deleted for personal reasons, just me and my stuff

This message has been edited. Last edited by: janedoe,

quote:

I just want to fly away from my T, from here, from anything that feels like maybe it could be safe and ok... I want to fly away from everyone that is good and safe in my life, but I am not...

I understand this feeling well, but I don't think (and maybe I'm wrong) that this is what you are feeling the need to flee from. It sounds to me like you are feeling emotions from past events and the sense of needing to flee might be coming from that. It is coming up in the presence of your T because you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable and feel it. It is going to feel weird to have the kindness and the attunement because that isn't what you are used to.

I'm going to throw something out there and if it doesn't fit then throw it out. What if the next time you are with T and you feel like you want to fly away or flee that you just let your body do what it wants to do. If it wants to run then run. If it wants to move away then move away. If it is moving closer then do that etc.

Your session with your T was deeply moving to read and I'm sure to experience. You aren't doing anything wrong and you are not messed up. You are reacting quite normally for the situation. (((hugs)))

((JD)) Wow....what an amazing experience to have with your T. Your T sounds like one of a kind.

I know that must have been so hard for you. I have such a hard time, even after all these years, even looking directly at my T. I'm afraid too. I'm already attached so it can't be that. She already knows my entire life basically and still seems to like me, so it can't be that. I think it's me. I think I'm afraid to actually have the feeling. The emotion of actually being able to feel something for another person. That trust. Alot of times I "feel" { description - I think of the feeling and logically know what it is, but there are no sense with it - just thought.} this with her when I look at her and I run faster than you can imagine! Sound familiar? If not then I'm going the wrong way here.

Anyway, it is so hard to accept those feelings from someone else, but then to actually feel them back is even harder. Makes us so vulnerable.

I'm hoping you are feeling a little better. It's a wonderful experience that you had and you should cherish it.

Smiley

It feels almost silly to be moved by such an experience… but I do… It’s been a rough week and sometimes, I remember this and I want to just crawl up into and hold these moments… the good feelings about the moments I had with my T… and then I think of not just the feelings, but seeing her again… and I’m so ready to run. Hmm. Not the feelings so much, but experiencing them with someone else…

STRM and smiley ~ thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement and understanding (and reading through my super long post!)

STRM ~

quote:

It sounds to me like you are feeling emotions from past events and the sense of needing to flee might be coming from that. It is coming up in the presence of your T because you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable and feel it. It is going to feel weird to have the kindness and the attunement because that isn't what you are used to.

oh, I hate feeling vulnerable… but I think you have really hit the nail on the head. I find her response to be so new. It shouldn’t be new. I feel the feelings of the past and when I let down my guard and let the feelings show… when I am with her… in the moment… and she doesn’t shame me or try to fix me like people in the past have… and I’m not just talking about the feelings but experiencing them… In order to be vulnerable, I have to experience it and let her in on the experience so to speak...

quote:

What if the next time you are with T and you feel like you want to fly away or flee that you just let your body do what it wants to do.

My T has said the same thing! great minds think alike.
I hope I can. I hope I will. Shiesh, I hope I will let me show up with another person, with her, even when it means being vulnerable.



Smiley ~

I’m sorry you struggle to make eye contact too – it’s rather difficult to manage… it seems small but can be feel so huge to do!

quote:

I think I'm afraid to actually have the feeling. The emotion of actually being able to feel something for another person. That trust.

Yeah, trusting to let myself feel something for the other person is so hard... the feelings are there... ugh...

I talked to my regular T about it yesterday. I couldn’t even handle talking directly with her about experience I have had with her that is the same, but I told her I have felt this with my other T once before too. Connecting in a way that risks feelings for the other person…

thanks for your support and helping me hang on to the good in all of this and not run...



yikes, I feel so weird and mixed up about seeing my T again. I feel better about all the mixed up feelings and experiencing them though.

~jane

quote:

yikes, I feel so weird and mixed up about seeing my T again. I feel better about all the mixed up feelings and experiencing them though.

Totally understandable to feel mixed up about seeing her again, but I'm glad that you are feeling better are the mixed feelings.

One of the first times that I really let my T in and actually allowed myself to feel her caring and attunement I was freaked! It felt so good and so right and yet so scary at the same time. I remember the next time I went in to see her I told her that surely she had made an error and that she had offered me something that she hadn't really intended to offer and that I didn't feel that I could really allow myself to get used to that because it was clearly a mistake and not something meant for me. T was lovely and reassured me that it is going to feel weird, but that it is something that would be offered freely and without reservation and that I needn't worry about having it taken away. That really opened to door to allowing (little by little) more vulnerability and from that has come great progress.

You are doing great work Jane!!