Hi...Just one year ago August 5th was my next to last session with my oldT, but I didn't know it at the time. It was also the night before my surgery. It was a terrible session and I sat in his parking lot for over an hour just crying, unable to go home and unable to calm myself knowing I had surgery in the morning.

I have been an anxious, sobbing mess for the past few days and I thought perhaps writing about some of this will relieve some of the unbearble stress and struggle with the memories.

That session one year ago started with my oldT emailing me the day before wanting to change the time of the session to earlier. I had a 4:45 appointment which meant I could skip lunch and leave early for it. But then he wanted to make it 3:30.... I said no not possible and so he agreed to 4pm. This made my boss very angry and we exhanged heated words that afternoon. I was already super stressed about the surgery and the session too because of how badly things had been between oldT and me over the previous 5 weeks. I had convinced myself that he needed to move my appt to earlier in the day because he had to leave early for some last minute personal reason. Well, imagine my horror when near the end of my session some crazy woman began banging on his door... evidently a new patient who didn't know you just don't bang on the Ts door!!

During that session I needed to focus on finding some calm and emotional regulation with regard to the surgery. I needed to talk about my fears and to have him reassure me. Instead, he decided to discuss his vacation and and to refused everything I asked of him to help me cope with the 3 week separation. He was so cold and detached it was very scary to me. He never asked me anything about the surgery or hospital. He had NO interest in what I was facing. He was so clueless. I was hurt because he never asked the time of my surgery, and he never asked me to call him when it was over. He never wished me well. I don't know why (because I was so dissociative at the end of the session from the woman banging) he hugged me before I walked out. I don't know why he did that but it was the last hug he ever gave me. I still remember the blue dress I wore that day.

As so I went into surgery carrying the hurt and sadness of his cold treatment of me the night before. Where I needed nurturing and understanding was met with cold detachment and was treated as if I were repulsive.

Next Friday marks a year of the day he called the police on me and next Saturday is a year that I received his termination email.

This Monday, my T and I were supposed to have a meeting with oldT but he cancelled because he said he had to go out of town that day (not sure I believe this). He did not offer a new meeting date but my T will offer the 15th and if he does not show we will proceed with formal complaints.

I had a session this past Thursday and I was a complete mess. I sat there with my sunglasses on, clutching my blanket and refused to look at my T. I was also angry at him for some reasons which we have since worked out. But I was such a crying mess that I put the blanket over my head. T told me to take it off (after a few minutes) and I refused. Then he asked me how it would feel if he sat there with sunglasses and a blanket over his head while I tried to talk to him... and the picture in my head made me laugh. I stuck a hand out for a tissue and my glasses were all foggy so I took them off. He kept calmly talking to me until I came out to talk to him.

We ended up having a pretty good and honest session. He sat closer to me and told me he was glad I came out to talk to him. He pointed out that my candle was on... I had set the timer last week... and that he liked seeing it on as it made him think of me and he liked thinking of me and that's why he didn't shut it off. He told me that I was important to him. I accused him of looking at me like I was an experiment number 247 and that I didn't really matter to him. He said a lot of stuff to refute that. I have to admit he makes a lot of sense LOL. Darn guy.

Once I calmed down we talked about the meeting with old T and how we should handle it, what kind of agenda to set etc. By the time I left it was good. He chided me for not shaking his hand when he came in (I was huddled under the blanket by then) and we did shake hands and he told me to call if I need him.

When I got back to work I had to have my performance review again. It was awful, almost worse than last time and my bosses lied about so many things. It made me feel like I was not getting better and all the improvements I noted were not really true. Like nothing was real and I imagined that I was getting better. My bosses do not give the review themselves, its the office manager and so I do not get to confront them to their face. The office manager always believes them and it becomes a he said/she said situation that I will lose because I am no one.

By the time this was done I was back in my office hysterically crying again. It seems that no matter how hard I try it does not mean anything. I was having some really bad thoughts at that moment. I paged my T because I was feeling so scared but he was with clients and he could not call me until 8 that night which was my dinner time with famnily so I could not answser the phone.

I didn't speak to him until this morning but he was wonderfully soothing to me. Just hearing him use my name makes it all seem better. He told me he was proud of me yesterday and I said " you are proud that I sat there under and blanket with sunglasses on and cried?" He said well we had a rough start but I was proud that you didn't stay there under the blanket... you came out to talk to me. He reassured me that we were absolutely good and solid. And that I was getting better and improving but that my bosses did not want to see that. That my improvement was really real.He told me to hold onto that until we meet on Monday. And so I am. I'm holding on really tight right now.

