Ok I've never done this before so I don't know how this will work or even if it will catch on. Feel free to give suggestions if you'd like.

Question:
Are you feeling like a burden or annoyance to your T?

Choices:
Yes, big time
Just a little
Not at all

Question:
Do you feel like your T is going to terminate you/abandon you because of the way you feel?

Choices:
Yes
No

Question:
Have you talked to your T about these fears lately?

Choices:
Yes
No
Plan to next session

Question:
Do you usually feel better after you discuss this with your T?

Choices:
Yes
No
A little

 

Very cool JM.

PL

Great idea JM.

I answered in relation to my son's T. The only question I had a hard time answering was the last one. I talked to her twice about it. Once I felt better, the next I felt worse. I answered "A Little" when the answer really was "sometimes"

OW

Ah! That would have been a much better option for that question. I don't think I can edit that w/o messing up the poll. So hopefully everyone wil just choose A Little if they mean Sometimes.

Actually I see other areas I could improve on too. I wasn't sure how this would turn out and I didn't spend that much time thinking it through. Should I redo and have you re-cast your votes OR just leave it?

I think it's fine the way it is, but wouldn't mind re-casting my votes.

How's that for helping you make a decision.

Yeah thanks sure ya betcha!

I guess I'll just leave it, because knowing me I will keep finding ways to improve it. So unless someone strongly suggests otherwise I will leave it. It's just for fun anyway.

BTW: Feel free to vote as often as you like as it changes daily, weekly, or monthly.
I thought it would just be a guide intended to keep all of us aware that we are not alone in this and that it comes and goes for the most part. At least for me.

Okay this is not scientific but I think the poll shows that if you can possibly talk to your T about how you are feeling you almost always feel better. I am getting so much better at asking my T how he feels and he is getting so much better at giving me reassurance but it's a work in progress. It really does help to tell him what I need.

TN

TN

I agree with you. I am also getting better at asking my T how she feels and telling her how I feel about her. I told her last session that I would die if I ever hurt her feelings. It was REALLY hard for me to say that, but somehow she got it out of me! Then we talked about how much better I felt after saying it. Each tiny little step helps to make me feel like I can take another risk with her.

JM - thanks for this. You are right, it is helpful to see that many of us are going through the same things.

PL

I do feel like I'm too much for her cos i call her a lot and get upset when i cant get an extra appointment, I worry about her abandoning me she has said that she would never do that to me though.

PL...when I say to my T, "well I never know how you feel about it/something", he tell me "well you could just ask me". Sounds so easy, huh? I struggle with it because I'm afraid he'll say he's annoyed with me and that would be devastating. So I hesitate and try to figure him out and I never really know until I ask. Then when we talk about it I feel sooo much better and lighter. I think we both have very good Ts because they make us talk about how we feel and they help us to see that doing so is okay.

Emerald... if your T tells you she won't abandon you that is a very good thing. I know it's hard to believe those words. I struggle with them myself. I understand when he says it with my logical brain but the right brain simply cannot "feel" it enough to take it in. It's something that takes a long time. But I do draw some comfort realizing I'm not the only one with this issue.

TN

quote:

when I say to my T, "well I never know how you feel about it/something", he tell me "well you could just ask me".

TN - When I tell my T that I'm sure she thinks something, she says, "Well, thanks for telling me what I think. Next time you could just ask..." You're right, it sounds so easy, but it is truly soo... hard. But as you said, both of our Ts are so patient and seem to know just what to say to make us feel ok about expressing our thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I wish though that I could just spit it ALL out and be done with it. I guess it doesn't work like that. I feel like I have uncovered so many layers, but I think there are a whole lot more to go.

emerald - I am constantly telling my T, "Intellectually I know that ...... But emotionally I ....." It is hard to put the two together sometimes and it can be very frustrating. Keep asking her and keep hearing her words.

PL

quote:

"Intellectually I know that ...... But emotionally I ....."

Wow!. I feel like that ALOT!!!
My T has said to me before "Well, why don't you just let ME wory about that?"
But I still don't trust him. He is very kind, but I DO feel like such a burden to him--which makes no sense, because (intellectually) I know he makes a living taking on the "burdens".
He also, however, has mentioned that the therapy thing is "not forever" (I've been going about once or maybe twice a month for 4 months now) which scares me to death and makes me kind of feel like he wants to hurry up and get rid of me as a patient, maybe.
So I think maybe I hold back alot because I'm not so sure about him, and I don't want him to think I'm too "needy".

AJB

I have to admit that I don't worry about this as much as I used to. I believe it has gotten better because I put it to the test enough to find out she really would be there when I needed her to be and that she would not tire of me calling between sessions. It really helped when she did set some tangible boundaries for me so that I could know what to expect, know what was mine, and where I belong in this relationship. I think we only come to know that by experiencing it and talking about it. Asking repeatedly, "this is ok if I call you right?" But I think it's through experiencing it enough that it becomes right brain accesible.

I think talking about it is vital. Talking about our fears of abandonment and how losing them would feel like the worst thing that could happen to us right now. That our whole world would crumble if they left us and hurt us that way. This opens up the ability for them to know our fears and it allows them to demonstrate their commitment to this reltionship. And it is important for us to talk about boundaries so that we don't have to fear unknowingly bumping into them. It's like putting a blind person in a room they've never been in before. You have to guide them around a few times and help them know where every thing is until they get acclimated. Take in and ask for as much reassurance and direction as you need until you can finally sense this new world around you.

I can't remember if I shared this or not, so forgive me if I am repeating myself. But I finally came right out and asked my T if it was ok for me to call her every day, for her to "expect for me to call her every day and if I didn't call she would assume that I was ok and didn't need to call." But the point is I was going to call her every day. She said "Absolutely, that is ok for you to call me every day." I think putting the expection of it out there for me put me at ease. I am happy with that and I don't feel like I am bothering her so much anymore because I know she is expecting my call and that I have 10 minutes of her time when she does return my call. If it is urgent and she can only get back with me between clients I only have a minute or two, but we agreed that she'd at least make contact and would arrange to call me again later if my problem was not resolved. This has made a tremendous difference.

Hearing her say that "she will never abandon me and there is nothing I can do to ever make her stop seeing me." was very touching too, but it is the demonstration of it, the experiencing it that sinks in over time. So we have to keep putting it out there and work to find a solution to our own needs.

BTW: I came up with those ideas, not my T. All of our needs are different, and we are the only ones who can determine precisely what our needs are and relate them to our T.

It's kinda funny that now I don't feel like I call her that much. I think I call as frequently as I did before, on the avg of 2 times per week, but it doesn't feel like it's too much anymore or like I am too needy for her. And I know it doesn't matter if I call her 7 times per week or even 10 times per week if I need to. I really know it's ok.

quote:

But I finally came right out and asked my T if it was ok for me to call her every day, for her to "expect for me to call her every day and if I didn't call she would assume that I was ok and didn't need to call." But the point is I was going to call her every day. She said "Absolutely, that is ok for you to call me every day."

Glad that your T lets you do what feels comfortable for you. That is how we start and continue to trust them. I started writing to my T before my session so she would know what was going on in my mind. I asked her if that was ok because I felt guilty that she had to read all my blubbering on her own time. She said, "I have lots of time. Keep writing." It really helps me to write it all down when I'm feeling it so I don;t have to keep it in my head until I see her.

PL