I fly to india tomorrow, to a country where I was seriously hurt, to a place where I do not have good friends, with travelling plans which are arduous and difficult and on top of all that I shall be away from my sweet P. He allowed me to take a photograph of him and I also have the last five sessions recorded and he has said I can phone him on each of the following mOndays, for up to an hour if I want. So he is aware of how hard it is for me. I am being quite naive in some ways, as right now I am just excited to be on a trip, but I suspect it will be hard. I wanted to write this just so that you all know. I wanted to feel that there are people around in this world who know that I am struggling and on top of that going somewhere that is very triggering.

I saw sweetP today, he was so kind and he said he is concerned about me and that a part of him actually wanted to be a bit unprofessional and say 'why on EARTH are you going?!' but he was restraining himself. He said at the end: I really want you to hear that I would like you to take care of yourself.

He said it so kindly. I gave him tulips, a bar of rich dark chocolate, and a thank you card, as it is the six month anniversary of when I first met him today. It was nice saying why I feel grateful to him and he was very sweet and gracious in accepting my thanks.

I did talk about the awful criminal T and also the guru, as I am going back to India. It was a tiring and emotional session as usual. I have to go now and do the last bit of packing.

I asked him why I do not feel others caring, but I can care and love. I said I wanted him to try and work that out, whilst I was away.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Sadly,

oh Sadly, it is so good to read that T cares so much about you. You can carry that thought in your heart while on your difficult trip.
Take good care of yourself!! Have a safe trip, talk to you in 3 weeks

(loved your thank you gift)

Hi Sadly... wishing you a very safe and happy trip to India. Is this a vacation? I'm curious as to why you would want to return to such a place of trauma for you. If that is being too nosy just ignore the question.

I'm glad SweetP is being to kind and understanding and offering you those phone sessions should you need them. I'm sure you will miss him but it seems that you have things in place to help keep him close to you.

It seems like we are on the same schedule as I just also marked six months with my T (actually it will be on Wednesday) but I gave him a gift today in recognition of the six months. I'll post about it later. I'm glad we both made it this far considering the awful pain from the abandonments we suffered. We are survivors.

Have a great trip. Check in here if you can along the way.

Best,
TN

Sadly, I'll miss you while you're gone. I'm glad you were able to have such a good session with sweetP for leaving on your trip. It really is warming to hear of how much he cares for you. I hope you're able to take that emotional holding with you on your trip and able to connect with him via phone, so you aren't missing him too much. (((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Have a safe trip, Sadly.

Namaste and safe travels Sadly! We'll be here for you when you return (and if you happen upon an internet cafe during your India adventures, we'll be here then, too!)

(((Sadly)))

Have a safe trip Sadly. I'm glad you had such a great session with sweetP before leaving. We'll see you when you return!!

quote:

why I do not feel others caring, but I can care and love.

Thank you for your post. This is exactly me. Let me know what your T says.

Have a good trip- stay close to us, and to your T.

Hele

arrived safely in Delhi and am about to go out but just wanted you all to know that I appreciate your support. Might have more time to write later. I am in India for training, up in the Himalayas. this is the sixth time back for me, after the awful time in the 80's. I did not come back for 16 years.
I feel fairly okay right now but some of that is knowing you guys and sweetP are aware /i am here and it could be hard for me.
much hugs

Sadly,
Thinking of you and wishing you safe travels. I am so glad your T has offered all he has and I hope you are able to take him up on it. I know you will miss him deeply. Please know we are here and thinking of you, as well. You are not alone....
seablue

Thanks for the update. Still thinking good thoughts for your trip!

