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This message has been edited. Last edited by: Pandora,

HB,

That's a really cool story about becoming friends with your T, and then your story of working to recover that. For me personally it's a great reminder - particularly when you talk about containing your own emotions - that I'm there to work on me, not to find someone else to help me. I guess that sounds weird, since of course they -do- help me, but I'm not exactly there for that.

I know I didn't express anything half as well as you did, but I just wanted to say 'thanks.'

HB,
Thank you for sharing your story. I think it is very courageous of you to do so and I am happy that you did. I believe that any shift in a boundary like that is a violation. Once a T allows their needs to come into play it brings in the potential for harm to the client, a serious risk that a T should never be willing to take. And while I imagine it was the ride of a lifetime, I personally never want to experience the stinging disillusionment of it just for it's temporary pleasure. I just told my T again today how grateful I am that she does maintain her professional boundaries the way she does. To do otherwise, she would be just another perpetrator. I confessed there _have_ been moments of (weakness) that I felt that if she offered anything more I'd take her up on it in a heartbeat. So I need her to be stable and I do feel wonderfully and indubitably safe.

quote:

I guess what I am trying to say is that transference keeps us looking outward to someone else, or some other behaviour for the answers, but they are not out there. We have to learn to look inwards and find it hidden somewhere inside ourselves. If you have someone who is kind and brave enough to let you work with them without hooking into it, you are truly blessed.

You raise a very good point here too HB. My T does not allow for transference to be the focal point of my therapy. It is there, we acknowledge it and talk about it as we need to, but she is ever preparing me to utilize my internal resources that I have and helping to fine tune them so that I get more proficient at it. In fact, we talked just today about how the role of a therapist can become very suggestive or hypnotic to a client and a T has to be ever careful in that regard. She is a wonderful guide and I feel very blessed with her balanced view and approach. Sometimes I think that transference _can_ become a distraction if we allow it, but it can also be useful to better undertsanding of ourselves, our emotions and where they come from. Not every succesful client experiences transference, but many of us do and it's nice to be able to have someplace to go with it all. It is so big to hold all by ourselves.

Thank you again for sharing your fresh perspective HB. You mention some very important points and I am glad that you are able to work through therapy again despite a difficult turn of events you esperienced before. I commend you for fighting for yourself that way. That is a true resource you have.
Jm

Hummingbird,
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I have such deep respect for the bravery and fortitude you showed going back to therapy to work this through. I feel like if things has went that way with my T, it would have been the last nail in the coffin. I would have crawled away into a deep hole and not risked coming back out. The fact that you continued on and engaged with your feelings is really incredible.

I also appreciate hearing this because, like Just Me, I have a T who has really clear boundaries, and most of the time I am well aware how important they are and how integral to my healing, but I do sometimes rebel against them and long so deeply for something beyond therapy. And again like Just Me, I don't know that I would have the strength to say no if something was offered. But reading about this is such a strong reminder that what I sometimes long for would be really bad for me.

And I agree with what you said about transference and the looking outward. As I have worked through my feelings for my T, I return again and again (and again and again and again. I'm a little slow. ) to the realization that I am wanting a different relationship from my T so that I will not have to face my pain and loss. But it doesn't work that way, I have to look at the longings to see what it is that I am missing, so I can feel my feelings around whatever it is. But that's when my T can really help me and give me what I never had: someone to teach me to bear my emotions, to understand how I'm feeling, to provide the comfort that comes from relationship.

Thanks again.

AG

Hummingbird

Thanks for sharing your story. It is a huge wake-up call for me. I have such strong, longing feelings for my T and I also would jump at anything she offered me outside the therapy room. She and I had some of this discussion just yesterday though. I finally got up the courage to tell her how I felt about her. She responded very well (lucky for me), but then went on to discuss our relationship. She told me that if we had met under any other circumstances, that our relationship would be different. If we were to meet for lunch and talk about our kids, lives, work, or anything else, then I wouldn't be feeling the emotions I am feeling now. She reminded me that just talking about my feelings and emotions would not make them go away, I have to feel them and work through them to resolve them.

