting that Butterfly Warrior.
Shrinklady

Thank you for the comments on my poem.

Debra-
Safe hugs if you like

One thing that amazes me is knowing how many people have been abused in childhood.... there are SO many of us yet we don't talk about it. Why? Fear? Stigma? I reflect on this often myself.. why haven't I shared.. why has it taken me this long to share bits..... I suppose for me, it's fear of being judged/ faulted/ invalidated... and invalidation triggers feelings of guilt/shame and that somehow, something is wrong with me.. im the issue. The fact that it seems that abusers get away with their crimes when they are prosecuted.... seems rare... .and that it's up to the 'victim' to Proove what happend.... and so many of us.. might not even know.. than it becomes.. a 'memory controversy'....

It is often so hard to talk, even to therapist about abuse. Have you ever had to fill out the paperwork before meeting with your counselor and it asks the abuse question... it's like (for me at least).. AIGH.... i dont want the labels.... the things that must enter someones mind when they see that..

Yet, on the other hand, over the years, I have had people... students.. peers share with me bits about things that have happend to them.... mostly people that needed a listening ear and one that needed some assistance ... I have always wondered why these people came to me and glad i could provide a listening ear... still I always felt like.... oh my.... what they went through is so much worse than I went through... thus self.. invalidation.... amazing how much it sticks....

My mom took me to some therapist when i was dealing with active PTSD and they all just.... got on my nerves.... I mean.... they just said stuff that made me feel more resistant, sad and alone... so i just sorta.... ignore it all and felt better eventualy.. oh the power of repression.....

took me a long time to tru trusting a therapist again. Being validated is helpful.... trying to process the crap is very painful...

In terms of poetry..... I love to write... it's something that helps me deal with the pain I expereience.. different sorts of pain.. life expereinces fron the past and present. It helps me cope....

I like to paint too.... do you have any hobbies??

Okay well I will post another poem of mine. This one I wrote after one of my friends took her life. Well an alter did... She had DID.... suffered tremendous abuse of every type .. being that her father was one of her primary abusers, I feel like he murdered her.... so I wrote this poem... (sorry this post is so darn long!)

Murdered Mind, Lost of soul

Unbounded difficulty
meeting strength of spirt
insurmountable pain
converging with depths of uncertainty

Murder of the soul
is what was committed
shedding of innocence
removal of childhood
hidden sins
defining her existance

Even when physicaly stopped
mental torment continues
painful existence
forgotten memories

Past and present converge
creating its own reality
feeling of subhumanness
left from a murdered soul

Continual victimization
victimizer unpunished
she sought out help
to deal with mental torment
forced to negotiate
in order to endure

Fighting until
nothing was left
her torment has ended
through death of self

Her victimizers alive
as we mourn her absence
they victimized us
through their detestable actions

they murdered her psyche
and now her life too
still unpunished
they are free

she is free now
but gone away from me

In loving memory of Dena M. (1970- 11/4/2004)

Wow! How moving and powerful.....a wonderful tribute to your friend.....I have never shared anything that I have written....but what the hey.....I wrote these two poems so many years ago I can't remember when....but I was very young...

The Broken Mirror

The broken mirror
Now shattered
Dreams, ideals, expectations
Entrapped
By an auto-cannabalism
Controlled by fate?
Controlled by time?
Controlled by oneself?
Could those fragmented pieces
Of the broken mirror
Ever come together enough
To look at the pieces with hope of recovery?

Decisions

To decide or not to decide
To keep running
But weary are the legs
The body and mind are physically and emotionally exhausted
Would it be so bad to escape into non-existance?
To end that inner turmoil
The pain, that pressure
That hurt so deep
To finnally find that inner peace
My soul keeps searching for?

I am now off the a blueberry pancake breakfast.....

Take good care of yourself
Deb

PS...

In response to your question about hobbies...yes, I have a few.....I have been scrapbooking (most therapeutic!), training for half-marathons (I have finished 3!), attempting to golf, shopping (even if I can't buy anything cuz I am now a starving student, again), cycling, and creating a better sense of myself through therapy......

Deb

I do scrapbooking too! In fact I was at Clipper Street last night at their crop (which means little to most people except perhaps Debbie). Wouldn't it be fun to meet? I think so! I haven't posted here before but have been 'watching and reading'.
Robin
p.s. I'm another insider, with 'dude' I suppose... though that sounds odd to me!

Hello Robin:

I have been there as well....I find scrapbooking most therapeutic....and you?

This may seem like a silly question...but...I guess with so many insiders, you would never get lonely?

Perhaps there are advantages to having a few insiders....I have only me....so I am subject to getting lonely at times....

Deb