***trigger warning: talk of ending therapy***

How do I start. First off, I’m sorry to not having responded to each of you individually on my other thread. I think I’ve made my decision but I’m not as far as to be able to explain my decision so I feel like I’m just going to say thank you in 10 different ways and I want to give back more than that.

I still have about 4-5 more sessions with T and maybe a bit longer, depending on what we decide but I can’t help obsessing over our good-bye.
I hate good-byes. I always think they should be meaningful and leave you with sort of a bittersweet feeling and not just bitter. So far, I’ve had one of such good-byes and I will never forget it. And even though T has said goodbye to many, many patients, it’s a first for me and therapy is and was a BIG deal for me. Nobody knows this much about me as that woman does and I know I will leave devastated if it ends with a simple “bye, take care”. I know my expectations are too high but I can’t bear the thought of going and not leaving anything behind .
It’s one of my core issues, that I feel like I don’t belong anywhere and nobody would notice if I’m gone.

It’s so, so hard for me to go. I think the minute I walk out the door, it’s as if I never existed. As if I was never there. Or at best, she remembers me as patient 201985 who was very challenging.

I feel like believing that she may remember me for some time with actual positive associations is just wishful thinking. And so is hoping the goodbye will be special.
I don’t know how to prepare myself. I don’t know how to go to those 4-5 sessions because it just means the moment comes closer, then my expectations rise even though I tell myself to prepare for the major final disappointment, I go in and leave completely devastated.

I’m glad I have you guys. At least I know here that if I ever leave, there will be posts with my name on it.

(((((PF)))))

I hate goodbyes. My eq T, at every session, always says "ok, we have just a few minutes left…" and some version of: "do what you need to do to before we end/close/to say goodbye to the horses." It's like a lot of little mini-good byes. Sometimes I know what I want to do, but usually I don't. It still helps to try different things.

I was watching the US version of the Office yesterday, and there is a sweet scene that totally made me cry (yes, cry) as one of the characters said bye to Michael Scott.
I have a very hard time with goodbyes. They are hard. Sudden or with time and advance notice – both are terribly hard. I think it takes a lot of courage to face one in advance, and is much more healing over time.

I have a pretty good feeling your T will remember you really well. (You are such a kind sweet soul!) She has invested in you a lot and cares about you a lot. It feels like you are graduating to the next level in your healing by leaving her… and it’s painfully bittersweet, just like any good bye. I think it is not easy at all for Ts. Not one bit. Even when – or perhaps especially when – the client is “challenging.” They didn’t become a T just to help those who were simple. I don’t think you were a challenge in any bad way, but in a way that probably helped your T grow a lot too.
I remember when I had to say goodbye to a treatment center I was at. There was a time where I got to say what the place meant to me, and what they thought of me (which was way more kind than I expected.) It helped me to let go to have that time to say what I needed to say before I left.

I think it is really good that you are taking some time to say goodbye, even though it is really painful too. I agree with FOT that planning something good and fun and that connects with people (even coming on here and posting) afterwards helps when I have tough goodbyes.

I just said goodbye to a friend last week who is moving away and it killed my heart but I loved the time we spent together laughing and getting teared up. I miss her already.

Is there anything you want to say to your T or about your time with her before you leave?

lots of hugs to you,
~ jd

FOT, I just ordered the book, thank you for recommending it. I hope it gets here before I terminate!
I usually cancel anything 'fun' when I'm sad because I just can't deal with anything then and when I still try to do something my body reacts and will make sure I go home and be alone asap. I do like the idea of having something to come "home" to though. Maybe I will just post here like Jane suggested (god I'm pathetic).
I'm pretty sure T will forget me or is just as composed as she really is. I'll read the book though, maybe it can change my mind.
Thank you!!

