I don’t know why, but I was thinking about how I heard people say they share a lot in common with their Ts. And it made me start to think about all the things that I “know” about my T.

And in thinking about these things, I wonder which ones are really real and which ones are things she has just said to connect with me.

I know that she:

Is a girl (hee hee ok that’s easy)

Likes art (she’s an art T, easy too)

Was not originally a T but changed careers

Does not like chocolate icecream (me too)

Does not like our local cable company (me too)

Does not like to acknowledge her age

Doesn’t kill bugs

Has a mac

Likes lavender

But that’s really the extent that I know about her personally. And all those sort of were revealed is response to something I said I do or didn’t like. I’ve only been with her 7 months so I suppose this list might grow as I know her more.

Looking at what I know about her makes me think about how much I want to know or not. I’d prefer not to know her preferences on religion, politics, etc. But I want to know (or at least believe) that we are compatible in thought. Like that brings an extra sense of closeness between us.

What do you guys think? And if you want to share your T “facts” that's great too.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Forlorn,

-Forlorn

"The only thing preventing you from succeeding is your failure to believe in yourself"

He has a wife.

He doesn’t watch TV.

I know the name of the schools that he went to, but I don’t want to post them here because that would give away the city I live in.

The two schools that he went to are both Christian schools. We never discuss religion though.

He likes to leave his tea bag in his tea for the whole entire session. I told him that you are only supposed to let tea bags steep for 3-5 minutes but he says it’s his preference to just leave them in the whole time.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Mac,

As most of us love to talk about our T's, this thread is a good one, Forlorn.

quote:

And in thinking about these things, I wonder which ones are really real and which ones are things she has just said to connect with me.

I, for one, tend to experience these kinds of doubts (um, dare I say paranoia ) but have been comforted when my T has "revealed" things about herself that secretly I already knew from other sources. So basically, I knew she was telling me the truth. I have never caught her in a lie, and believe me, I look for dishonesty!

Although I am sure I would be blown away to get to know my T in her real and personal life, yet I feel I've learned quite a bit about her in the year I've known her. Occasionally she has revealed something personal that has caused me paranoid concern, but we've always eventually discussed it until it becomes nothing of consequence. Additionally, there have been a few things which, to my frustration but supposedly for my own good, T has been unwilling to disclose. Most of what I do know has served to increase my trust and rapport with her, so I think she must be very skilled in the area of self-disclosure.

Here are just some of the things I know (some from googling, others from her own disclosure):

Her age and birth month (but not exact day)
Her Family Tree, and her husband's Family Tree (names of ancestors, siblings, & descendants)
She is oldest of 6 children (3 sisters, 2 brothers) and she has 5 children of her own (2 daughters, 3 sons)
What each of her children look like, their ages, their spouses names, and city of residence
What her grandchildren look like
I have met one son and two grandchildren and regularly speak with her daughter-in-law because she is her receptionist
Both her daughters have been victims of DV
One of her sons is a real screw-up, in his marriages, career, with the law, etc.
Her past conflicts with her deceased parents
Her husband is retired Air Force veteran who apparently likes to cook
She and her daughter-in-law are two of the thinnest people I have ever known
By contrast, one of her sisters is over 350 lbs
One of her brothers is quite abusive to everyone in his life
She owns many acres of land and 7 horses.
She has an indoor fish pond at home
She used to have a dog who was run over and killed at least a year ago
At least 4 states she has lived in, besides current state.
She plays the piano, mostly by ear.
Her religion
She listens to talk radio
She doesn't like Obama
She used to get drunk a lot on weekends in her earlier adult years
She was twice a victim of SA
How each of her parents died
She doesn't like to wear pink nor tons of jewelry
She claims she has a few traits of OCPD
She has taken AD's at some point in her past
She currently takes thyroid medication
She eats lots of saltine crackers
She usually skips lunch
She plays hard on weekends, frequently traveling out of town

A few things I don't know but would like to know are:

What her exact address is, not just the city
What her husband looks like (he's the only near relative I can't find a picture for online)
What some of her specific religious views are
The nature of her SA experiences
What she truly thinks about me
How often she thinks about me

I am interested in whether anyone here thinks it is unusual or unhealthy for me to know what I do? Or is it typical?

Oh wow, I know way more about my T (and ex-P) than I probably should.

