I'm sorry this is so long. I'm really struggling again today. I've been really up and down about this breaking from my T thing. Some days I feel fine, and even though T is always there in my mind, I'm able to get through the days. Other days I wake up and my brain literally hurts and I can't stop crying. I keep hoping that I will be able to fully access the relief that is under there at not having to face him with all of my embarrassing crap about him anymore. It *is* good not to have to dread sessions anymore, to not have to be in fear and trembling all the time over not having the right things to say, not working hard enough, not having enough goals,not guiding the sessions enough, being too attached, not knowing what I need from him, not progressing, constantly relapsing, not doing therapy "right" not trusting him, being so damn picky, feeling mentally retarded, feeling so unpleasant and gross to my T, and so on. Now, in a way it is good that I am alone with all of that. At least I don't have to think about how I affect him. I guess, in a way, you could say that I have quit therapy for the benefit of my T. I just wish it could have been different. I wish T could have *really* accepted me, instead of just constantly saying he did, but then being so...idk. I can't put my finger on it. It's like- he did everything right, I was just too picky. I know, I know- I'm not supposed to take the blame, but I just can't seem to get over that hurdle. I just hurt so badly today. It's like living with the effects of a botched surgery or something. It's...what is wrong with me, what is wrong with me...all the time. It's merciless. I know I have to find another T, but I keep hoping that maybe in time I'll heal from this enough and be self-guided enough and not so helpless about therapy- that it won't be so impossible to get help from some T or spiritual director or something. My SD is here until the end of the month and I don't know if I should schedule another session with him before he leaves for good, or not.

I'm sorry to keep going on and on about this. I know I'm like a broken record. T sent his last bill yesterday, and made sure he sent it to my H and wrote to him instead of me, even though he has *never* sent a bill to my H in two years of therapy, it's always been me- now he chooses to send it to my H. I know it's really silly, but I was actually looking forward to getting that last bill, and I thought he might have a few kind words for me. Instead, my H got those few kind words- (why not both of us?) and I guess it's opened stuff up again, and I feel so toxic and rejected even though my H keeps saying that he probably did that for some other reason. It's like- even though breaking from my T was my decision he seems to find ways to ensure that I become aware that he rejects me, without ever saying it, so that he maintains his status as a T that never rejects clients. Like the whole email thing- "sorry about that but I won't have time to respond to this email for three more weeks" (I was very open and poured my heart about all my doubts and fears of him, and then I asked if there is any way to salvage two years of therapy-) even though I requested to pay for a response, I'm not holding my breath on getting one after this last episode of him sending the last bill and even an email to my H only- so that he won't have to deal with me or even recognize my existence on the planet anymore. It's almost like he thinks I was after him or something. It's like he thinks I just wanted him instead of my H, and that I didn't want to heal. He must be so relieved to be rid of this client that was so negative all the time with him. He liked me when I was grateful to him and sweet, but he couldn't handle it when I was a wreck and hated him. He told me my anger was very unpleasant. He told me that there were times he thought I was mentally retarded. He told me he couldn't understand why I wouldn't share my inner world with him.
My H was just so confused about that last email/bill. Like- "why is he sending me this?" What did I do so wrong, to deserve that- my T knows very well that I get triggered by being left out- he must have done it on purpose just to punish and hurt me? I just wish I could go back and fix it. I wish I could apologize to my T and make him see that I really do need his help, and that I will try harder now. It's just not possible, though. When it hurts more to be there, than it does to feel abandoned, I think it was time to break. T has left the door open for me, but I really don't believe him. My H told me I never should have sent that last letter to my T, because now he thinks my T will not take me back even if I need to. But T said in his email that we are always welcome to come back so I am just confused.

I'm sorry to be a broken record guys.

BB

I'm sorry it's still so hard, but it is completely understandable. You aren't a broken record at all.

If you do find another T, BB, a good one...then he/she should be able to help you find your way in therapy. You don't have to have all of the answers, nor can you be expected to have them. I'd be running around like a chicken with it's head cut off if my T didn't give me some direction. And it doesn't even have to be specific, even something like saying I'm working hard (even when it feels like I'm fumbling around in the dark) helps me know that maybe I'm not doing everything 'wrong'. I came into therapy completely helpless as to what the heck I was doing, but my T helps me feel not so helpless. You shouldn't have to do all the work, BB. Don't keep yourself from finding a T because you think you need to know more to be able to do it 'right'. Btw, I used to think that I wasn't doing therapy right, with my first T mainly. I think I've finally gotten over that bit and realized that there truly isn't a right and wrong in how we do therapy.

That is very odd that your T sent the bill to your H. Sounds like a cowardly, underhanded move to me. Makes me all the more glad that you've decided to break from him because he's so inconsistent and plain confusing sometimes that it's just not healthy.