Jane, I'm good with normal goodbyes but not the ones you know you won't see the other person for an awful long time or ever again. That's when I completely fall apart.
Thank you for saying she will remember me well but if she does (which she won't) then just as a bitchy client who resists therapy and criticizes all the time. I don't think she cares that much either. I'm one of many and that's the way it's supposed to be
Thank you for sharing the thing with your treatment center. I like hearing what others think of me (obviously) because I have hardly any sense of identity myself. I define myself by others which is really bad but I can't help it. It's one of the things i have to work through, if any T allows
anyway.

quote:

Is there anything you want to say to your T or about your time with her before you leave?

Yes. They're all very pathetic, lame questions and all embarrassingly close to "do you like me" -- way too personal and exactly the reason why she wants to stop working with me.
I do wonder whether I should give her a list with things I liked about her methods but that would be a desperate attempt to make her not associate me with bad things.
I wish we could focus on termination. She still talks an awful lot about my anxiety and random stuff that happened in my week and my mother is coming to a session in 2 weeks, too and I don't know, there's just so little time.
Thanks for my hugs!! I can really use them.

(((Frosty))) I really have no wisdom about goodbyes. I am awful with them and have avoided pretty much any attachments that weren't absolutely necessary to avoid them. I bawl like a little baby when my H goes on business trips for a couple of weeks. He is about the only person it ever matters enough that I won't see for a while...until T. I don't think you're forgettable. I figure Ts are kind of like teachers, but more one-on-one. I have elementary school through high school teachers who STILL remember me, at least vaguely, when I run into them. And I'm 30! I'm sure there is a place in your T's heart where you will reside even after you go. Her work with you sounds like it was challenging and rewarding, something she has been learning from, and that isn't something that just disappears or evaporates once you're not seeing her every week.

Frosty, I wish I had some insightful and empathic words to write to you about this – I just don’t have the experience of saying goodbye in situations such as this. Mostly I just get left, or the partings are sudden and not anticipated so can’t be thought about much beforehand.

I do get though how painful it is for you, especially as you’re not really sure yet that you want to leave, so there’s a lot of ambivalence here too. Like the others I really do believe that you HAVE made a positive impact on your T and that she’s not going to forget you the moment you walk out the door. But I’m not sure how you’re ever going to know that

What might be an idea is what you picked up on in JD’s post, perhaps you could be brave enough to ask your T to tell you what she thinks of you, not just in a therapeutic sense (ie oh well I think you have x or y or z a problem) but on a personal level. Despite your fears and utter conviction that she sees only negative things about you, I will guarantee that she sees a lot of positive qualities in you and that she responds to the good in you that she sees, as such and being a T I think she would tell you sincerely the good things she thinks and feels about you that wouldn’t just be saying something to make you feel better. Especially if you were able to tell her why you needed to hear it. That way maybe you would be able to take away a sense of having mattered to her – which might overcome this feeling of you vanishing from existence the moment you no longer see her?

Wow is your mother really coming to a session with you? Has that been planned for some time, or is it because of the issue of potentially finishing up soon? It just seems an odd thing to be doing if you’re thinking of not continuing with this T (which from what you’ve said in your first post, sounds like that’s your decision.)

You hang in there Frosty, and try and take in that actually you are a very memorable person (in a positive way!) maybe soon you’ll be able to start believing that

LL

Frosty,

I have no idea of anything to add to what has already been said. I can simply imagine how difficult this is for you now and want to send you a big hug (((((((frosty)))))))

starfish

I have to dash out but I planned my ending with the ex c very carefully. I wrote a letter with all the things that I thought were helpful in what we had done together. I also made a card thanking her. I gave her several very small gifts, each symbolising something about the time we had and I asked her to also focus on the good things - so that I felt affirmed.

My ending was not like yours, as she had terminated with me in a terrible way, with lots of countertransference issues going in from her side, but she remained in denial of that. So just not the same.

Your ending could be really sweet and something lovely to remember and turn to for support when you need it.