I don't really feel like making a huge list, because it might be too specific and identify too much about where we live, and who they are, and I'm paranoid about either one reading here and recognizing me/themselves. (Unlikely, I know! Which is why I call it "paranoid", lol.) But here's the short version.

About my current T, I know:

where she lives (next door to one of my best friends)

One of her daughters because she has been our pet-sitter on occasion (before I was in therapy or even knew T existed)

Her husband's name and what he does for a living

Where she and her husband grew up

All sorts of random preferences, hobbies, political views...
In short, way too much, I think

I haven't mentioned the first two items to my T, but I suppose she might know that I'm over at my friend's house often. It's a little weird to park my car in front of her house and then go in my friend's backyard, and be able to hear T and her family talking in their backyard... So I just prefer to pretend like I'm oblivious and don't know it's her house.

About my ex-P I also know too much, partially because he talked about himself and his family a lot (kids names and ages, hobbies, his wife is a slob, etc), and partially because I went on a little google spree at the peak of my transference craziness last year. (WOW that sounds creepy.) I also know some rumorous gossipy things about him from a mutual acquaintance, that I REALLY wish I didn't know. Or had known sooner.

Madhatter - We cross-posted. I think we probably know about the same amount of stuff about our T's. I've actually seen my ex-P's spouse in the grocery store; she was in line ahead of me. I was tempted to turn to her and say, "So... I hear you're a real slob." Of course I didn't do it.

quote:

I am interested in whether anyone here thinks it is unusual or unhealthy for me to know what I do? Or is it typical?

I don't think it's typical. I can't judge whether it's unhealthy or not... I know that I had a strong desire to know more about my ex-P because I had intense feelings for him, but now I wish I didn't know some of the stuff I do.

One thing that made it hard, like knowing he thought his wife was a slob, and hearing details of their arguments, was then I started to worry what he thought of me. My husband is OCPD and super critical. So naturally I started to worry that P thought my husband's criticisms were valid, because I'm probably a slob like his wife. (Total transference stuff, here!) Of course, I never had the nerve to actually bring this up in session. He would have swept it under the rug anyway.

I learned my lesson though. I don't want to know ANYTHING about my current T, but she won't shut up! Last week she even offered to introduce me to a good friend of her's who is recently divorced, in case I have questions about how the process works. (I've been feeling overwhelmed by the amount of paperwork involved and how to divide things up now that my marriage is ending.) Why would I want to meet her friends?!? I said No Thankyou.

Things I know about my T

Her address because she works from home
She has 2 kids

Thats all i know about my T, Ive never asked any questions about her (i think i feel im not allowed to ask) You think after 3 and half years of seeing her I would know more lol

Hev

quote:

One thing that made it hard, like knowing he thought his wife was a slob, and hearing details of their arguments, was then I started to worry what he thought of me.

I can clearly see that this is a prime example of how self-disclosure can be harmful to us. I can see why you would wish you didn't know that information! I myself worry so much what my T is thinking about me that I am hyper-sensitive to anything critical she might say, even if its about someone else.

Fortunately for me, my T seems to balance being honest with demonstrating acceptance. For example, even though she has disclosed flaws some of her family members have, she doesn't do it in a way that puts them down. She still communicates a loving sense of loyalty to them. I guess I am lucky. When I think about it, though, I don't think I could do disclosure right if I were the T. I would say the wrong thing all the time.

quote:

Things I know about my T

Her address because she works from home
She has 2 kids

Wow, Hev, that blows me away. How can your T remain so private for 3 1/2 years? It must not bother you or you would still not be with her. I have this problem that if I don't know SOMEthing then I start imagining BAD things. Knowing nothing works against me as far as trust goes. Knowing a few things helps calm me down.

quote:

I never ask questions either,i too feel like i wouldn't be allowed to ask.

DF, actually, I am hesitant to come right out and ask things, too. Most of what I know has not come from direct questioning. The questions I have asked have usually been preceded by her bringing up the subject first, and then I might ask her to clarify or elaborate. But it sort of feels like pushing a boundary to ask too many questions even then.

