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This message has been edited. Last edited by: Pandora,

Hi HB... I'm sorry for your pain and your struggle through childhood. I'm glad you found the strength to push the button and post to us here. Please don't worry about saying the wrong thing or upsetting anyone. I completely understand so much of what you wrote about hiding. In fact, I had just come on line to start a thread very similar to this one. I hope you don't mind my adding to this one instead.

I have not been around much in the past week because of my own issues and the pain associated with them. When I feel like this I go "silent". I shut down and find it hard to share what's going on inside of me. I used to go into what I call "my black hole" and stay there for days struggling with self-hate and self-punishment. I have been getting somewhat better in handling this which I credit to working with my T. I have not had a bad black hole episode in about 6 months. I also think the support I found here has helped along with therapy.

What you call hiding I call being invisible. I learned in my abusive situation in childhood that it was safer not to be seen. And so I learned to make myself invisible. If no one knew I was around then I could avoid trouble/abuse. But hiding and being invisible does not get one the support that is needed and should not be necessary in life. This board and our therapy gives us a voice, which is wonderful and badly needed.

I have to admit that the "mother thread" was hard for me and I had to take a little break from posting. My own relationship with my mother was very complicated and confusing. And the first anniversary of her death is coming up the end of this month. I am still grappling with a very strange and complicated grief. I had started seeing my T about 3 weeks before her death but it was only a few weeks after her death that I was able to start talking to him about my childhood and the abuse and humiliation I suffered. I could never give it voice before. And if anything stirred up those old emotions and feelings I would push then down, ignore them or self-punish. After all so many others had it worse than I did. I had no right to complain. I still have a hard time admitting to myself or any one that is was abuse. My T also helps with that. He really is wonderful and I'm lucky to have him.

It was only after finally admitting that I was safe with my T that I could tell him things. But still when I get close to the old chaotic emotions I tend to shut down and act like everything is fine. I'm afraid to risk my relationship with my T because I'm afraid he will reject me if he really knows me and I need to protect my attachment relationship with him at all costs. I have really tried to understand this reaction and to overcome it somehow because I know it's not the reality. I know intellectually he won't abandon me but emotionally I'm terrified.

And so this week I took a chance and had a very emotionally hard session with him on Monday. It left me feeling pretty raw and vulnerable and I so needed to reach out to him... just for that reassuring connection. Instead, something happened... something he did made me feel that my confidentiality was violated. It was nothing really serious and it was a lapse of judgment on his part and not with malicious intent but it sent me reeling for a few days.

I have since seen him and he has apologized and assured me that aside from that small thing, he has never divulged anything to anyone about me, ever. And I believe him because he has never lied to me. But I did confront him and I was angry and I told him this. That was very hard for me to do because anger is dangerous in my experience.

I think what helped me the most was that I saw how sad he was that he caused me any pain. And I found that in itself, very healing. But still it has been a rough week or so and I'm just now feeling more grounded. The good thing was that normally this would have sent me back into my black hole but I managed to avoid it. I could feel myself going there but I pulled back and managed to cope with the help of a good friend, doing some journaling and then finally having the talk with my T.

HB, I'm glad you were finally able to have a satisfying relationship with your mom and that your MIL has warmed to you. My own MIL lives in another country and we have a language problem so I don't have that relationship either. It's just something I've come to accept.

Okay I've rambled enough. I'm glad you posted HB.

TN

This message has been edited. Last edited by: True North,

HB

All I can say is that you are so courageous and brave to have posted something that was so difficult for you to say. I won't speak for anyone else, but I for sure know how hard it is to verbalize your feelings. Some of us are so used to having that thick shield around us to protect ourselves from being vulnerable. It has taken me a long time to crack it open just a bit. You have just done that. As scary and uncomfortable as it is to let down your guard, I think that it gives a little relief to let some air and light into our feelings.

I have learned so much from many of the things you have posted on this forum. I hope you keep posting. One of the things that has helped me so much is that everyone here really understands the feelings that I thought were unique to me. It never occurred to me that the feelings that I am too embarrassed to tell anyone, were felt by others.

It sounds like you have had to overcome a lot of trauma in your life and it looks like you are definitely heading in the right direction. Remember, baby steps will get us all there.

