Hi all-

wasps chasing dude... oh goodness.. sounds like my DREAMS/nightmares!

** hands dude a skeeter net

In other news re. therapy.. Izzie the stalker has hit again.... lol. I always have to find out what i can on my therapist so new therapist is using her married name but I asked her what grad school she went to and found her maiden name and than found all of her research. Gee, she told me she really has done a ton of work on bipolar and other mood disorders with adolescence and adults.. gee whiz.. she REALLY REALLY has!

Some of her research:
Her Programs goals: http://psych.colorado.edu/~clinical/clinical_desc.html
- Excellent clinical psych program in terms of reputation

- Disseration on Anxiety role in adolescence with Bipiolar disorder

- worked here:
http://www.zoominfo.com/Search/PersonDetail.aspx?PersonID=954999934&pc=A9

- Articles:
http://baywood.metapress.com/app/home/contribution.asp?...onresults,1:300311,1

http://journals.cambridge.org/action/displayAbstract?fr...ge=online&aid=530724

Life stress and the course of early-onset bipolar disorder. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/sites/entrez?Db=PubMed&Cmd=...anel.Pubmed_RVDocSum

Early-onset bipolar disorder: a family treatment perspective. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/sites/entrez?Db=PubMed&Cmd=...anel.Pubmed_RVDocSum

Behavioral activation, inhibition and mood symptoms in early-onset bipolar disorder http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/sites/entrez?Db=PubMed&Cmd=...anel.Pubmed_RVDocSum


Anyways, my appointment went well. She was really nice.. of course. Her office was a little small for me and my powerwheelchair.... lol.. but we managed.. a little snugg... im like.. need MORE personal space here but it works out.... just makes me a little nervous.. lol

Seems that she read a great deal of my chart and she has the same supervisor as my previous therapist so that's cool. I get the sense that why she had awesome training, she doesn't have as much varried expereince as Holly did especialy when she asked me about video recording our sessions for her supervison. Holly never had to do that because she had so much intensive expereicing/training/videorecording in all her practicums, etc before hand.

I told Adrine I had to think about it.. lol. I think it will be helpful for her but I just feel like.. i dont know..... will i be able to ignore a camera when things are really hard. I already dissociate as it is when things get overwhelming and that doesnt take long when it comes to trauma work.

Anyways.... .so back to weekly therapy again.... getting to know Adrine .... trying not to compare her to holly....

She is a cat person.. yay. Doesnt have any chronic pain issues but willing to learn stuff to help me. Likes to give homework as Holly did too... (Bleh)....

Anyways.. .thats that.. im tired..

Butterfly Warrior:

It seems that the first meeting went okay....Videotaping? I know that I would never consent to something like this.....I guess you have to weigh the pros and the cons.....I am wondering what you mean by "homework"? In the 9 years that I have seen my therapist, she has never once given me homework....although I spend many hours post-session (in my home)processing the things that emerge during the session....if that makes sense.....Thank you for sharing your thoughts on your first session/meeting.....Take good care....

Deb

Deb-

lol about the videotaping. I know it's common practice for interns or required in their training for clients that agree... I guess some places are set up like that period in their supervision. I have the option tos ay no here. I think the pro is that her supervisor is the same as Holly had and is familar with me and my therapy case... she would be a great help to Adrine in her own development as a therapist but also in imprioving treament planning for me. On the other hand the big con for me is that I don't know if I would be able to talk about certain things knowimg im being recorded? I mean having enough guilt/shame issues with things I probably dont need to.... but talking about it KNOWing im recorded and KNOWING im going to get talked about behind my back? Not that therapists dont normally do this anyways but its different when you are sure it's taking place! I think i MIGHT give it a try but only if i can say... i dont want to do it for certain sessions... it depends.... i need to see how it feels.. i dont know...