I remember one time my T asked me what my plans were for the weekend (just being nice & chit-chatty). I decided to ask her the same question back. She hesitated; I imagine she was weighing in her mind how much would be appropriate to tell me. For a few seconds I thought maybe she was annoyed at me for asking. But she decided to tell me her plans, that she was going to another state for a weekend get-away, and that it was a place she visited often. It sort of bothered me and comforted me at the same time, knowing she would be far away, and yet at least knowing where she was versus not knowing anything at all.

I don't know too much about my T, but I do know some things. One thing that is really huge in her life, I've known for months, but didn't let her know that I knew. She had given so many hints and some conversations we had made it obvious to me what it was. So, for a while there when I was talking about something that I knew must trigger this issue for her, I felt like there was an elephant in the room. It happened again on Monday so I came home and sent her a fax telling her that I knew. She called me and acknowledged that I was right. It is good to have that out there because it was driving me nuts!

I know what car she drives.
I know how long she's been in private practice and what she did before.
I know what training she has had and where it was.
I know how old she is and when her birthday is.
I know she has two daughters who are grown.
I know she has three cats and what their names are.
I know she has a brother, but not sure how many other siblings if any.
I know she has had past therapy and why (or at least for this one issue I know why).
I know a few other things, but I plead the 5th on those.

That's about it. She doesn't talk too much about her life. Sometimes it feels like she is being secretive. For example, she will mention that she is going on vacation, but when I ask her where she is going she always seems hesitant to tell me. That always strikes me as weird because it seems like a normal question to ask and it's not like I'm going to hop on a plane and follow her!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: scaredtoriskmyself,

The things I know about my T:

I know his age (one year and a half older than me)
I know that his birthday is in July
He drinks too much coffee and he likes drinking it cold (awfull!)
He's been therapist for few years only
He drives nearby where I live to get to work
I knew which car was his, but it broke down completely few weeks ago and he'd love to have a BMW instead
He used to have long hair when he was younger
He likes Metallica
He likes reading fantasy and legends
He had 3 therapists over 10 years time (2 men and 1 woman)
He was in therapy for the first time when he was a teenager
He played/plays rugby sometimes
He has 2 dogs and a cat (which he is not sure whether it's male or female)
He likes similar movies and TV series as I do.
I know where he did his training to become a therapist (and how much it cost)
I know one of his previous workplaces (not far from where I work now)
He also has a family (which is the only thing about him I can't stand)

Anyway, from the above list you can figure out that he simply is a perfect guy.

quote:

Originally posted by Amazon:
Anyway, from the above list you can figure out that he simply is a perfect guy.

absolutely!

My old T, I knew a lot about. Was it too much? hmm... I dunno. Most of the time, it seemed really helpful. Ironically, my old T was much more psychoanalytical than my current T.

My current T I don't know very much about, even though I've known her much longer. But every now and then she discloses something else and it's comforting. I guess it makes her seem more human... more real...

quote:

Originally posted by Amazon:
He has 2 dogs and a cat (which he is not sure whether it's male or female)

Oh this made me laugh! How can he not know this? I take it he wasn't a Biology major in college.

Other than that, yes, he does sound perfect. Rugby, huh? Mmm...

quote:

But every now and then she discloses something else and it's comforting. I guess it makes her seem more human... more real...

This is how I feel about my T's disclosures too. But maybe after what I did today my T will stop disclosing. I hope not, because that would make me so sad.

Today I mentioned this thread to my T in session. I told her how some of you only know a few things about your T's, like that they have 2 kids or what kind of car they drive, and that's about it. She said, "Well, you probably don't know that much more about me." I told her I knew a lot more than that. She asked how, and I said from online sources (I've told her in the past that I've googled her but maybe she forgot) and also I never forget anything she tells me. I started giving her examples from the list I posted earlier of all the things I know about her. I was actually trying to see if it would make her mad or if I could provoke some sort of reaction, but she stayed quite collected. She did claim she was amazed about two things: (1) That I could find all that information online, like she had no idea that much was available. And (2) That I would go to the effort to find it. I said, "Yeah, I just wanted to get all the freakiness out there. So at least you know I am being honest, but nothing I've found has changed my opinion of you in any way; they're just facts." I really was expecting her to react like I was a creepy lunatic-stalker, but instead she almost seemed honored. Weird, huh? Maybe she was just faking it.