PL

(((HB)))

thank you for posting. I also am amazed by how much we are alike. I can relate to how you worry about how people react to what you post. I often think I've offended or upset people when there aren't very many responses.

I've also been lurking on the board for the last 3 weeks. I've entered my version of the dark cave. Christmas brought up a lot of feelings about my relationship with my mother and other members of my family. Also, I had some difficulty with my T the week before Christmas so I am feeling alone.

I've always felt I was different then everyone else in my life. There was something fundamentally wrong with me and I feel like rather than hiding my life is spent imitating how other people live, act, talk, etc. It is exhausting and whenever something goes wrong I assume it is my fault for not acting right. Sometimes I have to withdraw because I don't have the energy for the act and that is what has been happening for the last 3 weeks both on line and in my life.

I am grateful to everyone on the board who shares there experiences because it helps me see that there are others who feel like I do. I am around reading and learning from you all even when I don't post.

love to all

HB,
Thank you for trusting us enough to talk about this and be brave enough to take the chance. I'm sorry that my hiding thread kicked up stuff for you. We can all understand each other because of what we've been through, but it also means that sometimes we run into stuff that's difficult for us to take in. But I'm very grateful that your response was to talk about your experience.

I can really relate to what you said about the divorce. My parents got divorced in 1970 when it wasn't at all common. I can remember dreading people finding out that my parents were divorced and how different it could make me feel. That feeling of being alone and misunderstood only added to the pain you were already carrying alone. I'm really sorry, you deserved better.

One thing that was really clear to me when I had children was that they came first, their needs were more important than mine. They didn't make a choice to be born. And I know that the reason that was so clear to me was because it wasn't to the adults in my life. They're needs often came first before mine and it hurt me in so many ways. So I can really understand the pain you went through.

And I do know how very fortunate I was to have my MIL. She was an extraordinary woman who blessed my life is so many ways. She healed me in a place where I was so wounded. I know that I need to do the grieving that I am doing to heal, but I try not to lose sight of the fact that I have a wonderful life, with so many wonderful people in it.

I'm glad you had a chance to find some peace with your mom before she died. You give me so much hope, thank you.

I know your need to hide; I have the same need (well, obviously or I wouldn't be posting on it. Sorry! ) . But I want to make really clear to you that you're need to hide stems from not having your needs met, and not wanting to venture out and get hurt again. A very sane response to pain. But there was, and is, no reason for you to hide. You are a bright spirit, it shines through in all your posts. And the things that you struggle with are because of what others did, not what you are. This is safe place to come. And of course, it scares you to death. It goes against everything you learned to expect and why should you yet believe you can trust it. And as my T keeps telling me, "you have to feel safe enough to be scared." As you can move towards connection, it also can mean feeling and encountering pain that has been avoided for a long time and that part can be pretty painful.

But we'll be here, along with your T and other people in your life. I'm really really glad you hit post, thank you.

AG

TN,
I'm so glad you were able to work through the problem with your T. I am incredibly impressed by your bravery. I know the kind of terror you can experience when you realize that your angry at a person so important to you. You should be very proud of yourself for risking to express it. You sound like you have a good T who can hear all your feelings. That's how you heal.

Incognito,
Its really good to hear from you! And don't worry about not posting. I posted in another thread before, we're on a ferris wheel. It keeps going around and sometimes you're on the bottom needing support and sometimes your on the top providing it. Both are good. Sometimes we bless other people by giving to them and sometimes we bless them by being able to receive what they have to give. Last time I checked no one's keeping score. And for the record, you've never offended or upset me. EVER. Part of what we go through really feeds into being worried about our posts. I know I struggle with it sometimes (ok. most of the time). I think part of what makes this board so important is to be able to experience over and over, a different kind of response to expressing ourselves. It reinforces what we get from out Ts. So try not worry too much. and if you figure out how, tell me how you did it.

And yes, I know sometimes I need to hear that too.

PL,
I'm so glad you feel understood here. I think that's been so important for everyone here, to find other people who get what we're struggling with. And I'm really glad you joined us, I really enjoy your posts.

HB,
I'm accepting the apology back but only because you're being firm.

And you were braver than brave.