This week feels really scary to me so I thought if I could write about it maybe it would help me to deal with it. Maybe it will lose some of it's impact. In any case, I'm really glad I have my T and that we are absolutely good and that he is there to help me through this scary time.

TN

This message has been edited. Last edited by: True North,

(((TN))) I am so glad you have this man by your side as you walk through all this grief. Every time I hear about your OldT, I just cannot believe how he treated you, how he is still treating you. Your true T is what you have always deserved, someone safe and steady. Someone who will stay and work through the ruptures that occur until you learn from experience what it is to trust someone who deserves that gift. And from someone who has been wounded repeatedly in such a way, risking to trust another human being truly is a beautiful gift. Thank you for sharing. I hope by this time next year, you will have so many more good memories of how you have worked through this pain with your T by your side.

(((((TN)))))

I too think you are very strong and as difficult as it has been this last year, you've come amazingly far.

I am sorry about the bad review at work and how triggering and discouraging all of that must have been for you. I see a day when you can leave that job behind and start being the therapist you dream of being.

xoxoxo

Liese

And can I say again, thank God for new T?

((((TN)))))

I remember when I first joined this site last year when I got back into therapy after may years, it was just a few months after the big term with oldT. I spent some time browsing through the board reading old posts by different people. I recall when I came across your story I was absolutely horrified. So horrified that it made me think twice about getting back into therapy.

But then I started reading more of your posts that were more current....posted in November and December and I saw that even though you were still reeling from the abusive treatment from oldT, you were also starting to heal. As time went on, instead of feeling shock and horror when I read your posts, I felt hopeful and optimistic about the level of care one can receive when they find a T such as NewT. What you have found in him is so beautiful and positive and loving. Its been an honor to be able to witness this relationship blossom, to witness you establish trust with him, and to witness his patience, nurturing, compassion for what you went through, and his steadiness. Somehow in the dark storm that OldT sent you out into, you managed to find the Lighthouse.

I know its still hard to think about what oldT did to you, but he will always be stuck with himself....he cannot escape....but you did! And you are in a better brighter place.


((((TN))))

(((((( TN )))))))

You’re having to deal with a whole run of painful anniversaries at the moment, and I’m so sorry that you’re being put in such a bad place because of them, because of OldT. Even one year on the pain and bewilderment seems so fresh and I can’t help but feeling really angry at OldT for doing this to you. Like others have said here, in another year’s time things will be a lot different, but I should think that the pain you’ve gone through and are still going through will remain for a long time

I’m also REALLY sorry that you seemed to have succeeded in arranging a meeting with OldT and he cried off. Self centred coward! I do hope so much that you can have the rescheduled meeting, and I’m glad you are prepared to go ahead with a formal complaint if he does a no-show again – you need some sort of closure on all of this and while it would be so much better if you could talk things through with him face to face, if he’s going to continue messing you around then at least there is still something you can do about it.

New T sounds so wonderful – I’m so glad you have him on your side, not just while you’re trying to deal with the aftermath of OldT’s vile treatment of you, but that he really is the right T for you generally. I’m very glad you came out of that session feeling calmer and could connect again with him.

Not so glad about what happened at work. Isn’t it some kind of negative universal law in operation here, that the moment something goes wrong in one area EVERYTHING seems to go wrong everywhere else. I remember you had problems with your boss and work while you were trying to deal with the fall out from Old T last year, maybe they have special antennae or something that can pick up when you’re feeling vulnerable and hone in on it

I’m glad though that you have reached out here, and hope you’ll do so for as long and as often as you feel up to it, especially with even more really painful anniversaries coming up.

Thinking of you a lot TN, lots of hugs to you

LL

quote:

Somehow in the dark storm that OldT sent you out into, you managed to find the Lighthouse.

OMG...LG that is exactly how I feel! Did you know that a few weeks ago when I was on vacation I bought him a small crystal lighthouse in a satin box and on the lid was this saying:

Light my Way-
This beacon sees you through the storm
And guides your path to light;
As long as you are in its beam
Your future will be bright.

I plan to give it to him on our one year anniversary. That was the day I found my light.

Thank you for saying that reading my story made you feel hopeful and optimistic. I really wanted to share that aspect of what happened to me and to let people know that there ARE good and ethical Ts out there and that a person can begin to heal when they are in good and competent hands. I felt I needed to balance the absolute horror of what happened to me with hope. I did understand that my story was extremely triggering to many because it could happen to them and to anyone really. I thought I had a good relationship with oldT and I WAS healing and doing what I was supposed to. It made everyone feel that their T relationship was precarious and I knew it spurred conversation with Ts about termination (and maybe that was a good thing in a way).

