i double posted

[QUOTE]Originally posted by jill:
after today's really bad session, i wrote her an email as follows....

Dear Dr. X

Subject: today


i am not afraid of you, i am mad at you. these are some rules for working with me. rule: i do not want to hear stories. especially stories about soldiers in war, that makes me trivialize my stuff. i do not want to hear about frivolous women and bar stools, that makes me think you think that i am like that and feels insulting. none of that supports what i am doing or seems helpful in any way. i do not like stories. i have TOLD you that, why haven't you heard me?? again, perfect example of me not knowing what i am supposed to 'get', and it just leaves me back at validation. which as you saw, led me to feeling like i don't deserve to be in therapy....soldiers have REAL problems. please drop the pointless stories. drop them all.

i hear you say i am frustrating, telling me that feels like a cheap glancing blow and is such an old story for me and hurts. my intent is not to be frustrating. but i was in a tight corner and i knew i didn't have enough time to 'go there' and come back so that is why i wanted out.

rule: if you plan on doing inner child work, start earlier. when i get to that place and in two minutes hear the bell for the next patient, it is too late. it was 4:30, i looked. don't take me there without enough time for me to get comfortable and catch my breath in that space and do some real work. one is very vulnerable there and 4:30 was too late to get started and i knew it. take responsibility for that and don't tell me i just wouldn't 'hop on the train' and leave...it is not that simple, you know i come out shell-shocked for awhile. bad timing. i can get over it, but join in the issue.

i hear i am difficult, i got the memo. the question is, are you up for the challenge? i do have rules and these are some. don't put it entirely in my lap that that was a trainwreck today. i appreciate you. i want to get better. i am able to do inner child work in a careful environment, but not with a doorbell ringing and a client waiting and no time left on the clock. i don't like or need to ease into 'it' for over an hour and then find myself in the deep end with five minutes left. that was your control, not mine, and i knew i didn't have time to go there so i asked to leave. you could have reassured me. but somehow it landed in my lap. it is hard to go 'there', i can only shut out so much, and a five minute clock is too much. please respect that. that is reasonable.

you are good at what you do, i am a reasonable person. i am one to get down to business pretty fast, i know where i want and need to go. i have told you. i either trust you or i don't, and my presence in your office should signify my trust. you are going to have to give me your best even if you don't like me, and i will give you the same. and i don't dislike you. but today, this stuff really hurt me.

i will continue to give you my rules, and i invite you to do the same. let me know if you are up for this patient, if not, i will forge on. no worries either way, i would rather know now than later. i may not 'flow' like the typical client, i have no idea. but this is how i flow. i come ready to get to business, i don't like stories, i need time in the inner child area to grow and heal. you probably hate me and are just happy to see me go away. to that i can just say 'get in line'.

more than anything, i think it really stinks that you didn't follow up with me in any way. i find that unkind. i am angry with you for this. really angry. why is caring and kindness not a part of this???? i just don't understand that, and i guess i never will. it is hard to work on attachment issues in this way. and being left in a spot in that child state with your caretaker NOT having time or reassurance really hurts. yes, i know that is 'old pain' but it hurts again. things happen, but i think it would have been considerate to send a text or email to say that you did not like that the day ended like it did and you wanted to 'check in'. is that so hard?? that hurt more than anything else. this SO typifies my life, i always am the one to make amends. and i don't know what i did wrong. i just know 'pain' and my response is to look for self-blame, as no one else speaks up.

i am so angry with you for your lack of follow-up on me. that really hurt me, made me feel very unimportant. and i can't think of a therapuetic benefit for me. i can't find any excuse. i would love to hear how not caring was for my benefit.

i don't know what to do. i really don't.

jill



Her response is as follows

After reading what you wrote here, it is apparent that I have my approach to working with people in therapy. You have your ideas of what you want from therapy or a therapist. It is clearly not a good match.

I do believe we both gave it our best effort. However, in my professional opinion, I do not see myself as the best therapist for you. Please do "forge on" in looking for another therapist. As you said, "no worries either way."

I wish you well,

Dr. 'X'

I'm sorry Jill. I know that must be very difficult for you. However, It sounds like it would be better for you if your t doesn't feel like they can help you. You wouldn't want to be with a person if they didn't really want to be there to help you right?

(((((Jill))))

oh, I can't say much because this bugs me, no, REALLY pisses me off the way she responded...

