quote:

"Our emotional patterns get laid down via our connection with parents and later with peers. The brain requires similar conditions in order to unlearn or to develop new patterns.

In other words "wounded in connection, healed in connection."

I am wondering if the following is an example of what Shrinklady meant in the above quote.

My parents had unrealistic expectations of me while I was growing up. Their demands were not age appropriate nor did they come with patient instruction or encouragement. Nothing I did was ever good enough. This left me with deep feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and worthlessness. I recently took a job where I quickly found other people's expectations of me to be unrealistic. Instead of feeling inadequate for not being able to do what was "expected" of me, I responded differently. First, I worked hard not to internalize the perceived failure. I began to implement boundaries which forced my coworkers to take a second look at the demands they made of my predecessor (and now of me). I try to give voice to some of my frustrations and make an attempt to problem solve. It is small, but I am making a difference in a small corner of the world. I know that I can always look for another job if I am unhappy because I am not powerless, helpless, or inadequate.

If this example does not fit with what Shrinklady is saying, I hope someone will help clarify it for me.

Deeply Rooted

Hello Deeply Rooted,

Not only do I think you are practicing the principle that Shrinklady stated above, I am amazed at your inner strength to do so. Something in you is overriding your parents’ messages of inadequacy, insecurity, and worthlessness. Going against the tide of unhealthy workplace expectations established by a predecessor is anything but “small”. I admire you greatly.

Did you have a “hero” when you were growing up? After hearing about how my parents raised me, my ex-T (ouch, it hurts to say that ) asked me if there was anyone I could go to during that time for comfort and affirmation. There was one person: our babysitter who lived across the street. She was my substitute mother/big sister. She’s told me many times since that caring for me and my siblings helped her survive her childhood, too (hers was even “worse” than mine, if I was to compare). My ex-T said that having just one “hero” can help kids get through some pretty awful stuff and, as adults, helps them to overcome the sick messages with healthy ones.

So there is my “vote”. Keep up the good work, and let us know how it goes!
strummergirl