Hi All,

I have posted this in the restricted area as I had an ongoing thread. But True North has encouraged me to post here. I have mentioned my problems this week about me struggling to confide in my beloved T about a serious issue. T and I share a mutual friend that T knew about before sessions started. I have had childhood abuse, neglect, zero attachment - so bit by bit over the past 10 months I have learnd to be safe and to confide in T. As I have become more safer - I have become attached and some real therapy was happening. I was feeling so comfortable I began talking about the conflict I was having with our shared friends. I had asked them not to talk about T in my presence, but they kept doing it - and so this week while I had an incredibly bad session PLUS was unable to confide in her (first person ever) about my SI issues - i was fully charged and stressed. So when one of the friends came to my house - all she spoke about was T.

I absolutely flipped out and snapped and put my issues down in an email to T. I was incredibly angry because i thought T had lied to me, the friends were treating me differently etc.

After I calmed down, I wrote another explanatory T and begged forgivness.

So we had the usual session today and after 2 minutes, T terminated me. Her and her supervisor said that the conflict of interest was too great and they couldn't provide a neutral therapeutic environment.

For 90 minutes I begged, cajoled and pleaded with her to change her mind. She was EFFING tough but stood her ground. I tried every angle I could. I told her she didn't have to be so rigid and she was allowed to change her mind.

I left absolutely shattered, feeling that my life was over, that every significant person in my life was dead, that I couldn't breathe nor take another step.

I sat in my car for the next 6 hours.

My husband (whom I told everything about last night) was texting me, ringing me makig sure i was ok. A colleague T (who is our children's psych and I have known for 8 yrs) rang my husband after DH left messages and email. She eventually came to the carpark and found me and spent an hour with me. She had already spoken to T after my husband asked her to.

My child T offered me an appt with her just so we can chat - office is next door to beloved T, but beloved T is not working that day.

I have to take one of my kids to see child T on Thursday and this IS beloved T's working day. I cannot face her.

So I have been crying for the past 12 hours and I am devastated beyond belief.

I had told DH last night that my T was my lifeline and that i had found someone for the first time in my life with whom i had a connection and i could speak to. First time in 45 years. I thought she would be around for the 5 years for me to walk with in my life to help me. I told him that having T was more important to me than the 3 friends and I would lose the friends if I had to.

So today. The nightmare is here. I told T that the moment I walk out - I have lost the most important person in my life PLUS my 3 friends as I would never be able to look at them without blaming them for me losing T.T didn't know why I would ditch the friends.

I would do anything to get T back. Even if it is for x number of sessions to finish off some work we were doing - anything. 50% of her is better than nothing for me.

My husband is very angry at their ethics - the person they are supposed to be helping has been harmed - so much for ethics and helping people. he is going to email T and ask her to reconsider.

I think I am on suicide watch over the weekend.

Child T said to me 'if it is any consolation your T is very, very shaky, this has affected her a lot'. I said - that doesn't make me feel better - she didn't have to do it.

If I knew I was going to be terminated without warning one day and it was about the friends - for God's sake I would NEVER have complained. Even if this caused a block in my therapy = it would have been worth keeping my T. I wished I had kept my mouth SHUT. Stopped complaining and just focussed on what happened during the session. But I thought I was safe in telling her.

I have text the 3 friends telling them a significant thing happened in my life today and I can no longer be their friends and asked for some distance from them. Two of them I have known for 25 years. That is how much I need T.

Yes - T should never have taken me on as she knew the friendship before session 1, but she was taking me on as I had suicidal thoughts at the time and Child T forced me / arranged me to see her colleague as a safe gap measure. I saw her the next week, then freaked and stopped seeing her. then things got bad again and I went back to her and have grown to trust, respect and attach to her. Then she does this.

To me it sends me the message never to trust a psych again and they can get rid of you as soon as the going gets tough.

I am devastated beyond belief.

SD - huge (((hugs))) to you.
My heart was breaking for you as I read this.I am so very sorry this has happened to you. I can just imagine the pain, as I know I would also be so completely devestated beyond recognition if this were me.
I will pray for you and keep you in my thoughts.
Be safe please.
GG

SD... I'm so glad to see you post here on OF. You will need all the support you can get. I think your T and her supervisor handled this very badly. There was no reason why you could not have been given an ethical termination phase out of your therapy and your T should have helped you to transition over to a new T. She had been seeing you for a long period of time while knowing about the conflict of interest with those 3 friends and so I don't see how giving you another 4-6 sessions to work through your grief and to transition to a new T would be such a problem for her. Getting you safely in the hands of a new and competent T should override the conflict of interest... especially when working with a patient with attachment injury.

SD... I know you are fairly new here but have you read my old threads and the story of what happened to me?? If not I can post some links for you if you would like. This all started for me when my T started acting strange on July 1st of last year and he abandoned me on August 12th of 2010. I had also just come out of the hospital after having surgery and then my T left town on an extended vacation. I was left alone on a Friday night with NO T, no help and no place to turn. My dh did not know about my therapy so I could not go to him for help and I also had a child who was in therapy with this T and he was also abandoned. I was left trying to care for my child when I was completely devastated and in grief. It was awful.

I experienced paralyzing grief. I would shake all the time, have nightmares, wake up with panic attacks, and have just terrible fear. Of course I cried ALL the time. I almost lost my job because I was crying so much and unable to function there. And talking to other Ts was very painful.