IMHO, you are better off with another T. Your email should have been such a useful tool to work with to make the therapy even better - i'm proud of you for sending it... I have to stop typing as I am so mad at your T for you! terminating like that as the only response to your email? and terminating without a conversation about it? and terminating over email? and without refferals or care until you get hooked up with another T? and... ok, look, your T's email and the way she responded and is chosing to end therapy with you is unethical at best. I have learned that T's can't just suddenly dump care once they have started doing therapy with you. it's just wrong, wrong, wrong... and to do it instead of... oh jill I am so MAD at your T! (k, maybe this is me just speaking from a lot of my own stuff - maybe WAY too much so.) I am very proud of you fro working so hard in therapy and working so hard to make your needs and hurt known and it seemed so clear form the email you sent you were looking for a way to move forward and to work through it in a way that worked for both of you. I am so proud of you for that. It is a sign you are getting better and you are so strong and amazing. Your T however, well, frankly, I think she sucks. period. but perhaps others will have better response - I'm just mad at your T and really think you are better off without her. It doesn't sound like she can hack someone can call her out on something and say this doesn't work for me, let's find what works for both of us.

oh jill, how are you doing with this?

(((((((((Jill)))))))))) I am SO sorry, Jill, this totally sucks. FWIW I didn't think her "approach" was clear at all. I also think she is taking your emotions about it personally and not seeing "through" them to what you are actually asking for. And I don't think what you are asking for is anything that is out of bounds for therapy. But I do agree with Smiley, at least she is being "honest" enough to let you go, so you can find a T who will provide a safe place to do inner child work in a supportive manner and without the distractions you described. Please keep talking about it, I know how hard it is to start over...but on the flip side, I can also tell you that when I found the "right" therapist, then I was (eventually) glad the other one let me go, because then all the energy I was putting into the therapy was actually going into the therapy the way it was supposed to, instead of being wasted continually trying to repair what could never be a good connection, for whatever reason. But the in-between part hurts so so much and you have my heartfelt sympathy.

Big hugs,
SG

Jill,

Wow! I am so sorry that this has happened, but most of all I am so shocked by her response that I'm nearly speechless. I'm sure that your letter was upsetting to her, but it would have been a perfect way to really get into some good work and really talk it out between the two of you. I don't think that her approach was right. I had concern when you mentioned that she was already trying to do inner child work. That is something that takes so much time to work up to and 8 sessions in (I believe you said) I think is dangerously soon to be "going there" especially with a dissociative client (I think you have said you are dissociative, if not I'm sorry).

I am just so shocked by her cold and uncaring response. Did she even offer a referral? She has professional responsibility in this and to throw your statements back at you and say "no worries either way" is shockingly unprofessional. It shouldn't matter what you said. This reminds me of parenting in that no matter how big of a tantrum the child is throwing (not saying you were by the way), as a parent you don't stoop down to their level and have one too! That just makes things worse.

((((hugs))))

Oh Jill

I can't even begin to express my shock and horror at this T. This is very horrible of her. And such a response when you are clearly hurting and clearly looking for solace.

I think throwing in the no worries quote was especially snide on her part and completely unnecessary. Because a good T and empathetic person would read between the lines enough to know that No worries means No don't go? (at least it does for me)

Jill, my goodness, I wish I didn't know how bad this hurts but I do and I SO wish you did not have to go through this now. And I swear she sounds just like my cold-hearted ex T.

But from where I stand, you did nothing wrong so please don't look for self-blame. You opened up to her with your honest feelings and your heartache and she responded with complete lack of empathy and disregard for your pain, imo. My mouth literally dropped open reading her response.

I AM SO MAD at her! Damn it!

And I feel so helpless. I want to be able to do something for you. Am unsure if my words can even begin to offer comfort in moments like this. I wish I could be a big blanket and just wrap you up and hold you so you don't feel let down.

This T let you down big time and in my opinion 8 sessions was enough time to know if she was going to bail on you.

Again it goes back to my old lament: Why even friggin be a T if you want to pick and choose clients like apples at the farmer's stand????? More and more bad T stories seem like they want easy clients. But what is an easy client??? We didn't get to pick out issues or pick the way we deal with them. And then when people abandon us again and again leaving us to hold this bucket of life-long crap that only gets heavier and heavier as more people get adding their crap to our buckets instead of helping us dump it out.

She added her crap to your bucket. Let you get attached, start trusting. Fully aware of the issues with Ts 1 & 2. And still threw crap in your bucket. What a *****

And called you frustrating? I find her reaction appalling and frustrating.

Jill, you have been so fun, sweet, caring, loving, nice, kind, gentle, warm, expressive. You've demonstrated good parenting ideas in your posts and are very articulate about what you want and need out of therapy.

