Deb-

Yay for cello.... love to listen to cellists as well.... love yo Yo ma.... I have a lot of his CD's.. he has too many... so i dont have them all. SOme of my favorites are the Silk road ensembles, him with Bobby mcferrin... simply Baroque.... and more.. and more... I'm in love with the six Bach cello suites .... I wanted to go to Julliard but with my disability, it just wasn't the best idea. my Rheumatologist told me at one point that the Cello is too hard on the joints.... sigh... lol.... but she was right.... it did cause me tremendous pain especialy after concerts! Still, I loved it. I hope you get lessons someday.

My friend Dena... she.. well not she but one of her harmful alters took their life.. right off of a bridge.... I know she had been dealing with some massive triggers.... and I believe that is what helped this situation to happen. It was incredibly unexpected because Dena herself was doing so well..... sooo well... in therapy... evertyghing. She had one of the more extreme types of DID.... that is polyfragmented DID.... she had integrated hundreds of alters, parts. etc over 11 years? She had a lovely husband who was very kind and understanding. some of the others hated him but they loved one another deeply. Oh im going to cry.. thats against my rules... lol...

In terms of your abuse.... i dont consider anyone 'fortunate' and that your father 'only just' abused you this way/that way.. it's not fortunate but Im so glad you were able to find peace. Wow about your dad remarrying and the woman making those comments.... I hope that he has figured out how to treat others. My father also remarried.. well sorta.. .im not sure in some ways... lol..... long story... I have a half sister.... it kills me.... i just.... i got into contact with her for awhile and than she quit writing for no apparent reasonm. She is a teenager.... I just thought that... well.. i pray she isnt getting hurt or hasnt been. I talked to my therapist about it and because my circumstance was so different nad it has been soooo many years, they felt it was or they werent concerned about the need to report.. etc. Unless I wanted to.. more long story..

For your friend with ALS.... I wonder in some ways if it was a blessing to get some form of Alzheimers.. I mean it's not but one of the mosr tortrous things with ALS is loosing all physical functioning and being intellectually aware of it happening.

Okay i gotta go

Butterfly Warrior:

So many alters/others.....I can't even imagine how your friend Dena's life must have been....I am glad to hear that she had a great husband.....I have been married twice to two very different and interesting men....the first was a loner and we just grew apart....and the second was a narciscist who unfortunately could only see himself always...somehow I got lost, the essence of me disappeared...(well down to 85 lbs that is .... LOL).....Are you married?

The cello...yes, I too enjoy YoYo Ma....and I have Silk Road Journeys...When Strangers Meet....I love it....I listen to a few other cellists as well.....I really like a movie that YoYo Ma played in "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon"....Have you seen it??

Anyway....I am hopeful that you are enjoying your evening...you must be a couple of hours ahead of BC (which is where I live)....

Take good care of yourself
Deb

I'm not offended at all. Sorry if you got that impression! I appreciate your support and 'words of wisdom'.

dude

Dude.. safe hugs of you want them.. hope things improve soon for you....

Deb- No, i haven't seen Crouching tiger, hidden dragon yet but I plan to see it soon as I cam rememeber to!

No.. single as can be... lol.... I have never dated either.. not really interested in guys or girls for that matter... lol.

I finally have a crush on a guy for the first time in my life.... it's odd.. im nervous.. my last therapist says this is progress... lol.

Today, Im so tired..I walked more than I ever have and was out longer than i expected.... i was out with my mom at price club and than healthfood market.... and basicaly used my walker both places.... i sat a lot but still... i wasnt due for my morphine ofr several hours so figured, i would be okay. we got back 1.5 hours overdue and the pain was SOOOOO BAD!!! It's shocking how hard it hit me.... i was nearly in tears...... this made me feel so sad and kinda helpless... how dependent I am on these stupid pain meds....

I had therapy yesterday with Adrine. I learned more about her by using the internet and told her.. lol.. she thought htat was cool and made sense because of curiosity... so glad she doesn't think im some oddball stalker... lol. I told her I een found her wedding blog and it was very cute... lol.

i do like her but I can't help but to think.. sh eisn't Holly.. of course she isn't..... but i just feel a little less attached to her right now than I did with Holly even from the start. The pros is that she does seem to genuininely care and wants me to feel comfortable. The one thing that impressed me and made me happy was that she had the book "Waking the Tiger" about somatic expereicing, trauma and recovery stuff. I LOOOOOVE that book although I never got to finish it. She said she just started reading it so I'm glad... maybe she will have more wide range ideas to work with me on.... and any of her other clients dealing with Trauma. Being that I feel she doesn't have a ton of expereince in trauma therapy.. this is great. She is doing part of her internship at the VA as well so I'm sure she is meeting a lot of PTSD and other traumatic reaction situations.

We talked a little about my own ptsd issues that have changed form.... how i expereinced tham at 12 when i orginaly felt it intensely.... than how it's come back out of hiding now.... and how that looks different but also is still crappy....

Right after therapy, i had to go potty and I can't belive Im saying this out loud here.. or writing it here but I had this overwhelming need to self harm.... this has never ever hit m e like this outside anyplace. It's always been something inside my home.. and it's not a severe issue for me.. but it's there... and i havent quite managed quitting it. The urge was too much and I just had to give in before I left. I really felt like SUCH a looser after and really really wondered WHAT on earth triggered me like that!! I have NO idea....