HAve reached the Himalayas, after a 13 hours night public bus ride and then two hours by taxi. It is difficult being here but it helps having internet access.
I keep looking at sweetP's photo, and as soon as I see his face, I feel his acceptance and kindness. He did say that he knew he shouldn't but he kept wanting to shout out "don't go! Don't go!' as he knows the tensions I have about being here, the old bullies lot are here and also memories of first stay in india etc. He even said he was hoping that I would find the confidence to pull out of this course and not return next year.
I feel indoctrinated by this group - it is a heinous crime if you don't realise you are so fortunate to be on this course and doing this training, you have worked for life times for this precious opportunity. How can one walk away from that kind of deeply ingrained way of thinking! Heck.
I also realised on the bus that I have been so hurt/rejected/angry by sweetP saying he will not hold me, that my hurt raw vulnerable part that is so pre verbal went into a bit of a tail spin and was planning to get a father figure to hold her even if it meant he abused her body first, as that is the story of my life, and why not do it again - I would trade quite a lot of abuse for a cuddle. Mad huh. And then I felt angry at sweetP that 'he had forced me to this'. Even more mad huh. I feel desperate to be held and him refusing to hold me makes that part of me even more desperate, so pray for me that I don't do something really stupid.

He asked me to take care, he requested infact, ' "please could you hear me when I ask you to take care and go well in india' and I actually retorted, " i WON"T take care (stamp of tiny foot) and I won't and you can't make me and don't care that I won't take care!" and he does not know why I said that. From my hurt me's perspective, he is the cause of this present extreme hurting and so what right has he to request me to take care! He is the one who won't hold me, who is so uncaring about the little me who does not understand words. Grrrr.

I half want to get myself into loads of deep trouble just to tell him: THAT is what happens when you refuse to hold me.

So I am in a mighty three year old strop.

Sigh. Please don't laugh. I actually would trade a lot for a small amount of cuddle/holding. That is the story of my life really.

I am sorry I am not posting much on anyone else's thread- the internet connection is very slow and I am very exhausted from lack of sleep. The bus was identical to the bus in the dream a week ago, when I dreamt I was assaulted - so that was unnerving plus I got surrounded by oggling men when I was on the Metro in Delhi and that was so frightening that I blushed and giggled with fear, not the right signals at ALL. Travelling back I got into the ladies only coach. Phew.

It is bizarre to be in India and not want to be. To be doing something here that I don't want to do but am too indoctrinated to be able to pull out of yet. To be spending money that we don't have doing all this. To be in such a mess that any small thing could trigger me and I am continents away from home. I am either very courageous or very foolish, or just both. Please send me strong supportive thoughts and some kindness if you have some spare.

Good to hear from you Sadly! Glad you made it there rather safely. Love how they have gender separated transportation in India

I know what you mean - wishing you could trade in a lot of yuck for just a little bit of cuddling. All I want is a bit of a cuddling sometimes, and it's just me, so I've got to cuddle myself, which isn't exactly comforting!

Anyway, thanks for the update, keep plugging along (even if you are stomping your foot here and there) and do take care - not because your T told you to, but because it's the right thing to do, staying safe.

(((Sadly)))

Actually, R2G, when I find myself in a tricky situation right now, I seem to hear his voice saying " Please S, I request you that you take care, please" and I start taking care, darn him!

Sadly, I'm glad you can listen to your sweetP and take care, but I understand that "you wouldn't rescue me like I needed, so now I'll show you what happens when I am left to care for myself and I can't do it," feeling. It's good to hear from you. I'm sorry the trip is weighing heavily, but I hope you eventually come home refreshed and happy for the experience. I understand what you mean about trading an awful lot to be held. Pretty much the only people who have held me have been romantic partners, some of them basically abusers, and I thought I had to purchase their affection by surrendering what they wanted...which was not at all what I wanted at the time. I am still so amazed that you can ask for what you need like that. I tried to be able to ask T to move closer on Tuesday and I couldn't even have words when I was in that state. I couldn't say anything or look at him. Even having practiced what I needed to say in my head, when I got there, that terrified part of me that needed him near could only throw out distress signals. Sigh...why is it that Ts cannot adopt us again? (((((((((((Sadly))))))))))))) Missing you and praying your trip goes well.