i realize in my glee in finding so many nurturing people in this crappy transition time between T1, T2 and T3, i have ONLY been a sponge for all your nurturing. finding so many 'mommies' in my lifelong struggle to find a mommy, i have just taken and not given back.

and as good as it feels to be nurtured, i know it also feels good TO nurture. so, i am sorry to have not been an equal player out there.


y'all have been so kind to me. i think i am a bit more settled now, so thanks, and i will look to give more than take.

thanks for putting up with me in the meantime!!

jill (post-hog)

(((( Jill ))))

That’s so nice of you to apologize, and I’d say there’s no need. I’m guessing that you are feeling a bit guilty? Or a bit scared at having said too much? In any case I’m glad you are happy about finding the forum and have found a place where you can say some of the stuff that no-one seems to get in real world. Please don’t beat yourself up about what you have or haven’t posted - it sounds like you’re going through a pretty bad time at the moment and it would be awful if you felt you couldn’t keep posting about it.

So do keep posting!

LL

thanks, lamplighter...jill

Hi Jill,

I just want to echo what LL said - there's no need to apologize, and I certainly hope you keep posting.

Hang in there. ((((Jill))))

I agree w/ LL - you are new- so be the sponge and soak up all you can- for this is how you grow.

I agree with everyone else. I think it can just be such a relief to find other people who understand.

Hi Jill,

Well, if there had been any doubt in my mind as to whether or not you "belonged" here, this thread would have removed it completely. Being too hard on ourselves is something we all do from time to time...and you are being a wee bit too hard on yourself, don't you think? You only joined the forums nine days ago. And the reason you were looking wasn't just because you couldn't find anything good on YouTube...it was because you'd gone through hell with T1 not hearing or seeing you, and then you had to deal with T2 falling asleep and then denying it. You needed reassurance and validation and you found it here, and I'm really glad you did! That is one of the main reasons we are here. And your "taking" from the forum didn't diminish it in the slightest, in fact you've added to it just by being here. One way you've helped me is that your description of T1 has helped validate some things that happened with my ex-T - for example, my ex-T also avoided ever saying anything that could sound like a compliment, and we also had a discussion about my possibly having borderline "characteristics" or "traits" without having the full "disorder". In fact, a few times when I was reading your account, I wanted to ask you privately if your T1 and my ex-T were one and the same...except my ex-T was definitely not a minister, so that ruled it out. Also, your asking for support and reassurance gives us the chance to give it to you, which actually helps us too. And in just the little time you've been here, you've found T3, who so far sounds like a keeper, and you are already working so hard. I appreciate that you want to "give back"...well you already are, and you will. So keep feeling that "glee" and keep enjoying that nurturing feeling!

SG

Sheesh, Jill, I think I deserve the bill "post-hog," not you. You have nothing to apologize for, and I think everyone here is glad to have you among us. Please feel free to "take" as much as you need to, because we all need to learn to do that, and I do believe that this place is full of individuals like yourself, who are more than willing to "give..."

Peace, Jill,

BB

Yikes, Dragonfly, come back! Please! Hold it right there before you go any further!!!!!!

Little Dragonfly, you are in a spin.... But it needn't end up in you buzzing away from us. Please just hold on and have a think about some things I want to say - and I'm sure others will want to say other things too - before you fly off into the sunset.

DF, what a beautiful apology you give.

Jill, I don't know how you are but I want to say I'm sorry you both went through this - hurt feelings all round I'm guessing - and I want to talk to DF first but while I do to say that you too are a really valued member here, and I want you to come back too! Nothing I will say to DF alters that.

Okay, DF... your apology is so beautiful because you recognised that you got triggered and you acted out of your trigger. That is SO HARD to see! But you did it, and what you are feeling now is so uncomfortable partly because you are aware of the hurt that can come of that. And there is such a beautiful opportunity for a repair here... but a repair doesn't work if one or both parties run away.

We all bring SO much emotion to this place - we give it so much of our inner selves, and there are potential triggers in every single thread. It is amazing that this kind of disruption doesn't happen more often, and I'm betting sometimes it does happen behind the scenes and others don't see it. But the reason this place works so well is that there is also love and honesty in every single thread too. So we take the risk that we are going to get triggered or that we might trigger someone else, and we put the stuff out there and we hope for the best.

As in therapy, I think, the only way to make it 'safe' would be to not come here at all. And as in therapy, we have to accept some risk to get the growth and the healing.

So okay, there's risk, and here we are in a bit of a risk explosion and some bits have gone flying and there's been some hurt.

But... does this LOOK like a community for perfect people!?!?!! (Have you read my latest post? ) And what kind of community would this be if we couldn't accept and care for each other in our imperfections? Messing up doesn't stop you from being lovely, DF, or from deserving to be amongst us other lovely imperfect humans. It just means you were in here with your heart on the line, like all of us, and the circumstances happened to set you off like they could happen to all of us.