You can also ask her if ALL contact is cut. I stopped seeing my first T 23 years ago, but I still phone her occasionally and she has come to visit at least once if not twice and I have visited her a couple of times. So find out what her boundaries are. She might allow you to send her an email updating your progress, once in a while.

((((((frosty))))))
xx M

Yaku, yeah, I haven't had many attachment figures either so goodbyes have been okay so far. I'm only mildly attached to T but she is definitely an important person because she knows so much and I have so many feelings about therapy and the last couple of months have been so emotional. I always remember the times I'm emotional the best. Oh I've seen it all with teachers. Some remember me clearly with name and who I was friends with and some don't even know if I've left school yet. I think Ts heart would explode if every client had a place in there. I wish it was that way but it really just can't be. Imagine you were a T and every client expects you to remember them well. I hope it was a bit rewarding for her. I'd like to ask her that but what if it wasn't...

LL, yes, me too, usually goodbyes are quick and hard and that's okay. But I can't help thinking about this one. Obsessing actually. Thanks for saying this. I so wish I could know it somehow but I really just don't believe it.
I'd love to ask her that! But that is a silly question somewhat, isn't it? I'd love for her to just offer to tell me But I'm pretty sure I'm going to ask that nevertheless because it would bother me for a long time if I didn't know how we leave things.
Oh LL, geez, my mum!!! Yeees! She's been to my session before, a couple of weeks ago and my T set up a second appt for her to come with me because they both sort of rounded up on me regarding my eating habits and I guess she wants to see whether I've done what I promised and wanted to give my mother another chance to "spill". It would have been on Friday but I got sick so we have it in 2 weeks instead. Feels like a total waste of a session. I'll hang in there thanks LL, I hope so, too. Would mean I'm starting to believe I do matter to someone.

Stariefishy, thank you for my big hug!!!!!

Sadly, that sounds wonderful! Did you find closure like this? Did she like it? I am sorry she had terminated with you in a bad way though and not even acknowledged her counter transference, that must have been really hard. I don't know exactly what Ts deal is with me so I'm going to find that out. Thanks Sadly!!

M, thanks for my hugs!

I did n't really find closure I am afraid PF, I hurt hugely afterwards for about three months.

But the T's who did not terminate ME, I ended well with. I would ask your T about the ending, whether it truly means all contact or can you send an email now and again. That really helps. I have just received an email yesterday from my old T of 1988-9, who said I can phone her this evening. I have always been helped by knowing she is there. She is definitely an attachment figure to me.

My current P is an attachment figure too, big time, so I am just hoping when we eventually end, he will be kind to me and let me phone or email him occasionally otherwise I shall feel abandoned again unless my inner psyche has healed completely.

good luck this week with the session. Remember you do matter to her. Try letting that in.

frosty,
Goodbyes are painful and there is just no way (healthy at least ) around that. I hope you are able to close with your T in a meaningful way and you can say whatever things you need to say before you leave. I am so sorry you are facing this. I know how much it hurts. ry to remember you are not alone. (((frosty))))
sea

Yeah I cannot imagine the goodbye scene for me. I have been with my therapist for 19 years but she is now 67 and although she now only works part time and says she is very happy, content working as she is I worry something might unexpectedly happen to her or that she does retire which she will someday. She has always told me and even written down for me that she will never anbandone me ever. I still worry about losing this "mother" figure in my life. She has told me that she knows that I will always need to have some kind of contact with her and that it is OKAY with her. I have always been afraid to ask her what she means by that "contact"???

Welcome here, cmac..I think she means therapeutic contact- at least I hope so for your sake. It sounds like you have established the kind of relationship that would by now be very difficult to break off. That must be very painful to think of. I think you should ask her about what is meant by that, and that if you can still have therapeutic contact even after she retires...it might set your mind at rest, or it might cause a lot of pain, but either way- at least you will know then live in the wondering and not knowing, hey?

Good luck...let us know how it goes!

BB