Hi

I'm fairly new to seeing a therapist. After about 12 visits I finally started to talk to her. When I ask her how I get over the feelings I have, she tells me that I have to "own" them. I have asked her to explain what she means, she did but in technical terms, I still didn't get it and certainly didn't want to look stupid and ask her to explain again.

Can anyone here give me an idea of what she is looking for from me?

In my experience, "owning" my feelings has been letting myself really feel them, name them, make friends with them, not judge them and as hard as it is, talk about them. After 5 or so years of therapy I've got being sad down pat and am still working on letting myself feel joy. Fear has always been my specialty but anger is the most illusive.

There is no right or wrong way to do it but when you finally get there you'll know.

Hi River,

Thanks, that makes things a little clearer. But when you say 'let yourself feel them' are you saying that she wants me to cry or get angry when I am talking ot her about them?

I struggle continually with this therapy thing (I have always been the person that says "Therapy? Who needs therapy, just get over it already!"). But after my mini breakdown my GP pretty much told me I had to see a Shrink. I don't know what to talk about because I think everything is so trivial, yet I know deep down inside that these 'little' things are eating me up. So talking was hard enough, I can't imagine 'feeling' or 'owning' anything.

Sorry, I didn't mean to ramble on there. It's apparently really easy to talk to people when they don't know who you are !

Holly

Therapy is best done in small doses, taking baby steps. Even if you just bring up one thing that is bugging you, no matter how trivial, and maybe even ask your T to help you identify how you feel about this then you can start exploring those feelings and testing out what they do to you. How does your body respond? What thoughts do you have or memories? Feelings aren't logical so what ever you come up with may seem silly and unimportant but you have to start somewhere. You can even start with something that happened to you that day like getting stuck in traffic or losing one of your favorite earrings. Isolate that experience and start trying to name the feelings that it stirs up inside of you. The next step is then to feel the feeling as long as it lasts. This is harder said than done sometimes and much easier to do with T than when you're trying to work or drive or whatever. Just sitting still with a feeling can be excruciating for me because I always want to stop myself from feeling it, especially if it doesn't seem justified somehow.

Man, now who is rambling?

HollyBaby0

Welcome to the forum. You have definitely found the right place to express yourself. Everything that you just said is sooo...... familiar to me. I have been going to therapy for two years and I am still struggling with the "why can't I just get over it" thoughts. It took me a long time to understand "owning" the feelings. And I still have stuff that I am afraid to bring up, but little by little as I trust my T more and more, I am facing my fears.

And in all honesty, your T is not looking for anything "from" you. She is there to catch your sadness and hold your emotions and feelings, and validate how you are feeling. And she will wait for you to bring these things up, she won't talk for you. And trust me, all this is easier said than done.

I used to think that therapy was only for weak people. Wow, have I changed my outlook on that! You are taking a very strong and courageous step by entering therapy. It is a difficult journey with lots of twists and turns, but in the end it will be worth it all.

Keep posting here. You will find so many understanding and compassionate people who will help you through this.

PL

Hi Holly!

Welcome to the forums. I'd say HB and River are spot on, of course.

I might add that continuing to ask your therapist what she means, and explaining how what she says makes you feel. Like, if it sounds technical and you don't understand it, are you feeling angry? (I get angry.) or lost? or...scared? confused? sad? *insert 1000 possible reactions*

That might be a way to try to get her to tell you more. I use that strategy a lot when I don't understand something my T says.

I'm also doggedly persistent, I'm afraid.

Wow, thank you all for your advice. I feel like I have a better understanding of what she is looking for from me and that I obviously need to be a little more persistant in getting a clear understanding from her.

I'm glad that I found this Forum, you all seem so down to earth. I'm looking forward to talking more with you all and adding to the other forums.

Thanks again.

Hi HollyBabyO (I love this tag)

quote:

When I ask her how I get over the feelings I have, she tells me that I have to "own" them.

The way I had this first explained also left me feeling confused. I too went to counseling with the mindset of "I need instruction or the step-by-step method of feeling less hurt and more happiness...like normal people" and was met with the dumbest response (I thought at the time) -- "get in touch with your feelings." EH?

To cut to the chase, I'd sometimes ask, "How do I stop feeling this?" or "What can I do to feel better?" Here's what I discovered -- all my life I've been missing the point. Everyone feels pain, it's how we handle it (or own it) that is the journey. I like to pretend mine isn't around by constantly considering the feelings of others, or by drinking, or some other diversion. So, for me, "owning my pain" means sitting in it. When I do get brave and actually think about what I"m feeling, it starts with me asking myself, "How are you doing?" Then, I try to be honest: "I feel miserable (angry/sad/frustrated)!!!" I cry (often to my sis, Holly), and I consider what my inner voice is now saying, as I "own my pain." Often, it's something like, "Stop whining!" or "You are such a loser!" or something equally cruel.

Listening to the inner, reactionary voice is important because I realized one day that I punish myself for feeling by coupling the intense feeling (a direct reaction to some outside circumstance) with the inner belief that I shouldn't feel this way.

And that's the crux. The tail-tale sign of my strange processing is my inability to open up, even in counseling for over a year!!!! If a coworker smacked me upside the head tomorrow, I could easily say that it hurt and made me angry...maybe even demand their job! But weep in front of others and admit that it made me feel like I'd been reduced to a nobody, unlovable and unloved? Never! I couldn't even admit it to myself...until therapy.

Of course, lighting up all the space and seeing all those surprising other hurts hiding behind the obvious ones "clears the air" so to speak. I can then come to new conclusions and validate myself, forgive, and move on without the hidden hurts, like a cancer or something, eating away my self-worth in the dark.

Hi HollyBaby0-

Everyone seems to have answered your question pretty well, but I just wanted to say "I agree" and HI! Welcome, welcome!

-CT

Hello QueenGrey

Thank you so much for your message, and also for your obvious, yet so well placed EH! You've been to Canada HUH? hehehe
You're also pretty lucky to have a sister that you can talk to or to cry on, I only have brothers and they are all little useless! I think everyone should hav a Holly in their lives .. we make pretty good listeners.

I can only hope that my P will be able to pull me through some of my obvious hurts to find the hidden ones, the ones I don't even know exist, but must be there if I feel so bad so often.

I'm glad to hear of your success and others successes no matter how small or how long it took to attain them. It gives me hope that I will find my way too.

Thanks again to everyone for your comments.

Be well!
Holly

Hi CT

Thanks for your welcome to the Forum. I hope to chat with you soon

Holly

quote:

So, for me, "owning my pain" means sitting in it. When I do get brave and actually think about what I"m feeling, it starts with me asking myself, "How are you doing?" Then, I try to be honest: "I feel miserable (angry/sad/frustrated)!!!" I cry (often to my sis, Holly), and I consider what my inner voice is now saying, as I "own my pain." Often, it's something like, "Stop whining!" or "You are such a loser!" or something equally cruel.

Listening to the inner, reactionary voice is important because I realized one day that I punish myself for feeling by coupling the intense feeling (a direct reaction to some outside circumstance) with the inner belief that I shouldn't feel this way.

thanks QueenGrey, i think a penny has just dropped inside me...

SB

SB -- wonderful!

Hi Hollybaby,
Just wanted to say hi and welcome to the forums! Great question, btw, and some great answers.

AG