Hi All,

I wanted to forget the terminated T thread.

My OLD T (i first saw her years ago) rang me today after i tracked her down by email. I told her why I needed her and started crying - her voice changed and the therapist hat came on. She is meeting me tomorrow morning to let me talk things thru and to help me decide whether I want or need that final session with The Terminator.

It felt wonderful to hear her voice and we had the banter and rapport that we had years ago.

I have a truckload of concerns. In my email i expressed to her that I would love it if she would take me on as she knows me - but then i listed a lot of concerns. She knows up front how wounded, traumatised and scared I am. she is trained in DBT and has listed personality disorders and suicide as one of specialties. So if she can handle these heavies - the stuff that I throw at her - she should be able to handle. She is my age and has been in practice now for nearly 20 years. I have felt much more peaceful today after her contacting me. I feel in safe hands. If she can't take me on - then I am very scared again and alone. She will help me find someone though, I am sure. The Terminator is also giving me a list of recommended people.

I have burst into tears a few times today and been having conversations in my head with new T - that caused me to drive through a red light and another time to nearly crash into traffic. Damn dissociation.

I will write out a big story tonight and if I can't talk tomorrow I can read it or give to her. Maybe she can take it away with her if it is too much. yeah, that is a good idea.

I told her that she needed to have super good boundaries and ethics and she needed to be open and honest with me if I do the wrong thing. I am sure she will realise how tender I will be.

I am starting to breathe again.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: SomeDays,

Hi SomeDays
I am very glad that you found the strength after all this to contact old T (that must have taken some doing, so way to go ). Although you have understandable mixed feelings about seeing her again, writing it out might help you both get going with discussions. I am so glad that you feel you can breathe again, will be thinking about you and let us know how you go on if you feel like it

Hi SomeDays,

Just wanted to say I think you are handling this all AMAZINGLY well. The Terminator (love the nickname by the way but am sorry for the reason ) really did NOT handle this gracefully OR ethically, IMO. I do agree with you and others, in that she just hasn't got enough of a handle on her own stuff in order to be able to help you. On the other hand, your Old T sounds like the perfect person to help you through this. Keep talking here and letting us know how it's going...you're doing a great job.

Hugs,
SG

Thank you both so much for your support and comments. I am trying not to get too excited - I need to talk to Old T and see if we click and whether she will take me. She said she will see me tomorrow and at least monday - I have someone to talk to this and next week and for transition to a new T.

I am feeling more and more at peace with The Terminator. I can see her side of things. If i think back - she handled a few heavy issues early on a bit strangely and now I realise that she had to refer to her case supervisor and he gave strong directions. Then the next session she was really tough on me and different to the week before.

The Terminator was too young, too inexperienced. BUT = she will make an absolutely awesome T in a few years.

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Ok, crack open the champagne everyone

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My OLD T who is now called my T (as opposed to The Terminator) is very happy to take me on long term, we discussed all the boundary issues - everything - she says it isn't a problem. Her and I handled having an association before. We talked thru nitty gritties. I read out from my 7 page story - not all of it - but enough to get her started.

I have an appt Monday - and it can still be preliminary, but I said we might as well start work. She said that she cannot tell me whether we will click or not.

How will I know?

It felt SO good to be with her.

Very happy for you, SD!! Congratulations!!



SG

I'm so happy to hear this, SD. Its sounds like the rainbow the brightens the skies after the storm. So glad you reconnected with her.

((((SD)))) So happy for you. The fact that you can even have those good feelings so soon after termination, I would take as a sign there is potential you will be able to connect. At the very least, you have a safe place to go to after the crises of this last week. You've been in my thoughts.

Excellent news (((SD))) Hopefully you can relax a bit and breathe again just knowing you'll have support
Take care, Morgs

Hey SD
Really good news, so glad for you

I just had to go to the same practice with my boy and saw The Terminator. I had emailed her to say that I was ok and that I hope she didn't avoid me. We saw each other twice and smiled - the first one was awkward - the second one was full on eye contact and a lot was 'said'.

I got back to my car and burst into tears and have been crying ever since.I am ok but oh so emotional. I have already got my new T and my child T gave me a hug - I have her too - but i just keep crying

New T emailed me to wish me luck with the final session with The Terminator tomorrow. How sweet is that.

(((((SD))))

You are so strong. I don't know if you realize that. I'm not sure I could have handled seeing youngT so quickly and not only that, you made eye contact twice. Of course you fell apart afterwards.

And, so you did get a final session with The Terminator afterall? Hope it goes well.

I think if it felt good to be with OldT, maybe you are clicking already? That sounds like a good sign.

(((((good luck tomorrow)))))

Liese

Thanks StrummerGirl, LG, Yaks, Morgs, JustMayBe and Liese.

No Liese, I do not realise I am strong. I just spent 5 days basically comatose, in bed, not eating, not functioning, ignoring my children, husband, friends and family. I didn't feel strong then!

Seeing YoungT - was partly totally OK but partly terrifying. I am on the verge of tears ALL the time. I know this is normal. The eye contact said so much for me. I had said something funny in my email to her - like don't avoid me tomorrow because I have been known to wait 6 hours for things and I will know you are avoiding me!

Tomorrow will be sad and difficult. I will probably spend the rest of the day crying. But that is ok.

(((((SD)))))

I am sorry if I minimized what you are going through. I can't even come close to imagining the pain and confusion you have endured. But you are my hero, because I've watched you deal with this situation. You dealt with it quickly, you fought for yourself, you did what you had to do, you sought support. And I know it all still doesn't feel good or come even close to feeling good. But you kept going and didn't give up. That's awesome in my book!

((((((HUGS)))))

Liese

I'm glad to hear that you've found someone who can help you through this horrible time. I'm so sorry about the pain you are in, I know it's a VERY deep wound, and hurts like hell. One day at a time, and gradually you will get there, SD. fwiw, like Liese I think you are being very brave. You need time to grieve this and not "just move on." Of course you are feeling comatose and unable to function! It is dreadful to lose a therapist that you are attached to, and by being forcefully terminated without having worked through the attachment yet has to be just about the worst thing any T could do. I wouldn't wish that kind of psychological pain on anybody. I chose to break from my T, because he did not seem to be able to understand or help me, and it was one of the worst things I ever had to do, since he was just failing to meet my needs (on purpose so I would leave, I felt.) But being terminated? I cannot even imagine. So please go gently on yourself, and do not judge yourself for what you do these days. It is going to take time to heal.

I hope the session goes as well as can be expected and you can find at least a bit of closure.

((((((SD))))))

BB