You have done the most honourable thing possible by owning up to the slip-up and apologising. You have been so brave in showing us what's going on and showing us your lovable imperfectness - and by showing us this you're letting us all learn from this happening, about how important it is to look after ourselves while we're here, to listen to our triggers.

But falling on your sword or putting yourself into isolation will just take you away from us, and we really value you a great deal, and we want you with us.

So I ask you not to do that DF, Dear Friend, Dapper Flapper, FlagonDry, DragonFly. Please stay.

Jill, please let us know how you are. It is triggering to encounter another person's triggers, and it is hard sometimes to come back from that. I don't want to say too much to you right away because I don't know how you are feeling, but I so hope that you can feel comfortable enough to be here, and to talk to us or directly to DF if there is more repairing needs to be done before that is possible. You have been with us just a little while but have already contributed so much with your openness and your brave speaking of your experience, so I am really hoping this will be just a little glitch we can get over.

Love to all.

Jones

Dragonfly, Jill, please come back. We love you both. DF, you are a sweetie. Don't be so hard on yourself honey, we know you welcome Jill, you were just triggered. Please come back both of you, we really care about you. I would say more, but I do not have the words, I don't want to hurt.

(((((((((((Dragonfly and Jill))))))))))))))))

BB

first of all, dragonfly, i really appreciated you taking the personal time to care about me enough to tell me how you had been hurt. and i became aware that i had just been, really, taking. not aware of who said what on my public posts, just clinging onto the litle bits of hope and life and nurturance i have felt. what is probably good, as, now, maybe we can be FAMOUS for handling a trigger in a public way, and instead of running, which we have both felt, we STAY, we HANDLE IT, we RESOLVE it instead of RUNNING!!

are YOU up to that challenge sweet friend dragonfly?? I am, but only if YOU stay with me...OK?? PLEASE??

you, and i, feel WAY TOO MUCH GUILT for anytime we think we might tippy-toe out of our TIGHT, TIGHT boundaries we have for ourself. so let's work on that together, ok?? Please don't leave. neither one of us need to be isolated, those are old ways, my friend, old ways...we are here to grow, not shrink. it is a struggle for me, too, so let's just show people how we can GROW through conflict rather than run away, feeling like we have sinned, when we did not, you respectfully and privately told me you had been hurt (nice and reasonable comment), i replied with an apology and tried to explain how it was not you, it was me being 'extra-needy' (nica and reasonable reply) and we picked up from there and all is fine between us. i felt obliged to touch others in an apology to 'right my relationship' with them if i had marred it (nice and reasonable response).

so, really, we handled it fine. let's not let it go in a bad direction in the ninth inning!! we are really almost done! In fact, i think we are...we understand each other better, and our relationship is deeper because of it, and, who knows, someone could learn by our example. let's look at ourselves from a new perspective and not the knee-jerk reaction that we have 'screwed it up again'....((which is one of my favorite old tapes!!))

ok??

and thanks jones, monte, and blackbird for your 'hug-full' comments! big and little jill

thanks too to strummergirl, kashley, mayo, STRM, and lamplighter for chiming in on this as well....((did i just get an academy award and forget anyone??))

DF and Jill, just want to second everything that's already been said - we love you both as you are! Jill, so glad to see you "back"! DF, please, you are being WAY WAY too hard on yourself. You belong here, you are beautiful, you are welcome here. SG

(((( Dragonfly ))))

Please don’t go - you are really beating yourself up big time here - it’s so not true, you DO give, all the time. I have to support 100% what Jones has said she’s explained it so well.

I do understand the feelings of shame and guilt, and I’m hoping that when you read these posts and what Jill has written our words will temper those nasty feelings a bit and you’ll feel able to come back and be our Dragonfly again. You’re just too nice for your own good

Jill I’m glad you feel a bit better about it all - yeah guilt is a real killer. It’s always a tightrope though isn’t it wanting to say what’s going on in your head but wondering whether it’s acceptable or not to other people? Hug for you Jill, don’t stop posting.

Have to add another comment too. Monte your words:

quote:

My golly-gosh, I struggle frequently with feelings of , "Hmmmph, noone appreciates what I have to say here, so I'm leaving...why didn't so-and-so respond to my wonderful post...I'm sure people think I dribble shit...oh I probably come across as cool or detached and noone likes me... blah-blah-blah..."

Could have written that myself! And I’m guessing nearly all of us at some time or another have felt like that? It certainly makes me feel better knowing someone else feels like that too. I know I’ve deleted one post because not only didn’t it get acknowledged but the OP’s next post made me feel like I’d really screwed up in what I’d said - anyway the point of this is that maybe there’s an object lesson in here somewhere? Don’t quite know what lol, but Dragonfly’s brutally honest post has certainly got me thinking.

Dragonfly please think seriously about coming back! Big big hugs to you.

LL

Please don't go DF. I would miss you terribly and I know others would as well. I just want to echo everything that has already so eloquently been said.

Jill, I'm happy that you are still here as well and hope that you will continue to post. I look forward to getting to know you more.

(((((DF))))) ((((Jill)))))