I need to process last night's session, and since I really like hearing about other people's sessions, I thought I'd just put it out here.

We sat down and dove right into how things were going with my mother. I almost started to cry, which I haven't done much of in therapy, when I told him how nice it was to have her in the hospital, right next to the phone. I could just call her anytime, and she would pick up the phone. (In real life, she's really hard to get a hold of, sometimes for months at a time.)

T. really spoke to the "little girl in me." (His words, whenever I get to this raw, vulnerable place.) "The grown woman in you knows her mother isn't available, but the little girl in you really needs her mother."

So we sat with that a bit.

Then he asked about my drinking, which I've asked him to ask me. I need the accountability, but feel so shamed when he asks. And I haven't been drinking, but still, the shame. So we talked about that. He asked if I had wanted to drink this last week, and wanted to talk about the triggers for that. So, I started thinking back on my week and the times I was tempted to drink. What was going on?

And then I hit this wall. I had these very clear, very flooding memories of a very painful time in my life. I told him I didn't want to talk about it. We sat quietly for a bit. I muttered "this is so stupid." He said, "What's stupid?" I said, "This session. Me. Why can't I just talk?"

So we spent the next 30 minutes talking around this difficult issue.

I told him that I haven't really talked about any of this before, with anyone. I've never said any of it out loud. It's like cheating on weight watchers...if I don't write the food down in my food journal, I didn't really eat it. If I don't say it out loud, it didn't really happen. Or at least I can convince myself that it doesn't really matter to me. It's sort of a non-issue because I'm just not paying any attention to it.

He really validated that sometimes it is really hard to say things out loud. But that sometimes these things we hold in have so much power over us, and by sharing it, it loses it's grip somehow.

He knows how much my trust has been violated in the past. Times I've reached out for help and been hurt worse, most notably by a pastor and a former counselor. I told him how hard it is to trust him with this, even though I *know* it would be okay to do so.

He said that trusting someone is really all about trusting ourselves. For me to be vulnerable with him, I need to trust that I can handle whatever his reaction might be.

I thought this was very insightful.

He didn't let me off the hook at all, but was so patient with me. He said, "I'm pushing you here, because I think you're ready to talk about this. I think you need to talk about this. This may be the key to unlock some part of you that needs to be healed."

And then he asked if maybe there was a part of me that thought I was healthy enough, that maybe it would be scary to be truly well. To hold nothing back.

I think this may be partly true.

And then he kept offering different suggestions to try to make it easier for me. Like, "Maybe just tell me a small bit. Put your toe in the water so to speak." Or "Would it help to just blurt it out right before you go?" And then he chuckled, "As long as you come back. I've heard about a lot of affairs while I'm holding the door for someone, and then never seen them again."

At that point, I knew I would go there...tell him everything...but time really was gone, and I didn't want to "blurt and run."

I did tell him I appreciated his patience and he really was a kick-a** therapist. My reluctance to talk wasn't about him or our relationship. It was all me. He whispered, "I appreciate that."

He asked if I would feel like I had failed if I left without telling him, and I said I would. He leaned forward and looked me in the eyes and whispered, "Promise me you won't spend this next week telling yourself you're stupid? When you think of our session, give yourself kind messages. When that voice comes in to say you're stupid, listen to my voice. The voice that says, you're going to make it. you just need some time to work through this and that's okay. The voice that says there's nothing you could tell me that would change the way I think of you. The voice that says you're safe here. Can you do that?"

And so I left with a dose of undeserved kindness. I did feel like a failure last night, and it was all I could do to pick up my kids (they were at their grandparent's house), and get them home to bed. I took a xanax and went to bed myself.

This morning, I'm frustrated with myself. I know this process takes time. I'm always reminding everyone on this board to just dive in and trust their therapists -- and yet, the reality is so hard.

For today, I'm committed to talking back to the "stupid" voice in my head. I need to be patient with myself. I will get through this and process this over time...it just kind of knocked me over last night.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

BG,

Oh my goodness, reading your session made me teary! I think you did some great work there! I know that you feel like a failure, but I don't see this that way at all. I see it as laying the ground work for some really important work. You didn't fail to talk about it at all. You talked about how hard it is to talk about it and that is part of the work! I've spent many sessions doing just that and preparing to talk about something difficult.

Your T's words at the end were so kind and so true. I was teary reading them because I could feel the intensity of how much he cares and wants you to take that message in. You left with a dose of much deserved kindness. You are doing the work!!!

(((hugs)))

STRM - your words are like a healing balm. Thank you. It is laying the groundwork, I know. And next session, I hope to just jump in and say the things I need to say, and go from there.

It's just so hard when your brain says, "Yes. Say it." and your body / soul / everything else screams, "NOOOOOO!!! DON'T TRUST ANYONE!"

I feel like less of a failure because of your kind words...thank you.