I hope you call on all the support you have. You need to think of your kids and your dh and how they need you and you have to find a new T and pull yourself together as much as possible. This will be a hard, long journey, but you will make it and you will learn a lot. I hate that you are having to experience this because I know how it feels.

Hugs to you. Stay safe
TN

I have read and followed your story TN and I value your advice highly. It is just that at the moment, I cannot imagine ever talking to another T.

I thank you for that query as to why they didn't give me a phased termination - that would have been better. I think that shows you all that their ethics are to protect the T and not the client - if it was for the client, then they would offer that. I have printed off the info and will pass onto DH who will write his email over the weekend.

Do you know what just dawned on me - there is another person in my city tonight who is likely to be quite shattered. I wonder if she has regrets?

Does anyone think she will reconsider?

Somedays,

It sounds like she and her supervisor panicked and clearly didn't think things through. I'm sorry this had to happen to you. I know what it feels like when you finally find someone you can talk to and then to have that person torn away from you like that. I know you feel like you did something wrong confiding in her about your feelings but you should be able to confide in your T about your feelings. You shouldn't have to hold back.

Maybe she will consider taking you back since you terminated your friendships but would you ever be able to trust her again? Would you really be able to be open and honest with her and not fear termination in the event you brought up something else that presented a conflict for her?

And what about those lost friendships? Won't they be a source of pain for you? And that being so, would you be able to talk to T without holding back about losing those friends? You may not think so now, but at some point, the pain of losing those friends will hurt you and it will hurt. You will need to process those feelings with someone.

I agree 100% with TN about they way T handled this and should have handled it. It was botched and you are the victim here. You did nothing wrong in trying to talk about your feelings.

I know you don't think you want to talk to anyone else right now but maybe if you do, they can help you arrange some kind of termination sessions so at least you could get to see her again.

((((((BIG BIG HUGS))))))

Liese

quote:

It is just that at the moment, I cannot imagine ever talking to another T.

I absolutely know you cannot imagine this. I would see a new T and sit in my car and pound on the steering wheel in grief and anger that I was being FORCED into doing this when I just wanted to see and talk to my T.

The concern here is that you have now experienced a traumatic ending and you will need help and support in processing this and in healing. The best person to help you is a T (as crazy as that sounds)... but I would advise to try to find a T who has worked with patients who have been terminated. And certainly one who gets the whole attachment thing.

Take some time ... it all just happened to you and you need time to adjust and to settle. Then you can think about finding help.

Your T may not be able to change her mind because if she has a supervisor that decision may be out of her hands. The best you could hope for realistically is a termination phase of a few sessions to transition you. I'm sorry to say this because I know it hurts like hell. There really is not much that can make it feel better except time and (in my case) attachment to a new and wonderful T.

I'm here if you need to chat.

TN

Hello SomeDays
I am so sorry to read your post and what has happened. It sounds like your T was totally unethical here and just panicked blindly. It's little wonder that you are feeling this way, but you did absolutely nothing wrong here.
You are very much in my thoughts

SD... I just thought of a question.

Did your T provide you with a list of referrals? That is part of an ethical termination. Of course, she should have taken this further in helping you set something up and giving you some time to adjust to moving on to a new T with no conflicts of interest.

Please remember.... you did nothing wrong. I KNOW there will be a drive to blame yourself or try to figure out what you did wrong or what you could have done differently. It took my new T a LONG time to even begin to push me out of these thoughts. I still at times revert to blaming myself. If you have a history of trauma/abuse this is a reaction from childhood.

So please know that you did nothing wrong.

Hugs
TN

(((((((((((((((((SD))))))))))))))))))))

I am so very sorry, SD. Being terminated suddenly, when you've done nothing wrong, is truly awful. There's nothing I can add to all of the terrific responses you've already received. I just wanted to send you hugs and say I'm sorry for your pain.

Keep talking through this, SD. I know it is unimaginable right now, but you will make it through.

SG

SD- I am so very sorry for your loss. I don't have more to add- as others are very wise through experience in this area. TN knows a lot. Perhaps after the deep sense of loss has subsided, TN's (and others) words will make more sense. I am holding you in my thoughts and prayers.

SD, I don't have much else to add over what others have said, but I'm also so very sorry for you. Hang in there

((((((((Somedays)))))))) I am so sorry that this happened and it was handled so badly. This isn't your fault at all.

Please keep talking here.

Thinking of you
Butterfly

I am so, so very very sorry
I know how hard this is--and how devastating. My T of 7 years terminated me suddenly one day-- no warning or anything. It just shocked me. I still don't even know for sure why she did it.
For MONTHS, I cried so hard and thought of her all the time.

I just want to encourage you though... it DOES get better. I thought it never would, but it did eventually. I now have a T who is LOTS better than old T-- which I never thought would happen. It won't always feel so bad... I am really sorry you are going through this though.

I'm so sorry about this SD. How unbelievably terrible. I wish there was something I could say to offer you some comfort. Please let us know how you are coping. Keep talking.

Hugs,
BB

(((SD))) I've been with my T about the same amount of time and I know the attachment I have with him would make it excruciating and debilitating to be terminated, especially so suddenly. I do hope that when your H emails her, she is able to offer an ethical transition to other care. I'm sorry that this has robbed you of feeling safe in your relationship with your friends as well. It was 100% T's responsibility to realize the conflict and set boundaries and she didn't do her job. She continues to not do her job by not ensuring you are transitioned to another T as smoothly as possible. It makes me really sad and angry for you. I wish there were something more I could do beyond thoughts and (((hugs))) and just being here to listen. I hope you are able to rest a bit.