Anyway Beebs...keep posting as much as you need to. Don't back off because you're afraid of saying too much bad stuff and being a broken record. It's okay to be in pain, and it's perfectly okay to talk about it. ((((((((hugs))))))))

Thanks you Kashley. Thanks for understanding. It would have helped a lot if T had ever said that I worked hard, but I guess he couldn't say that to me, since I didn't and he wasn't proud of me.

I am sorry for being so whiny. I don't know where to put these feelings, or who it would be ok to share them with,so I put them here.

You did work hard BB. Too hard!! I hope I didn't make you feel worse. And if it helps to look in terms of right and wrong, you did so much right. You showed up, you vocalized your hurts and you vocalized your needs. It's not your fault. ((((hugs)))). Gotta run... Hang in there Beebs.

Oh BB
You are not a broken record and you are not whiny. You are hurting very deeply. Of course you have all of these feelings that seem to just take hold and not let go. I know you wish they would leave you alone and I'm so sorry it hurts so much. I am *really* glad you posted because you should not be alone with your pain...even if you have to post about it everyday, BB. Losing a T hurts badly.

I am thinking of you and wishing you moments of peace today. ((((you))))
seablue

quote:

Like the whole email thing- "sorry about that but I won't have time to respond to this email for three more weeks" (I was very open and poured my heart about all my doubts and fears of him, and then I asked if there is any way to salvage two years of therapy-) even though I requested to pay for a response, I'm not holding my breath on getting one after this last episode of him sending the last bill and even an email to my H only- so that he won't have to deal with me or even recognize my existence on the planet anymore. It's almost like he thinks I was after him or something. It's like he thinks I just wanted him instead of my H, and that I didn't want to heal. He must be so relieved to be rid of this client that was so negative all the time with him. He liked me when I was grateful to him and sweet, but he couldn't handle it when I was a wreck and hated him. He told me my anger was very unpleasant. He told me that there were times he thought I was mentally retarded. He told me he couldn't understand why I wouldn't share my inner world with him.

Beebs, I am so sorry you are going through this hell. I know how it feels. I really do. A lot of what you wrote resonates in some way with me but what I quoted above really made me angry with your T. He was incompetent to help you and he is trying to put that fault on you! He is supposed to be directing the therapy NOT you. You are the patient and you are not supposed to have all the answers. You are not supposed to do this alone. Just yesterday my T asked me where I went (I had dissociated away from him a bit during a discussion about childhood) and I said I had to get myself under control so I could talk to him... basically... separating myself from the pain. He said, "and why are you doing that by yourself? That is what I am here for, to help you with that" It felt really good to hear that. He also commented that he understood that I was so used to doing it all alone, in childhood and also in my previous therapy.

It is totally reprehensible that it would take a T THREE WEEKS to respond to an email from a patient who was in such a dire place. I know this may be difficult to hear but he abandoned you right there, Beebs. He is worthless as a T and even unethical. You were asking him if your therapy could be salvaged and he ignored that?

Then he shows his cowardice by sending the bill and an email to your dh? YOU were his first client, not your dh and this was in regard to YOUR treatment. That is unethical as well as being a coward.

Why would a competent T think you wanted him instead of your dh? Because you developed a childlike attachment to him? Because you needed to go back and redo the developmental stages you were denied as a child? Let me ask you Beebs? Did you dress like a hooker during your Skype sessions? Did you make suggestive and seductive comments to him? If you did then he could think you wanted him... but so what? Then it should have been addressed not ignored or him pushing you to your dh as your attachment figure. To me it seems like your T had an avoidant attachment status himself and may have a troubled background that he never addressed fully so to not allow it to contaminate the therapy space.

He like you when you were grateful and sweet? Well too bad. If he only likes dealing with grateful sweet people then he should be in another profession. Therapy gets rough and bumpy at times and he needs to accept that or go be an accountant or something. What he was doing with you was reenacting your childhood. And he made his approval and acceptance of you conditional. If you are nice you get the pat on the head. I wish I could kick him in the shins for you!

He told you he thought you were mentally retarded and didn't know why you wouldn't share your inner world with him??? I am incredulous at this. First of all, telling you that was ABUSIVE, not to mention rude and unprofessional! And maybe you wouldn't share your inner world because he had NO clue what to do with your inner thoughts and feelings. And maybe because he never worked to create a safe, caring, trusting space for you to feel okay to share these things with him. What was lacking Beebs was in HIM not you. I am SO angry with him.

