Does anyone have experience dealing with with unknown anniversaries? By this I mean, this time each year (as far back as at least my teens), I get all weird with lots of sensitive issues type stuff. It wasn't too bad during my 20s, but it was still there. I just always thought of it as a sort of seasonal depression, but the increased awareness I am building through therapy has helped me realize it is something more specific and insidious.

I literally feel like my whole relationship with my T (and my other safe people) has been snatched away from me with no obvious trigger except the self-destructive stuff I have been struggling with quite badly as my birthday approaches. I had my share of crappy birthdays (some sad, some lame), but nothing I would consider traumatic. I suddenly realized I am back exactly where I was last year (and have been before) at this time. It is across the board, in terms of how I think of my T (yay, horrible projections), what parts are acting up, the overwhelm with the destructive stuff and struggling to manage safety.

There is this ominous doom coming over me that feels very targeted, not some sort of Winter blues. But, for the life of me, I can't figure out anything specific that makes it suddenly impossible for me to relate to other people at all. All I know is that when I think about my birthday, I get irrationally frightened like something awful is going to get me. I have only one slightly specific birthday memory (bad 16th) from my childhood and a few other story sort of memories that relate to a joke I used to tell about my birthday. So, it's really hard for me to say whether there is or isn't some reason for it.

I know...to just be patient and gentle and reach out when I am not feeling safe. But, it's so much easier for me to do those things if I can figure out where this stuff is coming from and I can't seem to sort it at all.

It's really, really unsettling when you get things coming up and you don't know why. In lieu of not knowing any exact reason, just trust that what you're feeling and experiencing is real, you're experiencing it for a reason, and it's okay to not be okay. The fear might feel irrational now, but it wasn't then (unfortunately ). But this wouldn't come up time after time if there wasn't something related to it. And even if it's not just one thing, but an accumulation of things, it still doesn't diminish the fact that it's unsettling.

I'm sorry that there is so many bad feelings surrounding your birthday. You deserve to have a day where you can just take care of yourself and not worry about anything. I'm glad you posted about this, though, and that you're reaching out. Have you been in touch with T at all?

(((lots of hugs (multiply the parentheses by some big number ))))

((((YAKU))))

ARe you a December baby? Me too! Mine is the 17th. When is yours?

Yaku, I've always hated the holidays. The only holidays I seem to like as an adult are halloween and the fourth of July. I didn't know what bothered me either. I thought I was just a big grump, a big kill-joy.

When I thought back to the holidays, I remembered that my mother would make me dress up in tights and a dress and dress shoes. We had to go to church, often for days in a row. We didn't have a lot of family except for 80 and 90 year old aunts and uncles. And so that is who we'd spend the after-church time with. And my mother insisted that we chat with these elderly people. Which is nice I guess but as a 10 year old, not something I really wanted to do. And, so why would any of that be any fun?

But then, last year, when T didn't call me on that dreaded Wednesday, a specific memory that I had forgotten about DID float about about Thanksgiving that was directly related to my trauma. Aside from the tights and the dresses and the old people in my house, this memory really gave some credence for my hate of the holidays. That Thanksgiving was awful. I felt awful. I was completely dissociated from my family that Thanksgiving and no one noticed. I was a shell, a body, just there but not really there. And no one knew any better.

So all this to say that maybe there is something else that you just can't recall right now. The body knows. The body remembers and holds all the memories. Maybe you just can't access it right now. It really stinks that it has to be associated with your birthday. Maybe this year you can do something special for yourself.

xoxo

Love,

Liese

Yaku,

I'm sorry too that you had hard memories attached to your birthday - Liese is right, the body does remember even when the mind wants to forget. Some times of year give me real unease, I've been not sure why, then things have come up over the years in therapy and suddenly it all falls sadly into place.

So go gently with yourself and maybe give extra self care at those times whe you feel that uncertainty rising.

I hope you can enjoy your birthday,

starfishy (another December baby)

kashley - Thanks for reminding me to trust my experiences. A lot of wise people here have said that. I struggle with it, but these feelings probably aren't there for no reason, whether it was a single bad thing or an accumulation like you say. I have been in regular contact with T, as usual, but so many projections means everything he says sounds like "Go away" or that he thinks I'm lying right now.