MH, you are very brave to tell how much information about her you managed to find. I even didn't dare to admit that I did a google and facebook search but found nothing (except for his newly set up website on the psychotherapy service).
Yeah, that was some effort to make her mad at you bu she stayed just as she was. I think that's amazing.
I don't know though what she has against Obama, as he seems to be capable of doing the job. Yeah, I know we don't discuss politics here. Anyway, she seems to be great therapist.

Echo, about the cat... I was also amazed how can he not know this. He said the cat doesn't like to be caught and held.
I wondered, you don't have to literally grab the cat to check this out. He replied: It's a rather hairy cat.



I read that therapists disclosure can actually be very helpful, but needs to be done with care. Yalom (The Gift of Therapy)actually quite encourages it as it is suppose to result in clients sharing more secrets.

Hi Forlorn,

Nice to meet you! I'm a bit late coming to this post. It's interesting how little vs. how much some of us know about our Ts. I think Mad Hatter and I are probably tied on who knows what about their T. Here's my list:

Her age and birth month (not the exact day either, dang it!)
Her family tree and husband's family tree
She is the 2nd of 6 children, 4 girls and 2 boys, 2 sets of boy/girl twins.
She has 5 adult children, 2 girls, 3 boys.
She was a teacher before becoming a therapist.
She has lived in at least 8 other states besides the current state, as her husband held jobs all over the country.
Her husband ran for senate back in the 80s and barely lost.
Her husband currently teaches at the local university.
She likes Dove chocolate.
She likes the color apricot.
Her favorite flower is the orchid.
One of her passions in life is the opera.
She loves nice costume jewelry.
She was attached to a teacher in junior high school.
Her anniversary is the same month as mine.
I know her address and phone number (they're in the phone book)
I've seen photos of all her kids but one son.
I know where all her children live (cities only).
I know the cities where her siblings live.
I know her religion.
Her youngest son was an alcoholic at one time.
Her husband's hometown (near her own) is named after one of her ancestors.
Her father died when she was 31 (she's now 67 and just lost her mother in Feb.)
She's an avid reader and likes to hang out at Barnes and Noble.
Her and her husband's favorite restaurant is Romano's Macaroni Grill.

Some of this has been disclosed to me by my T, some of it I found out searching online. MH, to answer your question about whether this is unusual, unhealthy or typical, my T was surprised to find out that I knew what I did about her, and I think she probably wouldn't be shocked too much to know that I remember 'everything' she tells me about herself. She just thought it was a huge waste of time for me to have spent all that time online searching for stuff about her and her family when she said she would have told me what I wanted to know if I would have asked her. Yeah, like I would ever have the guts to ask her personal stuff! She has really tried to normalize my attachment issues and just said that it comes down to trying to fill deep needs that weren't met and seeking for those needs. And for you and me, I think it comes down to trust. I can't just open up and spill my guts to someone I don't know anything about. The more she discloses, the safer I feel. She just seems more human, more real, less perfect. I think it puts us on a more equal plane, like she's not on the pedestal and I'm not the little imp. My T wants me to see her as more of an equal, which I know some people would disagree with, but it helps me be able to connect more easily if I don't see her as this all-powerful T who hides everything from me and is a blank slate and all mysterious. That would make therapy nearly impossible for me, so I think for some of us, it's just something we need and I wouldn't call it unhealthy OR typical. Just a bit unusual, maybe. I'm okay with unusual.

MTF

Sorry, I decided to edit some of the more personal stuff out that my T told me in sessions. Kind of felt like I was betraying her confidence in me.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: MTF,

quote:

I think Mad Hatter and I are probably tied on who knows what about their T.

Actually, I think your list might be a bit longer than mine, hehe. Good work, MTF! (j/k ) We are the stalking sleuths of the board!

quote:

She just thought it was a huge waste of time for me to have spent all that time online searching for stuff about her and her family when she said she would have told me what I wanted to know if I would have asked her. Yeah, like I would ever have the guts to ask her personal stuff!

My T's reaction was kinda similar. She didn't actually say the words, but just shook her head with an expression that read like, "Wow, you really ARE hung up on me!" But my T would agree with you that its largely a trust issue. I told her my disclosure and honesty abt knowing this stuff was proof that I trusted her, but she was like "No, you don't trust me at all." And you are so right that the more she discloses, usually the safer I feel. Often its the unknown that causes the spinning.