And if all that is true, then you are lucky to be away from him because he would only cause you further harm and pain. It was just like when my oldT made me feel "overwhelming" and "too much" and told me I needed a "special trauma T". That was all bullshit because he was incompetent. He made it my fault. I tell my current T stuff and he looks at me and tells me you are NOT overwhelming or too much. You are a wonderful, insightful, intelligent patient who works hard. And Beebs, you are the same. You work hard but you had an incompetent T and you felt that you had to take on and run the therapy for him. He was not a good T. I hope he just disappears and you will grieve the relationship and then be able to move on with a new T. When you do therapy with a real, professional, competent T you will see just what a huge difference in makes. A lot of the angst and pain you suffered was caused by your T's incompetence.

The last thing I want to add here is that I would never have made the recent improvements that I have made unless I had a good T to help me recover. I could NEVER have done this alone, even though I had caring friends, a great sister and this board. I needed a good, caring, competent T to listen to me and to guide me and explain things to me and pick up on stuff I never saw nor understood about my previous T relationship. I needed a T who would allow me to attach and be comfortable in that attachment we have TO EACH OTHER. As he explained to me yesterday, you cannot form an attachment with someone who will not allow it to happen. So please Beebs.... go out there and meet with that T that you spoke to (or emailed?) who was good in the attachment area. You can do this. I know you can. Please believe in yourself too. Go meet with him and each time you do... you will get stronger and stronger and the pain will get less and less.

I'm thinking of you and I hope that you will seriously consider what I've said. I say it out of love and concern for you.

Hugs
TN

((((Beebs))))

What TN said x10.

((((BB)))))

If you didn't hurt, you wouldn't be human. It hurts because it feels like you failed somehow. It hurts because you so much want to get better and this T let you down. Beebs, it hurts because it feels like he rejected you.

You could, BB, demand to speak with him and ask him, why did you reject me? What is so disgusting and vile about me that you can't work with me, that you avoid me? But then again, he could have a major personality disorder and just screw you up even more. And, I'd hate for you to get hurt even more BB. Maybe you could have your H call him and say, WTF? It sounds like he's really playing mind games and maybe someone needs to stand up to that ass.

BB, I hate the thought of you languishing at home in all this self-blame. Your SD is leaving. Can you find someone just to have one consult with who can help you sort through this mess? Not necessarily to do therapy, not necessarily to make that commitment but you shouldn't be processing this by yourself, Beebs.

BB, I so relate to the self-blame. When T and I were processing the recent vacation mess, he asked me what happened, how did I start to spin out? I told him that when I got home, I was frustrated that he wouldn't let me email and my first thought was, what did I do wrong? Maybe I didn't ask the right way? (the self-blame.) Then the next phase I went into was, what was he trying to teach me? To yell louder? To ask in a different way? To jump higher???? (denial) And then finally I got to ... no, this was his boundary. And he said, yes, that was his boundary. He doesn't have any contact with any of his clients when he is on vacation. And, so all that self-blame was misplaced. There really wasn't anything else I could have done to get that email address and I was beating myself up mercilessly.

I'll give you another example. When I went on vacation recently, T and I had two phone sessions. It was right after he told me he doesn't love me. I was in a bad place. I told him that I kept asking myself, how does he want me to react to this? Maybe I should get a book to read about how I'm supposed to react to this phase of therapy? Maybe I should ask the people on the forum? And then, finally I just decided that I would just be me. I wouldn't try to be perfect. And T was going to have to accept me as I am or he can't be my T anymore. If I'm not good enough or smart enough or doing therapy the right way. And T said, that's exactly it. Just be you.

Awww, it's such a relief to just be me BB. And if my T can't accept who and what and where I am right now, then he can't be my T. End of story. There wasn't anything else you could have done to please your T. It was his job to get you where you needed to go.

Please think twice about finding someone to talk to.

(((BIG HUGS))))

Liese

Beebs... so sorry if I came on too strong in the above post but I stand by what I wrote....

I realized though that I never answered your question about why you still hurt. You hurt because you are a kind, gentle person. You hurt because what your T did was to abandon and betray you. That hurts because you invested so much into the therapy and the relationship and it hurt to lose something so important to you.

What you are now experiencing is grief and loss. Very real grief and loss and it will take a lot of time to heal this. And everyone heals on their own time table. And this is how grief works... you may be okay at times and then like a tidal wave it washes over you and you think you are going to drown in the pain. It comes and goes. It gets triggered by all kinds of events... even seemingly innocent things will trigger the grief. You lost your T... who was a very important person to you. I'm sorry you have this loss to deal with. You need to grieve. You need time. And you need to talk about it... over and over again... to process it. You are not a broken record. You are doing what is important in allowing you to heal from this.

Please talk about it as much as you want. Don't isolate. That won't help you.