JILL YOU ARE GOOD!!!!!Please keep that in mind through this rough rough road. You are a very good person.

In fact, you're more than good, because you're all that while dealing with your struggles. I hope you keep posting and keep being strong on here. You can rant, yell, scream if you need to. I'll try to check in often ok.

Jill I'm so sorry I feel like I can't do more. I really wish I could. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you as much comfort and rest as possible. Don't even start thinking about T4 yet. We'll work on that later ok. Just take care and nurture yourself today.
((((((((((((((((HUGS((((((((((Love(((((JILL)))))Love))))))))))HUGS))))))))))))))

Jill- I am so very very very sorry. This whole situation sounds horrible.

I don’t know how she came to the conclusion that it was okay to terminate with you from reading your email. That’s ridiculous.

You’re first paragraph makes totally sense. Doesn’t every therapist know that therapy is supposed to be about the client and not a time to share personal stories that have nothing to do with said client?

It sounds like she has no idea how to handle it when clients get to a difficult place at the end of therapy. This does happen sometimes, but she should be a little understanding about it! I mean seriously, its common sense.

I really hate her response. Using your line of “no worries either way” was completely messed up. I know that’s not the way you meant it.

I’m sorry. All of your requests were so reasonable- I understood every one of them. And the fact that she didn’t see that is very sad.

I'm left totally speechless..........i am so sorry that this has happened to you.
((((((((jill)))))))))))

draggers

I am completely appalled! I can't understand how you could be treated this way. It is so weird.?? WTF???

Obviously it is her problem, not yours, Jill..I am so sorry. If a therapist can't take a letter like yours, then I don't think they should be therapists. They should find a different profession. And to terminate without closure for you is especilally cruel. I am so sorry.

Love,

BB

oh my goodness!! Like dragonfly, I am totally speachless....Jill, I am soooooooooo sorry that you have to experience this....

S

jill:

i`m so sorry this happened to you. Writing the letter was SO brave!
keep up the spirit girl! You have all the rights to be angry-

I should have written a better response, sorry- but my english is horrible, and i`m scared to juse all the wrong words here, this is so emotional stuff.

so for now: Good luck and I hope you recover from all this.
all the best-
frog

Oh jill.....
I am so sorry. I agree that she handled this very unprofessionally, and if she can't handle this, then you likely are better off with another T. It does not, however diminish your feelings about what happened - and I would guess you have a few!! You have been quiet.....how are you doing??

Just saw your other thread!! Take care and be gentle with yourself, jill.

just a quick response to all of you sweet people out there who have responded here or pm'd to me, asking what happened next...

i am doing fine, the five year old was definitely at the wheel for a few days, but, this is just plain old attachment stuff. it wasn't her as much as what i thought she could maybe be. and, in hindsight, there are things about her i never liked, but chose to ignore.

number one, being her BODY ODOR!! it was really weird! she was pretty heavy, and maybe that had something to do with it, idk, but, i noticed that the first day! she would rotate about three or four different shirts in the probably 12 appts i had, i don't think she washed them maybe?? funny, but she always seemed to have the same thing on, just different color. not that 'fashion' is a criteria, but...BODY ODOR is gross!! two, she obviously is not equipped to handle a more complicated case. that last day, i basically went into a panic in the five year old state when she was just not handling me well, as it was the very end of the session and the client had already rung the doorbell when she entered the lobby. and T3 just didn't know how to handle it, and following up with her with anger in my email just was more than she was equipped skill wise to deal with. she doesn't know enough about attachment patients as she scolded me when i left saying something about 'sometimes you need to be a grown up', etc.

anyway, i do recall in one of her pointless stories (all with the conclusion of her bragging about herself, the authors she knows and "has had in her office", the good looking vet who she helped, none of it relating to me)anyway, this one was her telling me all about her messed up family, and one issue came through, she wasn't allowed to express anger as her mom had asthma and it would send her into an attack, so NO WONDER she couldn't handle MY APPROPRIATE ANGER at her!! THAT is HER TRIGGER!! i maintain, they don't get into this business coz they have it all figured out!!
anyway, it is good to be done with her body odor for one thing!!

and, if i really admit it, i had a sense from the beginning that she was one that could turn on you on a dime. just a bitterness or mean spirit i sensed. and, despite all her promises that "she is not one of those that can't admit when they make a mistake and that she is capable of apologizing and asking for forgiveness" ... it seemed stilted at the time, and my sixth sense was right!! she didn't accept responsibility for her misguided session and chose to blame me.


anyway, i am fine, and just love laughing NOW at the body odor!!

hope y'all are all well, much affection for you all! jill