Oh ((BG)) I've quickly scanned your post but can't respond tonight except to say it appears to have been pretty good (quick scan I repeat) - I'm way past my bedtime and coming down from my own emotional session this evening!!
Catch up soon - you're doing great!!!

quote:

If I don't say it out loud, it didn't really happen. Or at least I can convince myself that it doesn't really matter to me. It's sort of a non-issue because I'm just not paying any attention to it.

BG-
I am crying because I relate so so well with this. This is how I started therapy- (more like 6 months into therapy)but I learned that I was so wrong. Facing it is painful, but healing.

For such a long time, I bashed the "stupid little girl" and at times i still wrestle with this.

I am not an alcoholic, but my dad was , and I married one (in recovery). the stupid little girl- allowed herself to be sexually exploited and did not tell her family, her alcoholic dysfunctional family because there was no safety there. My abuser loved me in his own sick, sick way, which has led to enormous confusion in my life regarding imtimacy. (those that should have loved me, and protect me- couldn't; and one who did show me twisted love was wrong and sexually abusive- but always kind to me. This is why I don't trust people. This is why I question everyones motives.

I don't mean to make this about me; I was just so touched by your story, and these connections along with the tears came flooding out.

My T supported me as your T is doing. Trust him, and I know how hard that is. Forgive the little girl- accept that whatever happened, she was too small to know better. My experience was between the ages of 4-6 or 7. Process the pain and FORGIVE her. For me the forgiveness is a process, and the wounds still creep in- like now.
Many hugs for you, BG. If this is at all your story, I am weeping too - for your little girl.

((((BG))))))

I have to agree with STRM (I find myself doing that a lot ) that was a VERY powerful, hard-working session. Addressing how hard it is to talk IS doing the work. In some sense, as soon as you say there is something you can't talk about, you've put it out there.

And it's SO important that you can take your time and decide when you speak. When we experience trauma, especially when its abuse, our control is taken away. What is happening, it's forced upon us and so much faster than we can deal with. Healing is not just about speaking about it, but about you being able to control the pace at which you face this pain this time around. You are NOT a failure or a coward, so far from it you're not even on the same continent. And I've been in that place that you described so well when everything in you is screaming to not talk.

I had a session once when I didn't want to say something and when my T asked me why, I told him because I wasn't sure if he would stay if I said it. I was in the same sort of place where he was pushing me knowing it was important to speak. And his oh so reassuring answer to that fear was (a very gently spoken) there's only one way to find out, isn't there? Walking into that fear and speaking anyway is some of the hardest work you'll ever do, so it's good that you are first laying a foundation.

And I also agree with STRM, I started tearing up when I read what your T said to you (ok, at least partly because he made me homesick for my T ) but it is obvious that he deeply respects and trusts you as well as cares very much for you. Please be as kind to yourself as you can manage. When you start to hear those horrible statement, can you do me a favor? Stop and think to yourself: Would I say this to STRM? Would I say this to AG? Would I say this to ANYONE else on the forum? If the answer is no (and I know it will be) then ask yourself then why do you deserve to hear it? (Hint: the answer is you don't ).

Thank you for sharing such a powerful session. You're going to be ok.

AG

An aside-
For me- I was not able to speak of it, but I was able to write about it. T read my writing and I took in his kindness and was able to answer his questions, and- the little girl part of me drew a picture of my neighborhood, detailing her only safe place in the world at that time. It was high in a tree- at the very tip- top. Overlooking everything, being an observer, but separated from it. No wonder why I like mountain tops. (wow your post unloosed connections for me to look at, thanks for sharing. And oh so many safe hugs for you BG.

((((BG))))
oh thank you for sharing about your session. i don't have a lot of words right now to respond with. i was very deeply touched by your story and session.

keep talking back to that "stupid" voice and be as kind to you as you can. you deserve it.

~ jd

I can't tell you how much all of this support means to me. Thank you so much.

Morgs -- Thanks for checking in...even after your own intense session.

Mayo -- never apologize for sharing your story. Knowing you connected with it makes me feel less alone. And knowing some of your story helps, too. Mayo, I am so sorry for the abuse and pain you suffered as a child.

The self blame is nuts, isn't it? (I'm talking to myself here.) I look at my precious children and think about some of my experiences, and how would I respond if they came to me with something like that? And oh my word I would just gather them up in my arms and weep with them and reassure them that I am on their side and I will do everything I can to protect them and none of it is their fault. It's so easy to do for another and so hard to do for ourselves. I am really trying to be gentle with the little girl inside of me today.

And on the writing -- I have written a lot of things for my T. in the past and either read them out loud or had him read them out loud. He is very willing to work this way, and I might try it. I may try writing this week and see what happens. I'm also aware of how flooded I get emotionally over certain traumas, and in this case, it might be better to only share what I can share. Does that make sense? I might just choose one small thing and just process that. Baby steps.