Liese - Yes, December, mine is Tuesday. I'm sorry your holidays were so unenjoyable in general and that you found a specific reason, although I'm glad you were able to have your feelings validated. This year, I am splitting my birthday between my younger sisters (my one girly activity a year, mani/pedi with them while Boo is in preschool) and then dinner with my H and Boo. Last year was the first time they had been willing to be in the same room as him (their "gift" to me), but there was so much tension. We had a long table at a Mexican restaurant that H had won free appetizers and drinks at. So, I spent the whole lunch going back and forth between one end of the table and the other, seeing my hurting sisters, seeing my hurting husband, trying to be even and fair. I just couldn't do it again this year. I didn't even really want to celebrate at all. My birthday got forgotten a lot in the march to Christmas. The bad 16th birthday was that most everyone forgot. Dad was raised JW, so he sometimes will email me, but back then he didn't have email. Mom forgot until the last minute when one of my older sisters reminded her. Then, she yelled at me for "letting" her forget it again, ordered last minute pizza, ran to Safeway for a cake of a type I didn't like (which she wouldn't know) and threatened to either ground me from going to the talent show one of my best friends was performing in or kick me out...because I hadn't made plans with the family for my birthday. By that point in my life, I was already wishing she would forget, wouldn't notice me, etc. Yeah, it sucked, but in the end I went to the talent show and had fun. I think I walked home alone late at night and was scared by some people following behind me, but nothing bad happened that should make me as terrified as I am. The stuff that did happen was just normal family BS I experienced all the time and it just happened to fall on my birthday. That's my only detailed birthday memory. The others are all a part of a joke about what happens when it falls on a Friday the 13th. Even now, I feel like I've made it sound much worse than it is, because it really is "no big deal."

Anyway, I have this thing about my birthday where my celebrating is more about making others happy than me. For years, I would plan/organize it myself before I realized that what I wanted most for my birthday was to be left the f--- alone, stay in bed all day, maybe a nice bath, and not talk to anyone at all. Not really much of an option. It tends to piss people off, at least in my family. Plus, I'm not going to neglect Boo just to have a dark day. So, I just try to think about when she was born and what a blessing she was to me and think that at one point, probably my parents felt that way too about me coming into the world. Try to be positive, you know? Happy early birthday to you!


starfishy - Aww, happy birthday your way as well. Thanks for reminding me to be gentle and careful with myself.


(((((hugs)))))) to you all.

Awww, happy birthday to both Starfish and Yaku.



Yaku, your birthday should be a time of joy and celebration. But maybe also the fact that it was sandwiched in between two holidays didn't help either. Not sure how your holidays were but maybe it was a whole month of disappointment and blame from Thanksgiving to your birthday and then on to Christmas.


As you can see below, not everyone thinks the #13 is all bad:


Within indigenous cultures, 13 is often seen as a powerful concept or fulfillment of a cycle as related to completion of 13 lunar cycles of the natural year.

In 2004, a group of 13 Indigenous Grandmothers were gathered together to fulfill a prophecy and usher in a new generation of healing. From 3 different continents, different countries and completely different cultures and traditions these 13 Grandmothers were brought together to bring hope and healing for the world and our future.


Here's more:


- Significance of 13: Fingerprint of God

fingerprint of god

I probably didn't do that right but you can find it if you go to youtube.



- Within indigenous cultures, 13 is often seen as a powerful concept or fulfillment of a cycle as related to completion of 13 lunar cycles of the natural year. In...





- Significance of 13: Pre-Columbian Mesoamerican Calendars & Trecena


Trecenas mark 13 day periods used in Aztec and Mayan calendars. Trecenas represent divinitory, spiritual and non-linear concepts of time as well as relating to natural, earth and life/death cycles.



- Significance of 13: Tibetan Traditions



In pre-Buddhist Tibetan cosmology the number 13 is used frequently. Early Tibetan Kings were enthroned at the age of 13 and often ruled for a period of 13 years, to be succeeded by the next 13 year old king. A story of a mythological king emphasizes the significance of the number 13 to Tibetans wishing to rule their kingdoms in accordance to heavenly and earthly guidance.

Thirteen is used in specifying a definite period of time dedicated to meditation whether measured in days,months or years as well as in the successful completion of political or religious accomplishments. In this context it is a determining omen of great success.

-source Jstor.org

Hi Yaku,

Sorry you are so down.

Gloom and doom is a phrase I automatically associate with certain (and few) childhood feeling memories that have a visual quality to them, but that also a concrete quality of overtaking me/my existence...

For me, I think it may be related to existential feelings, like parents resenting my birth or not deserving to be born.

I'm not sure if that helps at all, but that's all I can think of becaues I can't remember childhood BDs.

But as far as the isolating you are doing, or feeling like doing-that's probably what you did as a little girl in anticipation of your upcoming birthday if you somehow felt you didn't deserve to exist..you would have probably felt tension in your body, chest too, at the thought of people focusing on celebrating your existence.

Aww, I never thought of it as not deserving to exist and I'm so sorry you ever felt that way, xoxo. Thanks for giving me your input and sharing your own experience. I will really have to give that some thought.

(((YAKU))))

I won't be around tomorrow so just wanted to wish you a happy bday tonight. Hope it's okay. Will be thinking of you.



Did you like the you tube video? And the stuff on #13?

xoxo

Liese

(((Liese))) Thanks for the birthday wishes and all the 13 info...totally didn't realize I hadn't replied to you, I am so out of it! I felt like I was back in my 10th grade math class or something watching that video.

13 is actually my favorite number and was always my jersey number when I played sports, by choice. I just used to like to joke, because it seemed like every birthday that fell on a Friday the 13th was horrible, but it was mostly just a joke I told. Only a few more days to go until your birthday. I hope you have a great one!

Happy Birthday dear Yaku, I'm really praying you might have a lovely day



starfishy