I'm not saying any of this was easy. I am healing but I will always have the scars of what he did to me and that has changed me forever. It is now part of who I am, it's my history. I am hopeful though that one day I can again feel joy and freedom and peace. My T acknowledges that the scars will always be with me but he also believes I will be able to find peace and joy in life again and so I will believe in him for now because it's hard to believe in myself that this is possible. And, yes, he is wonderful, caring and loving. I am blessed to have found the Lighthouse.

Thanks for your words.
TN

Yaku...thank you for your kind words. My T tells me that he is honored that I would allow this relationship with him to grow and develop despite what oldT did to me. He is a gem.

Hi Monte... I hope you are starting to feel better and that you can leave the bed for a visit with your wonderful T. I know you miss him. Thanks for saying I have guts and determination. I can certainly be stubborn! I think it is what enabled me to survive so many things. Thank you for the blessing.... it means a lot to me.

Liese...you can always say thank God for newT. I say it often myself LOL. And Yes.... I cannot wait to leave this thankless job and work in the mental health field where I know I will feel so much more fulfilled.

Draggers... sweetie... thank you so much for always coming to support me. I hope you are doing okay these days. Thank you for believing that I will come out the other side and be okay. I love what you said about me being able to come out from behind the blanket on my own but that my T was there believing in me that I could come out from behind the blanket on my own and that he was there waiting for me with such caring and kindness. He told me I was acting out a bit but that he didn't mind and he understood. What was important is that I didn't stay that way all session because I trusted him enough to allow him to see me again.

LL... thank you for your words. Yes I am also hopeful that once I experience being able to get past this one year anniversary of all the horrible things then the next ones will be easier and lighter because I will have experienced the support of my T and know that he will always be there for me. Truly be there.

As for work, I am planning to write a rebuttal to my review stating all the new, positive and helpful things I have initated to improve my work that were NOT acknowledged in the report my bosses gave to the Manager. I also have a ton of documented "dirt" on my boss that I am keeping quiet about for now. I could easily bring suit against him and my company for all kinds of workplace abuse.

I just want to acknowedge here that although my wonderful current T has been instrumental in my recovery.... all of you, my friends on this Board have been here for the past year supporting me in many ways. Your kindness and understanding and helpful ideas and encourgement have meant so much to me as I walked through fire and hell to get where I am today. I just wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart and wanted you all to know how important you are to me.

Many hugs
TN

TN,

Sorry I am late to this....I am sorry too that this anniversary hurts so much, dates are always so poignant. And I read what you wrote and can see amidst the hurt that you have moved on so much and can look objectively at how harsh oldT was. I know though that there is a big difference between the head knowing something and the haert feeling it (((TN)))

So I am so glad that you can be so open and honest with him

quote:

He told me I was acting out a bit but that he didn't mind and he understood.

Good, TN, that's so important and shows that he cares about you and understands your feelings and more imortantly why you might be feeling them. I am so glad that you have this amazing T now that has helped you restore your confidence in therapy. You are making amazing strides, I just hope you can see that in amongst your hurts.

quote:

I had to have my performance review again. It was awful, almost worse than last time and my bosses lied about so many things. It made me feel like I was not getting better and all the improvements I noted were not really true. Like nothing was real and I imagined that I was getting better.

I am so sorry that has been your experince. You do not need any knocks to your confidence, especially from things that are untrue and unjust. Keep you head high TN, you know what is right and true.

Take care, remember how far you've come in this last year.

starfishy

Thanks Starfishy it was good to hear from you. I am lucky that my T understands so much about what I am dealing with. It really helps.

I am struggling with bad anxiety today. I was able to make myself go out to run an errand but then I came home and even though I have a ton of cleaning and paperwork to do I cannot make myself do anything and I just sit here and feel overwhelmed.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow and feel this heavy dread. I am also having weird body feelings that then contribute to the anxiety. I just feel so tired even though I slept late today and have no energy for my family. I just want to be alone and be invisible. I am still shaky from Thursday and on Friday when I went to the dentist they took my blood pressure (new thing they now do) and it was high. I had been to my doctor 3 weeks ago and it was normal, so I have to think that the stress and anxeity of the past few days has pushed my pressure up. Of course this now worries me too (which is not helping to lower the pressure).

I will see my T tomorrow and I hope that helps but honestly, I not sure I won't be hiding under the blanket again crying for most of the session. I just feel like I'm in a dark place right now and don't see the way out of this. Everytime I try to pick myself up I get run over again by either work or oldT or both. It makes me just want to give up.