About Homework- yes I know about processing things that happen after therapy.. i do a ton of that myself but yes Homework. Holly also gave me homework... it's a very CBT (Cognitive-behavioral therapy) type approach. With Holly, sometimes it was simple like do at least one good thing for you and tell me about it next week, find more music... take care of you.... that was probably a consistent assignment I had added to others. Some were more difficult like write a letter to your abusers ( not acutually send it) but write what happend, how you feel.. than she had me read it to myself at least once a week. (Exposure therapy).. yuk.... write a list of things I did to surivve my trauma, read some particular hands out she gave me on safe coping mechanisims, or trauma or behavioral activation type homework to help my depression such as making small goals to do something outside at least once..... play a game.... call someone... Once it was to think about the abuse I was processing at the time in therapy and sit with the emotions for at least 20 minutes... just feel whatever it is that comes and prevent dissociation as much as possible...

So I don' tknow what type of HW Adrine has in mind but she says she gives it too... Holly had returned a lot of my personal writings to me from the HW she assigned to me. Im glad but still some of it is ien my file so Adrine said she saw I did quite a bit and thats great. ..

so i think she's going to be good... i like her.... she isnt Holly... but she has a sense of humor... yay..

9 years of therapy..... goodness.. i feel like im heading down that road... never thoight it would take this long..... are yoy better yet? lol.... sigh..... im so frustrated.... i just want to kick my abusers butts and think they need to be put on an island away from the rest of civilazation.... and than I will feel like I have had justice!!

Butterfly Warrior:

Yes, I am much better than I was 9 years ago!! 9 years ago I weighed 85 lbs and was fading into the abyss. Since then, I have come to terms with the traumas that I experienced in my childhood (all at the hand of my father). I have moved on.....And that feels great!!!!....I am no longer a prisoner!!! I am free!!! I suppose I could have hung onto the pain of the abuse forever; but I chose to let it go.....It took me quite some time to realize that I had a choice.....In fact, I have come to learn that I actually have alot of choices.....I choose to focus on positive endeavors....If you have seen the movie "The Secret" then you would understand when I tell you that I have created a vision board.....all of the things that I want in life are displayed upon it for me to look at everyday as I am on my computer.....Many of the things have already been actualized!!!

I am also enjoying connecting with individuals on this website....I am learning so much.... I find that as I learn about others and their struggles, I am actually learning more about myself....Wow!!! It was my therapist who pointed this site out to me....

Is your therapy covered on a plan....Here in Canada, private therapy is not covered by any plan....I have paid for all of my therapy on my own.....All $50,000.00 ++ that I have spent has been the best investment that I have ever made....an investment in ME!! Cuz I matter, my therapist says so....so it must be true!! (LOL)

Anyway, I am glad that you like you new therapist....keep me posted on how the video-taping goes (if in fact that is what you choose to do)....

Any more poems to share?

Take good care of yourself....
Warmest regards
Deb

I've only consented to video-taping once and it was a long time ago in Toronto. The funny thing is that the T there turned it off and then said 'ok... one more thing' and talked on as if she couldn't say her actual opinion on tape or something! Weird I say...

I'm off to do some scrapbooking now!

robin

Robin:

Enjoy your evening of scrapbooking.....

Take good care
Deb

Yay scrabooking!!!

- Poetry..

I don't have a name ofr the poem below.. it's one I wrote one day.... i dont rememeber why.... the circumstances.. but it's in my journal.. so here it is

Darkness Falls
in the depth of soul
shivers running through myself
Looking around
seeing nothingness
visual stimuli-
not coming,


tears form
run down my face
along a pattern of physical design
I can't make them stop
so they just flow
as the dark
is only privy to this void


Barren trees
window to the soul
my damaged heart
desiring
Confusion,
uncertainty,
still some bits of light coming through.

I am afraid but cannot show it
for fear of being brought further down
still this void is present within
a part of timeless space.

It was hidden from me and now I know
the great depth of this abyss like feeling
dense heaviness
weight down my bones
sorrowful reflections take hold
sitting with the pain
being mindful of the moment
integration of the parts into a whole

this darkness exist
in my internal world
where did it come from?
I want to know
Night falls fast
emotions swirl
in the multiple colors of
"The Starry Night"
Dark, light mixed together
hot and cold-
harmony
petitioning my need for this
I sit here with myself
in the moment
holding strong
yet, in need of cuddling
the neglected parts
in need of love....


--end---

Today, Im feelign depressed. I have had a migraine.... I took a walk with my new walker... went further than I have gone in awhile. But right now, I just feel very down.... bblah

Butterfly Warrior:

Wow!! What a poem!! I feel honored to be reading it (as I have about all of the wonderful poems that you have posted to this site)....thank you.....I am so sorry that you are feeling depressed.....Is there anything in particular that is moving you to this place?