I'm glad that she has boundaries and that she explained it in a way that was not embarrassing or hurtful to me. I truly believe that she and I could be friends in a different place and a different time, but that is not what I need from her right now. I need her guidance to help me see what all this means so I can change it myself. I've had many epiphanies since I started seeing her, and I'm sure there are many more to come. I still long for her with all my heart, but I am so thankful for her strength and guidance. Someday I hope that I will be able to look at her as the safety net that kept me from falling off the earth. And that she helped me find the strength to walk on my own two feet.

PL

quote:

Someday I hope that I will be able to look at her as the safety net that kept me from falling off the earth. And that she helped me find the strength to walk on my own two feet.

Awwwww! What a wonderful testiment to your T PL! That is how I feel about my T too. I really feel like there's no place we can't go. She even told me that ALL of my feelings are welcome there and that she hopes to explore all of my emotions and beliefs. I had sort of went off on her before that and expressed that I hated her at one moment and she welcomed that too. She said you are not only about being loving, thoughtful, and kind, but you do possess the abilty to hate and I want to know all about that too. She has been very passionate lately. I think it's finally sinking into the iceberg of a skull that I have. One would hope. As far as boundaries, I LOVE them! I like to wrap myslef up safe and snug in the boundaries. I never had boundaries growing up (and neither did anyone else in my chaotic household)so I find delight in knowing where I stand and where I belong in relation to her and the rest of the world. So she has not only helped me find strength to walk on my own two feet, but to find my feet and feel grounded for the first time in my life. How can you NOT love someone like that?

It sounds like you have a great T too. I secretly wonder if it IS MY T, but I wouldn't want to know if it was anyway. I won't even let my family or friends see her. She's mine. I can't share her with anyone I know.

Wow, I am rambling. Sorry if I am so self-absorbed and turning everything into being "about me." I am not _always_ like this. Honest.

JM

First of all, thanks. I love my T to pieces, and it is nice to know there are more of her around. And, SHE'S MINE!! I know how you feel about that. I think she is soo.... awesome, but I would NEVER recommend her to anyone I know because I don't want to share her!

It is ok to have things be "about me" when you need it. Don't we all do that?

PL

quote:

It is ok to have things be "about me" when you need it. Don't we all do that?

Oh yes, absolutely. Finally it is all about us or me or however you say that plural but still mean yourself...............................(huh?)

And therapy is one place we can do that.

quote:

I like to wrap myself up safe and snug in the boundaries.

This whole thread is pretty awesome, in that sounding-safe-and-snug-way. It's like a happy healthy T bedtime story. Once upon a time, there was this T, ... and it all worked out safely. Knowing it's real and good makes it even better.

Heh; I practice here a lot too, Hummingbird. It's good for that, and these folks are really pretty great, I gotta say. But don't tell 'em I said so; they might need new hats. :P

HB, everything you said sounds good to me. Please don't mind if I quote my T again (I tend to do that a lot lately) but she says "If you can't say it here where can you say it? I want you to be able to say anything. I want to hear it all." I'm in my 2nd and a half year in therapy and I am _still_ working on saying it all. Meanwhile I think you got the right idea, this forum makes for a nice launching pad for thoughts, feelings, and ideas and everyone here is very welcoming and encouraging. Though I think they do have a special little white coat reserved especially for me with my name on it.

Wynne,
I am trying to come up with a comment on that new hat thing. Does Prada make hats? If not make mine Dior? How about one to match my little white coat? Is that what you're thinkin?

What? Hats? We have hats? Why don't I have a hat? Little white jacket, that I got, but no hat!!

This is becoming a very stylish forum. First the Ramones t-shirts, now extra large hats with matching coats that tie in the back. Perfect.

Hats, white coats, I can add the ride. Have a nice little ambulance just around the corner.


This is such a wonderful place and I am so glad that I have found it.

Kats

we got the clothing covered.... how about the rooms now? i'd like mine to be padded

scott/toby