I guess I felt the need to share somehow... .so yeh... im like a freak to the 3rd power...

I think I need to tell her about this but... im afraid.... I know she knows because it's i my record since I finally told Holly and we have talked about working on it a little but never worked on it hard since she felt it was direwctly related to the traumas I experinced and at that point, as she put it 'we seem to have bigger fish to fry"... lol.... which we did... .flour, peppered.. deep fried.... still got lots of raw fish though..... and it stinks! WOw... analogies.. got ot love them.

Well, I think I need a nap..

Butterfly Warrior:

I have just scanned your email quite quickly, cuz I am at work, but I am finding myself in a place of worry.....are you okay?

A concerned Deb

yes, I'm safe in the immediate sense of the word.. just tired, overdid it today and discouraged and i dont know....

thanks for your concern

Trying to be a Butterfly Warrior....

Butterfly Warrior:

Glad to hear that you are safe.....

D

PS

Freak to the 3rd power is not a term I would use to describe you.....

D

haha, I am a freak... to most people anyways.... who don't know me.. and just judge me by the outside.... lol...

sometimes i just feel like one

I slept awhile but now im awake again.... im due for meds in an hour and a half and afraid to fall asleep and forget now that I know how drastic it is to be late takig my pain medicine and how the pain just nearly slammed me so hard, i couldnt get out of a car without help....

im just feeling sorry for myself

Butterfly Warrior:

I wish that there was something that I could say or do to help alleviate your pain.....I am sending warm healing thoughts your way...

Deb

Wow! I have one very busy day and you two yak it up! I can't reply to all the posts but i've been reading and thinking on them...

D: it was fun to talk on IM with you

B.W.: you're now signing Izzie? sorry for all your pain!

As for me... I'm going away for a few weeks so won't be posting at all. Have a good August.

Dude

Dude et al.:

I enjoyed our chats as well.....Have a great vacation......I too, will be away for awhile.....I am off to New York very soon.....

Take good care
D

My last session was difficult....

I can't stand the vulnerability I feel of her having access to my record... and yet, I don't yet trust her.... it make's it very difficult for me to talk with her....

anyone else experience this ....

Hi Butterfly Warrior...I'm sorry to hear you're feeling a little uneasy with your therapist. In my own personal therapy, safety is THE important criteria for moving through my stuff. Without it, I know I wound't get very far.

I can also understand why you feel uncomfortable that she has access to your records. That would make me feel "exposed" needlessly. I imagine it might feel different if you felt you trusted her, then it might become a non-issue.

Can you ask her not to read it until you feel ready? I'd be tempted to do that.

In my personal view, taking time to build a safe relationship is the most important work...not about how far you can disclose. I hope you will give yourself lots of time and take baby steps as you feel safer or more trusting of her, if and when this occurs for you.

Switching therapists as you have has got to be hard and I can imagine it'd be hard to trust again. Even though you know that your last therapist had to leave, I'm not sure that a part of you fully understands this. And that part just might be a little guarded about trusting again. That's been my experience anyway.

Take care,
Suzanne

Hello Suzanne-
Thank you for your comments.

Safety, I agree, is necessary... and rather challenging to find. I think it's amazing how with my last therapist, Holly, I felt safe with her nearly immediately even though i didn't want to! I find this baffling but something about her just clicked with me I guess and now with Adrine, that's not the case. I know that a lot of it is her having my records and dealing with the transition but still, Im trying and I find myself just feeling so exposed that I can't seem to get past that.

In terms of asking her not to read my record for now.. it's too late... she did that before I came to my first appointment!! I suppose she probably felt that knowing my record/case would help me see that she wants to know me, understand me, not ask me the same stuff back over... and yes, I did find this rather good in some ways however, on the otherhand, it's just uncomfortable..

I completely agree with you regarding switching therapist. I brought up some of my recent issues with triggers and found that there is a great connection with this transition. While we didn't have time last session, she mentioned us talking about my feelings, fears, emotions, etc about seeing a new therapist and how I feel in regards to Holly's departure. She mentioned that I might possibly feel abandoned etc, which I don't but one thing I know I feel is that vulnerability and my enormous difficulty to trust. It's very much there.... and Holly and I had discussed this over some of our last few sessions. She tried to encourage me to think about the idea that learning to trust another therapist is good practice for me even though sje knows I dont want to hear that.. lol. I came to fully trust Holly over time and opened up more than I have to even the therapist I had while in college for 4 years.. I loved her too yet there are things I shared with Holly that the other one ever knew. In that... dealing with trying to trust again.... it hurts to trust... .of course, there are all of these factors in between but still, it seems like it. You trust... process occurs, healing occurs and than it's over.. and what? I have to do this again?

Well, whatever the case, it feels good to know that others understand the issue(s).

I suppose I will have to work real hard to tell Adrine what I'm feeling.... the intense difficulty of trust and how reading my record has left me feeling overly vulnerable and increasing my anxiety. I mean, for the first time, I feel my own resistance!!!!! I feel myself fighting it as well as intentionaly putting it there because the pressure is overwhelming!!! I always felt resistance was unconscious but in this case, it's nearly conscious due to the overwhelming vulnerbility.

Does this make sense?? I feel like i make things harder for myself!

Therapy sucks sometimes.... lol...

But the effect of abuse, trauma, etc is worse..

Butterfly flutterfly