Take good care of yourself
Deb

thank you for your comments as ussual .

About my mood.... no idea. It could be the medication.. the MS Contin is REALLY STRONG and Im scared of it even though it's helping my pain so much! My body/mind feels quiet at times.... it has always been SOOO NOISY and i just don't know.. pain is noisy..... and its like.. i have peace.... i can't see why i feel depressed.... I have a lot of fluctuations.... i don't know if that's normal but I get loads of fluctuations with my mood.. even within hours.. nothing extreme.. i dont have Bipolar but my mood.. im just moody i guess....

A lot of changes I suppose.. lots of things I want to get done... need to get done... trying to do.... back to therapy once again... .trying to walk some again.... i dont know...

I'm hanging in there... today wasnt as bad as yesterday/last night.... but still there

I'm watching Monk.... at least it's somewhat amusing.... ate a lot of raw foods today.... thai salad... a little meat with it.... im doing a ton of dietery changes... so maybe thats messing with me too...

Questionf or you.... so learning to let go... I know we have a choice in doing so.... but I don't get how to feel peace with that choice. I want to let go but than Im still tortured by memories, memory gaps, questions, flashbacks sometimes.... triggering material.... and so I can say.. I choose to let this go.... it's behind me.... im going on.. but it's like my brain doesnt realize that... .doesn't know how to follow that direction.... lol.... i dont now what my question is actually but was just my thought in relation to that....

grrrrrr...

Here is a poem I wrote about what chronic pain is...

What is pain to you and I?
Do you know?
Does anyone know?
Many people in the 'normal' world
have no idea at all.
Pain is a senseless word
One that I know all too well
Others though have many complaints
but do they really know?
Some complain of temporary pain
that will soon go away
but what of us?
they dare to ask
shutting their eyes from what we tell
Pain is everything
we live it each day
it never, ever goes aeay
not a day of peace
not a minute of rest
It is ever present with each passing day
It takes over and makes you cry,
it's in every place
it does not matter
do you see it?
do you hear it?
No, but one can really feel it
It burns with might and fury
leaves you sleepless
weak
and worried
deep and massive like the sae
clahing silently, punishing without east
Its color you ask,
many I say-
Red, green, purple, blue
it does not matter who
Breahte n, breathe out
can you hear it?
It breaths with you
The pain is indestructable
you beg and plead
Please no more
go away and leave me be
just one day
just twenty- four hours,
leave me and be no more
sorry to say with great displeasure
that pain is deaf
and does not obey.
So gather your weapons for the battle
Humor
self-control
and most of all
not to give up on the battle of pain
must outwit it
its battle you cant win
but sometimes control can come
making friends with
what has become an enemy
learning to live
pain within
thats what pain is..
(1999)

Butterfly warrior

Butterfly Warrior:

Thank you for sharing your beautiful poem.....Pain!.....If I remember correctly, your pain is from arthritis, right??? Please correct me if I am indeed wrong....When I think of pain, I think of both physical and emotional pain....My mother died of colon cancer....I witnessed for 14 months, her in pain.....It was the most difficult thing that I have had to bear witness to....and it caused me much emotional pain.....I had thought that with time I would miss my mom less; however, what I have come to learn is that, I miss her more.....(I will put the violin away now)....I was really wanting to understand why you are in so much pain....Sorry for the sagway....

Letting go.....Sounds easy, but it sure is not....I guess for me, I reached a point (emotionally) where I was simply wanting to free myself from the burden of all the pain I had experienced in my life (at the hand of a drunken bastard boy--my father's nickname)....If not for my therapist pointing out (several times over the years we have worked together) that it was me actually hanging on and not the other way as I wanted to believe--that the painful memories/triggers etc were hanging onto me.....So, I chose to let it all go, but it took me almost 9 years of therapy to move to that place....somehow I don't think that I am making sense....I had a girls night out tonight and have had alot to drink....so I am a bit tipsy....sorry....I guess, when you are ready, you too will be able to let go of the past and feel the sense of freedom that I am....but only when you are ready.....This past few months in therapy, things have really all just fallen into place....I have been enlightened in ways that I had never quite imagined.....I am truly finding it difficult to put into words.....I am hopeful that what I have shared is helpful and not a hindrance.....I always worry that what I write may be misinterpreted somehow.....Anyway, I can hardly keep my eyes open....I need to go to bed.....zzzzzz

Thank you again for sharing your poetry with me....I am indeed honored....