Hugs
TN

Thank you TN. thank you Kashley. thank you Seasblue. Thank you LG.
TN, It's just my T has destroyed my trust in other therapists by telling me that I will not be able to find care like his anywhere out there, that there was something very special about what he was offering to me- and primarily by telling me that other T's who let their clients stay in therapy for years are just doing it just to get more of their clients money, and that it is unethical of them to allow it. He told me that the reason he made it his goal for me to end therapy, is because he cares about me and doesn't want to see me spend "piles of money, only to deepen the attachment." I believed him. And I took that thinking in as my own. I don't know how to change that thinking it's like giving up a belief system that my T gave me or something. Then he would say the opposite, that I needed to learn to depend in order to heal, so I was very confused all the time. As you know.

What I cannot understand is why he reiterates that I am welcome to come back anytime. ??? that is almost the worst of it, because I don't beleive him, I think he is just saying that but will give me nothing if I actually follow through. Maybe that is what I deserved...nothing.

oops I crossposted I will go back and read now, sorry.

Thank you Liese, too. I crossposted with you, before so I didn't see what you wrote. Thank you for sharing your expereinces with me. TN you didn't come on too strong. I just keep thinking that if my T read what you wrote he would be mad, and he would point the finger at me, like he would say...that he didn't respond for three weeks, (actually I seriously doubt he will reply at all) but that he did send me a shorter reply that was very nice to expalin that, and responded to a few of the surface issues in the letter I wrote. and stuff like that.

Beebs,

He IS giving you very contradictory messages and personally, I would find it very confusing. Can you ask him to clarify everything he told you? Would that help in some way?

I have a lot of work to do on myself Beebs, to get where I want to be in life. It's going to take me a long time and the help of a supportive T. My T is okay with that and I don't really feel like he is looking at it like I'm his paycheck. He sees my determination and will and just lets me know that he is in it with me for the long haul to help me get what I need and want from life. So, personally I disagree with your T.

The changes that I have to make take time. It's not as though I don't want to change. Sometimes I just don't know how to. Maybe it would be different if I didn't really want to change.

But I also hear a determination from you and know that you would not just languish in therapy, using him to meet needs that you can't get met outside of therapy. You just didn't know how to get past this stage on your own, nor should you know. He's supposed to be the expert. That's what he's getting the big bucks for, IMHO.

Liese

quote:

TN, It's just my T has destroyed my trust in other therapists by telling me that I will not be able to find care like his anywhere out there, that there was something very special about what he was offering to me- and primarily by telling me that other T's who let their clients stay in therapy for years are just doing it just to get more of their clients money, and that it is unethical of them to allow it. He told me that the reason he made it his goal for me to end therapy, is because he cares about me and doesn't want to see me spend "piles of money, only to deepen the attachment."

Beebs... your T is right in a way... you hopefully WON'T find anyone like him out there who will be SO incompetent and misguided and cruel. How convenient and self-serving to tell you that he was IT.. .the best T ever! That only HE could offer you this special treatment. Would you really want another T who behaves like this T?

And we are back to HIS fear of attachment again. Some therapy, especially therapy with clients who have attachment injury and complex-PTSD does take years and years. Because it is so complex and complicated and impacts so many areas of their life. There is a lot to untangle. And so what would happen should the attachment deepen? Is that a problem for him or you? This is not clear to me.

When the attachment deepens and is allowed to bloom and grow it heals the patient. It is in all the literature. It works. It allows you to go back and re do the developmental stages that you did not have as a child. Eventually, you internalize the attachment figure and are able to go out and live life fully and be comforted by this internalized figure. Yes, eventually leaving them will be hard, but it can be done. We have seen it happen.

Was it any better for your T to take your money and provide NO containment, guidance, information, healing, care or understanding?

And I need to ask you Beebs.... do you REALLY believe him when he says that you can only get this kind of "care" from him? Only you can really decide this.

I'm sorry for being so "tough love" on you but what he did to you is wrong in SO many ways. I'm sorry you are left with the pain and grief.

Many hugs
TN

quote:

It is totally reprehensible that it would take a T THREE WEEKS to respond to an email from a patient who was in such a dire place. I know this may be difficult to hear but he abandoned you right there, Beebs. He is worthless as a T and even unethical. You were asking him if your therapy could be salvaged and he ignored that?

Then he shows his cowardice by sending the bill and an email to your dh? YOU were his first client, not your dh and this was in regard to YOUR treatment. That is unethical as well as being a coward.

I agree with TN, this man is not a good therapist and I look forward to the time you can experience a true loving supportive therapist who really knows his stuff. Not this person.

I am so sorry Beebs you are going through this. Sigh. It will hurt. It is painful stuff.

(BB)) (((((((BB)))))))))