My old T said on a couple of occasions that she "I would have been proud to have a daughter like you." Once it was in context of talking about family (and family rejection of me) and two other times it was more out of the blue, in the context of talking about other stuff.

She said it before the relationship between us got super rocky and eventually unmageable.

Now, it's come back to me and I feel really weird that she said this.

I didn't want her to be motherly. I'm not sure if she was trying to be or not - or even if she was self-aware if she was trying to be or not. I don't even want to try to connect feelinsg I felt about her with how I felt about my mom - but I think it is because in the end, just as the relationship feel apart, before it totally ended, it felt like I had to be ok in order for her, my T, to be ok - and my mom is very much that way.

I wish my T hadn't said that. I have a mother who doesn't want me except when it makes her feel good because I have xyz acomplishments or whatever that make her feel good about herself, and I had a T who wanted me... and I think at the time, she was trying to be unconditional about her accpetance of me and trying to counterbalance the mixed rejection from my mom... but it doesn't feel good now... I didn't need my T to be my mother or want to have me as a daughter or think she would have been proud to have me as her daughter, unlike my parents. I needed her to be my T who was ok about herself if I wasn't ok. I don't think she was in the end.

I wish she would have never said that. It just hurts right now.

(((Janedoe))) I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm also having a lot of confusion with my T (who is a guy around my Dad's age) acting fatherly toward me sometimes. He has called me "Kiddo" a number of times, even after I let him know it was what my Dad called me. If I ever seem distressed by it, he apologizes and offer to stop. He also compliments/praises me a lot in a kind of paternal way (though that may just be my perception). I guess in my case, I don't mind as long as it's something he's chosen to do for a therapeutic reason. But if it's unconscious counter-transference, I start to feel ashamed for bringing that out with my neediness. And if I am just reading into it too much and it really means nothing, well, that's pretty humiliating too. It brings up a lot of confusing feelings for me.

I specifically refused to have a female therapist, because they almost always bring out in me the sort of thing you're talking about. T was my husband's T before my own and he kept recommending I also get therapy for the traumatic event that caused hubby to go. He referred me (though my husband) to a woman who practices out of the same center. I tried calling her to see her fees and had a brief conversation, where she referred me to some of their licensing students because I was saying her rates were too high. I immediately had such a bad reaction to just that five minute phone call that I knew I was right in my initial instincts to avoid a woman T for now. I have a Mom who has seemed to only know I exist when she needs something, but every time I go see her play a gig (she's a pianist), she announces, "This is my daughter who graduated from Stanford!" like it's something she accomplished, rather than the reality that she was often an obstacle I had to overcome to get there. I'm so sorry your T didn't perceive or maybe wasn't sensitive enough to what those sort of comments did. That would drive me nuts!

I can't help but think it was a bit narcissistic of your T to think you needed her to be maternal towards you. Why is it that Ts always assume we need to relive our relationship with our parents with them? Sometimes you just want a T to be a T.

interesting. my dr. pa has told me three times that 'you should know that any normal parent would love to have you as a daughter'. kinda the same thing, except third person. i think what i WANTED, jane, was what you got. i can see now, tho, that he wouldn't give me that, directly. but, indirectly i see what he was doing. perhaps your t was trying to communicate that same thing, for quite the same reasons. just a wording issue, that i can see now, makes it a bit squirmy.

just thought perhaps this is what your t really meant. maybe?

of course, i asked mine, halfheartedly, if i was too old to adopt.

needless to say, third person replies are called for with me, lest i jump in your lap and suck my thumb!! jill

hey Jane,

Sometimes I wanted to be my T's daughter, to receive all the love that he used to anyway, give me in our first three years together. But if he ever said anything like that to me, that he would have loved to have had me as a daughter, despite my deep longings, it would have totally screwed me up too and confused our relationship and the boundaries of our relationship. Recently, my T brought up some business stuff a lot and it actually made me feel good. That there are boundaries to this relationship because my feelings and longings were getting out of control and painful and I couldn't find the edge.

She may not realize the effect the comment had on you. She may have been saying something she thought you wanted to hear. maybe you can tell her how uncomfortable the comment made you feel or somehow get the boundaries reestablished? Is it as if now you are going to worry about her needs and pleasing her?

Jane,

I've been thinking about this more as my T has made similar comments. She has said that my mom is missing out by not having me in her life and that my mom would have been lucky to have a daughter like me. She hasn't said that she herself would like to and I think that would probably make me feel really sad, because there are parts of me that would have loved to have a mother that behaves like she does (of course it's not probably how she acts in real life all of the time). She did say something once that really messed with me for a while and it was, "if you were my daughter I would scoop you up and hold you and comfort you." This was before we did those sort of things in my therapy. It broke my heart because I really did need and want that and it felt like if only I had been born to the right person then I would have had that.

Anyway, I think what T's often are trying to get at when they use these types of phrases is that there is nothing wrong with us and that the issue lies with the parent.

If it really upset you, I would encourage you to talk with your T about it and explore why it was so upsetting. I know, easier said than done!

I can't decide if I want it to be something my T genuinely feels or not.

If he genuinely feels paternal toward me, I will fill honored, but also afraid my calling attention to it will make him feel he has crossed boundaries, counter-transference or whatever, and he will withdraw suddenly. That is why I have been abusing these transference feelings out of myself and practically begging him to just neglect me or let me give up. If I let myself "have" that care in order to process the hurt behind it and he takes it away suddenly, I will be done trusting him (or at least I might as well get a new T, because I will be starting from scratch).

If it is something he is doing on purpose to draw out that abandoned/neglected child part of me, I will feel a bit manipulated and find it hard to ever believe his concern for me isn't fake. I will "buy in" to the fact that caring about me takes effort and no one naturally wants to do it, but must force themselves into it. If he is doing it on purpose, I need there to be transparency.

My poor T is trapped. Thanks to my transference BS, it's impossible for him to do anything "right." My T has never labeled me as a good kid (he has called me a good mom, smart, perceptive, a good writer, therapist potential, etc.) or my parents as not appreciating me. He really tries to get me to make those statements myself, I guess. I won't!