Take good care of yourself
Deb

Deb- what you say is lovely.... and helpful. I too wonder about what I say and how its taken. I notice with Dude- i respond to a lot of his posts but never see a response back. makes me wonder if i said somethign wrong... lol.... shrugs....

glad you hjad a fun girls night out and hope you're sleeping well right now.

About pain, yes, I have Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis from the age of 5... i was also diagnoised with fibromyalgia and myofascial pain syndrome. I have a lot of other health issues too.. asthma, allergies, diabetes, polycycstic ovary syndrome... seems the list goes on..... I know trauma definately made it worse..... for sure.... I'm 29 now.... I have been using a wheelchair snce I was 17.... the morphine sulfate has given me a great amt of relief.. it's amazing.... but it has been a long fight.. a long sturggle .... but now im starting to feel less pain... .and increase my mobility.. it's exciting.

I can't imagine having to wittness your mother in so much pain. I hate when myu mom is sick and hurting.... she isnt too sick but she has ahaf a few surgeries and otjer struggles and it's hard to see for sure. I do what i can to help he rbut she helps me more with my disability. Sometimes I feel like I must burden her cause she has to do so much for me and i don't like that....

There is the emotional pain too.. the ptsd.... depression... anxiety... etc.... I have had a hard time accetpting the longer course of PTSD. I had it actively as I call it when i was 12.... but than it 'went away'..... however.... it just went into hiding and now it's back... though not i n the same way... and it's been a pain accepting that alone.

My father.... i dont know what to call him... i like your name for yours... ha.... i love my dad... im sure he loves me... well at least he used to... but you know, he hurt me.. he tried to kill me actually.... and .. that is somethi ng i just can't get past.. how can someone love and hurt like that and still functional in society as if all is well and fine. I wish i could attribute it to a psychotic break or drug use but i can't.. i have no such explanation.... man im talking awway.. wow....

my mom thinks i need to confront him about it.. i dont know about that.. okay done with that..

My big worry with pain medicaiton is dependence. liek dpeendence isnt bad but than tollerence and s on. Im supposed to take the MS CONTIN every 12 hours and i find myself doing it every 15 hours if i can so that my body doesnt depend on its used .... when i started moving close to the 12 hour mark.. i notice that i feel like throwing up and sometimes start gettign migraines if i wait to lo ng.... makes me wonder.. OH NO... dependence!!!!! Im getitng a lot of muscle twitching/spasms throughot the day .. i dont know what thats about..... im just tired of all thos crap... to much crap... sick of it...just now my thigh spasmed.. grrrrrr...... sigh

well i need to BREAK my violin.. actually cello... i used to play the cello.... lol.... i miss it..

well i hope i learn to let go soon... lol..i told my new therapist... my goal re. trauma is to.. learn to accept what i have lost, what i dont remember and what i do remember.... and to be able to learn to do the things that were taken from me such as learnign to care about me and realize that there is nothing wrong with me... thats so hard since as someone with multiple health issues/disabilities.. people tend to look at me like im strange. different... etc.... abberant..

but i told her i want to learn to do much more.. move on.. self nurture.... whatever lse i dont do that i might not be aware of but yet is wrecking some havoc in my social functioning.... like my lack of ability to really trust.... its so dang hard...

and to make peace.. to become and embody this butterfly warrior.. my last therapist Holly had me draw/paint what i felt the buttetfly warrior represents.. what i want.. what i need to achieve it. why i dont feel i have i tnow.. so o n..... so i have the ideas.. but just having issues.. once agaain.. intenralizing and convicing my brain that.. it's okay now.. it's safe.. im me....

thank you fror your thoughts.. they helpo.. it helps not to feel alone....

Below is a poem and journal entry i wrote in relation to my good friend Dena.. best friend ever... .i miss her so... i wrote this because i felt so angry.. and its hard to feel anger but i felt it so much for the things that happend to her.... so i will post this here. Im not sure why i feel so free to share these things here but fo rnow.. im okay with it...