TN

(((((TN))))))

It must feel awful having to go back to work after the review. It will be hard to go in tomorrow, I am sure. No wonder you have such anxiety today. I am so glad you do see T tomorrow. Oftentimes my T is the only thing that brightens my week and I know you feel the same way.

Once you get tomorrow overwith, hopefully it won't be as hard going in to the office. Maybe not though, but all the more reason to finish that degree and do what you love, huh?

Let us know tomorrow how things go at work.

xoxox

Liese

Sorry I'm just getting to this, TN. I just want to echo what everyone else has said. You have come so far since last year that it's just amazing, especially given how awful oldT was. But I know that doesn't mean that any of this is easy. I'm thinking of you and hoping your rebuttal goes over well...what a hard situation and definitely not something you deserve.

I also really hope that seeing your T tomorrow will help, even just a little bit. Even just having someone to be there while you're in pain is better than facing it alone. I hope tomorrow goes well...keep us updated on how you are.

TN,

I'm sorry that I haven't been around to respond to this yet. I'm short on words at the moment, but wanted to say that I'm thinking of you as you go through this hard time. I hope that seeing T tomorrow helps.

(((hugs)))

Thanks so much, Liese, Kashley and STRM. I have just finished writing an Addendum to my performance review that I will print out and sign tomorrow and request that it be attached to the review.

I have worked for this company for 18 years. I have won their Award of Excellence and have a folder of client notes and letters complimenting me and thanking me. Yes, I was not my usual perfectly efficient self last summer/fall and I tried to explain this to my Manager and Supervisor without getting too deeply into my personal history. You would think after 17 years of hard work and service that they could give me a bit of time and support to get back on my feet. I did seek help and I have worked hard to get back to "normal".

That is what makes PTSD so hard... if I had been in a car accident or had a death in my family they would perhaps have been more understanding. As it is, they didn't even care that I was hospitalized twice last summer and was pretty sick. I know that there is a special place in hell for my two bosses and my Manager.

Thanks for the kind words and support.
TN

I keep trying to respond here, but then I lose my words...or am interrupted...or something.

I just want to say I am incredibly proud of you, TN. You are doing work that not many people can do...that nobody should HAVE to do.

(((TN)))

Just an UPDATE

I had a session yesterday which was pretty good. I was in total adult, intellectual mode with T. I guess this is in reaction to me being a puddle under a blanket last session. I went in like a woman on a mission. I needed to talk more about my bad performance review at work and the Addendum to the review that I wrote, refuting a lot of what was said. So we discussed that for awhile and we also discussed school, careers and maybe applying for some grants to help me with costs. We discussed why I react as I do to my boss and my T told me flat out that in order to truly heal I need to get away from my abusive boss as what I'm trying to learn is to avoid being abused and so... that makes sense. He also said that the work I've been doing over the past 3 years, even with oldT... has changed me in some ways and made my boss react to me. It's hard to explain but as I became more assertive and less open to his abusive ways he got more and more angry with me. My T emphasized that I am not in a healthy situation.

Then we spoke about the meeting with oldT and that he would go ahead and send oldT the new Agenda we did and schedule the meeting for this coming Monday 8/15. We agreed to make it a double session so I could have time to process this meeting with my T after oldT leaves us.

Well....this morning my T sends me an email saying he cannot do 8/15 and what about the following Monday!! This made me so ANGRY I'm tired of being put of and disappointed and struggling and fighting for this and for what I need to heal and get closure. It's like NEITHER of them want me to have this meeting! So now I'm angry at my T. I sent him off an angry email telling him that I give up. I'm tired. That maybe I should just give up and leave and go away because I don't deserve to ever have peace, or closure or healing. I have gotten used to being only half alive, maybe I should be thankful for this much and quit trying for more. What happened to me...happened and why should I deserve otherwise.

I sent that email at 9:30 this morning. I have not heard anything back from him. I'm sure he is furious with me and does not want to talk to me or email me back. I guess I have to live with screwing up our relationship too, like I do with all other relationships. I know he's at the office today. I asked him if he could do another other day this week or next week. So there was a question in the email... not just me ranting in anger.

The really bad part of this is that oldT goes on vacation (or he has for the past 3 years) for 3 weeks from mid-August until early September and so if we don't do something in the next few days... I'm looking at a September meeting. And honestly, with this anniversary this week looming and how I'm feeling now... I don't know how I am going to make it until then.

I just cannot keep doing this. The pain just never ends.

TN