AG -- Sigh. Thank you for our support. It really helps to know you've been here, in this place of not being ready to talk. I know it's normal, my T. tells me it's normal, and still I feel like a big ol' weirdo.

But I do need to take some time with this. And I am trying to give myself permission to do just that.

You are so right about what I would say to anyone else on this forum...easy to apply to others...much harder to believe it ourselves.

Jane -- thank you for your support and hugs. I know I deserve good things and kindness and mercy...I really believe this now, and I haven't always. It's still hard to take in sometimes, though.

BG - Thanks for sharing this session. It was very moving to me. I'm so glad you were able to really receive your T's kindness. Sometimes when my T says such things, I don't really hear or remember them, which makes me sad. I hope you are able to fight that voice. Even talking about why it is hard to talk is a very brave thing and absolutely not a failure!

Deepfried - I am glad I'm not the only one who needs to take baby steps.

I actually wrote a four page letter to my T. last week, and totally spilled my guts. It felt good to write, but also very triggering.

I started to panic that it was all "out there," which it's not. But even just acknowledging it to myself felt like too much.

Today, I feel safe again. Like, my T. really cares and we will get through this. I don't need to cover those four pages in my next session. (I didn't actually give him the letter. I don't think I will, honestly.)

I'm just going to take one small bit, and we'll talk about that.

I've been messed up for a long time. It's silly to think I can plow through it all in one or two sessions...(she says four years later...)

I'm in a good spot at the moment, and hoping to stay there through the weekend.


Yakusoku - I know how hard it is to really take in kindness. It's a struggle, but over time, it's getting easier. I really do trust that he cares and is on my side. That helps. I've been reading some of your threads and know you're in a rough spot right now. I appreciate you taking time to support me in the middle of your own crisis!! Hoping things get easier for you soon.

STRM: sorry I was kind of out of it for a while, but have just read this thread of yours now and truly want to hug you for writing with such honesty about a very deep and moving session. Thank you.
You have a lovely gentle and yet kicka** therapist and you are fortunate - it is obvious how much he cares for you and respects you too. I loved reading it, I got a feeling of the intimacy and trust that really exists between you two. It brought back the feelings of security and safety I have with my P. It is a beautiful thing. I also admire your honesty in that you ARE facing these things and you KEEP moving towards being more and more honest.

You can tell him anything, when you are ready. You can take it as slowly as you like, it really matters that you feel there is never any pressure.

quote:

He asked if I would feel like I had failed if I left without telling him, and I said I would. He leaned forward and looked me in the eyes and whispered, "Promise me you won't spend this next week telling yourself you're stupid? When you think of our session, give yourself kind messages. When that voice comes in to say you're stupid, listen to my voice. The voice that says, you're going to make it. you just need some time to work through this and that's okay. The voice that says there's nothing you could tell me that would change the way I think of you. The voice that says you're safe here. Can you do that?"

Oh BG, This part above that your T told you... that was so lovely, caring and just plain wonderful. I think it brought tears to my eyes because it also sounds like something my T would say. I think you have a fab T.

I'm glad you ventured into areas previously not discussed and that you had such a connecting session. I wanted to mention here that I have noticed your voice getting stronger here on the forums, and I can see the progress you are making with your T. I have noticed this for awhile and I'm sorry I never got around to telling you this. Now I know why you are doing so well, aside from you working really hard... you have a wonderful T who seems to really understand and to know you. I have learned this is really important because no matter how hard you work and how much you want to heal, if you have an incompetent T or one who is afraid to walk the walk with you, then it's almost impossible to heal.

I'm also very happy that you shared this session with us. Don't underestimate how much we all take away from hearing about each other's sessions. It's why I post about mine. Some of it is for me to help me process the session and the feedback is super important to me because sometimes there is something going on that another poster will pick up on and it helps enormously. But also, because I think that reading about what happens in sessions with our T's... and the successes, the courage, the intelligence of all the members on here is so very important. It helps others in ways we don't even know or realize. So I want to thank you for posting about your session. It made me feel good to know that you are in good hands, BG.

Hugs,
TN

You sound stronger also- TN

BG,

I love that your T speaks to the child in you. I want my Ts to talk to my child. Maybe they do but I don't realize it.

Anyway, I understand the feelings of shame surrounding your T asking you about your drinking. I think its good that you have asked him to ask you about it though, even if it is embarrassing. I'm glad that you are able to recognize that you NEED the accountability, and I think it says a lot that you are comfortable enough with your T to ask for what you need from him.

Regarding his comment about trusting others is about trusting ourselves...my T has said the exact same thing to me. I have to admit, this does not resonate with me yet. But reading what you wrote about trusting yourself to be able to handle whatever his reaction may be helps me understand what it means to trust ourselves first. I guess I'm just not there yet. Are you?