----------------
I cried my eyes to sleep tonight
sheding memories of pain
the tragedy of this world we live in
that triggers torrents of pain

I cried my eyes to sleep tonight
in memory of you
I know your suffering is over now
if only I can be free too

My soul is so troubled
so sadly aware
of pain and injustice
that is anything but rare
your ashed over Mt. Mckinley
your soul is in my heart
I cried my eyes to sleep tonight
feeling so far apart

Your dad got two years
off half for 'good behavior"
and your sentence was for life
of torment and pain

I cried my eyes to sleep tonight
in sadness and despair
May 10, 2005



If it isn't obvious, I'm feeling rather sad. I am still deeply mourning the loss of my best friend Dena and with each passing day, other reminders come which arent all bad however, the problem exist where I learn more of the story.... more.... more??? there MORE.. always.

I am so mad right now...

I was told that her DAD, the FREAK married another woman with a child one Dena's mom divorced him and he sexualy abused this child too!!! He did go to prison for im... 2 years and got off early for... good behavior!!!! GOOD BEHAVIOR.. Off course he had good behavior because he didnt have any KIDS In prison to have sex with! Ugh.. and of course, he gets out and free to roam about while the ones he victimized are psychologicaly tormented and have to heal, etc for years on and forever....

sigh... omg.. I am sooooo bloody angry... I need to pray for a calm heart ... this is not a good attitude for me to have but it feels almost intollerable.



Ughh...

i cant type anymore.. i think im going to punch my keyboard in!

Butterfly Warrior:

Wow....you sure have endured alot in your 27 years....I too, am losing one of my former colleagues and closest friend to ALS....I "babysit" her (that's what she calls it) on my days off.....she has also developed a form of alzheimers.....My heart is heavy.....Losing people we love is very difficult....We have written so much and I need to be reminded of how your friend died?? Perhaps I have a form of alzheimers too....

You used to play the cello?? The cello is my favorite instrument!! In fact, one day I hope to purchase and then take cello lessons.....

Sexual preditors should never be released from prison...there really is no hope for recovery....research supports this!! I guess I consider myself fortunate that my father only physically and emotionally abused me....But, I have moved beyond that....My father has remarried this year.....a lovely lady who has no idea what lurks beneath the surface....even her family has stated to me on several occasions, "your father is such a kind and gentle soul"...to which I respond, "we each know him in a different way"....perhaps God has placed my father in their company because he has so much to learn?? Who knows.....

We sure cannot change other people, we can only change how we deal with them.....so, I don't even need to understand others.....I only need to understand myself....if that makes sense??

I am sure finding this forum helpful...you have helped me to view things from a different perspective....Many of my friends ask me what it is that I seek in life....to which I respond...."DEPTH"....depth in all things.....So, I thank you for your posts....poems....words of wisdom.....You are very wise for such a young soul....(me, I am 48....)

I send healing thoughts your way....
Take good care of yourself...
Deb

Hey there! It's not that I don't want to reply to you ( Butterfly Warrior) or snyone... it's jsut I'm having a tough go of things at the moment. A very tough time actually. Leaning into depression *sigh* Also have company... both the sisters are in town (one I don't get along with so well... that's a long story for another time). Also our van's brakes died and it's costing us over $800! I appreciate the support and helpfulness of you guys here.

dude

Dude et al.:

The wave of depression is indeed a difficult one to ride......I have been there myself....I am glad that you are finding the forum supportive and helpful.....

Enjoy your evening
Take good care
Deb

Dude-

Sorry depression has been bad lately... I know how that is...

In terms of commenting, it's not that I expect people to comment every time. It's just that except from the very beginning here, you have posted a number of things and I have responded and gotten no response back.... i sorta wondered if i said something wrong.... the nightmare post, the bad client post, some others as well.... and than with the last one on being a bad client, i wrote a whole lot, heard nothing, deb commented and you responded to her so than I felt really bad like oh great.. i probably offended him! Well, that's all, I'm just trying to be very authentic and sharing my feelings so I hope you arent upset or thinking.. gee... im depressed cant this online chick just LAY OFF. Sorry if that is the case.